Hey everyone! Thank you so much for your support! Whether it be through reviewing or adding my story to your alerts or favorites...you guys ROCK! It's all amazing encouragement :) You are even MORE amazing because you guys have been so patient and have stuck with me so far. School is getting hectic, but I will try to update as often as I can. I love writing this!
Thank you to HattieKatt for letting me throw some ideas around with her. You guys help me so much with these chapters.
And lastly, if you have a chance, be sure to check out my other sisfic that has a bunch of one shots of Kate and the boys growing up. Then you can get to know her a little better :)
Don't forget to read and review! I love hearing your feedback...what you like/didn't like. It all helps me improve!
Well Dean had his bright idea that we needed to 'blend in' and thus had to beg for a job as carnies. So we made our way over to a large, colorful tent in search for this S. Cooper guy that was listed on the Help Wanted sign. As we went inside, there was an older, white haired guy throwing knives at a bullseye. I was not going to lie. This guy was good. I was immediately jealous.
"Excuse me, we're looking for a Mr. Cooper. Have you seen him around?" Dean asked.
"What is that, some kind of joke?" the old man said as he turned around and took off his sunglasses. Ok, jealousy was gone and pure awe was in. How was this blind guy hitting the target with such perfection? Oh my gosh. I needed HIM to be my new teacher.
"Oh..god. I'm, I'm sorry," Dean stumbled over his words. Wait, was this guy giving Dean a hard time over his poor choice of words? Ok, now it was official. I was adopting him as my new grandpa.
"You think I wouldn't give everything to see Mr. Cooper? Or a sunset, or anything at all?" the blind man said. I looked up at Sam who was already cracking up laughing just like me. They always talked about those priceless moments? This was being inaugurated as one of the best.
"Wanna give me a little help?" he said in a low voice to us. We both just shook our heads and continued laughing.
Just then a short man came into the room. Small guy? Midget man? Little people, big world? I really needed to look up some politically correct terms. Oh did I mention he was wearing a red cape? So cool. Anyway, he was holding something in his hand, like he was ready to fight. "Hey, man is there a problem?" he asked defensively.
Dean turned to look at him. "No, I don't…I..," he stumbled over his words again. "Nothing. It's just a little misunderstanding." Oh. My. Gosh. My day just got 934839 times better.
"LITTLE?! You son of a bitch!" the small…no. Tiny? No. The vertically challenged guy said.
Dean looked like he was about ready to flee with his tail between his legs; he was so scared. Of a midget. And a blind guy. This sounded like a punchline to a really bad joke. "No, no, no! I'm just…could somebody tell me where Mr. Cooper is? Please?"
Sam and I still couldn't hold back our laughter as the blind guy finally relented and told us we could find Mr. Cooper in a trailer not too far from here. We headed out of the tent, almost doubled over from laughing.
"Thanks for the help, ass holes," Dean said as he stormed off ahead of us. Sam and I just looked at each other and smiled. That was what he got for the whole Ash thing.
Dean rapped on the door and we were greeted by Mr. Cooper, who invited us inside. "You guys picked a hell of a time to join up. Take a seat," he said as he motioned towards the two seats in front of his desk. One was just your average chair. Normal. Standard run of the mill. But the other. Well it was pink and had a giant clown face growing out of the back of it. I think we all 3 noticed it at the same time, because we took off sprinting the 5 steps necessary to get to the ordinary chair.
Unfortunately Dean had been in front of me from the start, thus giving him an unfair advantage. Otherwise I would have crushed him. Anyway, Dean sat down and I then walked to the other side of the chair and stood beside him, leaving Sam staring at the clown chair, clearly pissed off.
"Well ladies first," Mr. Cooper said as he motioned for me to take a seat.
"Oh, that's okay. I got a…uh..bad knee," I replied. Smooth. The older guy just stared back at me, completely confused.
"Yeah, doc says she's gotta stand more," Dean replied without missing a beat. It was amazing how we could go from picking on one sibling to picking on another like it was nothing.
