Sherlock

I don't remember those first couple of weeks before the funeral. The first thing I remember was John waking me up one morning and told me it was time to go to the funeral. It was the first time he had spoken to me since the doctors told us Grace was dead. Slowly I got up, my suit was hanging on the back of the door. After I had put on the suit, I stood looking in the mirror. The suit was the same one I wore when Grace and I went to the museum gala. I had tried hard to delete the memories because it hurt too much, but they just kept creeping their way back into my head. I still could feel Grace's hand in mine, the sound of her voice, and the taste of her lips. I closed my eyes wiping the tears away as I slowly walked over to the table and picked up the envelope. In it was the song I had written for Grace. I was going to give it to her the morning she left. As I stood holding this envelope, my body ached, I felt so empty.

"Sherlock, let's go!" John called.

It was a lovely service or so everyone told me. I didn't understand how it could be lovely. We placed a dead body in a box and then placed that box in the ground and buried it, there is nothing lovely about that, especially when the person in that box was your whole world.

"It's supposed to help with closure." John told me, as he could see how upset I was.

When we got home, I circled up in my chair. Closing my eyes I slowly drifted to sleep.

"Sherlock," I heard someone say and I opened my eyes to find Grace standing in front of me. She stood in the purple dress she wore when we went to the museum.

"You're alive!" I gasped as I ran towards her. Pulling her into my arms, I breathed in her scent. I ran my hands through her hair as I gave her a soft kiss.

"Why couldn't you save me." She said as she stepped back.

My jaw dropped as her words hit me. "What?" I gasped.

"Why couldn't you save me?" She asked again and suddenly a gun fired and Grace grabbed her stomach slumping into my arms.

"No!" I screamed holding her as I looked up to see Moriarty laughing. "Grace please don't leave me." I begged.

"Save me." She whispered causing me to cry.

"I…I…can't" I cried.

"Save me." She said again.

"Grace, I love you, please don't leave me."I said as I watched her eyes close and she took her last breath. "No!" I screamed out in angst.

"Sherlock, wake up." I heard someone say as they shook me awake. "Sherlock," John said as I opened my eyes.

I hopped up running around the room. "I couldn't save her, she died in my arms and I couldn't save her!" I screamed

"Sherlock stop!" John yelled as he grabbed my arms.

"It was my fault," I cried falling to my knees.

"No, Sherlock, Grace made her decision, there was nothing you could have done." John said.

"I'm Sherlock Holmes, I don't fail!" I screamed as I ran to my room collapsing on the bed. It still smelled of Grace's perfume. I pulled the sheets around me. Since sleeping was definitely out of the question, I just laid in my cocoon, running the sound of Grace's voice over and over in my head.

The minutes blurred into hours, the hours, days, the days, weeks. Most days I laid in bed, others I played my violin. I never left my room though.

"Sherlock, there is a client." John said one day coming into my room.

"I don't care," I groaned, my head barely poling out of my cocoon.

"Come on Sherlock, it might make you…" John started but I quickly grabbed one of my pillows and threw it at him.

"Get out!" I snapped and John quickly shut the door. I couldn't go on cases my mind was filled with Grace.

After 3 weeks I finally left the flat but not for the reason John wanted. The pain had become to extreme, I needed something to numb it. To do this, I turned to the one thing I knew could do the trick. It had been years since I had bought cocaine. My first supplier had mysteriously disappeared, at the hand of Mycroft I suspected. I had to find a new one, which wasn't that difficult.

I bought a one pound bag and got the number of my new supplier before I headed home. John had gone on a date with some girl he had met so I had the whole flat to myself. When I got back, I used the cocaine feeling its effects ripple through my body. Then, I quickly put the cocaine in one of my hiding spots before I headed back to my room to sit in the dark.

I pulled out my phone. It's light was bright as it was the only light in the room Quickly I dialed Grace's number still having it memorized.

"We're sorry this phone has been discontinued." The voice said and then there was silence.

The silence tore at me as my aloneness set it.

"Grace," I muttered into the silence.

"Sherlock." I could hear Grace's soft voice say.

"No!" I cried as I held my hands over my ears.

"Sherlock." I heard Moriarty laugh. "Can you feel it, can you feel her blood on your hands."

"Get out of my head!" I screamed as I stood up.

Suddenly the light turned on. "Sherlock, what's wrong?" John asked coming into the room.

"I'm going to kill Moriarty!" I exclaimed as I ran into the parlor. I found a woman waiting. She had blond hair that was cut short so it curled just beneath her ears. "John, I told you, I'm not going on cases anymore," I screamed at the woman

"No, no, Sherlock, um… this is Mary, I told you about her remember." John said coming up behind her wrapping his arm around her waist.

