We wasted no time in returning to the library to inform Giles of what had happened. Buffy and Willow both had tried to question me about Spike, or, William, whatever he was now. I wasn't in the mood to talk about it, though. Not yet.

It was a lot to process, and I couldn't get rid of the cold feeling in the pit of my stomach.

You know those moment when your mind literally whirls because of some stressful situation you're facing and you know you have to deal with and can't run away from, even if you tried? That feeling that this is your mess to deal with, and it won't be pleasant?

That's how I felt, and I was having a hard enough time concentrating on just following Buffy without adding the taxing effort of speech.

After I'd waved off their questions a couple of times, they took the hint and stopped asking, though Willow seemed to sense my turmoil a bit better than Buffy was, which wasn't surprising. Buffy saw Spike as a new quarry, a new challenge. Willow might see him as just another strong vampire, but she at least recognized that to me…he was something else. Or he had been.

"Are you okay?" she asked as we strode across the school grounds, Xander following behind with a stake in hand, glancing around anxiously.

I shrugged. I wasn't, but I would be. I had to be.

"You two must have been close, huh?" she murmured. I winced and looked down for a moment. Close? Of course we'd been close.

William had helped bring my humanity back when I was having such a difficult time adjusting after I'd spent so much time feeding off of humans. In a way, he'd saved me.

And now look at him.

Dear God, what I had done wrong? I should never have left him, even temporarily.

Once we reached the library, Buffy explained the attack to Giles while Ms. Calendar (why on earth was she still here?) started gathering studying supplies. If I'd been feeling more myself, I might have been annoyed she was taking over my job. As it was, I didn't care.

"Spike?" Giles repeated when she'd finished. "That's a little unorthodox, isn't it?"

"Maybe he's reform?" Buffy joked, then glanced over at me.

"Margery called him something else, though. William." She arched an eyebrow in my direction, asking if I wanted to talk about it now.

I didn't, but I knew I had to.

"I knew him when he was a human." I explained. Everyone looked at me. Well that certainly didn't make me uncomfortable. I just love it when people stare, it's the highlight of my day.

"We met in London," I continued, every word bringing back a memory that was now painful to recall, knowing what it had ultimately led to. Fate is really not a kind mistress.

"His name was William Pratt. He was…" I sighed, shook my head, "he was kind. Gentle." I broke off and shook my head again. This wouldn't help us. And it certainly wasn't helping me at all. It felt like someone was twisting an icy blade in my chest and wrenching it hard whenever I pictured his face.

"I lost contact with him," I finished, "I meant to come back…I-I had to take a break. But…he wasn't like this then. He helped me." I sighed again and rubbed a hand across my face, noticing for the first time that it was trembling.

"He helped me." I finished in a murmur.

There was an awkward silence. Willow moved to my side and put her arms around me, rubbing my arm consolingly. I let her, and found myself leaning into her. Bless her, I needed to feel connected to something. How she knew that, I don't know, but she did. Willow's very insightful like that sometimes.

"Well, whoever he is now," Ms. Calendar broke in, making me frown, "we'll need all the help we can get this Saturday."

Xander stepped up and poked at an open book Giles had left while Buffy was speaking.

"So this Saint Vigeous deal," he said, "if they're gonna attack in force is anyone else thinking vacation?"
Willow frowned at him and dropped one arm, but kept one encircled around my shoulders.

"We can't run, that would be wrong." She reprimanded him, then turned to Buffy. "Can we hide?" I had to smirk at that.

"I mean," she continued and looked apologetically at me, "no offense, but if that Spike is leading the attack-" she shuddered and made a scared sound. What hurt was that she was right. Spike, not William, he wasn't William now, Spike had seemed nothing if not threatening. Like a big cat. The thought of a panther came to mind.

If panthers can be blond.

I frowned and looked back at the library doors as a familiar scent wafted to me.

Angel had arrived.

"Well he can't be any worse than any other creature you've faced." Giles pointed out.

Angel's face crinkled into a deep frown as he stalked towards us.

"He's worse." He said, getting everyone's attention.

And here I'd been hoping for a chance of redemption. Serves me right, I suppose. Never hope, you'll always be disappointed.

"Once he starts something he doesn't stop." Angel continued. That sounded like William, I'd known him to stay up for days to try and finish writing a particularly difficult piece. I had to shake my head to clear those thoughts away.

Spike. Not William. This meant something else and it didn't sound like Spike would just be composing an insulting poem to Buffy.

"Not until everything in his path is dead." Angel finished. Definitely not a poem, then.

"So he's thorough," Xander said, "goal-oriented."

Buffy was eying Angel, however. Eying him in a very specific way.

I think I smelled hormones hit the air.

"We were at the Bronze earlier," she said, "hoped you might show."

"You said you weren't sure if you were going." Angel pointed out.

Call me petty, but I couldn't help but be a bit annoyed by this turn in the conversation. We were talking about the night of Saint Vigeous, for heaven's sake. And my best friend was leading an attack and had turned into a monster and they were talking about courting?

To be fair, they had no idea how this was affecting me, but…still. Vampire attack. Those two words should be enough to push banter about dating back down the priority list, one would assume. Apparently one would assume incorrectly, since that's what they were doing.