Mr. Cooper just nodded suspiciously as he went to sit in his own chair. "Well sit down boy. You're too tall to be looking up at." And he carried out the rest of our plan without even knowing it. Sam had his bitch face on as he slowly sat down on the very tip of the chair.
"So you three ever work the circuit before?" he asked.
"Yes sir, last year through Texas and Arkansas," Sam answered and Dean and I just nodded our heads in agreement.
"Doing what? Ride jockeys? Butcher? Clowns?" he asked. I couldn't help but notice as Sam fidgeted in his seat like a little kid.
"Yeah, just a little bit of everything, I guess," Sam replied.
"You guys have never worked a show before in your lives, have you?" he demanded. Well, he had us there. No bad lie got past him.
"Nope," I replied, making sure to pop the p. "But we could really use the work."
"You see that picture? That's my daddy," Mr. Cooper said as he pointed to a frame hanging on the wall. I was taken back by the striking resemblance they shared. "He was in the business too. Ran a freak show till they outlawed them. But you see, this place, it's a refuge for outcasts. Always has been. For folks that don't fit in nowhere else," he began. Um, he was pretty much describing our lives. Last time I checked we didn't exactly fit in anywhere. "But you three? You should go to school. Find ya each a pretty spouse. Have 2.5 kids. Live regular."
That's interesting because last time I checked regular wasn't even in the Winchester vocabulary, as much as we all had tried to fight it.
Dean was about to say something, but Sam cut him off. "Sir? We don't want to go to school. And we don't want regular. We want this." I just assumed he was saying that stuff to get us the job, but the serious look on his face told a different story.
After Mr. Cooper finally agreed to give us the jobs, we headed out of his trailer and on our way to the next stop—getting 'uniforms'.
"Well that was enlightening," I said as I caught up beside Sam. Him and his gigantic strides! Dean was already well ahead of us, reading to get this job going.
"What?" Sam sounded offended.
"You know…what you said back there about not wanting to go back to school. That was just you working the job, right?" I asked. Not sure what I expected, or preferred the answer to be.
"I don't know," he answered softly.
"Really? I guess I always figured once we hunted down that fugly demon, you were gonna take off again back to college," I replied honestly. As much as I never wanted to go through losing Sam all over again, I knew deep down being a lawyer was what he had always wanted and who was I to keep people from their dreams.
"I'm having second thoughts." I could hear the pure sincerity in his voice. We shared a quick glance and I raised my eyebrows in surprise at his answer. "Yeah, I think I am. Dad would have wanted me to stick with the job, you know?" he explained.
I wanted to respond. I wanted to tell him that he and I had never really been high up on the dad-obedience chain, so why start now, but that Dad had always been proud of him. I wanted to tell him to just do what he wanted. But I couldn't bring myself to form an actual sentence. Talking about Dad out loud wasn't something I was ready for.
"You guys coming?" Dean barked impatiently from the door of the next trailer, labeled 'employees'. Lucky for me, he had interrupted our conversation.
By 'uniforms' they meant we got to wear red "Cooper Carnival" jackets and by 'job' they meant we got to go around and pick up trash. However, I planned to keep this jacket. It had hidden pockets inside for easy EMF reader hiding and it was super comfy. We all split up and took different parts of the carnival to go over. As much as I liked my alone time away from my two annoying older brothers, I actually wanted to be around them. I wanted them there to pick on and poke fun at. They helped distract me from whatever inner turmoil was currently going on. I wasn't ready to deal with it, but it looked like I didn't have any other choice.
I glanced around at the people. There were kids running around laughing and smiling right and left. I looked straight ahead and saw 2 people standing beside the ticket booth, a man and a little blond, curly haired girl. Suddenly the guy picked up the little girl. She couldn't have been more than 5 years old. He flung her in the air and she squealed joyfully, "Daddy!" before he sat her up on his shoulders. "Let's go over there!" I overheard her say as she pointed ahead. I followed her gaze and saw she was pointing to the farris wheel not too far away.
"Sure thing, munchkin," the man replied as he reached up to grab ahold of both of her hands before he started heading in that direction.
