CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

SARAYA

Cayla was staring off into space again. "Cayla?" Saraya called. "Luv, please answer me."

Cayla looked at her in confusion for a moment. "Sorry," she said softly. Saraya was just relieved to get an answer.

"I made breakfast... Strawberry-banana pancakes..."

"I'm not hungry."

"Cayla..."

"You and Trixie should eat."

"Cayla, they're your favorite. Just one bite? Please?"

"Thank you, but I'm not hungry."

The responses were automatic. They held no emotion. Saraya wasn't even sure Cayla was registering what she was saying. She wrapped her arms around her and said, "Luv, please. You have to eat!"

"Later... I'll eat later."

"Your old anorexic tricks don't work on me, remember?" Saraya snapped. "Just stop this! You can't keep going on like this, Cayla. You're going to die! This has gone on too long now! Do you understand?" She was yelling now.

Cayla looked at her with tears in her eyes. "I can't, Saraya," she whispered. She was sobbing harder now.

"Shit... Cay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you... Please don't cry..."

Cayla couldn't stop crying. Saraya held her and tried to comfort her while feeling like an asshole. She never lost patience with Cayla like this, but she felt so helpless... And yelling at her will help so much, Saraya thought sarcastically. How could she have been so bloody stupid? Her wife was fragile and about to go beyond the point of no return and she thought bullying her was the answer?

"I'm sorry," Cayla whispered. Then she stopped speaking all together and Saraya was left with only the sound of her wife's sobs.

It was a relief when her phone rang. She hated that she felt that way, but sitting there unable to help the woman she loved was killing her. She looked at the caller ID and saw it was Keith, so she stepped out of the room.

"Hullo, Keith," Saraya answered. "What's up?"

"Hi, Aunt Saraya... Did Mom call you?" Keith asked.

"She did," Saraya confirmed, "but I don't think today will work. It's... She's having a bad day."

"They're all bad right now. Let me see her, Saraya. She needs me."

"Keith, she can't even tolerate me right now, and even Trixie's barely getting anything out of her."

"Trust me. I can help. Please. If it doesn't work, I'll leave, but at least let me try."

Saraya sighed. What harm could it do at this point? "Okay. Come over later. She's exhausted. I want her to get some rest first."

"I'll come by around six."

"Alright." Saraya hung up and prayed this wouldn't be a waste of time.

NICKY

He woke up feeling on top of the world. He had more energy than he'd had in weeks. Nicky, being Nicky, used his excess energy to catch up on his schoolwork. He sat down to write a term paper that was due in two days, then wrote four more that weren't due for a while yet. He even came up with an extra credit project for his literature class.

The euphoria Nicky felt was odd. On some level, he recognized that, but he was just so thrilled to be free from his burdens. He focused on being productive. He still had energy to spare, so he worked out for three hours straight before Lucas caught up with him. He spent another hour working out, now with Lucas, and then Lucas suggested they get something to eat.

Everything went by in a beautiful blur. Nicky felt alive again. He chatted with Lucas over dinner. "You're hardly talking," Nicky noticed aloud.

"I can't get a word in," Lucas said with a laugh. "You're talking a hundred miles a minute, Nicky."

"Am I? I'm sorry. That's so unlike me... I just feel good, you know? Really good."

"It's nice to see you doing better," Lucas said.

"Thanks... So, anyway..." Nicky began rambling again. He couldn't seem to stop. He was just so happy to be feeling something other than anxious and depressed. After dinner, he convinced Lucas to give him another dance lesson.

Keep this up and she'll be yours in no time, he thought. Suddenly, he was absolutely certain of that.

TRIXIE

She couldn't stand being home and watching her mom so far out of her reach anymore, so Trixie decided to spend the day out by herself. It was easier that way. She didn't have to live up to what everyone expected then.

She was wandering her favorite park. Trixie had grown up here. She knew every path by heart. She'd wandered them a lot over the years because she loved being surrounded by nature. Unfortunately, she didn't notice there were new cracks along the way, so her ankle twisted the wrong way. She was going down, but someone steadied her arm before she could fall.

"Seriously?" Danny teased her. "I can't leave you alone for ten seconds, can I?"

