"You need to eat something, Margery."

Giles' voice brought me out of my haze. I blinked slowly, as though I'd just woken up, and looked down at the table. I still had my hand on the book I was reading, keeping my place, but I hadn't read anything in an hour since I sat down.

My eyes traveled just past the book to the mug I had poured half a blood-pack in and had since had to re-warm in the microwave twice. It was cold again, and had more or less congealed into a literal blood pudding, which didn't seem at all appetizing at the moment.

"Sorry, Giles." I said, closing my book with a sigh and picking up the mug.

"I'm not much company right now, am I?" I smiled sadly at him, "My apologies for making you worry, dear."

"No need to apologize," Giles answered, "but I am worried." He frowned at me from the doorway to the kitchen, nursing his own mug of tea.

"With all the commotion I haven't really taken the time to talk things over with you," Giles continued, "how this must be affecting you, or anything like that. I keep forgetting this fellow was your friend, and…I wish I could say I know how you feel, but, I don't suppose I do, really."

I set the mug back down on the table and ran a finger around the lip, slowly.

"Would you like to talk about it?" Giles asked gently, coming out of the doorway, "It might help."

I shrugged helplessly and ran a hand over my face.

"I do," I answered, "and I don't."

He walked softly over to me, put his mug down next to mine, then gently grabbed my upper arm and tugged me in the direction of the sofa.

"Come and sit down," he said, "we'll talk about it."

I obeyed, letting him guide me while I tried to collect my thoughts on just what I could say about the matter.

Giles, bless him, let me take my time. He just sat there, facing me but looking down at his lap until I was ready to talk.

"It's very hard." I said finally, focusing on a spot on the wall so I wouldn't get over emotional. "It feels as though I've found my best friend, the best friend I thought was dead for so many years, the best friend I thought I'd hurt dreadfully, the one who did so much to help me and didn't ever realize it. It feels like I've been given a gift, to have him back, to see him again after all these years, but-" I hesitated, my voice catching. I swallowed, cleared my throat, tightened my hands into fists, and tried again.

"But it's not a gift after all." I said, "Turns out I'm being given a punishment. He's my best friend, but he's not. He's been twisted, made the polar opposite of the boy I knew, and even loved. It's a mockery of the memory I have of him, and all the humanity in him that made me adore him so is now gone and replaced by a bloody demon." I spat the last two words and took a shuddery breath to calm myself.

"So I've been given my best friend back, but now it seems fate has decided we must be friends no longer, but rivals. And if I'm meant to kill him…" I trailed off and shook my head, the scenarios flashing through my head almost too painful to bear.

"I don't know if I'll be able to. I'm too attached to that memory, even though I've tried to put it away. I can't stop remembering that innocent creature I knew, even though what's before me now is anything but innocent."

I looked at Giles, then. His gaze was soft, non-judging, but I could tell he didn't know what to say to me.

"I wish I could tell you everything will be all right." He said after a pause, "But…that hardly every seems to happen in our case, does it?" he chuckled half-heartedly. I tried to smile in return but…it didn't get very far, I'm afraid.

Giles' blushed a little, then shifted a bit closer, and put a hand on top of my head.

"I have the feeling that you're blaming yourself for Spike." He said. "That you're responsible for what he's become. Are you thinking that?"

With his hand on my head, it was rather impossible to look away, so I nodded.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I was supposed to protect him." I answered, "I-I told him I would. That I'd always be there for him if he needed me. He didn't have many friends, and saying that-"I stopped, shaking my head, "You should have seen his face light up, Rupert. He was like a child at Christmas, he was so happy to just hear someone he liked say that."

I sighed.

"And then I left him. I left him and now I'm being punished for lying to him."

"You had no way of knowing what would happen." Giles said gently.

"No," I conceded, "but I should have been there for anything that might have happened. I told him I would be. And I wasn't."

I could feel my chest constricting with emotion and I stood up.

"I need to get some air." I told him, "I'll be back shortly."

"But it's nearly midnight!" Giles protested.

"That's the perfect prowling time for monsters like me." I answered with a half-hearted smirk. "I'll be back before you know it."

