Side story of Morality in Question
Written by The HamsterofDeath
Just for fun! Enjoy!
He calmly observed the crowd of spiders suffocating this little cafe with their web of nonsensical chatter and idiotic routines. The place was by no means refined enough for his tastes, but everything beat staying in that room of his, looking at the same walls day after day. He needed fresh air, new sights and smells. He knew it would be useless to ask his brother for such a trip, so he asked the only other person capable of dragging him outside: the big spider.
And because she accepted to do him this favor and even ordered a 'hot fudge pudding cake' for him, he decided to humor her just a bit.
"You can use a multi layered pickup line," he said.
She swallowed the cookie that she was chewing on before replying.
"A what, Mr. Knives?"
"For example," he carried on, "if I wanted to mate with you, I would need a question that can be interpreted in many possible ways. By the given answer, you can evaluate the other party's intelligence."
She nodded in understanding. "So I should ask 'Does this look good on me?'" As she pointed towards the simple blue dress with brown stripes that she was wearing.
"No, no, that is simply a trap question. You learn nothing about your potential mate if all the answers he can give are 'wrong'. Let's start with the most simple case, a one layer direct question."
She nodded again. "Ok."
"Do you want to marry me?"
"No," she said and popped another cookie into her mouth.
He frowned, unable to comprehend her answer. "What do you mean, no?"
"Mr. Knives, I am asking you how I can find a mate that is human. So I cannot marry you," she explained as if he were the dumb one here.
Did that woman really think that he had just proposed to her? Was she out of her mind? He gave her a deadpan look and said as slowly as he could "That was just an example."
"Oh. Ok."
"Now, that question is direct. You can still learn something, but the information is mostly useless."
Milly kept watching and listening while now drinking her very sweet coffee.
"If the other one says yes, you know he is a fool who would marry anyone on first sight. You do not want to marry such a spider."
"But if he says no, he doesn't want to marry me! Your question is bad."
"That was just an example for a bad question. Now let's improve. You could ask: Would you like to drink coffee with me?"
She looked at him funny. "I am already drinking coffee with you, Mr. Knives."
"... You are doing this on purpose."
"Of course I am. I never heard of someone drinking coffee by accident. You are so funny, Mr. Knives!"
She was seriously testing his patience now. "Anyway, the coffee question gives you more information. If someone answers yes, he might be interested, or he might be poor and cannot afford a cup of coffee, and wants you to pay for it."
She smiled at him.
"Do you want me to pay, Mr. Knives?"
She was infuriating. "So," he continued as if the interruption never happened, "what you want to do is change the question so that you gain more information. If instead of a coffee, you ask if he wants to listen to a classical piece, you can check if he is civilized."
He made a small pause to watch Milly finish her coffee.
"You can fine tune the question even more. You can make it so that the answer is more complicated. For example: 'Which is your favorite classical composer?'"
"I don't know any classical composers. I just know the melodies."
So there really was a human who didn't know what 'rhetorical question' meant? Amazing, he thought sarcastically. "And then, you can add hints into your question. For example, instead of saying "I feel like walking outside a bit. Do you want to accompany me?" you could say "I feel like walking in that dangerous zone. Would you protect me all the way?" That way, you can instantly check someone's character. But equally important, you need to check his knowledge and intelligence!"
"So I should ask which dangerous way I should take?"
He smiled. "You mixed that up a bit, but we're getting somewhere."
"But you haven't finished your cake yet! Take your time, we're not in a hurry."
His smile fell. He should have asked Meryl after all, even if there was virtually no chance of her accepting or them making it past the doorstep... "Yes, the cake. So what I was trying to explain is that if you drop some hints, you can categorize your potential mate. You could ask if you would be allowed to touch someone's hand."
"You are so romantic, Mr. Knives!"
"If they say yes, you immediately ditch them."
She pouted. "But they are so romantic, Mr. Knives!"
"It was a trick question. Someone versed in physics will know that touching someone is impossible since all the atoms of their hands would repel reach other. So that way, you can both check if your potential mate is interested and test their physics knowledge."
"What if they are dumb, interested, and know about physics?"
"Then it is an extreme case of bad luck. But don't worry, this can be checked as well. Basically, what you have to do is imagine your perfect mate. Then, in your mind, you ask some questions and imagine his answers. And once you find someone who mostly fits to your mental image, you found your perfect mate."
Milly seemed a bit confused.
"Can you give me an example?"
"Would you agree to go back in time with me to change the course of history and make me the king and ruler of humanity so I can lead it to a glorious future full of science, logic and rationality?"
"That is not romantic at all, Mr. Knives."
"You are not giving the answer my potential mate would have given."
She seemed to ponder this a bit. And then her eyes lit up. "Ah, now I see. Ok, my turn: How do I look in this dress?"
"Like a woman."
"You really are not romantic at all, Mr. Knives. I wonder if your advice would really work for me."
"It just means we are not a good fit."
Meanwhile, Meryl was in a frenzy. She informed Vash about Knives' escape. How did he do it? Where was Milly? Was she his hostage? He couldn't even walk yet, she checked his injuries yesterday. What was his plan? She took her cape and ran towards the Sheriff's house to organize a search team. Knives was dangerous!
Back in the cafe, Knives noticed a bunch of armed men taking position outside.
"Say, you told everyone about this, didn't you? I mean, they would assume I kidnapped you if you didn't."
"I left a note."
"I guess there is a chance nobody read it."
After Knives' short explanation, and after it became clear that he was an invalid who didn't even have a gun on him, the local sheriff was convinced that the motive of Meryl Stryfe was nothing else but pure jealousy. She had to cover the complete cost of the intervention with a 25% additional penalty to avoid a trial.
"Gee, I didn't know you and Meryl had something going on," commented Milly while watching the short insurance girl outside try to argue with the Sheriff that it was all a misunderstanding and that she didn't just use them to prevent her crush from dating someone else. „Had I known, I would have asked for permission. But really, you could have told me."
Knives silently glared at her, willing her to just shut up and bring them back home. This day has been tedious enough as it was.
"I know! I will make Meryl draw the short straw from now on to give you two more time! How does that sound?"
The big spider might not have been as stupid as she let on after all.