A/N- I'm not sure what I think about this chapter, it got a little out of control in places, and it's kind of disjointed at times too. A lot of me is in Meredith in this chapter, particularly with the issues regarding the way her face looks now. It may be a little out of character but hopefully it works. I hate it when they're hurting and it makes it hard to write but I felt like I should get an update up this weekend because I have no idea if I'll manage to definitely get one up next week. I have a lot of work to do for uni and that has to come first. If nothing else, this chapter should help them move forward a little.
Disclaimer- Don't own it, no one would be stealing printers and interfering with research opportunities if I did!
It had been a week since Meredith was attacked, and after her brief psych consult and her conversation with the police and the legal team, she hadn't uttered a word to Derek about any of it. Not a single word about how she was feeling or what happened. That is except, on the evening of the attack, a full eight hours after he'd arrived at her bedside, informing him that her arm hurt a little. As it turns out it hurt rather a lot, she had a small fracture of her radius according to the x-ray he had demanded that she have despite her protests that she was fine and didn't want to bother anyone. Callie had opted to put it in a cast after viewing the films, and when the chief heard, he had informed her that she would not be scrubbing in until she was healed completely, and had had her injuries signed off on by both Callie and Sloan. She couldn't write well either with her left hand, leaving her only able to observe at work which was far from ideal, so she was off work until further notice much to her disgust. Derek remained by her bedside, making small talk and watching her sleep, as though she'd disappear if he didn't. The pain meds knocked her out and she didn't have her usual appetite. Derek wondered if this had as much to do with the drugs as the fact that he had to cut up her food for her as only having full use of her left hand made the task difficult. She was embarrassed he could tell, but she didn't say a thing, simply going through the motions in an eerie silence, occasionally asking for things or commenting on the television shows she spent the hours between rounds watching.
After two nights in the hospital, Derek was finally able to take her home where he could look after her himself. The chief had given him the best part of a week off from work, but he couldn't be without his head of neurosurgery for quite as long as he could live without a resident. He hovered, and he was aware that it was probably annoying for her, but she never asked him to stop so he decided to continue for as long as she'd let him.
It surprised both Meredith and Derek just how little Meredith was able to do without her injuries causing her pain, so Derek did everything he could to make her comfortable including holding her tightly when she began to scream in the middle of the night. Her memories infiltrating her dreams making it impossible to forget, impossible to move on. Even if she wouldn't talk to him, he could see how much it had terrified his unbelievably strong fiancée and that worried him even more than her physical injuries. It wasn't that he hadn't tried to get her to open up about how she was feeling so much as every time he did she informed him that she was 'fine' and that he should stop worrying. After a couple of days at home, Derek finally gave in and called Carolyn to ask her advice. He was hurting too, and he needed someone to offload his pain to. Carolyn was the only other person besides Meredith that he trusted to share his worries with so she was the only obvious choice. After scolding him for not calling her sooner, she jumped on a plane to Seattle ready to give both Meredith and Derek a little mothering. Derek had agreed to meet her at the airport and give her a ride home, promising to bring Meredith with him. He did just that, chattering about her arrival the whole way there, parking close to the entrance and getting out, moving to help Meredith with the door. He smiled brightly at her, but she refused to get out of the car.
"Meredith come on, her flight gets in any minute." Derek whined at her after she refused to even take her seatbelt off once they were parked.
"No Derek, I'm staying in the car." She informed him, not even making eye contact, folding her arms in protest at his request.
"My mother has come all this way to see that you're okay if I turn up without you she's gonna be worried."
"I didn't ask her to come Derek, you did. If you'd told her on the phone that I was fine like I asked you to then we could all be at home right now instead of having this argument. I'm not getting out."
"Why Meredith? Why come with me if you were just going to sit here in the dark on your own? I thought you were excited to see my mother, you got on so well last time."
"I never said I didn't want to see her, I said I didn't want to come into the airport." She was firm with him, using the voice reserved for her interns. Derek frowned a little confused by Meredith's unusual behaviour.
"Why not, what's wrong with the airport?"
"There's too many people. Too many people that…" She trailed off not wanting to finish her sentence embarrassed by the mere idea of it.
"Too many people that what?" Then it clicked. They had stopped at the store on the way home from the hospital and Meredith had left to sit in the car when she saw a woman point to her, whispering about her bruised face as they walked past her in the aisle, accusing Derek of beating her. He had to admit that hearing her question whether he was the reason for her bruising was awful, but she hadn't mentioned it since, leading him to believe she was as affected by it as she appeared to be right now. She used to laugh when she was whispered about at work, now she was afraid of even getting out of the car. "Meredith no one is going to look at you, or whisper about you, I promise."