"Well, be careful, Margery." He said weakly. I nodded, but was already heading out the front door by the time he'd said my name.

Walking really didn't help as much as I thought it would.

My mind was already in so much turmoil that being barraged with the plethora of scents, sounds, and feeling that always accompanied the nightlife was a bit too much for me to handle. I'd already walked farther than I meant to.

I stopped and looked around. I didn't recognized the street I was on. I'd somehow managed to navigate my way to the slightly seedier side of Sunnydale. I'd just been taking turns at random, not really paying attention, just altering course when it suited my fancy.

Now I realized my fancy was in a slightly dark mood, apparently.

I sighed, rubbing my forehead tiredly.

Perhaps I really was more tired than I thought.

I had turned around and just started up the street when I…well, I can't say I heard or smelled it as much as I just felt it. That familiar feeling of fear, excitement, hunger…the thrill of the hunt, in short. There was a vampire and his prey nearby, I could feel it.

I mentally ran through the weapons on my person: stake, holy water, and a cross, which I didn't like to use. I should have had more but I had left in a bit of a hurry, after all.

I moved towards the strongest point of the feeling. It wasn't terribly far away, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to feel it. Of course, it took me to a dark alley, the place where only wonderful things ever happen.

Two figures stood in the dark. One was smaller, slim, pressed against a wall, while a taller figure in a long black coat stood over her, one hand on her waist, one hand moving up to her neck. He was kissing her, and kissing her rather well, if one could go by the erratic, excited beating of her heart.

It wasn't hard to place that coat, especially with the scent of vampire heavy in the air.

"Enough, William." I said. Both Spike and the girl jumped while I slid my hands into my pockets.

I had no idea what I was going to do, but I wasn't going to let him kill that girl.

"And just what are you doing here, love?" Spike asked, growling softly.

"Hey, Spike," she girl whined, "I wasn't finished yet."

"Back. Off." He growled at her, practically barking, actually. The girl winced, recoiled, then gave an indignant huff and marched back the way she had come, little knowing just how lucky she had been.

"What do you want, Maggie?" Spike demanded, planting his feet slightly wider apart. The fact that he hadn't immediately started threatening me or trying to kill me was a slightly good sign, I thought.

"Just wanted to see that girl leave alive." I answered, "Making up for backing down from the Slayer's mother?"

Spike gave a grunt that sounded a bit like a laugh, and ran his hand over his bleached hair.

"Oh," he said sarcastically, "that," he sighed and shrugged, "well, what was I supposed to do? I may be a prick but I'm not the monster that'd kill a mum for protecting her kid. Besides, she had an ax."

"You're not?" I asked.

"Hard to believe, right?" he laughed. There was a pause, and we just stood there, watching each other. I should have felt nervous, fearful, maybe even sad. Instead I just felt…tired.

"Strange," I said after a pause, "because I am."

That got his attention.

"What?" he asked.

"I'm the kind of monster that would kill a mother for protecting her child." I said, painfully slowly. That memory was once I'd been trying to live down for centuries.

"What are you talking about?"

"I haven't always been this…tame, dear." I answered, sneering. I don't know what I was doing, trying to hurt him? He had destroyed my vision of him so now I returned the favor? I don't know. I just knew that I wanted to hurt him somehow, and this seemed the best way.

"A couple of centuries ago, I decided I'd had enough with being so… helpless. Always fearing losing control, always worried of hurting people, when others who shared my power to a greater extent did whatever they wanted with seldom ever garnering repercussions." I said, pacing in the small space of the alley.

"I wanted to feel…in control. Which, looking back, is funny, since what I did was in fact lose it completely." I closed my eyes, a host of memories flooding me, stirring the Essence as it relived the pleasure of those times.

"I fed on whomever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and never thought twice about it." I continued, "It felt…wonderful. Nothing could touch me, not even vampires, since I could hunt in the daylight, whereas they could not. And it was so easy, William. All I had to do was just pick one out of the crowd, like a nice, fresh, juicy peach out of a basket, and they were mine."

I paused, struggling to get the Essence to calm down as I suddenly became hyper-aware of the beating hearts hidden behind brick walls and fragile windows.

