Chapter 13: The Grammatical Shit Hits the Spell Check Fan
AN: raven fangz 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of gerard but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! PREPZ STOP FLAMIGNG! (Ah, it's good to be back! Yes, Gerard Way is a lot like a bomb, as in I hope he eradicates any trace of you from existence. Also, prep. Sin Count: 138,551.)
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Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.
"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there. (First off, you insulted his name and, given his habit of headaches, is going to tell you to fuck right off. Second, why is he ejaculating? Sin Count: 138,553.)
"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily. (Told you.)
"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.
He laughed in an evil voice. (Why? Did he suddenly chop his beard down to a goatee? Sin Count 138,554.)
"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged.
"No." he said meanly. (Vivid descriptions from the musings of a four-year-old. Sin Count: 138,555.) "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. (So, he has just a bit of a headache so his cursing is under control? Seems legit. Any principal will tell you, if they don't like a student that much, they'll totally give up on them, even if they are about to die. Sin Count: 138,557.) "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!) (You already said that. Tara shows her hypocrisy again, you hate bisexual/gay men having sex with your Whore of Babylon Sue, but watching them cry gets you blackhole wet? 5 Sins for on-again-off-again homophobia. Sin Count: 138,563.)
"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. (I'd cry too if I was stuck with a mentally ill, indecisive cunt. Also, blood tears. Sin Count: 138,567.)
Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed. (When did Jimmy Neutron make a cameo? Is his fudge-head now a slicked-down, neon green mohawk? Sin Count: 138,568.)
"What?" I asked him.
"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then… suddenly we were in Voldemprt's lair! (Hold that fucking phone, my mistress is in labor, what the actual fuck?! Why did you wait until now to do this? What is your plan to battle the most powerful wizard in such a hasty manner? Finally, unneeded...ellipsis. Sin Count: 138,586.)
We ran in with our wands out just as we heard a croon voice say. "Allah Kedavra!" It was….. Voldemort! (Voldemort is now a suicide bomber, great. Plus, according to right click synonyms, croon means sing. Now, Voldemort is a Al-Qaeda member with a voice of an angel. Finally, a VERY flamboyant ellipsis, that's worth quadruple the sins. Sin Count: 138,652.)
Chapter 14: #2Spooky4Me
AN: fuk off PREPZ ok! (Preps and the comeback ability of a paraplegic without a wheelchair in a boxing match with a gorilla. Sin Count: 146,844.) Raven fangz 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da hospital kuz I slit muh rists. (Normally I'd be angry at such a retarded statement, but I'm more upset she survived. 10 Sins for making me question the existence of God. Sin Count: 146,844) PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws! (God has only reviewed this because he is the greatest at troll reviews. I mean, did you see what he's doing with Christianity now adays? Sin Count: 146,845.)
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WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD. (Oh, my mommy said I can't watch scary thing with horrible grammar. Seriously, Kim Kardashian's photoshopped ass can form a more coherent sentence. Sin Count: 146,846.)
We ran to where Volcemort was. It turned out that Voldemort wasn't there. Instead the fat guy who killed Cedric was. (Wait, the fuck? You see him, run to a different location where you think he is, and find some fat dude who's had nothing to do with the "plot" until now? Sin Count: 146,847.) Draco was there crying tears of blood. Snaketail was torturing him. Vampire and I ran in front of Snaketail. (Tears of blood. Plus, how do you get between a torturer and their bitch so easily? Sin Count: 146,856.)
"Rid my sight you despicable preps!" (Preps. Sin Count: 146,864.) he shouted as we started shooting him with the gun he (He what? This has more unfinished sentences than Muhammad Ali forgets to take his medicine. Also, where the fuck did you get a gun? Is this set in America, because it's way too easy to get a gun and nonsensical in how it appears. Sin Count: 146,866.) Then suddenly he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. "EbonyIloveyouwiluhavesexwithme." he said. (in dis he is sixteen yrs old so hes not a pedofile ok) (Okay, so you've changed the canon on a whim to suit your ego of sexuality (because I'm guessing, in real life, your as appealing as dumpster filled with tuna and mayonnaise on a hot summer day in a parking lot), formed a run-on word, have him be able to survive gun wounds (a trick they could use in our schools, nowadays), and falls in love out of nowhere. 20 Sins for such horrid displays of storyline...and 20 sins for my last joke. Sint Count: 146,886. DAM's Sin Count: 10,000,000,000,000,020.)
