Disclaimer: Stephenie owns all things Twilight. I own a brand new scarf killerlashes made me.
A/N: Thanks to killerlashes, my love beta (the beta formerly known as BG).
Thanks so much for your lovely reviews for last chapter. They make me smile so much.
A special thanks to The Little-Known Ficster for rec'ing SLFT on their site (and for killerlashes for sending it in).
All you ladies on ADF and Twitter (smashley613), you're too awesome for words.
Come hang out! www[dot]adifferentforest[dot]com, it's so much fun!
Don't forget to check on my entry for The Twilight 25 on my page.
Okay, I'm done. Srsly.
Chapter 15 – There's No Place Like Home
Regret.
It was a simple enough word. People used it all the time, every day even.
They used it in meaningless sentences.
"I regret that piece of cake I had for lunch."
"I regret to inform you that your credit was not approved."
I regret that it took me five years to tell you that you had a son.
How long did I regret it? From the moment I decided not to tell you.
Why do I regret it? Because you love him. He loves you.
Now you're gone and he's miserable.
And it is entirely my fault. Or is it your fault? The lines have been blurred into oblivion. I don't know who to blame anymore.
The honking of a horn behind me startled me back to the present, out of my thoughts and back behind the wheel of my car. Back to where my son slept in the backseat, his tears cried out, his body exhausted from the many emotions he had felt. I glanced at him in the rearview mirror before pressing the accelerator, eager to be home.
At the airport, I didn't know how long we sat there, holding each other like the world was crumbling around us. Edward's plane took off. I watched it while Masen buried his face in my neck, his tears falling freely onto my skin. He clung to me tightly, his little body shaking with sobs, and I let him cry, my own eyes finally dry. It wasn't until more people starting milling around us did he pull away, eyes dry and red-rimmed, and look at me very solemnly.
"I want to go home," he said softly. I could only nod. He crawled out of my lap and held his hand out to me. I took it with a sad smile and we left the airport.
Masen had fallen asleep before we had even left the parking lot. I hated to wake him as we pulled into the drive, but the ground was wet and I was clumsy.
"We're home, baby." I rubbed the back of my hand against his cheek and his eyes blinked sleepily.
"'Kay," he said, and closed his eyes and turned his face away from mine. I resisted the urge to laugh and unbuckled him.
"Come on, Mase. Mama can't carry you." I tugged his arms and he groaned but obliged and trudged up the driveway, waiting patiently at the door for me to unlock it. Once we'd removed our jackets and shoes, we curled up on the sofa together and spent the rest of the afternoon watching senseless cartoons and enjoying each other.
When Emmett came home he was surprised to see us lounging lazily in the living room. It was so different from our normal routine of grading papers, reading books, or even cooking dinner that he was worried.
"What's going on?" he asked as he joined us on the couch. He grabbed Masen's bare foot from under my afghan and tickled him, but Masen didn't flinch. My brother raised an eyebrow skeptically at me and I just shrugged. He looked at Masen, forlorn and snuggled up to my side and sighed quietly before untangling my son from me and pulling him into his lap. Masen rested his head against his uncle's broad chest and looked up at him with big, sad eyes.
"Do you miss Edward as much as me and Mama?" my little boy asked quietly. Emmett frowned as they gazed intently at each other, their eyes like moss and oak meeting silently.
"Yeah," he admitted. "I do."
"Then you can watch cartoons with us." Masen turned his attention back to the TV and my brother frowned again.
"How about we make some dinner?" Emmett suggested and Masen shrugged. "Come on, Weasel. Aunt Rose is coming over and I told her we would have a fun night. Don't be a party pooper."
"I'm not a pooper," Masen mumbled, and then laughed quietly. I rolled my eyes. Boys.
"Well, let's go then!" Emmett cried as he stood up and threw Masen over his shoulder.
I smiled as I watched them, eternally grateful for my brother. I listened to them in the kitchen preparing dinner and couldn't help but think of the day Emmett found out I was pregnant. The events were all too clear in my head.
During my last semester at I school, I had taken a week off to visit Charlie and Emmett. It had been five weeks since Edward had left. Five of the longest weeks I'd ever lived. Graduation was coming up and I was thinking about moving back home, unsure if I wanted to stay at school and alone in a town that reminded me so much of him.
"Morning," Emmett grumbled as he passed me in the hallway. I had been on my way to the kitchen but a wave of nausea hit me so hard I pushed my Hagrid-sized brother out of the way with the strength of a female body builder.