And it was that one world. Munchkin. One word caused my entire body to be overwhelmed with emotion. That was what my dad had used to call me when I was a little girl. I remembered he had even used it once back at the hospital when he first saw me after the accident. Hot tears stung my eyes as everything came flooding back. I would never hear his voice again. He would never get to call me munchkin. Not even once more. Heck, I'd even settle for an angry and pissed off 'Katelyn Elizabeth' if it meant I got to hear his voice again. But I knew that would never happen.
I quickly brushed away the tear that had escaped and looked around for a place to collect myself. Spotting a booth nearby, I dashed over to it and ducked down behind. I tried to steady my breathing. Winchesters didn't cry. Much less during a case. I had to pull it together. But I was too afraid to go back out there again. I knew there would be more fathers and daughters and families everywhere, just taunting and reminding me of what I'd never have again. It wasn't like we had ever been the carnival-going-happy-go-lucky-family, but we were a family. But not anymore.
Suddenly I heard my phone go off, dragging me from my thoughts. I pulled it out and stared at the screen. I wiped the remaining tears from my eyes and took a deep breath before answering. "Yeah?"
"Where the hell you been? I've called like 3 times," Dean bellowed through the phone. Oh, you know, just having a mild melt down in the middle of the kiddie carnival. No big deal or anything. Besides, not like I ignored those calls on purpose. I just never heard them.
"Searching for EMF. What do you think I'm doing?" I said back in a low voice, trying my best to keep it steady.
"Well meet us at the car. I think we found the evil clown's next victim," Dean replied before hanging up.
"Yeah sure," I said aloud to no one in particular as I closed the phone, knowing he had already hung up.
We were now chilling outside of the family's house. Some called it staking out. Others stalking. I preferred mindfully observing. It sounded much better. I had my headphones on listening to some head banging music. I had no idea what the name of the band was, but it was in that list of music I played when I wanted to drown out my thoughts and the world around me. It was doing the trick too. After a few hours of observing the house, I laid down in the back seat of the crap minivan and closed my eyes, figuring my brothers had this one under control.
I was semi-peacefully sleeping when I felt a sudden shove from Sam. I looked down at my ipod and realized it had died already. Story of my life. "Guys, look," he said as he pointed to the house. I sat up and squinted really hard to see a little girl walking across the kitchen to the back door. That wasn't normal for 2am. I looked a little harder. She looked familiar for some reason. Oh my gosh. It was the little girl from earlier! Munchkin girl.
I instantly snatched my gun and followed Sam and Dean as we barged inside. I quickly went and grabbed on to the little girl, pulling her away from the creepy clown. I placed a protective hand over her head as I heard gun fire and the window shatter. I had to protect this poor girl.
"What's going on out here?" I heard a male voice. Seconds later the guy I had seen earlier carrying this little girl appeared in the doorway, followed by what I assumed to be his wife.
"Oh my god, what are you doing to my daughter!?" she screamed as she ran towards me. I gently let go of the girl and held my hands up, showing them I meant no harm. Then I hauled ass out of there right behind my brothers.
We successfully parked the van in a ditch in the middle of nowhere, thinking the family might have seen it. We grabbed our bags out of the soccer mom van as Dean stashed the plates.
"I hate this friggin thing," Dean said as he kicked the tire before we took off walking down the road. The brightside? We didn't have to keep a look out for cars hitting us. We were literally in no man's land.
"Well one things for sure. We aren't dealing with a spirit," Dean began as he looked over at the two of us before continuing. "I mean, that rock salt hit something solid."
"A person? Or maybe a creature that can make itself invisible?" I offered.
"Yeah, and dressed up as a clown for kicks? Talk about a whacked out sense of entertainment. You see anything in Dad's journal?" Dean asked. Sam shook his head no.
This little chit chat wasn't proving to be productive, so I pulled out my cell phone and started looking for a number. "Who are you calling?" Dean asked, obviously curious.
"Ash. I figure he might know something," I replied as I opened up my contacts.
"You have his number?" Dean demanded.
