A/N: some of Jack's thoughts about past and the future

Spoilers: To the Last Man

Beta-ed: TattoedLibrarian

Jack ran following the alien spike but the residual energy faded fast and at the spot there was nothing to be seen. But still, there was something intangible, something almost familiar that he couldn't pin point. He looked around at the few passing humans but none of them had any trace of anything strange about them. Still, the feeling bugged him. After awhile he gave up and went back to the Hub. Tomorrow they got to wake up their frozen soldier. Tosh would be all giddy, that was always a fun sight, she'd been serious and flat too long. It was like the good humour had been drained from her. Jack could understand that, their job didn't make them a cheerful lot of people; there was too much death around. They coped using their banter and humour so it was important to keep it at a certain level. A few looks from Tommy boy's pretty eyes would help with that, he knew how to keep things light and how to light up Tosh with a few lines.

That was a good plan, it was a shame it all came down like it did and they had to use Tommy to close the gap. But his Tosh was a big girl, she knew how to do the inevitable and carry on, that was their job. Maybe that was the price for the things they had done, the people they sacrificed to be here, the lives they didn't lead. He didn't see that price as a punishment, although sometimes it felt that way and he would love to give Tosh her happy ending, more as a necessity to stay focused. But that didn't mean they weren't allowed to love along the way. The fact that love didn't last more often than it did only made it more precious.

That reminded him to be more careful towards Ianto. In his stride to do the job he could make people feel excessive, not essential. That's why he was aware enough to say the right thing when Ianto came in questioning. That was rarely the case, for him to say the right words at the right moment. More often he would miss out, be too late, or simply be distracted.

Not this time. This time Ianto came in with a question about regret and past. He thought he'd dismiss it with a joke.

"Why? Would you miss me?" he smirked half amused but still preoccupied with reading what his predecessors left for Tommy; he hated that pair, they were ruthless and stuck up. But Ianto didn't take the bait and backed away with a retort, so Jack found himself thinking about a real answer instead. Did he miss home? He discovered inside himself that he felt this place as a home now, old planets and places seemed so far away. His experiences and travels took him further than he could imagine in his wildest dreams and along the way he saw things and met people he wouldn't like to miss out on. This was his life now and he'd gotten to the point where he could accept all the prices that went along with it.

That's how he found himself explaining to Ianto what he would have missed if he hadn't travelled all way, but just skipped the painful parts, he wouldn't be the person he was now, he wouldn't care as much. In the middle of the sentence about the love he had along the way he looked up to Ianto and in a split second knew, by the way he looked at the surface and avoided contact nodding, that Ianto didn't include himself in that category of the loved ones in Jack's life. That's why he waited for a moment for Ianto to lift his gaze up to meet Jack's, and only then finished his sentence to ensure Ianto realize that he was loved more than Jack expected he would be.

"And I wouldn't change that for a world" he said sincerely, he wouldn't give up all that life and love, all the passion that came with beautiful people, with Ianto especially. For a reward for his great timing he got the kiss of a life time. One that felt like it would last eternally engraved in the mind and a sense that stays with you, and can be recollected even when time erases all the rest. It was substantial kiss and it led to more so after their position became uncomfortable Jack stood up not letting go of Ianto's mouth and led him down to the bed. It wasn't sex with games and rules, it was making love. Jack loved to make love so he forgot about their current mission and where they were. There was a movement and passion and that was enough to fill some immeasurable future of pain with a bearable balance that made everything worth it.

When they were finally exhausted Jack pulled Ianto to his chest.

"Stay" he said before Ianto could think of some way to wiggle out. Ianto eased up in his arms silently agreeing. Jack covered them and ruffled Ianto's hair until he fell asleep. Jack stayed awake thinking about the past and the future, about the cracks in time and the sacrifice Tosh would make, but all that time Ianto breathed beside him heating him up and wriggling in his sleep as he dreamt. That made everything less sharp and painful. When everything was done they would still be there for Tosh, and even harsh Owen will surely find a way to help her get over it. Whatever he did usually, when it was tough he knew to step in and say the right thing.

Sometimes that was all that mattered, the right words at the right time. With that he placed a kiss to Ianto's forehead. It was strange really, how this young man became close to him. It wasn't strange when you would think about all the essential things he did for Jack and all the times he did the right thing. But it was strange how he managed to do the right thing so often. It was like he had a guide book to complicated and moody persona of the man who carried the name of Jack Harkness became in more than a century of life. People would most commonly be attracted by his charm and delighted by his lover's skills, but soon enough dejected by his secrets, run-offs and recklessness, especially by his harsh decisions in terrible situations when he would do what was necessary.

But Ianto was somehow different. He wasn't impressed at all by his shiny persona that flashed around with a smile; more often he was annoyed with it and with a retort that would cut him down at hand. Something else kept Ianto at hand, it seemed like he understood the necessity of hard choices, the tool that those have on life and feelings. Still, beside the harsh parts and painful events, Ianto found something in Jack that appealed to him; something that made Jack desirable even in situations when world fell apart. That didn't go by unnoticed by Jack, but he couldn't figure out what it was that Ianto saw in him, what was it that stayed beautiful and unscratched by years and years of decisions and losses.

What was in him so persistent and stubborn that managed to see the beauty despite all the ugly and hurtful things that the world could offer? What was able to love knowing he would surely lose? Maybe that was eternal optimist in him, the one that bounced off Boeshane carrying the big name 'Face of Boe' with ease, the one that always believed that the good and pleasurable would be able to erase the painful, like he managed to overcome his losses and put his guilt aside. He knew others weren't so good in carrying on and healing, like his father wasn't and that they would always resent him, his survival and ability to carry on in search for pleasure and love, to persist when he should have perish with many others. It was surprising how people would resent your life, especially eternal life. Eternal life wasn't all fun and games, Jack knew that well by now, but only thing that could keep you sane in it was the fun and games that you could get in your way.

It seemed Ianto didn't resent his life and deaths, and was ready to present fun and games without demanding things Jack couldn't produce. That made him easy to keep close by. Maybe that was the reason Jack didn't kick him out of bed or run off to find some chore. Instead he kept lying, caressing the sleeping man, letting his memories surface and vanish without the usual sharp end that they would bring with them, like regret and sadness. A warm body did wonders for his ability to recollect and keep in his mind a place for his loved ones that had passed without having to suffer the aftershocks of departure and leaving, guilt and loneliness. Maybe that was strangest of all. He didn't feel lonely when Ianto was around.

Leave me a cookie. :)