"Huh?" I asked. "Enoby I love you will you have sex with me?" asked Snaketail. (This love scene brought to you in-part by Dragovich: If it's underage rape, it's Dragovich. Sin Count: 146,887.) I started laughing crudely. "What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard." I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain. (Nice one-liner, bf really tied the dumbassery together. Then, she proceeded to pleasure herself in his blood since she has a blood fetish and isn't a vampire, just a mentally ill bitch. Also, what did you stab him with and where did you get it? Sin Count: 146,890.)
"Nooooooooooooo!" he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly. (Based on my Deadliest Warrior knowledge (and the health knowledge of a fucking 3-year-old), this is an instant kill, he shouldn't be alive for any of this. Why are you crying, you shot killed a man who tortured your boyfriend. Sin Count: 146,892.)
"Snaketail what art thou doing?" called Voldemort. Then… he started coming! (Well, for starters, no nose, he's dead. Second, why is everyone ejaculating everywhere? Sin Count: 146,894.) We could hear his high heels clacking to us. (Voldemort is now the first noseless, transvestite prostitute since a Vietnamese prostitute during the 60's and 70's. Sin Count: 146,895.) So we got on our broomsticks and we flew to Hogwarts. We went to my room. Vampire went away. There I started crying. (When did you get your broomsticks? Where is Draco, did you forget him? Why are you crying on and off like an Alzheimer's patient who keeps remembering their disorder? Sin Count: 146,898.)
"What's wrong honey?" asked Draco taking off his clothes so we could screw. (Where the fuck did you come from?) He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything. (Awful pun and terrible sex anatomy rolled into one ball of corny shit. Sin Count: 146,900.)
"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here except for B'loody Mary, because she's not ugly or anything." (Ahahahahaha, oh, you're serious, here, let me laugh even harder. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Preps. Sin Count: 163,286.)
"Why would you wanna be ugly? I don't like the preps anyway. They are such fucking sluts." answered Draco. (Please...stop...the irony is tearing my sides apart. Not once has a preppy girl even been remotely as slutty as Ebony. Preps again. Sin Count: 196,055.)
" HYPERLINK " wiki/Mary_Sue"Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he's in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn't Satan have made me less beautiful?" I shouted angrily. HYPERLINK " wiki/Mary_Sue"(an" don't wory enoby isn't a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) HYPERLINK " wiki/Mary_Sue" "Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!" I shouted and then I ran away. (OH GOD, I'M DYING FROM THE HILARITY! If Satan made you any less beautiful, Jewel's teeth would've had to settle for second as ugliest person on the planet. I know enoby isn't a snob, she's a conceded twat who thinks that people's attempts at telling her how beautiful she is is an even greater set up for that prank where they dumped pig's blood on that weird chick what's her name? Bruce Jenner. They've video taped a beached whale nude, convinced a bitch she's attractive, and are drugged out of there minds when forced to have sex with you in order to keep the prank going. The only curse here is that you keep typing. Five Sins for being oblivious to an obvious prank. Sin Count: 196,060.)
Chapter 15: #TextTalk2Sexa4Me
AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona slit muh ristsz! fangz 2 raven 4 hlpein! (In other words, she has no hands. Sin Count: 196,061.)
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"Ebony Ebony!" shouted Draco sadly. "No, please, come back!"
But I was too mad. (Why, what'd he do? My guess, she's on her period and she won't drink it since she saw that video on YouTube. Sin Count: 196,062.)
"Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Vampire!" I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my blood-red key. (WHAT WARRANTED THIS? Sin Count: 196,063.) It had a picture of Marylin Manson on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Draco and Vampire. (So much for listening to The Beautiful People, thanks for ruining that, Tara. Also, band merch. 196,128.) I started to cry and weep. I took a razor and started to slit my wrists. I drank the blood all depressed. Then I looked at my black GC watch and noticed it was time to go to Biology class. (The self-harm begins again. 10 sins there. Band merch too. Sin Count: 196,266.)
I put on a short ripped black gothic dress that said Anarchy on the front in blood red letters and was all ripped and a spiky belt. Under that I put on ripped black fishnets and boots that said Joel all over them with blood red letters. I put my ebony black hair out. (I haven't seen a fishnet catastrophe like this since the actress from Precious was accidentally harpooned. Sin Count: 196,267.) Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced Biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar. Suddenly the guitar turned to Draco! (How? You are in biology, despite "crippling" "depression", but you can somehow turn a pentagram, which is for some reason in a class that contradicts religion, into a guitar and then into Draco? 20 Sins for nonsensical plot. Sin Count: 196,287.)
"Enoby I love you!" he shouted sadly. "I dnot care what those fucker preps and posers fink. Ur da most beautiful girl in the world. (They are really dedicated to this prank. Plus, preps. Sin Count: 261,823.) Before I met you I used to want to commit suicide all the time. (You're a vampire, that's impossible unless you have a ribeye, remember? Sin Count: 261,824.) Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!." Then…. he started to sing "Da Chronicles of Life and Death" (we considered it our song now cuz we fell in love when Joel was singing it) right in front of the entire class! (Let's see, unneeded ellipsis, flaboyant and worth four times the sin, shitty song, and a worse legitimacy to it than Kimye's marriage. Sin Count: 262,082.) His singing voice was so amazing and gothic and sexxy like a cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson (AN: don't u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!) . (I only know about three of them and only one is a good artist, in my opinion. Plus, gothic and, while I may be wrong in usage, you said cross. Fuck math right now. Sin Count: 393,157.)
"OMFG." I said after he was finished. Some fucking preps stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Draco's now) at them. (Speaking in text is as intelligent as she gets, folks. Preps, unable to word flipping the bird in any other way, nail polish so cheap MC Hammer could afford it, and somehow the polish is wrapped around Draco's...I don't know, nothing made sense in the parenthesis. Sin Count: 524,233.) "I love you!" I said and then we started to kiss just like Hilary Duff (i fukin h8 dat bitch) and CMM in a Cinderella Story. (You hate her yet you know her work? I smell something fishy, and for once it isn't Tara's rancid snatch. Not a sin, but what the fuck is a CMM? Sin Count: 524,234.) Then we went away holding hands. Loopin shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. (What stick got jammed up Loopin's ass, other than Snap's? Plus, everyone thought you were fucking odd a second ago, now they've accepted you like a liberal family whose son just came out of the closet. Sin Count: 524,236.) Then I saw a poster saying that MCR would have a concert in Hogsmede right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether. (Why are these people constantly coming to a very secret location? It makes as much sense as the US government inviting Mexicans to the country to do hard jobs since Americans are fucking lazy...oh, wait...Sin Count: 524,237.)
Chapter 16: Japan Requested a 3rd Bombing for Forgiveness
AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz! (Unfortunately, I have good grades, love life, and am enrolled in a well-received college, I am a prep. Also, prep: Sin Count: 786,381.) raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! (No, you fat cunt, she's supposed to spell check this grammatical miscarriage. You, my mentally impaired foe, are tasked with creating you story. Sin Count: 786,381.) Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese! (Keep an eye out for shitty Japan talk and worse grammar, it get's hard as constipated shit to read.)