"Yeah, I am legal, you know," I said as I looked up at him and winked. He didn't have to know that I honestly didn't have Ash's number. I only had the Roadhouse one. And since Ash technically lived there it could be considered his 'house' phone, thus in a sense making it his phone. See, I was right after all. I felt Dean's eyes narrow as frustration built behind them.
"Hey, you think Dad and Ellen ever had a thing?" Sam piped up, getting Dean off of my case.
I tore my gaze from my phone to him. "No way." I did not like what he was insinuating one bit.
"Then why didn't he tell us about her?" Sam demanded. Dad always had his reasons, but I knew it wasn't that reason. Dad wasn't like that. He just...he just couldn't be.
"I don't know. I'm sure they had some sort of falling out," Dean said, keeping his gaze firmly ahead.
"You ever notice Dad had a falling out with just about everybody?" Sam explained, almost accusingly. Neither of us replied. I, for one, was not going to sit here (well, walk here) and talk badly about my father. "Well don't get all maudlin on me, man," Sam said directly to Dean.
"What do you mean?" Dean asked nonchalantly. It was like he was just trying to avoid the topic he knew Sam was getting at. But I meant it in a more literal sense. I did not understand in the slightest what Sam had just said.
"I mean this 'strong silent' thing of yours. It's all crap," Sam began. I could feel Dean roll his eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. "This isn't just anyone we're talking about. This is Dad. I know how you felt about the man. I mean you and Kate were a lot closer to him than I was. You spent way more time with him in the last 5 years."
"Sam, just let it go. We don't need to do this. Not here. Not now," I pleaded. When a Winchester wanted to talk about something, they would come out and do it, but forcing it was never a good idea.
"I don't care how either of you deal with this. But you have to deal with it. I'm your brother, all right? I just want to make sure you're both okay," he finished as he looked from me to Dean.
Dean completely stopped and turned to face Sam. "I'm okay! I swear you ask me one more time, I'm going to start throwing punches. These are your issues, quit dumping them on us! We are fine," Dean yelled as he motioned between himself and me. I had tried to warn Sam not to do this, but he was too stubborn to listen. At least we could yell as loudly as we wanted out here.
"What are you talking about?" Sam said, clearly confused by Dean's remark.
"I just think it's interesting how you have this sudden obedience to Dad. All you think about it 'oh, what would Dad want me to do?' Sam, you spent your entire life slugging it out with that man. And now that he's dead, you want to make it right? Well, I'm sorry. You can't. It's too little. Too late," Dean yelled. I could see the painful and regretful look in Sam's eyes. Dean's comments not only sliced through him, but I felt it too. Way over the line.
I couldn't take any more of this yelling and arguing. What happened to making fun of midget clowns and stuff? "Imma call Ash," I muttered to no one in particular as I walked away from those two. I couldn't stand to hear anymore.
Apparently my speed walking had gained me a lot of ground on my brothers. After I hung up with Ash, I sat down under a tree off the side of the road and waited for them to catch up.
"Rakshasa," I said as I stood back up and walked along beside them once again.
"I don't have time for your stupid code language again," Dean asked, clearly not amused. He was referring to the time Sam and I took up speaking to him in Pig Latin. Oh, those were the classics. He had been so mad because he couldn't do it like we could.
"No dumb ass. It's Ellen's best guess. It's a race of ancient Hindu creatures that appear in human form and feed on human flesh," I explained.
"Well you are what you eat, I guess," Dean replied smirking.
"Yeah, well they can also make themselves invisible and have to be invited into a home," I finished.
"Guess we got our creature then," Sam said as he kept his gaze down at the pavement in front of him. "How do we find out who it is?"
"Apparently they sleep on a bed of dead insects," I said as I cringed a little. Why did it have to be bugs!
"Perfect case for you two. Clowns and bugs. I vote Kate does the bed check," Dean joked as I met his smirky smile with a death glare. How dare he bring up such a thing! This was Sammy's case to suffer through. I already had my turn last year.
"Only not," I replied sternly. "So who you think it is?" I asked, hoping they would have the answer.
"Who do we know that has worked the Carnival before, back in '81 too?" Dean asked aloud.
