Thwap. Thwap. Thwap. Thwap. Thwap.
Well that's certainly rhythmic. It's kinda soothing in a strange sort of way.
THWAP. THWAP. THWAP. THWAP.
Now it's more than a little ominous. I think I liked the last version better.
THWAP. THWAP. THWAP!
Ow! What the hell was that? Where am I? Who's this terrifying old crone standing above me? Is that a scythe she's wielding? No, it looks more like a rolled up text. Hmmm, seems like I may have gone to hell. I suppose this was an inevitable outcome of my behavior. Wait, no! No I can't be in hell, I've a got date! I can't believe that the first time a girl asks me anywhere that I ha-
"Hikigaya. My office, end of the day. Complaints?"
Her eyes clearly stated that I in fact had no complaints, absolutely none. Those with complaints were advised to contact the funeral director about possible flower arrangements for their grave.
"No Ma'am."
Hiratsuka-Sensei was kind enough to deign one final glare my way before skulking back to the front of the room. Not wanting to draw any more attention to myself than I already had, I waited a few moments before glancing around. Yuigahama's eyes peered out from over her textbook at me, questioning my behavior. Well I'm sorry Yuigahama, I was asleep, so I can't really give you an in-depth explanation as to exactly what happened there. God, that girl was always so demanding.
A short burst of sound indicated the end of the day. A heroic attempt on the part of Hiratsuka-Sensei to get her last words out failed as a ruckus erupted from the excitable students. Sensei's eyes locked on me and a single, long finger curled inward towards her. A clear indication that I was to follow her. I trudged after her, like a cow that had been torn from a rather tasty bit of grass by a tractor beam. A particularly old and grouchy tractor beam. One that would probably never find a nice tractor beam husband to settle down with. Now all it does it tear cattle out of fields-
"Hikigaya, you've got a particularly stupid look on your face. Would you like to tell me exactly what you're thinking about back there?"
Well shit. This sort of situation would be deemed 'sub-optimal' by the national foundation for massive understatements (or NFMU as I call it).
Sensei's posture seemed like a sort of physical manifestation of killer intent. She's looking at me out of the corner of her eyes, with her body not entirely facing me. Her fists however, are in plain sight. I would guess from way her nails are digging into her palms, that some of my internal monologue was not as internal as I thought. Or… worse, she has some sort of mutant telepathy powers. Clear your mind Hachiman, she can hear your thoughts!
"…Uh, I'm not sure what you're talking about Sensei. Is there something troubling you?"
Hiratsuka -Sensei let a long, drawn-out sigh escape. Seated at her desk in the teacher's office, her gaze softened somewhat.
"Okay, so what exactly did you do? You can tell me now, or I can fish it out of Yuigahama and Yukinoshita later. I promise that the former is a better choice than the latter."
Why would she assume that Yukinoshita and Yuigahama were involved? I guess it makes sense now that I think about it. I don't really interact with many people, so if something were to throw me out of my rhythm it would likely be them. It could just as easily be a personal problem, or some sort of outside influence though. Don't assume things so easily Hiratsuka -Sensei!
"Ah. It doesn't actually involve them Sensei."
"Don't lie to me Hikigaya. I saw your eyes at the beginning of my class. There was a sort of terror in them; a terror I know from experience that can only be caused by a woman. Trust me Hikigaya, I can sense woman-related-terror in a man from a mile away."
You know what Sensei? I believe you, I really and truly do.
Her posture was slumped again, and when she raised her head there was fire in her eyes. The heat of a furnace, fueled by the many failed relationships of her long adult life, blazed out at me. How can she hear my thoughts!? Why is every woman in my life endowed with skills that are clearly counters to me? If I had known I was going to be counter-picked so hard, I would have specced differently!
"Ah, but I suppose you're right sensei. It is female related, but not necessarily related to the service club."
A surprised expression flickered across Hiratsuka-Sensei's face. She seemed to consider that for a moment, and then gave me a brief nod. She waited for me to elaborate further, something I had little interest in doing. I also had little interest in death however, and that seemed to me to be the most likely alternative. So, reluctantly, I began to explain my situation. Pausing multiple times to explain who the actors were, and why I was pretty sure that this wasn't all an elaborate prank.
"… So that's about the gist of it. I'm not sure exactly what got in her head, but I think that she's serious about this."
"And how do you feel about it? This isn't a one-way street Hikigaya."
Ah. That's an excellent question Sensei… I suppose I have been neglecting my own thoughts on the matter. What do I want out of this? How can I even determine that? Let's start from the top.
Is this something that would benefit me? No, in many ways this was likely to have an overall negative impact on my life. I was going to have to explain this over and over and over again. The mere thought of talking this through with Yukinoshita and Yuigahama made me want to nap from the sheer exhaustion of it all. So let's count that as one point against it.