Trixie was only partially surprised to see him. "Stalker," she said with a laugh. "Thank you."

Danny let her go. Trixie tried to take a step and winced slightly. Danny turned serious. "Are you okay?" He asked.

"It's just a slight sprain. Trust me, I've had plenty. It'll be fine in a day or two."

"You need to rest it."

"Danny, I'm fine," Trixie insisted. "What are you doing here?"

"Walking. It's a park. That's what people do."

"And you just happened to be right behind me?"

"I may have noticed you walking by... And I couldn't very well risk you being mauled by a band of angry squirrels, could I?"

"Jerk," she said, but she was laughing.

"I told you that, remember? See, I'm not sweet."

"You are sweet. You're just sarcastic, too."

"I'm a New Yorker. Sarcasm is my native tongue."

Trixie started to walk again. Danny stayed close to her. She was comforted by his company, even if she couldn't understand why that was. She still didn't know what her feelings for Danny were, but she liked having him around.

Another dip in the path caused Trixie to stumble. Danny grabbed her and swooped her up in his arms so quickly, she barely registered he'd moved.

"No more walking," Danny said firmly.

"Danny-" Trixie started to protest.

"No. Your ankle was already hurt and you just hurt it worse. You're going to break it next. I'm not putting you down until we see a bench."

"We're deep off the main path. There aren't any benches for a while. You can't carry me all that way."

"Says who? You need to be wrapped in about fifteen rolls of bubble wrap for your own protection from Severe Spaz Syndrome. Since I don't have any on hand, I'm carrying you. End of story."

"Danny, I am perfectly capable of walking."

"My eyes have shown me otherwise today. Now stop complaining. Most girls would love a big, strong guy carrying them around."

"I'm not most girls," Trixie said, although she had to admit it was kind of awesome that Danny had literally swept her off her feet.

"No," Danny said with a smile. "You're definitely not."

Trixie wondered what he meant by that. "So put me down please?"

"Not a chance. Enjoy the ride." He began walking, easily carrying her through the park. Trixie realized it was pointless to protest, especially since her ankle was still throbbing and walking would hurt. She finally rested her head on his shoulder as they moved toward the main path. By the time they found a bench and Danny gently set her down, she didn't want him to. He sat beside her and she put her head back on his shoulder.

"Feeling better?" He asked.

"Much," Trixie replied. She could feel her exhaustion hitting as she got more comfortable. She closed her eyes for just a second.

The next thing she knew, the sun was starting to set. "I... Wait, what happened?" She asked.

"You fell asleep on me," Danny said. He looked at her and added, "You looked like you needed it, so I decided not to wake you."

"But the sun's setting... I must have slept for two hours!"

"Nearly three, actually. It's okay."

"But... I didn't..." Trixie was stunned and not sure what to say.

"Didn't what?"

"Didn't have any nightmares... Danny, I didn't have any nightmares!"

"So that's why you haven't been sleeping?" Danny looked concerned.

"It's no big deal," Trixie said, suddenly embarrassed.

"Yes it is. It's a huge deal. I have nightmare issues, too, sometimes. They're no joke."

"I haven't slept without a nightmare at all since... Since..."

"Since the shooting. It's normal. Your mind is trying to process the unprocessable."

"But now... Today... With you... I didn't have even one. It's the first time I've had any real rest."

"I'm glad, Trixie." He looked at her. "Do you want to head home?"

"Not yet... Maybe we can finish watching the sunset first? It's so beautiful..." She shook her head. "I'm such a dork. You've already been stuck here with nothing to do for so long-"

"It's okay," Danny said quickly. "I don't mind. You need some beauty in your life right now... We both do." He was looking at her as he said it, not the sunset, and Trixie was fairly certain he was talking about her, too. Then again, what did she know about guys? She'd been wrong about Brandon...

There's no room for his ugliness in this beautiful place, Trixie scolded herself. She decided to push Brandon right out of her mind. As she watched the sunset, she felt Danny's eyes on her more often than not. She decided that she didn't mind.

KEITH

He had gone over to Cayla, Saraya, and Trixie's house promptly at six. He had an entire care basket filled with a teddy bear, the scented bath products Cayla loved the most, and a lot of chocolate. Now Keith looked at Saraya and knew it was as bad as he'd guessed. She was even paler than usual and her eyes were puffy and red.