"Cooper," Sam replied. I felt slightly saddened that it had to be him. I liked him. He made Sam sit in the pink clown chair!
"And how do we kill it?" Dean asked.
Good thing they had me around or they would be lost on this one. "Legend goes, a dagger made of pure brass."
"Well before we go hacking at Cooper, let's make sure it's him," Sam said. Leave it to him to want to double check.
"Details, details, Sammy! Fine. I'll round up the blade, and you two freaks go check for bedbugs in Cooper's room," Dean said. I opened my mouth to protest, but quickly decided against it. At least Sam was going to be with me, which meant that technically I wouldn't have to do anything since he was normally a gentleman, well, kinda. So it worked out in my favor, even though Dean thought he was getting back at me.
That night we made our way back to the Carnival to take care of business. Sam and I went to Cooper's trailer. I quickly picked the lock and we quietly went inside, making sure the coast was clear.
I hung back by the door as Sam made his way over to the bed. He turned around and noticed I wasn't following. "Really?" I just shrugged my shoulders at him as he rolled his eyes. I breathed a sigh of relief when he turned back around and started slicing open the mattress with his pocket knife. At least he wasn't going to make me touch those bugs. See? A gentleman and a scholar.
Just then the door flew open and in came Cooper holding a shotgun. Sam immediately got up and I slowly started walking backwards towards him, feeling protected once I knew we were close together now. We both held our hands up in the air, showing we weren't here to hurt him.
"What do you think you're doing?" Cooper demanded.
"We, uh, were just looking to see what kind of mattress you had. You know, it looks so comfortable and all," I spilled out. Sometimes I wasn't even sure where these ideas came from.
"Get the hell out of my trailer. And stay away from my Carnival!" he yelled as Sam and I hurriedly made our way out of the trailer and went in search of Dean. We finally spotted him stumbling out of another trailer, clearly having the same bad luck as we were.
"Hey! So, Cooper thinks we're freaks, but it's not him," I explained.
"Yeah, so I gathered. It's the blind guy. He's here somewhere," Dean said as he glanced around into the darkness, trying to find the invisible guy. Not an easy task as some might think.
"You got the brass blades?" Sam asked.
"No, Sam. It's just been one of those days," Dean answered sarcastically.
"I got an idea. Come on," Sam replied as he took off towards the fun house with Dean and I trailing behind him.
We weren't very far inside the fun house when all of a sudden a door came slamming down, separating Dean and I from Sam.
"Dean!" Sam yelled.
"Sam!" he yelled back.
"Kate!" I yelled. Dean just gave me a 'what the hell' look. What? I felt left out of the whole name yelling thing. I wanted to let everyone know where I was too.
"Stay close," Dean commanded as he grabbed on to my arm and started pulling me in the direction he was going. Finally we entered a different part of the maze that was a little wider. And there was Sam! He was tugging at one of the brass pipes that had steam coming out of them.
"Where is it?" I asked him as we all gathered closely.
"I don't know! I mean, shouldn't we see its clothes walking around?" Sam asked. His logic had a very valid point. Oh gosh. If we couldn't see his clothes wandering around…did that mean he had taken them off? I cringed at the thought. Gross, gross, gross! I inwardly hoped that he had on some magical clothes that just turned invisible with him. Just like Harry Potter's invisibility cloak.
All of a sudden a knife flew past me and slamed into the upper arm part of Dean's shirt, pinning him to the wall. Another one went by and pinned his other shirt wrist, not letting him move anymore.
"Guys!" Dean yelled, obviously freaking out. Being pinned to a wall by flying daggers would do that to anyone.
"Dean, where is it?" Sam asked as he was finally able to pull the pipe all the way off.
"I don't know!" he screamed back.
Just then I spotted a lever up in the corner of the ceiling. It had to be the steam lever. I stood on my tippy toes and tried to reach it, but failed. If only I were a giant like every other Winchester known to man! Two jumps later and I finally managed to pull the lever down and smoke came pouring out of the pipes, letting us see the outline of our invisible attacker.