He knocked on the door and called to me. "Iz? You okay?"
I splashed cold water on my face and brushed my teeth. His face was worried as I opened the door and passed by, not meeting his eyes. "What do you want for breakfast?" I called up the stairs.
"I don't want anything if you're going to puke all over it," he mumbled, taking a seat at our small kitchen table.
I rubbed my stomach gingerly and made a face before pulling a carton of eggs out of the refrigerator.
"I'll be fine," I said as I started cracking eggs and mixing them up to scramble.
"Maybe you should go to the doctor," Emmett said, reaching into the cabinet for a glass. He opened the fridge and poured himself some orange juice. "I heard the flu was going around."
"I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant." I poured the eggs into the frying pan, and my brother spewed juice all over the kitchen.
"What the fuck?!" he cried, turning his light brown eyes on me.
I pushed the eggs around in the pan and bit my lip.
"I dunno… I feel… weird?" I turned to him; his mouth was wide open and he was staring at me.
"It's the flu, Iz. I'm telling you. I think one of the deputies had it…" He trailed off as he wiped up the orange juice he had just spit all over the floor. I scooped his eggs onto a plate and started a pot of coffee, his stubborn denial annoying me. But then again, everything was annoying me lately. "Should I call Dr. Miller? I'm sure he can get you in. Maybe get some meds or fluids in ya?"
"No, Emmett. I don't have the flu." I rolled my eyes and sat down across from him with my own plate. I took a bite of the eggs and chewed; the texture made me instantly sick. I ran upstairs and into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. After I finished hurling up whatever was left in my stomach, I took a shower and got dressed, my jeans tighter than normal.
When I got downstairs Emmett was waiting for me, the kitchen cleaned, no remnants of scrambled eggs anywhere, for which I was grateful.
"Can you go to the store for me?" I asked and he nodded. "I honestly don't know how you and Dad survive…"
"Hey, we get along just fine," he said, skimming the list I handed him. "Izzy!" he yelled when he reached the final item.
"Emmett. I told you how I feel. I need to know." I shrugged.
"I can't do that," he muttered, running a hand through his short brown hair.
"Please, Em." I wrapped my arms around his waist and he sighed, resting a hand on the top of my head.
"I'll be back in an hour," he said, kissing the top of my head and grabbing his keys.
I waited impatiently for his return, washing dishes that had already been washed, sweeping the floor, and refolding laundry. I nearly pounced on him when he finally walked through the door.
"A little help?" he grumbled as he nearly dropped the bags in his hands. I grabbed a few, though I forgot what I'd even asked him for, and started searching the bags for what I needed. "Here." He thrust small brown paper bag at me. I took it and ran upstairs, stopping at the bathroom door.
"Well, are you coming?" I called down the stairs.
"Iz, you haven't need help in the bathroom since you were two," he called back and I rolled my eyes.
"Please, Emmett?" I stood patiently outside the bathroom door until he came stomping up the stairs, frown already in place. He gave me a thumbs-up as I closed the bathroom door. When I was finished I placed the pregnancy test on the counter by the sink and stepped out of the bathroom.
"So?" he asked as he wrung his hands nervously.
"You have to wait three minutes." I sighed and leaned against the wall.
"Shall I count?" He stood next to me and nudged me with his elbow. I leaned against his shoulder and linked my arm through his. "1 hippopotamus…2 hippopotamus…3…4…5…" Smiling at his childlike method of counting, I let the monotone of his voice soothe me.
"Time's up," he said softly and I fought the urge to throw up again.
"I can't do it." I hid my face in his arm.
He reached around and smoothed my hair.
"You have to," he said softly.
"You do it," I mumbled.
"Ew, you peed on that!" he said and I laughed weakly.
"Please?" I met his eyes and he sighed and unwound his arm from mine and stepped into the bathroom. I waited, barely breathing for him to tell me the results, though deep down I already knew.
"So…" he said as he stood in front of me, hands in his pockets and eyes on the floor. "Congratulations?" he asked softly.
I choked back a sob and threw my arms around him. He held me tightly as I cried tears of joy or sadness, I wasn't sure. We stood there for a long while, my poor brother not knowing how to react to my news or my emotions.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled, pulling away and wiping my eyes. "I'm a mess."
"So…" Emmett said again. "Whose is – I mean – is it his?"
"Edward's the only guy I've ever been with." I rolled my eyes as my brother shuddered.
"I shouldn't have asked." He made a face. "Million-dollar question…"
"Yes?"
"Who's telling Dad?"