"You're so sweet to do this for her," Saraya said.

"If this stuff doesn't get through to her, nothing will," Keith said. With that, he walked into the bedroom. Cayla was staring at the wall and was still in her pajamas. Keith took a deep breath and said, "Aunt Cay?"

Cayla looked up. Surprise flashed in her eyes. "Keith," she said. "What are you doing here, honey?"

"I came to see you," Keith explained. He presented her with the basket.

Cayla actually smiled sadly. "What's all this?" She asked.

"Just some things I thought might make you feel a little better."

"Keith, you didn't have to do this!" She unwrapped the basket and immediately went for the teddy bear, hugging it to her chest. "Thank you."

Keith smiled. His aunt was a sucker for stuffed animals. "You're welcome. The bath stuff is top of the line."

Cayla picked up a bottle of shampoo and popped the cap open. She inhaled deeply. "Yes, it is... Honey, this is too much-"

"No, it's not. You're worth every penny. And the chocolate is top of the line, too."

Cayla forced her smile now. "You're such a sweetheart." She stood up and walked toward him to hug him, but she stumbled. He could see how dizzy she was as he steadied her.

"Aunt Cay... Eat some chocolate."

"I'm not hungry right now, honey."

"Yes you are. Please don't lie to me..."

She sat back down with his help. Then she sighed. "I just can't eat right now, Keith."

"Yes you can. Come on. You love chocolate."

"I... I'm not hungry," she said again.

"Aunt Cayla, you promised!" Keith cried out. His desperation seeped into his voice as he quietly added, "You promised me you'd never do this again."

"Keith, I..." Cayla started to cry. "I'm sorry..."

"Do you think Show would want this?" Keith asked.

Cayla shrank at the mention of Show. Keith knew she was ready to listen, even if what he had to say would hurt her. He hated hurting her, but she needed help. He kept his tone gentle but urgent as he continued. "Show died to save your life, Aunt Cay. He died so you wouldn't, and you're throwing that away."

Cayla looked like he'd slapped her. He thought he was being too harsh, but then, very softly, she said, "You're right... But I don't know how to stop... I can't eat. I panic if I try."

"You've beaten this before. You can beat it again."

"I just..." Cayla started to cry harder. "I feel like I should have died. I know it's stupid, but he wasmy family, and this is my fault... I knew Jordy was unstable, but I let him leave!"

"This is not your fault, just like it's not my mom's, or Paul's. You guys could not have known he'd show up with a gun. And you saved people, Aunt Cay. I heard about how you saved Nikki, who you don't even like, and you saved a bunch of others because you talked the gun out of his hand. No one else could have done that."

Cayla shook her head. "People died, Keith... Show died..."

"I know. But you didn't. Don't let that be for nothing... Let people help you... Let me help you. Keep your promise to me, Aunt Cay. Get well."

Cayla looked at him and he was startled at how lost she looked. "Okay," she said softly as she clutched the teddy bear again.

"Okay?" Keith asked.

"Okay. I... I'll get help."

"Really?"

"Really. I'll call Paul. He has resources that have helped me before... I can't do this alone."

"You're not alone. Not even slightly. You have all of us."

She offered him another sad smile. "I know... And that's why I have to get better. For Saraya, and Trixie, and your parents, and to keep my promise to you... And for... for Show. I owe him that."

Keith wrapped her in a hug. "Thank you," he whispered, trying to hide his own tears of relief.

"No. Thank you. For reminding me why I need to fight this."

"I love you, Aunt Cay."

She hugged him tighter and said, "I love you, too, Keith."

They sat like that in silence for a few minutes before Cayla asked for her cell phone. Keith watched as she took a deep breath and dialed a number. After a minute, she said, "Paul, it's me... I need you to set up treatment for me... In-patient."

Keith could see how hard it was for her to say the words. He squeezed her hand supportively. When she finally hung up, he said, "I'm proud of you, Aunt Cay... And Show would be, too."

He didn't know what would happen next, but he hoped his aunt would find the strength to get well like she had before. Whatever happened, she'd taken the first step, and right now, that was what mattered the most.