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We ran happily to Hogsmede. There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. MCR were there playing 'Helena'. I was so fucking happy! Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. (You're okay with him being aroused towards men, but you find out he had a long over fling with another man and you lose your mind? Sin Count: 786,382.) I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets. (Those boots are the closest MCR will ever get to a platinum anything. Sin Count: 786,383.) Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants. (Band merch. Sin Count: 786,639.) Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched. (That escalated. Also, it's impossible to do this while you're crushed by a bunch of disgruntled basement dwellers. Sin Count: 786,640.) We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. (You should have been tackled on the spot for getting on stage. Sin Count: 786,641.) Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn't them at all. (No shit, Sherlock. Sin Count: 786,642.) It was.,….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers! (Flamboyant ellipsis. Plus a sin because mentioning the unmentionable number summons the slut hound who shall not be named. Sin Count: 787,667.)
"Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!" I shouted angrily. "Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them" (What the...how...who...where..why...I can't even! How did they get away and what's going on!? 25 Sins for confusing bullshit. Sin Count: 787,692.)
"What cause we…you know…" he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don't like to talk a bout you-know-what. (No, I don't follow, please deliberate on how you escaped and how that somehow affected your ability to form a sentence. Plus, Go-Go Gadget Awkward Boner for Being Shouted at. Sin Count: 787,694.)
"Yeah cause we you know!" I yielded in an angry voice. (No, I don't. Sin Count: 787,695.)
"We won't do that again." Draco promised. "This time, we're going with an ESCORT." (That's unnecessary, you're already dating a titanic whore. Sin Count: 787,696.)
"OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?" I asked. "So I guess ur a prep or a Christina or what now?" (He got a sex change in order to avoid your sexual advances on a man who clearly became gay upon seing the Stay Puffy Woman get naked, all in the middle of a sentence! Since when is getting a hooker mainstream...oh yeah, GTA...But, you said prep! Sin Count: 1,311,985. YAY, our first millionaire Sin Club Member, let's play a song about heaven, angels, how good life is, and happiness just to piss Tara off. If you need me, I'll be listening to Stairway and She Talks to Angels to Cleanse My Pallet. Be back in 15.)
"NO." he muttered loudly.
"R u becoming a prep or what?" I shootd angrily. (Sin Count: 2,360,561.)
"Enoby! I'm not! Pls come with me!" He fell down to his knees and started singing 'Da world is black' by GC to me. (From recent American "justice" decisions and ebola, he might want to start singing Manson's "It's a Big, White World." *Racially driven hatemail intensifies* Sin Count: 2,360,562.)
I was flattened cause that's not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me! (The weight of her own body finally crushed her, now we only have to wait for our second moon, aka Mama June, to collapse under her own weight. Sin Count: 2,360,563.)
"OK then I guess I will have to." I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room. (Another concert? What could possibly go wrong, besides an unexplained escape and gaping plothole? Sin Count: 2,360,564.)
B'loody Mary was standing there. "Hajimemashite gurl." she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz 'how do u do' in japanese). (But you can barely speak English, funny how that works out. I'm also pretty sure "gurl" isn't Japanese, just poor English skills. Plus, Japanese. Sin Count: 2,360,568.) "BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!) (I would give a sin for this and what's coming, but I tore a huge one in a similarly bad author in my GTA story, so I approve this and relinquish a sin. Sin Count: 2,360,567.)
"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily.
Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. "Maybe Willow will die too." I said. (Nothing says gothic like a love story with a slight twist that barely classifies as "edgy". Sin Count: 2,360,568.)
"Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. "Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he's a necphilak." (Energetic and lethargic are antonyms, this makes no sense. B'loody Mary is now a horse, Loopin has neck fetish, and you can apparently get away with half-assed, poorly written, last minute murder. Finally, bad Japanese, it means "cute". Sin Count: 2,360,576.)
"Kawai." I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie. (How do you talk silently? Sign language? Knowing Tara, she'll mis-sign five words in a row and turn one into a cuss word. Plus, Japanese for "cute". Sin Count: 2,360,585.)
"OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr." I sed. " I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA." (My suggestion, molten lava, he'll drop dead after you do. Sin Count: 2,360,586.)