"Sam, behind you!" I yelled. He instinctively threw the brass pipe behind him and realized it hit something. He turned around and twisted the pipe even further into the Clown Monster as his CLOTHES (hallelujah) fell to the ground and he vanished, leaving only a bloody pipe on top of his clothes on the floor.
"You did it," I said as I gave Sam a high five. He conquered his fear.
"A little help over here," Dean said as he unsuccessfully kept trying to pull his arms out to remove the knives. Sam and I shared a glance and without even saying a word, knew what the other was thinking. We made out way out of the funhouse, leaving Dean yelling a string of curse words at us.
"You think we should go back?" I asked Sam as we stood outside the entrance.
"I guess that's the nice thing to do," Sam said. "But let's give him another minute." A devious smile spread across his face. Oh, payback was a bitch, Dean. And I was happy to be a part of it.
Monster killed? Check. Dean de-knived? Unfortunately check. Back at the Roadhouse? Check.
We were sitting at the bar and Ellen sat down beers in front of my brothers and a freaking root beer for me. Root beer? I felt like I was 10 again.
"You guys did a hell of a job. Your dad would be proud," she said. I was still confused as to how she would know that about my father. She had failed to mention how she knew him, so how would she knew if he'd be proud or not! Something fishy was there and I wouldn't trust her until I knew the truth.
"Thanks," Sam responded as Jo came and sat down beside Dean. I saw her give Sam 'the stare'. You know, the one that told him to get lost because she wanted to be alone with my brother. Yeah, no thanks.
Apparently Sam picked up on her cue. "Oh yeah, um, I've gotta…uh, I've gotta go. Over there. Away from here. Right now," he stumbled out as he got up. I scooted up closer to the bar, attempting to make it clear I wasn't going to get up and took a long swig of my root beer, staring directly at Jo. I didn't cave as easy like Sam did. Didn't trust her mom and sure as hell didn't trust her.
Dean let out an obviously fake cough, hinting at me to leave. I didn't even flinch. "Come on," Sam commanded as he grabbed on to my arm and pulled me up out of my seat. Damn his abnormal strength! Well, not to be outdone, I jerked out of his grasp and took a step closer to Dean. I sat my root beer bottle down in front of him and without missing a beat, picked up his beer bottle and took a swig as I walked away with Sam, but not without throwing Jo one last glare. I'd say I won that time.
Once Sam and I were across the room, out of ear shoot of the love birds, I smacked him in the arm. "Dude! You're encouraging that?!" I said in a low voice as I nodded towards them.
"Seriously? He's not going to get anywhere with Ellen around. What's the big deal anyway?" Sam asked. Okay, he did have a point. I glanced over and saw them being watched carefully by her mom.
"I don't know. She's just not…just not his type," I said. I really had no reasoning behind my dislike for her other than the fact she was clearly seducing him and consistently wore child sized shirts.
All of a sudden the backdoor flung open and out came Ash. That was my cue to get my flirt on. I made my way over to him along with Sam. "Where you guys been? Been waitin' for ya," Ash said.
"Well I've been waiting to see you too," I said as I sat down on the bar stool beside where he was standing. Suddenly Dean appeared by my side. And my plan worked. Him at my side meant he wasn't at hers.
Ash opened his mouth to respond, but Dean cut him off. "You got something for us?" Ash laid down his laptop on the table; you could clearly tell it was homemade. This guy might actually be a genius.
"You find the demon?" Sam asked.
"It's nowhere around. At least nowhere I can find. But I can track the omens. If any of them appear, my rig'll go off like a fire alarm," Ash explained. That was good news for once. At least we now had someone who knew how to track that bastard.
"Ash, where did you learn all of this stuff?" I asked, genuinely curious.
"M.I.T.," he responded with a smug smile.
"M.I.T.?" Sam repeated, not able to believe it himself.
"Massachusetts Institute of Technology," I explained. Ash looked at me surprised.
"Señorita knows her stuff," he said staring at me a little too long. Dean immediately picked up on his lingering look.
