When Solasta approached the group of recruits she immediately fixed her eyes on the HoloNet report.
"They've already started listing names of those who have had their ID's confirmed and families notified," said a stout Zabrak named Gursan Laikthur without taking his eyes off the screens. Solasta sat beside him and watched mesmerized for nearly an hour as names scrolled on the screen, trying to process each one quickly to determine if it was someone she knew.
"Nojunri, Metho" scrolled past and Solasta felt a pang of sorrow. No matter how much she and Metho may have grown to dislike each other, death was the last thing she would have ever wished upon her. Lost in the thoughts of the once happy friendship they had many years ago, more familiar names caught her attention.
"Kosit, Atan ... Kosit, Cudu... Kosit, Tasa..."
Solasta's chest tightened and she jumped to her feet she knocked the table forward a few feet and toppled the food trays and cups of caffa onto the floor. Taking a few steps towards the monitors she fell to her to knees, and a desperate pained yowl escaped her as she burst into tears.
She was dreaming again, lost in the debris field looking for something, only this time her movement was slowed as though her limbs where weighed down by some unseen force and she tried to wake herself knowing this place wasn't real. Where should would always wake with a jolt and feel anxious, this time she became conscious slowly and felt quite peaceful.
Trying to open her eyes she found they were heavy and despite her efforts would not obey. Next, she tried to move but found that her limbs would not respond to her commands either. She had been sedated. Lying there she could guess that she was in the infirmary by the sounds of the doctors and medical droids moving around treating people before she drifted back to sleep.
When she woke again hours later, she found that her eyes would respond to her and half opening them she turned her head slightly to see a Medical Droid performing a scan on her.
"Wha... wha?" she managed to whisper, as she struggled against the medication that was still coursing through her system.
Without turning to look at her, the medical droid said, "Private Dinn, you have had an outburst and we were required to sedate you to before you injured yourself or anyone else."
"Anyone... else?" she asked.
"Yes, Private Laikthur was trying to assist you and you slashed him with your claws damaging deep tissues that required repairing," said the droid, and as Solasta's eyes struggled to change focus she saw past the droid and recognized Gursan sitting on the next medical bed, disrobed from the waist up and holding a large Steri-pad on his arm.
"Gursan... sorry..." she struggled to say as her voice rasped the words from her dry throat. Gursan, hearing her voice, looked over to her, and smiling said, "I saw you collapse and tried to help, but you went berserk. You're quite the hellcat Dinn."
Solsata tried to point to the arm he was cradling and holding the Steri-pad against but her body still refused to obey and her arm just flopped onto the bed somewhat in his direction and said, "Arm..."
"I'm okay, they micro-stitched the muscle but I'm going to let the dermal heal on it's own. This split my tattoos perfectly and will make an awesome scar when it heals," Gursan said with a wide grin on his face.
Solasta closed her eyes and weakly tried to smile for Gursan, but she drifted back asleep instead.
When she woke again late the next day she felt more herself and despite a pang of hunger she wanted some water. Pressing the button on her bed to summon a medical droid she was surprised when, almost immediately, her Drill Sergeant walked in and approached her.
Standing prone with his usual look of rigid discipline she noticed his eyes soften before he said, "Welcome back Private Dinn and my condolences for your loss. You've been laid up for almost two days now, and I know this is difficult but you need to decide if you're returning to training or will put in for a Medical Stay and restart your training with the next recruits. You think about this and in the meantime someone will be around to speak with you." Solasta said nothing, but knew this meant a 'Psych Exam' and hardened herself for what was to come.
The medical droid eventually responded and brought her some water and lunch. Lost in thought Solasta picked at her meal, not really eating anything, but moving the food around on the tray. She was aware, but didn't acknowledge the doctor who had entered her room and sat next to her bed until the doctor spoke.
"Hello Private Dinn, my name is Dr. Galyean," said the doctor as she tapped at her data pad. "I have a few questions for you, and we can decide where our path takes us," and the doctor smiled hoping to put Solasta a little more at ease.
Nervous with what the doctor was going to ask, or where this conversation may take her, Solasta pushed the tray away and nodded without answering.
"I understand you suffered the loss of family and friends with the Separatist attacks on Ord Mantell. Is this correct?" the doctor asked.
"Yes. My Life-Mate and his family... well, we were to be Soul-Bound when I finished Basics..." and Solasta's words trailed off as she fought to control her breathing and tried desperately to push her pain down deep inside.
"I see," said the doctor, "How does that make you feel?"
"They're in the Aether with our Gods now and their cycle of life has been completed," she said.