B'Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. "Omfg totally lets go shopping." (FuCK YEah, bROKEn CapitAlIZatiON! Have fun trying to read that. Sin Count: 2,360,587.)
"In Hot Topic, right?" I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde. (Nothing says anti-prep like Hot Topic. Hot Topic: For whiny bitches who don't get everything they want from their rich asshole parents. Did you say...Hot Topic Loyalty Card...Hot...TOPIC...LOYALTY...CARD...I'll show you loyalty when I jam my foot so far up your fucking a...)
*Technical Issues: Please Stand By*
(I'm sorry, I just lose it at the mention of...that phrase. 30 Sins for making me have to go back to therapy. Sin Count: 2,360,617.)
"No." My head snaped up.
'WHAT?" my head spuin. I could not believe it. "B'Loody Mary are u a PREP?" (She wants to shop at a place that isn't for people too pussy to delve deep into actual gothic lifestyle, but that makes her a prep... Also, prep. Sin Count: 4,457,770.)
"NOOOO!NOOOO!" She laughed. "I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that's all." (Since when is being called a prep worse than calling a gay black woman a C-wording, N-word, F-Word. Also, why is this shit in Hogwarts, no one want this. Sin Count: 4,457,772.)
"Hu told u abut them" I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don't even SAY that nam to me!). Or me. (What? None of this sentence was coherent, not a word or even the context was remotely followable. 20 Sins. Sin Count: 4,457,792.)
"Dumblydore." She sed. "Let me just call our broms." (When was he relevent to this? I'm so lost after that last abortion of a sentence. Sin Count: 4,457,793.)
"OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?" I asked quietly. (Yes, are you deaf? Do you want to start using sign language? Never mind, you're better off without any means of communication. Sin Count: 4,457,794.)
"Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk." She told me. "Come on let's go." (So he unintentionally told you, I now understand, but turning an incorrubtible hero into a swearing, Goth-wannabe is worthy of sin. Sin Count: 4,457,795.)
We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few dresses. "We only have these for da real goffs." (Isn't your shopping spree only for the concert? Why does the cashier have Tara's level of low-functioning Autism? Also, goff. Sin Count: 4,719,941.)
"Da real goffs?" Me and B'Loody Mary asked.
"Yah u wouldn't believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch." He shook his head. "I dint even no they had a camera." (How does this guy, who has been nonexistant until now, even know if they own a camera? Why does it matter if they have a camera pouch, it could be holding spaghetti for all the fucks I don't give. Plus, GOFFIC! Sin Count: 5,244,231.)
"OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!" I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit. (What, did this guy just follow you to the dressing room? He's a pedophile amongst anyone here. Why are you sad, you have no problem flaunting your whorishness in the middle of class time and again. Another thing, why aren't you ever in class? Finally, my catty remark about her clothing, (other than the fact she say's it's long and short-cut in the same sentence) the last time I saw a dress described to be this slutty, my grandmother was wearing it at her funeral. Sin Count: 5,244,235.)
"Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit" The salesperson said. (Oh my Flying Spaghetti Monster, how is she still in the store or within ear shot of you if she ran away? Sin Count: 5,244,236.)
"Yeah it looks totlly hot." said B'Loody Mary. (The fuck does this sequence have to do with anything...next thing you know she'll forget all about her role in an act of voyeurism.)
"You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?" he asked. (For fuck's sake... Sin Count: 5,244,237.)
"Yeah I am actually." I looked back at him. "Hey BTW my name's ebondy dark'ness dementia TARA way what's yours?" (Fucking called it! Sin Count: 5,244,238.)
"Tom Rid." He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. "maybe I'll see you there tonight." (*Cough* Douchebag *Unconvincing cough* Sin Count: 5,244,239.)
"Yeah I don't think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!" I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. "OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!" (What castle? Why did I know this guy would be "attracted" to this cum dumpster? How many more questions am I going to ask? Tune in next time, kids, but for now: Sin Count: 5,244,241.)