Is this something that I think is a good idea? No, how could this possibly end well for me? I'll probably be creepy, or annoy her, or say something horrible and unforgivable. This is firmly planted in the category of bad ideas. That's another strike against it.
Now that I've established this is a bad idea that won't benefit me at all, there's really only one question left to ask. After which I can safely email Orimoto and call this all off. So let's finish our analysis shall we brain?
Is this something that I want? Yes.
Wait, where did that come from? Is that what I actually think? That doesn't sound like me. Wait… is that you, heart? You don't get a vote here! This is a conversation between me and brain. This discussion is not a place for emotion, so would you kindly keep your feelings to yourself? Let's try this again.
Is this something that I want? YES.
Shit. Maybe that was a fluke, I should try one last time…
Is this something- YES YES YES YES YES. YOU MORON.
Well, I guess the matter is decided. I suppose that I shouldn't have tried to entirely remove my emotions from this discussion. But for future consideration heart, a little restraint would have gone a long way. I wish you and logic would get along better. Stupid heart.
"… I guess there's something about it that makes sense to me. Well, there's something about it that doesn't make sense to me. Maybe I'm interested in that, it's very confusing though."
I'm unsure how to describe the look on Hiratsuka-Sensei's face at that point in time. There was a softening of her features. She looked matronly, she almost looked at me with a sort of pride. The warm glow of late afternoon surrounded her frame, giving her an angelic air. Begrudgingly, I thought that she was a sort of guardian angel to me. Always there to help me when I needed it, give me advice when I didn't know what to do, and just generally assist in cleaning up the catastrophic messes I tended to make. She was a good person. Well at least deep, deep down, below all the violence. Hell if I'd ever let her know that though.
"Hikigaya, while your sentence structure was pretty appalling there, I'm willing to let it go this time. I think that statement you just made shows a lot of growth. Honestly, I'm pretty surprised that it came from you. Especially given your rather absurd tendencies to always make the worst out of a situation."
Gee thanks Sensei. I take back all of the nice thoughts. You're going to die alone.
"Ah… Thanks, Sensei?"
"No problem Hikigaya." She said with a kind smile. "Now, I would you think about how exactly you plan to tell Yuigahama and Yukinoshita about this."
Ah, yeah. I hadn't really thought that far ahead. Well I suppose I had, but I wasn't really able to think of a good way to do it. I'm not really sure what to expect out of them when they hear about this. Derision from Yukinoshita is probably a given, but what about Yuigahama I wonder…
"Yeah… Any suggestions about that Sensei?"
Another kind smile found its' way onto her face. This time, it seemed almost sad in a strange sort of way.
"Unfortunately I can't really help you there Hikigaya. This is something that you're going to have figure out on your own. Just trust your gut here. I know it's something you're not used to, but it's a skill you'll need in the future. So think of this as excellent practice."
Ugh, that was not the response I had hoped for. I suppose though that this discussion has been helpful in a weird sort of way though. Good work Sensei, maybe you have what it takes to be a teacher after all.
"I see… Thank you Sensei. You know, you're surprisingly good council when it comes to romantic matters."
"What is so surprising about that Hikigaya?"
Her previously warm countenance immediately dissipated. A dark, unearthly aura began to envelop the room. Its source, of course, was an old woman; one who had tried and failed innumerable times to have a meaningful relationship of her own. A woman who was now moments away from being put in prison for the murder of one of her students. To save my poor, fragile body I sprang into action.
"I mean, I'm just surprised a woman as young as you, would be so sagacious and wise about the ways of love!" Whew, good work brain! This is why I rely on you so often. Heart, please take notes; if you could save me as often as brain does, I might listen to you more.
"Hmph. I suppose you're right on that count Hikigaya. Now, I think it's about time you headed to the service club. Your club mates are likely waiting on you."
"Ah, yes. Thank you for your time, and your advice Sensei."
I think I meant that part. She may be a violent, lonely, old crone, but she has a good heart. Someone please take her, I'm currently otherwise occupied!
As I trudged out of the room, I heard a gentle sigh. Turning to take one last look at my mentor, I saw her back was towards me with her eyes out the window. She seemed to be lost in thought, looking out at the cold field below.
"If only I had been born ten years later." A soft whisper as I closed the door behind me.
Now onward to the real test. I'd escaped the dangerous and violent pitfalls of the Sensei arena. Now I was going to have to work through the derision and questions of the service club. I felt a pit forming in my stomach. The walk down the hallway seemed so long, but somehow I wish it was even longer. I needed more time to collect myself and my thoughts. Before I knew it however, the door to the club stood before me. It looked a bit like the gateway to hell, but I suppose at this point I'm just being dramatic for its own sake. Well, here goes nothing…