"Well you'll call us if you know something?" Dean asked as he started making his way towards the door with Sam following behind him. Apparently our visit was abruptly coming to an end.
"Sí, sí, compadre," Ash answered before he picked up my beer and took a drink. He gave me a sly wink. I made sure to wink back before we all said our goodbyes and made our way outside.
We were back at Bobby's place now. Home Sweet Home, I guess. After we told Bobby about the case and everything, we each went our own way. Dean, obviously, went out to get back to work on the Impala. Sam disappeared who knew where and I just ended up in 'my room'.
I slid myself down along the wall and pulled my knees into my chest. I hadn't been able to get that picture of the little girl and her father out of my head. It kept replaying over and over. And then suddenly it would change to seeing my father die. Again and again. It was a never ending loop and I couldn't make it stop.
Suddenly I heard some shouting outside. I sat up slightly to look out the window. I saw Sam and Dean in each other's faces, arguing. I couldn't make out what they were saying, but I didn't need to. I knew it was about Dad. We had all been on edge about it lately. I heard their voices abruptly stop and I glanced back out to see Sam storming off. And hen I stared in shock as Dean picked up a crowbar and smashed in the window of a car. Then he began slamming the crowbar into the trunk of the Impala.
That was when I hit a breaking point. I turned back around and pulled my knees in to my chest as tightly as I could and buried my head down in them. I jumped with each crunch of the metal crumbling beneath his strength. The tears started to come down harder and harder. Everything I had been trying to hold in and shove away finally came to the surface. Sam had been right after all. We were far from okay.
I must not have heard Sam open the door because next thing I knew he was sitting down beside me and he wrapped his arm around me, pulling me into his side. I had never been one to bawl in front of my brothers, but I couldn't stop even if I had the strength to try. I buried my head in his chest as he soothingly combed his hands through my hair without even saying a word. I felt like my entire body was shaking and I couldn't control it.
"I'm sssso ssstupid," I sputtered out.
"Don't say that. You're not stupid, Katie. We're all hurting," Sam said calmly as he continued to run his hands through my hair. It was what he and Dean had used to do when I was younger and really sick. It was a comforting feeling.
"Yesss, I am," I began as I sat up so I was now facing him. I immediately noticed his tear stained face too. I took a few deep breaths, trying to steady my voice before I started talking again. "That lllittle girl we saved? I ssaw her at the carnival before. And hher dad called her mmunchkin," I said as my voice continued to hiccup with tears. I saw Sam's face fall as he recognized the meaning that word had for me.
Now I couldn't hold any of it back. I just wanted to get everything out in the open that had been running through my head. "Aaannd I'm ssoo stupid. You know wwhat it made me tthink about? How ttthat little girl had a fffather. And she is going to gggrow up one day and get mmmarried and he's going to be ttthere to walk her down the aisle." Sam gave me a deeply sympathetic look. I was sure he didn't expect this. I wasn't even expecting it to come out of my mouth, but the words just kept pouring out.
I continued, "I've never ttthought about a fucking wedding before. NEVER, Sam. But now iiits the ONLY thing I can ttthink about. That mmoment that is in aall the chick flick movies. The ttear in the dad's eye as hhe gives hher away cuz his little gggirl's all grown up. Dad'll never see me grow up, Sam. And all of this, it's jjjust another thing that I'll nnnever get to have with him. It's not fair. We ddon't deserve this. Gosh, I'm just sso sstupid for even ttthinking about this." I couldn't stop the tears that were now freely flowing down my face.
"Kate…," Sam said gently. I looked directly into his eyes and saw the tears brim over. I just shook my head, silently telling him there wasn't anything he could he say to take the pain away. He opened his arm back up, inviting me in again. I rested my head against his chest as he held on to me tightly, giving me a quick kiss on top of my head. And we just saw there, no one moving. No one saying a word. And it was in that moment when I realized that emptiness I felt in the pit of my stomach was not going to go away. No matter how much I ate or didn't eat. No matter how much I cried or didn't. It was still there. I knew I would have to find a way to deal with it. Only thing was, it was like a black hole…and it was slowly sucking away everything I had left in me.