"You don't know that Derek, you don't know that they're not going to be thinking that I'm the idiot who lets her fiancé beat her up and still stays with him, because that's what they'll think Derek. They'll think that you hit me and broke my arm. And they'll all stare. I'm not a goldfish Derek, I'm not an attraction at the county fair. I just want to stay in the car."
"Meredith…" He began but stopped when she sighed at him. "Please come, if anyone says anything I'll set them straight."
"Because telling them I let a patient attack me is so much better." She started playing with her hair, so he could tell she was nervous but decided to give it one last try to get her out of the car.
"Meredith please get out of the car, we're late." She looked Derek in the eye as she took off her seatbelt and got out of the car, he smiled at her, gesturing for her to go inside, only for her to open the rear door and get into the back seat. Derek sighed. "Meredith."
"Your mother can sit in the front." Was all she said fastening the seatbelt. Derek put his hands up in defeat as he shut the passenger door that he had been holding open.
"Fine, I won't be long. I love you. You know that right." Meredith nodded as she gazed out of the window at the night, trying desperately to keep her tears at bay until he walked away, sniffling slightly as he finally turned around to collect his mother.
After looking at the boards and seeing that his mother's flight got in a while ago, he headed to baggage claim spotting her retrieving her suitcase from the conveyor belt and reaching it to give her a hand.
"Derek!" She exclaimed as he took the handle from her, leaving her arms free to wrap around him. "It's so good to see you." She looked around for Meredith. "Where's my future daughter in law?"
Derek rubbed his eyes with his free hand. "Refusing to get out of the car because she's afraid people will look at her. I tried to convince her but she was having none of it." He looked at his mother dejectedly at a complete loss as to how he could cheer up the love of his life.
"Is it that bad sweetheart?" she asked a hand on his forearm making him stop walking and look at her.
"I think so," He replied telling his mother exactly how difficult it had been to get so much as a grunt out of Meredith over the last few days, and finally letting some of his pain out into the open with the only other woman that he had complete trust in.
Meredith felt awful, she hadn't meant to sound indignant, but she knew she looked awful, she brushed her teeth with the bathroom cabinet open so that she wouldn't have to look at her face in the mirror. She felt ugly and useless, hating that Derek had to do so much for her. Her friends were picking up the slack at work and tiptoeing around her at home, making mundane small talk, and avoiding the elephant in the room. She could tell by the looks on their faces that her face looked terrible, and had heard them telling Derek that people at work were already talking. Discussing her stupidity no doubt and voicing the opinion she had had all along, she simply wasn't good enough for Derek. He deserved better. She didn't want to be the centre of attention there anymore. She'd been too happy with that position since Derek slipped the ring onto her finger and karma had kicked her down for it. She hated the idea that Derek had to love her even though she was ugly now, because he'd made a commitment to her, and he was a good guy so he wasn't likely to back out of it now. She hated that he was the only one who could calm her as the events played over and over in her dreams, torturing her until she finally screamed out. That he was the only one who could make her feel safe. She felt helpless, as though everything was suddenly beyond her control. She had been independent for a long time, she was the one that took point and was in control. This was new for her. This was terrifying. And nothing anyone did seemed to make it any better. Derek was trying to make her feel better, to feel normal but no matter how hard she tried she couldn't accept that anyone could love the weak, hideous excuse for a human being that she had become, least of all the great Derek Shepherd.
It wasn't long until she spotted the two of them walking towards the car, Derek's body slumped slightly, the way it was when he was upset. She kicked herself, knowing that it was her fault that he was feeling that way. If she'd just waited until she wasn't alone with her patient then this whole situation could've been avoided. But she had to be a cowboy. She saw Derek walk around to the boot to put Carolyn's suitcase inside, while Carolyn walked round to the passenger side. They drove in near silence towards the house, Derek shooting her glances in the mirror as she listened to the occasional anecdotes about the goings on in New York. They finally pulled up to the house and Meredith waited until both Derek and his mother had gotten out hoping she could slip into the house after them and stow herself away in their room, avoiding confrontation with Carolyn, who was probably thinking that she was an awful person for making Derek worry so much. She watched as Derek took the suitcase from the boot heading towards the house, Carolyn throwing her purse onto her shoulder. She waited for her to walk towards the house, jumping when instead she wrenched open the back door.
"Get up." Carolyn demanded, and Meredith did as she was told, stepping out of the car and staring at her feet. She gradually looked up to see Carolyn hands on hips, eyebrows raised looking sternly at her. She held out both her arms gathering Meredith into them rubbing one hand up and down her back as the tears spilled over. She let Meredith cry for a minute, rubbing her back in circles trying to ease her pain in any way that she could. "I'm so sorry Meredith," she whispered soothingly "I'm so sorry this happened to you." As her sobs began to ease Carolyn pulled her towards the house, into the warm, to stop the shivers that were going through Meredith's thin frame. There were no words, but tears were a start and that was better than nothing.