"I was being cool." Buffy answered. "Come on, you've been dating for, what, two hundred years? You don't know what it means when a girl says maybe she'll show?"

Angel smiled at that.

"Wow," Willow said, pulling away from me, while Giles stubbornly refused to look interested in the conversation at all, and he probably wasn't, to be honest. "two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year that's still like four hundred dates with four hundred different-"

Buffy whirled around to glare at Willow.

Willow caught the glare and hastily looked at the desk for a change of subject. She found one.

"Why do they call it a mace?" she asked, patting a mace on the desk.

"We do have slightly more urgent matters to discuss." Giles pointed out, finally breaking into the talking.

"Yeah, like keeping Principal Snyder away from my mom tomorrow night?" Buffy reminded us.

Such a strange little man, Snyder. He reminded me of a lot of retail workers. Very misanthropic, particularly of children, if one went by what Giles had said.

"And not dying Saturday." Ms. Calendar reminded everyone, a bit needlessly. Not dying was practically a part of every Saturday we had.

"Angel," Giles said, but I noticed Angel was already slipping back to the doors, unseen by the others, for some reason we vampires and half-vampires do get a sort of thrill out of arriving and departing without notice. I suppose it makes us feel all the more mysterious. As if we need any more of that bullocks.

"do you know if this Spike fellow goes by any other name besides William Pratt?" Giles finished.

When there wasn't a reply everyone looked up, just in time to see the door swing shut.

"Okay, that's it." Xander said in exasperation, "I'm putting a collar with a little bell on that guy."

I looked at him and smirked.

"Good luck with that, lad." I said, unable to keep a hint of laughter out of my voice.

I would have to have a word with Angel about actually letting his footsteps be heard. Some of our kind are a bit overly cautious.

That night, Giles didn't ask any questions. Not that I really gave him the opportunity, I went to my room and locked the door as soon as we got home, but he didn't ask any questions on the ride home, either, though I know he was desperate to. He kept glancing at me, but I was always looking out the window, staring straight ahead, staring at nothing.

I think he wanted to say he was sorry, as though a friend had just died, which, in a way, I suppose he had, though I'd already come to terms with it. This was different, though.

He wanted to ask about what William had been like, what our friendship had been, but I couldn't talk about it now. The pain was still too fresh. This must have been what Xander and Willow felt when Jesse was changed.

So we didn't speak about Spike, or anything. He gave me my space, which was what I needed.

The next day, we (Xander, Buffy, Willow, myself, Ms. Calendar, Giles, and even Cordelia) all gathered in the library to start preparing for the attack. Most of us sharpened stakes, while I sharpened arrowheads and stakes intermittently, and Willow followed my lead when she wasn't playing around with the crossbow.

Buffy alternated between sharpening machetes and chopping up vegetables and fruit with the machetes.

"For three nights the Unholy Ones scourge themselves to a-a fury-" Giles read from one of the texts, breaking off when Willow accidentally pointed the crossbow at his face. He pushed it down to face the table before continuing.

"Culminating in a savage attack on the night of Saint Vigeous."

"Does anyone remember when Saturday night meant date night?" Xander asked.

"You sure don't." Cordelia answered, earning a glare from Xander. To be fair, he left himself wide open for that one.

"Parents are arriving in an hour!" Buffy exclaimed, looking at the clock as though it were a demon. "Okay, so, um, banners are in place, the lounge is comfy, what am I forgetting?" Buffy baffled. I had no idea what was expected at these kinds of functions so I shrugged helplessly.

"Punch?" Willow suggested.

"Punch!" Buffy exclaimed, "I need punch!"

"My fingers are cramping." Cordelia complained, "How long have I been doing this?"

"Three minutes." Xander snapped.

"So can I go now?" she demanded, "She doesn't need this many stakes."

"You've made five," I pointed out, "Xander's made five, and we're expected about two dozen vampires, if not more." I crossed my arms, "How many vampires would you like to not eat you?"

"Uh, none of them? Or, all of them?" Cordelia said, confused. "Anyway, if this Spike guys is as mean as you all say then it should be over pretty quickly."

We all looked at her, glaring.

"I mean, we're still all rooting for you," Cordelia clarified for Buffy, "I'd be there for you myself if I didn't have a leg wax."

Buffy rolled her eyes.

"You guys hold down the fort, I'm punch-bound." She said, setting down her machete to go off in search of said punch.

She'd barely even cleared the door before both Xander and Cordelia were reaching for the food tray.

I slapped Xander's hand away, and was reaching for Cordelia when Buffy poked her head back in the library and glared at Cordelia.

"No." she ordered. Cordelia huffed and reluctantly returned the food to the tray, staring dismally at the stakes still to be made.

"Just think of all those vampires who won't be killing you." I told her, "Just because of a few minutes of your time."

She humphed, but went back to shaving off the stakes like she'd forgotten her fingers were supposed to be cramped.

As I watched her, I couldn't help but wonder which of those stakes Buffy would be using on Spike, if she got the chance.

Like most of my thoughts as of late, it wasn't a pleasant one.