Unfinished Business, Unresolved Feelings chapter 32
Amanda sat up in bed and stretched after a largely sleepless night. Although she'd enjoyed the brief time that she'd spent with Lee the previous evening it hadn't ended the way that she hoped it would. Amanda appreciated Lee's genuine interest in her family and his willingness to comfort her when she'd been so upset when she arrived at his apartment. She had planned to talk to Lee about the recent changes in their relationship but as they'd cuddled on his sofa it became obvious that he was so tired that he could barely keep his eyes open. Lee was embarrassed; but they both agreed that he needed to get some sleep so Amanda went home.
Amanda got out of bed, walked to her closet, and stood looking at the neatly hung items that comprised her day to day wardrobe. As she looked at the clothing she was reminded of her conversation with Francine about the fact that women are unfairly judged by their wardrobe choices. What do my clothes say about me? Amanda continued to look at the very casual items, the business coordinates and the small collection of dressy evening wear all divided into sections of her closet. Most of the people I know only see me wearing one type of clothing, the other PTA moms never see me in an evening gown and Francine's disdain is clear when she sees me wearing my mom clothes. I feel like these outfits are nothing more than costumes for the various roles I play in life. I'd like to be able to just be me, Amanda, not the mother, the daughter, the dependable partner all at different times. Amanda grabbed a forest green angora sweater and a pair of well worn jeans and threw them onto her bed as she headed to take a shower.
Half an hour later Amanda walked into the kitchen where Phillip and Jamie were finishing their breakfast in silence.
"Morning, fellas", Amanda greeted them.
"Good morning, Mom", they responded with little enthusiasm.
"Where's your grandma", Amanda asked, surprised that her mother wasn't eating with the boys.
"Grandma is in the yard; she wants to get an early start on her new plan", Phillip replied.
"What new plan", Amanda asked curiously.
"Grandma told us that she made a new friend yesterday and they were talking about gardening", Jamie explained. "She said they were discussing different gardening styles from all over the world and now she wants to try some new ideas out in our yard."
"Her new friend is a man; do you think Captain Curt should be worried", Phillip asked while pushing his cereal around in the bowl without eating any.
"No, Phillip, Grandma's new friend is not a threat to Captain Curt", Amanda answered, surprised that was something that Phillip would be considering. I guess they aren't little anymore; I have to stop thinking of them that way. "What do you two have planned for today?"
"Dad called last night, after you went…out. He had the nerve to be annoyed that you didn't wait longer before you took us to the game. He said that he got back to his place in time to take us but we were already gone", Jamie answered.
"We told him that you had no way of knowing that and he shouldn't be blaming you for being there for us when he wasn't", Phillip continued angrily. "Dad wants us to do something with him today; he gave us two options."
"What did you choose", Amanda asked neutrally.
"Option three", Jamie stated proudly, "I told him I had something more important to do today."
"What about you Phillip", Amanda asked as she eyed her older son.
"I went along with Jamie but I'm…" Phillip trailed off.
"Did you want to spend the day with your dad", Amanda asked as she couldn't decide whether or not to try to influence his decision.
"I wanted to spend time with him but I hate that it's almost always on his terms. Is that wrong, Mom? You've always told us that he's a good dad but-", Phillip asked. Amanda could see Phillip making an effort to keep his feelings from showing on his face and it reminded her of someone else that she loved. She was not going to let Phillip think that he had to hide his feelings from her.
"Phillip, Jamie, I want you both to listen to me very carefully. I love you both very much and I want you to know that you can talk to me about whatever you're feeling. I'm sorry that I haven't been more honest with you about how I feel about your dad; I guess I thought that I was protecting you from being hurt any more then you already were by the divorce. He's a good man and he is well intentioned but he wasn't a very good husband or dad. I think he's trying to change and-"
"You want us to give him another chance; don't you", Phillip asked as Jamie looked on equally anxious to hear Amanda's reply.
"That isn't an easy question to answer. I want you to do what feels right to each of you; that might be two different things and that's okay. It may take some time for you to figure out what you really want to do. Listen to what your heart tells-
"Aww, Mom, that's a sappy answer", Phillip complained as he rolled his eyes.
"It may be sappy but it's the best advice I can give you. I could make a choice for the two of you but it might not be the choice that would ultimately be best for you. You have to be honest with yourselves about what you want and expect from your dad going forward. We can't change the past but we can have an impact on our futures if we're honest with ourselves and each other", Amanda concluded as she ruffled Phillip's hair.
"Is that what you plan to do from now on, Mom", Jamie asked with a knowing look in his eyes.
"Yes, Jamie, that's what I plan to do from now on. I'd like to tell you about a man that I met a few years ago", Amanda began.
"Is he the guy with the hot silver sports car", Phillip asked.
"The one that you talk to in the yard when you think no one is around", Jamie challenged.
"If you know about him why didn't you ever ask me about him", Amanda asked as she was trying to accept that a big part of her secret life wasn't as secret as she'd thought.
"We figured that since we don't tell you everything about our lives you shouldn't have to tell us everything about yours either", Phillip offered casually.
"We'd like to meet him sometime unless he'll always be too busy to spend time with us or if he's boring like Dean we could pass on meeting him", Jamie added with a smile. "He's Grandma's new friend; isn't he?"
"Yes, your grandma met Lee yesterday. Lee would like to spend time with you boys and he's definitely not boring like Dean", Amanda answered as she noticed her mother standing in the doorway listening. "Lee and I need to have one of those really honest conversations like we were talking about earlier. If things go well then I'd like it if we could all do something together soon. What do you think?"
"Go talk to him. Maybe someday he'll take me for a ride in his car", Phillip answered enthusiastically as Dotty walked into the kitchen.
"Go ahead, Amanda, I'll keep the boys busy here. The yard needs plenty of work", Dotty said with a wink at Amanda. "Oh, tell Lee the next time that he stops by he should use the front door."