The smell of fried chicken brought me back to my senses and I joined the boys in the kitchen to help with dinner. When Rosalie arrived, I poured us each a glass of wine, and we sat at the kitchen table chatting. It was nice having Rose and Emmett there to help keep our minds off the day's events; Masen had fun trying to mash potatoes and Rose's talk of wedding plans kept me occupied. It wasn't until Rose and I started cleaning the kitchen that the subject of Edward came up.
"How was last night? Did Edward cry? He seems like a crier," she smirked as she handed me a dish.
"Rose," I sighed. "I don't know why you don't like him…" I rinsed the plate she handed me and placed it in the drainer.
Rose flipped her platinum hair over her shoulder and turned to me.
"Bella Swan," she started, placing her hands on her hips, and stared me down. "You look at that little boy in there and then ask me why I have no warm fuzzies for that man-child!"
"You're a good friend." I tweaked her nose with a soapy finger and she swatted at my hand. "But… he's Masen's father. He's a good guy," I shrugged, and she rolled her eyes.
"Who's a good guy?" Emmett came into the kitchen, Masen trailing behind him.
"Edward," Rose and I said at the same time, though Rose spit his name like an expletive.
"I miss him already," Masen said, wrapping his arms around my waist. I smiled down at him and mussed his hair. Rosalie's harsh expression softened as she looked at Masen.
"Fine," she mumbled. "It doesn't mean I have to like him," she said and was silent as we finished washing the dishes together.
"Mama likes him," Masen said a few moments later from the table where he and Emmett were sitting, watching and not helping.
"Well, I know that." Rose made a face at him and he reciprocated. She laughed and sat down, pulling him into her lap. "Otherwise you wouldn't be here, silly." She kissed his cheek and smiled at me over his head.
"No!" He giggled at her kiss. "I mean I know Mama likes him 'cause she kissed him today," Masen said grinning innocently up at me. I could feel my face heat up and Emmett and Rosalie's eyes trained on me. .
"I – well – uh -" I stuttered stupidly. I had been trying not to think about the kiss. Not because it wasn't pleasant. I mean, if I were being honest with myself it was probably the best kiss I'd had in the past five years. I had been so incredibly drawn to Edward as I watched him say goodbye to Masen that all I wanted to do was feel him close to me. It'd lasted less than a minute, but even that had ignited a fire that started on my skin and burned deep into my soul.
"It was a goodbye kiss!" I cried as my brother and his fiancée laughed quietly. Masen grinned as if he just told the very best secret ever and I scowled at him.
"Time for bed, you little weasel," I mock-growled and reached for him, and he squealed with laughter and ran up the stairs. Emmett and Rosalie continued to watch me, eyebrows raised. I glanced up the stairs, making sure Masen was out of earshot. "Fuck off," I said, and then headed upstairs to put my son to bed.
I tucked Masen in and headed back downstairs, discovering Emmett was in the shower in the process. Rosalie was perched on the couch, an old edition of Fisherman's Weekly in her hand.
"Goodbye kiss, huh?" she asked as she idly turned the page. I picked at a loose thread on the afghan draped over the couch.
"I don't know," I sighed and rested my head on the back of the couch. She set the magazine down and gazed at me, a frown marring her lovely face.
"Did you like… like it?" She made a face and I could feel the heat rising in my face. "Oh God, you did, didn't you?!"
"Rose! I was with the guy for six years and I only fantasized about him from the time I hit puberty until he finally noticed me! So… yeah, I liked it. A lot. More than I should have."
"I just wanted a yes or no, but thanks for making me want to puke," she replied and I gave her my best stink-eye.
"Ugh." I pulled the afghan over my face. "I fucking hate you, Rosalie."
"I love you too, Iz," she chuckled softly, and I rolled my eyes at her under the blanket. "I'm just worried about you. I don't want you to get your hopes up or anything," Rosalie said quietly.
I uncovered my face and frowned at her.
"What?" I asked dumbly.
"I mean – you guys have a ton of history! And now he knows about Masen and I – I just don't want you to think that this is your happily ever after and get your heart ripped out again."
"I know," I tried to smile. She reached over and patted my hand and I squeezed hers tightly. "I'm not looking for that with Edward. It's not like that anymore. I love James. This is about Masen."
"Okay." She squeezed my hand back and smiled warmly at me. Rose might've been a hard-ass lawyer, but underneath her concrete exterior she was made of marshmallow. My brother was a lucky son-of-a-bitch.