"So what happened?" he asked, surprisingly softly.

"I became a horror." I answered, turning to stare at him without blinking, not once, "I spilled blood just for the sake of spilling it. It was my way of getting vengeance on all those who had feared me without cause. I gave them a cause. If I was not to be accepted unless I hid my true nature, then I would join ranks with the monsters everyone claimed me to be, and accept my role with relish.

"Then something happened. I had lived so long without a conscience I thought it would be impossible to ever get it back, and I didn't care. Then, one night, while stalking new prey, it happened.

"I was following a young woman, couldn't have been more than twenty-five or so. She was lovely. Long blonde hair, delicate hands, a soft step, and a kind smile. I hated her for that smile, because it was one that had never known sorrow, and it wasn't fair that such a creature with such a lovely countenance and such…perfection, should also be blessed with never having been hurt by anyone or anything. I had to change that."

I stopped pacing and clenched my hands into fists. I had never told anyone this. Not ever. Why on earth I was telling Spike I didn't know, but once I'd started it was like a waterfall, the words just kept coming without me even needing to think about them.

"So I followed her home, and just as she started to enter her garden, just when she felt safest, and when she gave that little sigh of relief, I pounced. She screamed and screamed, wild, terrified, and I reveled in it. I played with her before killing her. I slashed her arms, her chest, her neck, her face, trying to mar the beauty that had angered me so. And then the door to her house opened.

"I turned and sprang to my feet, assuming it was her husband, and more than ready to kill him as well. But what I saw was not her husband. It was a little girl, perhaps five years old? Same blonde hair as her mother, big blue eyes, filled with fear and horror. She was staring at me, and for the first time I realized that…I wasn't powerful. I wasn't some awesome being of power and rage.

"I was just another scary story, something that goes bump in the night. Something vile that causes pain for no reason, something part of a scary story. And I didn't feel powerful anymore, but I had let myself slip too far.

"The woman, she saw her daughter, and even though she was hurt badly, she did what any good mother would do: she tried to save her. She lunged for me, screaming for me to get away from her baby. Without thinking, I snapped her neck, let her body fall where it was, and I walked away without looking back.

"But I heard that little girl sobbing even after I'd walked two miles out of town."

I stopped and looked at Spike. He was staring at me with very round eyes. I'd surprised him, all right.

"That was the turning point." I said, "I stopped trying to be the big bad wolf. It wasn't worth it, and I've done everything I can since then to make up for what I did. The people I killed, the children I orphaned, the men and women I'd widowed, but it was always hard. It was hard to remember what it was like to be human after living for so long as a monster."

I walked closer to him, slowly.

"You saved me." I told him, "When I met you, you became my anchor. You reminded me what humans were like. How simple and how complex they were, how fragile and how strong. You were my anchor, William. And I loved you for it."

I realized I was crying, and I didn't care, this would be my last chance to say this to him.

"I loved you." I said, "I came back for you, and you were gone. You saved me, and I couldn't save you, and now that I realize just how much I failed, it's killing me."

"Maggie-" Spike began, but I cut him off.

"I don't want to kill you," I told him, "I really don't. I want to believe you're still William, even though I know you're not. I couldn't save you, but I can make one more promise." I sniffed and took a deep breath.

"I won't fight you, as long as you don't give me a reason to. You leave me alone, I leave you alone. But if you attack my friends, or threaten them, I will respond in kind. I can promise no more than that. I wish I could, but…you're not my William anymore. This promise is to him, not to you, Spike."

Spike just stared.

"You know I'll be coming back for them." He said, but he didn't sound threatening. He actually sounded…a bit sad. Which was surprising to say the least.

"I know." I answered, "And I'll protect my children. If there's a way to not kill you and protect them at the same time, I'll do it. But that's it."

He nodded, slowly.

"Deal." He said, offering a hand.

I hesitated, then grasped it, and we shook hands.

We both knew the truce wouldn't last, but…maybe this was the first step in making up for my failure.

"Goodbye, Spike." I said, letting go so I could step back the way I had come.

"See ya around, Margery."