"I hope they were welcomed by your Cath'iri [Ancestor Spirits]," and the doctor canted her head forward to show respect, "but you haven't answered my question. How does that make you feel?" This gesture impressed Solasta, as she didn't expect the doctor to have any knowledge of Cathar culture, and felt a little at ease.
"How does it make me feel, Ma'am? I feel like my heart has been ripped from my body." said Solasta with tears welling in her eyes, and her voice raising. "We promised our lives to each other and I should have been there with Tasa... I should have been there to protect Atan and Cudu... Everything we planned, and everything we promised each other, is all gone now. It's not fair!" and she broke down sobbing with short gasps.
The doctor stood and put her hand on Solasta's shoulder, and said "Private if you had been there you most likely would be dead, or worse. I'll let you rest and we can talk again later, until then, I'd like you to think about what you would say to Tasa if it were possible to have 30 seconds with him, and I also want you to think about what he may have to say to you." The doctor left and stood in the hallway outside Solasta's room where she updated the file on her data pad with a note, "Private Dinn; normal grieving process underway w/ strong Cathar cultural background for support. Recommendation: Return to Basic Training if desired by patient with weekly sessions for grief counseling."
Still weeping, Solasta rolled onto her side and pulled her knees up to hug them. Closing her eyes she thought about what she would say to Tasa if she were given the chance, and imagined the conversation. "I'm sorry I wasn't there Tasa. I'm sorry that I get to live and you're dead. I'm sorry I made us wait for the Soul-Binding and now we'll never be together." As she laid there, she emptied her mind and tried to imagine what Tasa would say to her, and as she began to drift asleep she heard his deep velvet voice in her mind. "Don't be sorry we waited, it was important to us and was what we both wanted. We will be together again one day, but you must continue following your path until then."
She woke hours later, and the medical droid that was scanning her said, "Private Dinn, your scans are all normal and Dr. Galyean has cleared you to return to active status. It is almost time for the evening meal, and I will return immediately with your uniform." The droid left her and returned a few minutes later with her uniform pressed and folded neatly.
She got dressed and made her way back to her barracks where the other recruits greeted her with solemn faces and the other Mantellians hugged her. When the Drill Sergeant called from his office, "Private Dinn, front and center!" Solasta presented herself in his office and standing at attention, gave a sharp salute, which the Sergeant returned, before he said, "Well Private, what have you decided to do?"
"Sir, this Private will be finishing her Basic Training and applying for a spot as an Assault Specialist," she answered.
"Very good Private, I realize you feel pretty broken inside right now and this may not be advice you want to hear, but I've lost count of the family and friends I've had to bury, whether they were soldiers in battle or simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. It doesn't get any easier each time someone is lost, and the pain you're feeling is a reminder that their sacrifice is to be honoured by keeping the rest of the Republic safe, anything less would be disrespectful."
Solasta said "Sir, this recruit understands she cannot change what has passed, and can only fight to change what is to come."
"Very well, dismissed Private," and she saluted again before heading up to her room.
Opening the door to her room Solasta could see the light on her terminal blinking through the dark to let her know she had a message waiting, and a wave of terror washed over her as she considered that Tasa may have been able to send one last message and it was delayed by the military communications. She sat on the edge of her bed for nearly an hour before she found the courage to reach over flick the terminal on and retrieve the holo recording that was waiting.
When the image flickered to life it was Tasa's Uncle Nynorr who wore a very sombre look, "Solasta, it is relief to find that you are off planet and well. The Gods have blessed and spared you from this tragedy, and you are in our thoughts and hearts. Tasa's parents have not been recovered yet but Tasa, Atan, and Cudu will have already been cremated by time you receive this, so honour them in the last hour of the day on which you receive this. You need to know that Tasa died a warrior's death protecting the future of the tribe, his brothers. Tasa loved you very much and you are still welcomed as part of the Clan, so do not hesitate to contact Itik, or myself, if there is anything we can do. May the Gods continue to watch over you," and his image faded.
Solasta laid on her bunk, and although saddened by Uncle Nynorr's message, she didn't weep, but oddly felt her resolve strengthened. Of all the advice she had been given that day, knowing that Tasa had died a warrior in the eyes of her Gods put her at peace.
When sunset approached she returned to the main level and walked through the doors to the parade square to face the setting sun. With her eyes closed and face turned to fading light, she sang the Rite of Dusk for Tasa and his family.
Mother Earth weeps.
For today a warrior is lost.
Mother Moon weaves.
Her lost forgotten song.
Father Sun mourns.
For the child whom passed on.
The Stars are alight.
Like jewels of fire.
Sing, sing us a song.
Of the long forgotten one.