Part 4: Realizations and Confrontations

You know how dreams never come true? Or, at least they very seldom come true?

That's not entirely valid. Dreams do come true. They just have to be nightmares, first. And one of mine came true the very next day.

I had been walking with Giles across the yard, heading towards school. Willow had just come bouncing up to join us, and Xander was coming in close behind when I smelled Buffy nearby and turned around to look for her.

"Hey, Buffy!" Willow said when she saw me look, but the smile of welcome I had froze on my face when I saw her expression.

She looked frightened, stunned, disappointed, and frustrated.

I swallowed and quickly crossed the lawn to get to her, Giles right on my heels, and the two children following after a hesitation, sensing something was wrong.

"What's wrong, dear heart?" I murmured as I reached her side. But I knew what was wrong. I knew it before I even gave voice to the question. And I knew what would come soon after. The question. The demand. The suspicion.

I didn't want to face that. But I had to be here for her. I had to face it.

I had remained silent too long and now I was paying for it.

Should have killed him

'If you're not going to be helpful you'll do me the favor of remaining SILENT.'

"A-Angel." She stammered, looking at me, then up at Giles. "He's a vampire, Giles." She said.

I heard Willow gasp, Xander growled, and I felt my jaw clench. This wasn't news to me, but thinking about a vampire being close to my young companion…

"How do you know?" Giles asked.

"He came to my room again last night," she explained, "we were just…talking and then…we were kissing and he pulled away and when he did I saw-" she shook her head and ran a hand over her face.

"Come on, let's not linger," Giles said, herding us back towards the school, "we'll talk on the way."

We started moving again, but very slowly. Heads lowered, a thousand panicked thoughts racing through our minds. I could practically feel them reverberating through the air. I felt Willow draw closer to me, clutching at her backpack strap.

"Angel's a vampire?" she repeated.

Buffy just shook her head, like she didn't hear her friend.

"I can't believe this is happening." She said, mostly to herself, I thought. "One minute we were kissing and the next minute-" She trailed off and then whirled around to Giles, a desperate look in her eyes.

"Couldn't a vampire be a good person?" she asked, "Couldn't it happen?"

"Well, a vampire isn't a person at all," Giles reminded her, "it may have the movements, the memory, even the personality of the person it took over but it's still a demon at the core. There is no halfway."

I arched an eyebrow at him and cleared my throat.

He blushed.

"Well…there's hardly ever a halfway." He corrected, "But technically you're not a full vampire, either."

"Fair enough." I shrugged.

"But why?" Buffy asked, "Why was he good to me? Why did he help me? Was it all part of the Master's plan? It doesn't make sense!" she plopped herself down on a concrete bench, Willow at her side, while I remained standing and turned my back on her.

It's coming

I cringed at the chuckling tone of the Essence.

The accusations, the hatred. They'll think you're a monster again. You'll lose whatever kinship you had, and you have no one to blame but yourself, you little fool. You can't stay teetering on the fence forever. You'll fall off one way or the other.

"All right," Xander said, sounding a little too perky for the dark tone this conversation had taken, "you have a problem, so let's take a breath and figure this out calmly and objectively." He smiled at her. "Angel's a vampire. You're a Slayer. I think it's obvious what you have to do."

Buffy winced and looked up Giles in appeal.

"It is a Slayer's duty." He admitted reluctantly.

"I know you have feelings for this guy," Xander continued, "but you're not in love with him, right?"

Buffy hesitated, and looked away. Xander looked as though she'd just struck him.

"You're in love with a vampire?" He demanded, "Are you out of your mind?"

"What?!"

We all whirled at the foreign voice, and saw Cordelia staring at us.

'Oh no.' I thought with a groan. I ran a hand over my face and sighed. Today was not starting off well at all.

"Not vampire," Xander said with a weak laugh, "uh, how could you love an umpire?" he corrected. "Everyone hates him!"

But she wasn't talking about us, she shook her head in disdain and began accosting another unfortunate victim who happened to be wearing the same style dress as Cordelia's. She marched off, shouting that the dress was a knockoff until she disappeared from sight.

We breathed a collective sigh of relief and Buffy gave a weak smile.

"And we think we have problems." She said dryly.

I cleared my throat and they looked at me so I looked at the ground.

"I think we should give this a bit more time." I said, "And figure this out." I couldn't believe what I was doing, but I was doing it. I was defending Angel.

"From what I have seen of Angel, he didn't behave as a normal vampire would, no. And I doubt he's working for the Master since he's served to thwart his plans at every turn. I don't know what his plans are, which is why I didn't say anything about his…vampirism."

There, it was out there. Giles peered at me over his glasses, Willow's eyes widened, Xander's mouth dropped open, and Buffy stared at me in disbelief.

"I-I was curious." I stammered. "I wanted to know what he was up to. I thought he didn't have harmful intentions-" I realized I was just spouting excuses so I stopped, swallowing and feeling incredibly uncomfortable and ashamed.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"You knew?" Buffy demanded, standing up. Fury burned bright in her eyes and she came towards me. I let her. Whatever she wanted to do to me, I deserved it for being such a colossal fool concerning the safety of the children.

