Unfinished Business, Unresolved Feelings chapter 31
Lee was surprised by Amanda's very critical assessment of the state of her life and he simply couldn't believe that she thought she'd failed her sons. How could she think that she's failed those boys; if my mother had loved me like Amanda…Whoa, you're doing it again, stop thinking about yourself when Amanda needs you. Lee reached out and wiped away Amanda's lone tear with his thumb.
"Hey, you're talking crazy; you are the best mother that I know. What makes you think that you've failed the boys?"
"When I got to Joe's place to pick them up the boys weren't talking to each other; they kept exchanging hostile glances. I asked them to tell me exactly what happened before Joe left them there alone. Phillip started to tell me about how Joe explained to them that there was something at his office that he 'had to take care of' and he was sorry that he had to leave them alone. I've never seen Phillip so angry at his father's actions. He said that he couldn't believe that Joe was putting his job before them again. Jamie interrupted and called Phillip a fool for counting on Joe. I was so shocked; I had no idea that they felt so angry about how their father had treated them."
"They have every right to be angry at him. How did you think they felt about Joe", Lee asked.
"I knew they were very disappointed that he'd chosen to miss so much of their lives but I never realized how much anger they felt towards him. I made a point of never saying anything negative about Joe to the boys. I didn't want to be one of those women who put down their children's father to get even with their ex", Amanda explained and then she looked away from Lee briefly. "I took them to the game, they just sat there, and I don't think they even enjoyed it. On the way home I picked up Marvelous Marvin's for dinner. When we sat down at the table to eat neither one of them was talking and they were barely eating. I asked them why they hadn't told me how angry they were at their father and…and", Amanda stopped as tears started running down her face. Lee gathered Amanda into his arms and gently rubbed her back. He didn't know what to say to her but he was determined to offer comfort and wait for Amanda to feel up to continuing to explain what had happened with the boys. After a couple of minutes Amanda pulled back from Lee and wiped her eyes.
"I'm sorry; I know you hate emotional outbursts", Amanda said quietly.
"You have nothing to be sorry about; I want to be here for you whenever you need me. One of the things that you've taught me is that it's never good to keep everything bottled up inside. It just eats away at you."
"You actually were paying attention", Amanda said and offered Lee a small smile.
"Yeah; I can be a slow learner but I'm not hopeless", Lee replied and returned Amanda's smile with one of his own shy smiles. "Do you feel up to telling me the rest of what the boys told you that has you so upset?"
"Okay; when I asked them why they hadn't told me how they really feel about their dad they said that they didn't want to make me feel worse than I already did about the divorce. They were just little boys and they were trying to protect my feelings. How could I have not noticed what their feelings really are", Amanda asked guiltily.
"I think that you're being too hard on yourself. Phillip and Jamie may have just felt sad and rejected when they were younger; the anger towards Joe could have built over time. What we feel about our parents changes over time as we grow older and start to see our parents as people not simply as parents", Lee offered as he reflected on his own confused feelings. As troubled as Amanda was about her sons she still realized that Lee was speaking about himself as well as Phillip and Jamie. She silently reached out and took Lee's hand in hers; each offering comfort to the other. They both knew that they had a lot to work through yet they were both feeling more hopeful about the future than they had been before they started truly talking to each other again. Lee and Amanda didn't know what the future would bring but for the moment they were content to cuddle silently in the darkened living room. All the challenges they still faced would be waiting for them; they'd have to deal with them soon enough, of that they were both certain.