"Oh, hello Macy." I said before I started searching around the flat.

"Mary." John coughed.

"So, you are the great Sherlock Holmes that John tell me about." Mary smiled.

"Not anymore." I said. "John where is it?"

"Where is what?" John asked.

"Your gun."

"You are not going after Moriarty!" He snapped.

"I can't keeping going on, knowing that I let the man who killed Grace just walk away. "

"And you think that going and trying to kill Moriarty is going to bring Grace back, because it's not." John snapped.

"That's not why I want to kill him. I just need to do this John, please let me do this."

"What happens, if he kills you first?" Mary chimed in.

"Then I die." I said.

"So, you want to make Grace's death mean nothing."

"It didn't mean nothing!" I snapped.

"She died to protect you and John, but you would be completely willing to die, making her sacrifice mean nothing." Mary said as I stared at her. I wanted so bad to be angry, but she was right, and I knew it.

"Hang onto this one, John." I said as I slowly made my way back to my room.

I spent most days all alone. Most of the day, John was either at work or with Mary and when he was home I was in my room. The aloneness didn't bother me because most days I was in a drug induced haze.

One morning I woke up to find that John was still here.

"John?" I asked as I walked into the parlor. "What are you doing?"

"Merry Christmas." He said.

I took a moment to take everything in. The Christmas tree stood in the corner.

"Lestrade and Molly will be here soon, so will you please get dressed." John said.

"John, I don't want to see people." I replied.

"It's Christmas Sherlock, for one day you can be social."

I was practically forced to get dressed by John, as he shoved me into my room.

Mary arrived soon after I was dressed. She had a bag full of presents, which she placed underneath the tree.

"Good morning Sherlock." She smiled.

"Good morning Mary." I said as I looked at the boxes. Most of them were to John, and Mary, Molly and Lestrade, but I could see one at the bottom for me. Slowly I picked it up trying to decipher what it was. It was a rectangular shape and I could tell by the foam I could feel that whatever it was, was fragile.

"No peeking." Mary said as she grabbed the box from my hands. "You don't get to open your presents until everyone gets here."

"Fine," I huffed as I sat in my chair, arms folded across my chest . Closing my eyes, I imagined Grace sitting in my lap smiling as she opened her presents. I could feel her hands on mine.

"Sherlock," I heard someone say, I opened my eyes to see Lestrade and Molly standing together.

They sat together and I could see that there was something going on, but I was too distracted by thoughts of Grace to care.

"She should be here," I thought. The sadness started to set in. My eyes quickly darted to my hiding spot, where I knew my relief waited. But I knew I couldn't just grab cocaine out in front of Lestrade and especially not in front of John.

"Alright." Mary smiled. "We have some wine in the kitchen, and John's getting some snacks ready. Let's open our gifts."

Everyone was laughing as they opened their gifts. For one brief moment, I felt happy. I smiled and laughed with everyone else. For one brief moment, I forgot about my pain and I forgot about Grace.

"This one is to John, from Mary." I said as I handed a small box to John.

I could see a big smile appear on Mary's face as John opened the box and pulled out a key.

"It's a key to my apartment." She said.

John smiled as he pulled her in and kissed her.

I got a scarf, and a new magnify glass. John got some cardigans. Mrs. Hudson, who was with her sisters family, had gotten us each some money to spend.

I looked at the tree to find that there was one present left. Picking it up, I found that it was the one that I had picked up early. However, this time I say who it was from and I gasped about dropping it.

"What's wrong Sherlock?" John asked. "Who is it from?"

"Grace." I breathed my voice cracking.

"What!" John exclaimed.

"She had gotten it, before she died." Molly chimed in sadly. "She knew she couldn't hide it here, because you would have found it. So, she asked me to take care of it. I thought you still needed to have it, and I know Grace would want you to have it."

Slowly, my shaking hands opened the present, unwrapping the paper wanting to preserve it. As I looked at the present in my heart I could feel my heart break as tears started to form in my eyes.

"What is it?" John asked.

"It's a picture of Grace and me." I said picking the frame up. As I did the back fell off and I saw what was in it. "And tickets to Paris." I said my voice cracking as I stared at them.

"Sherlock." John said but I just tuned him out. I sat staring at the tickets and the picture as the world went on around me. John tried to shake me out of it, but after a while, he just gave up.

By the time I finally did look up, I found that Lestrade and Molly were gone, now it was just Mary and John.

"It's my fault." I whispered.

"Sherlock, we have discussed this, it was…" John stated.

"Yes it is, she should be the one here not me, I should be dead not her!" I screamed.

"Sherlock Holmes! Don't you dare say that." John snapped.