She stopped and her mouth curled into a mirthless smile.

"Of course you knew." She said, "You knew as soon as we met him, didn't you?"

I nodded, looking away.

"And you didn't say anything." She spat. "Why? Hoping he would kill me? Do your job for you?" she gave me a hard shove at the last question and I stumbled back. Giles caught my arm to steady me, but Buffy was at me again in a flash, giving me another push.

"Huh?" she demanded, pushing me back with each question. "Why don't you say something? Why don't you deny it? Because it's true? Was this your plan all along?"

"Buffy-" Giles began but I interrupted.

"I was a fool!" I shouted at her, blocking her arms when she started to push me again. Some students paused to stare at us, but one look from Buffy sent them hurrying away again. I took a deep breath and faced her.

"I was a fool." I repeated. "I should have told you, but…as you noticed, he doesn't act like one of them. And I've seen vampires hunt and stalk and woo their prey, and he exhibited nothing akin to that. I was confused and curious as to why he was doing that. I wanted to know what he was doing, and so I said nothing."

I swallowed and shook my head.

"I shouldn't have done that. I should have known it was only a matter of time before it ended badly. And I meant to tell you, I truly did, but…I hesitated for fear of you wondering why I hadn't said something sooner, but that's exactly what happened anyway."

I felt something pricking the back of my eyes and I stiffened in surprise.

Tears?

I blinked them away and felt my shoulders slump in defeat.

They would never trust me again. Not after this. And why should they? After what I'd done, I wouldn't trust me.

"I'm sorry." I said. "I know that doesn't erase what I've done or atone for what could have happened. But I am truly, deeply sorry. If I could go back and change my actions I would. But I can't, so all I can do now is protect you."

I looked at them all and swallowed again.

"If you'll have me." I murmured. "I swear, I never meant for this to happen." I sighed and turned away.

"If you want me to go, I will." I told them. "My punishment is up to you."

There was a dead silence that seemed to stretch on for an eternity.

I started to walk away, a cold feeling settling into my stomach.

They'd already rejected me. And it was only right.

To my surprise, I felt a hand grab my wrist. Not hard, just enough to halt my progress, but I did not turn around.

"Margery." Giles murmured, "Don't go. Wait a moment."

I turned ever so slightly to look at him. He was giving me that look he'd given me when I'd told him about my mother and how she'd treated me. I couldn't handle that look, so I looked at the others. Xander still looked surprised but not necessarily angry, Willow looked sad but gave me a small, soft smile, and Buffy's fury had died down to a simmer.

"You really want to help?" Buffy asked.

I nodded.

"More than anything." I answered, "Let my rectify my mistake. That's all I ask. I won't even come around you if you don't wish it. Just let me prove my intentions are honorable, if misguided."

Buffy hesitated, and looked at Giles questioningly.

She was asking him to pass judgment.

I looked at him, turning so that I was facing the others, but stayed looking at him. I pleaded with him wordlessly, begging him to try and understand and forgive.

He gave me a gentle smile and put a hand on my shoulder before turning back to Buffy.

"She can help." He told her.

Buffy shrugged and nodded.

"But next time," she told me, "you'd better tell me when something's up, or it won't be pretty."

I nodded.

"You have my word." I promised.

Wordlessly, Buffy, Xander, and Willow arose from the bench and started heading inside, leaving Giles and me to follow along behind them.

"I feel such an idiot." I whispered to him as I ran a hand across my forehead. "I can't believe I could do something so stupid."

"We all make mistakes." He murmured back to me.

"None that are so jeopardizing." I said. "I should have said something. I should have done something. Sent her a note at least."

He kept his hand on my shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"We'll get through it." He said, "Buffy will calm down, she's just upset right now, that's all." He looked down at me and smiled again.

"Why did you defend me?" I asked after a moment's pause.

He seemed surprised by the question.

"Don't you know?" he asked.

I shook my head.

"Who on earth would help me clean up the library if I let Buffy throw you out?" he asked.

Much to my surprise, I actually laughed at that, and he joined his chuckle to my weak, sad little sound.

I hesitated, and then came to a halt, and Giles turned to face me, raising an eyebrow quizzically.

"Something wrong?" he asked.

In answer, I just smiled, and raised myself up on my toes and planted a quick kiss on his cheek before lowering myself back down. He gave a surprised laugh and looked a bit baffled.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"For the third kindness you've done me." I answered. "I've no right to have such a friend as you." I added quietly as we started for the school again.

"You flatter me." He said, still laughing awkwardly.

"No, I simply speak the truth." I answered. He gave another awkward laugh and gave me a friendly pat on the back.

"Well, let's see if you can't repay me by helping me do a little research?" he asked.

"It would be my pleasure." I answered.

Perhaps the day wasn't a complete loss after all?