EPOV
The following Saturday afternoon (Friday night in Forks).
It was quiet.
Too quiet.
The only noises in my apartment were the sound of my feet on the hardwood floor and the dull 'thud' as I set my bags down. I closed the door and it echoed throughout the room. I set my keys on the table by the door and it sounded like shattering glass. I took a deep breath and the shuddering in my chest filled my entire body as I stumbled backwards against the door. As if grateful for the relief, my legs slid out from under me and I was startled to find myself on the floor. My knees came up to my chest and I rested my forehead on them, giving in to the silence, the pain and regret. My tears fell hot and fast and I made no attempt to wipe them away. After all there was no one here to see.
Not even EJ.
I don't know how long I sat there. My phone buzzed impatiently in my pocket and Bella's name flashed across the screen of my Blackberry, but I didn't answer. Instead, I let the phone drop out of my hand and clatter onto the floor next to me.
That only made me feel a million times worse. I promised I would call and then I didn't answer. Just add another point in the "douchebag" column for me. I couldn't help it. I wouldn't be able to hear either one of their voices and be able to function properly, not that I deserved any different.
After I finally hoisted myself off the floor and unpacked my bags I checked the clock and decided to call Bella back. However, I noticed a voicemail when I finally picked up the phone again. I couldn't help but smile against the suddenly renewed tears as I listened to it.
"Hi, Edward, this is Masen. Masen Charles Swan. Please call us, me, I mean me back. Is that good, Mama?"
I could hear Bella chuckle and hang up the phone and immediately the regret was back, boiling in my chest before it rose up my throat. I should've answered the fucking phone. I should've realized that it wasn't just about me anymore, or that it never was.
I dialed the number swiftly, feeling like there were bats flapping around in my stomach. Why was I so fucking nervous?
"Hello?" Bella's voice said, and I sighed in a way that should've been illegal. It was… happy.
"Hey," I said simply, stupidly.
"Edward, hi. I'm glad you called. You made it alright, then?"
"Yeah… yeah, I just walked in. Sorry I missed you. Is he? Can I -" my words came out in a rush and she sighed. I could almost see the frown on her face, the little lines forming on her forehead.
"I'm sorry," she said softly. "He just fell asleep."
"Oh. Oh, okay," I mumbled. "I should've called earlier."
"I'll just have him call when he wakes up, is that alright?"
"Sure. That sounds great," I all but whispered.
"Are you alright Edward?" she asked, and again her voice did strange things to my insides. She cared.
"I'm just… exhausted." I ran my hand over my face and fell onto the bed.
"Get some sleep. We're not going anywhere," she laughed, and I was comforted by her words.
"You sure?" I asked.
"Yes!" She laughed again.
"Tell him I miss him," I mumbled.
"I will," she promised.
"Bye," I said hitting 'end' before she said anything else.
Her words played over in my head:
"We're not going anywhere."
I tried to make sense of them, tried to figure out what she meant and if there was some type of double meaning behind the words. My brain felt like it was working double-time. All it could remember was the feel of her lips on mine and how her body felt pressed up against me. I sighed and rubbed a hand over my face. I was tired and confused and thinking about Bella only made me think about Masen. And God, did I miss him. It was hard to not think about Bella but… like I had told her (and myself) it wasn't just about us anymore. It couldn't be.
Somewhere between arguing with myself about what Bella's kiss meant and thinking about doing laundry, I passed the fuck out. I was only able to sleep for a few hours, for I was awakened by a loud banging and yelling outside my door.
"Mr. Cullen?" A woman's voice came through the door. "Are you there?" I shuffled through the hall to the door and wrenched it open, thoroughly annoyed and still tired as hell.
"Oh!" I cried when I discovered a disheveled Mrs. Kelsoe standing at the door, clutching a squirming EJ in her arms. I chuckled and reached out to take him, but he jumped from her arms and ran into my apartment, his back feet flying out from under him as he rounded the corner into the hallway. "Uh… thanks. I'll pay you tomorrow, if that's alright?"
"Whatever, dear, I'm just glad to be rid of the little fucker," she muttered as she shuffled back to her home. I laughed and shook my head as I closed the door, then I set off to find EJ. I found him under my bed and spent a good fifteen minutes trying to coax him out from under there. I finally gave it up as a bad job when he rolled onto his back and stared accusingly at me from upside-down eyes.
"Fine," I sighed. "Stay there." I resumed my spot on the bed and drifted back into a restless sleep. My heart and mind were both a thousand miles away. In Forks, Washington to be exact.
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