Without saying another word, I stormed into my room the frame and tickets still in my hands. Angrily, I slammed the door throwing the tickets on the ground. Gently I set the picture next to my bed before I rushed over to another one of my hiding spots where I had hidden a bottle of scotch. Since I couldn't get to my drugs, I needed something to numb the pain.

"Sherlock," I heard someone knock on my door.

"Go away!" I snapped as I downed another swig.

"Sherlock, you need to talk about this. Don't bottle it all up."

"I'm fine." I collapsed onto the bed grasping the bottle in my hand tightly.

"Come on Sherlock, it's me, you don't have to do this, you can talk to me!" I heard John say.

"John, I'm fine, just leave me alone!" I screamed.

I got what I wanted. No one knocked on my door anymore, no one talked to me, I was left alone just as I wanted. My aloneness lasted for weeks although, John tried I kept pushing him away.

As the weeks went on I just stayed in my drug induced haze. Soon I couldn't even tell what day it was. But I didn't care. In my mind, I was safe I wasn't going to get hurt anymore if I was alone. Aloneness kept me safe.

John was with Mary almost every chance he had. I knew he wanted to go stay with her, but he was to afraid to leave me alone.

But everything changed when I woke up one morning. My drugs had worn off and as I looked at my phone. All the pain that had numbed these past few months hit me like a tidal wave. It was exactly one year from the day that Grace died. Slowly I closed my eyes the memories of that day, Grace's face as she cried, the way Moriarty had his hands on her, and the gunshot, especially the gun shot, rushed back into my mind.

I quickly ran to the parlor looking for my drugs. But as I reached my hiding spot I found that my bag was empty.

"No!" I cried out as I quickly pulled my phone out to call my supplier. Punching in the number, I just got an answering machine.

"She's dead Sherlock." I heard Moriarty's voice say mockingly. "And it's your fault."

"Stop!" I cried as I hit the floor.

"Sherlock, why couldn't you save me," I heard grace say.

"I'm so sorry." I cried.

"You failed Sherlock." Moriarty laughed.

Suddenly my head snapped up and I ran up the stairs to John room. I quickly tore my way through his room looking for his gun. I threw open one of his drawers and quickly pulled it out.

Do it Sherlock!" I heard Moriarty yell. "You'll be with Grace forever, isn't that what you want."

"Sherlock, don't" I could hear her voice say as I brought the gun up to my head and set it against my temple.

"I'm sorry," I said closing my eyes as I set my finger on the trigger.

Suddenly the gun was knocked out of my hands. "What in the hell do you think you are doing!" I opened my eyes to see John standing holding the gun wide eyed.

"John I…" I started quickly wiping the tears away. All of a sudden, John punched me.

"You selfish bastard!" He yelled.

"Excuse me?" I asked holding my now bloody nose.

"She was my sister!" He screamed. "You don't think I hurt too, Yes, I know you loved her and I'm sorry. But I loved her too and you don't see me trying to kill myself. Sherlock, I thought you were smarter than that. Do you realize how selfish you are being!"

"Selfish!" I yelled back. "When have I even done something selfish! Everything I ever do is to protect someone. I tried so hard to protect you and Grace and look how that turned out. I'm done trying to help people who are just going to end up being killed, I can't do it anymore! I'm giving up!" I screamed as I reached for his gun but he quickly jumped out of the way.

"What happened to the Sherlock I knew?" John asked. "The one who didn't care about anyone. The one who was too vain to even think about killing himself. The one that was smart!"

"There never was one, John! It was all an act so I would get hurt. But I fell in love, which was one thing I thought I would never do and so the act went away because I felt like I was safe. But when Grace died, she took me with her." I cried.

"Sherlock," John's voice was softer now. "I know it hurts, but you are never going to be able to move on if you don't try. Grace isn't coming back, but killing yourself isn't the answer. Let me get you help. Mary and I want to help if you would just let us.

"I don't need help!" I snapped.

"Sherlock, don't' be like this. I'm your friend just…"

"I don't have friends!" I screamed and I watched as John's face fell looking so hurt as my words sunk in. "Not anymore, you said you wondered where the old Sherlock went, well, here you go!" I threw my arms out to the side.

"Sherlock, that's not what…"

"Get out!" I screamed.

"What?" John asked staring blankly at me.

"You don't need to look out for me anymore! I know that's the only reason you are staying here, you feel as if you need to baby sit me. Go live with Mary, John, because I don't' need you anymore!" I yelled.

"Fine Sherlock, I'll go!" John yelled as he stormed out. As I heard the door shut, all the anger melted back into sadness. Slowly I crawled over to the window. I watched as a cab pulled away. I was finally alone, completely and utterly alone.

Grace