Derek had watched as the two women embraced each other, using all his energy not to go out and scoop Meredith into his arms and hold her until the pain went away. But he knew his mother, and he knew that she was good at this sort of thing. Years of being an army nurse, and bringing up five children meant that she was hugely compassionate, yet firm when it was needed. She had a process, and he just had to let her work. She'd bring Meredith back to him. He just had to wait until she was ready to be brought back. He couldn't bear to watch Meredith's pain any longer, her obvious tears, so he set about making some dinner, throwing the ingredients into a pot for chicken that he knew both Meredith and his mother loved. He'd put it into the oven to heat through when he heard the front door open, his mother and Meredith quickly joining him in the kitchen. He shot his mother a thankful look as Meredith walked towards him, resting her head on his shoulder as he tidied the surface. Her breath was still a little shaky so he put his arm around her pressing a kiss to her forehead. Carolyn left them to have a moment and went to unpack her things in the guestroom. Alex was giving up his room this time, taking a camp bed into Meredith's mother's den where both Ellis' and Derek's boxes were stacked waiting to be sorted through. Derek simply held her as their dinner cooked, letting go only to chop a few Meredith-approved vegetables to go with the chicken. Meredith stayed by his side comforted just by his smell, moving only to get plates and cutlery ready to set the table. Carolyn returned as Derek dished up sniffing the air in appreciation, smiling at her son in gratitude.
Meredith had neglected to take her pain meds that evening, so she was reliant on her left hand to eat and cut up her food. Desperate not to reveal to Carolyn that she was in need of help just to eat, she simply ate her vegetables, managing to cut a few small bites of chicken to put into her mouth and dripping the sauce down her top. She grabbed her napkin and dabbed at it, not daring to make eye contact with anyone, totally embarrassed at the indignity of it. Derek spotted her predicament and immediately went to cut up her remaining chicken, cursing himself for not preparing something easier to cut up and eat.
"Derek leave it." Meredith insisted as he took her plate and cutlery, proceeding to cut up her meat. "Derek, stop." He did as she asked, passing her her cutlery, a piece of chicken on her fork. She got up from her seat and made her way out of the door. Her cheek was hurting, and her arm, her stitches stinging from where she had cried. "I'm not hungry." She mumbled as she left.
"Meredith…" Derek called after her, knowing she wouldn't turn back to him. Carolyn shook her head.
"Leave her Derek, she's hurting. She'll come around when she'd ready. Let her breathe a little. She's traumatised, she just needs time to process all the things she's feeling. She's still adjusting to the things she isn't able to do. She's lost a lot of her independence and that's painful for her. It's hard but you have to let her do some of the processing on her own. Be there but let her do this her way. She's used to having to heal alone, she needs time before she can let you in again. Her injuries are probably hurting from chewing anyhow."
"Her drugs." He said sighing in frustration. "I forgot to get them for her. I'll be back in a second. She must be in so much pain. Why didn't she say something?" He got up and opened the cupboard pulling out the bottle of pills, putting the right combination into a tiny medicine cup and pouring her a glass of water before ascending the stairs into their room where he knew Meredith would be curled in a ball. He walked in, and she looked at him, her eyes filled with pain and sadness, so much of which he knew the drugs couldn't cure.
"You forgot your meds," he said gently walking to her and passing her the glass and the cup, watching her swallow every one, draining the glass and placing it on the nightstand. "You should have said something, and about dinner, I wasn't thinking. I know you like the chicken and I didn't think how hard it would be to eat I'm sorry."
"I didn't want her to think I was weak." Meredith admitted very quietly but Derek heard every word, pulling her into his arms and squeezing tight.
"Oh Meredith, she doesn't think that she doesn't think that. She's worried about you that's all. She wants to make the pain go away, same as I do. We both just wish we could do something to stop it hurting. She definitely doesn't think you're weak. The complete opposite, you're so strong, so brave." He pulled away and held her at arm's length looking in her eyes. "Come back downstairs, I'll get you some ice cream and we can snuggle on the sofa. We'll find a movie we all like and we'll just sit, please?" he pouted a little "For me?" she giggled a little at his face before wrapping her arms around him and kissing him, the first kiss she had initiated since in days.
"I love you," she said as she got up off the bed ready to walk down with him. "So much."
"I love you too mer. That's not about to change."
The next few days went by quickly, the three of them falling into a sort of routine, hanging out at home by day and watching movies by night. Derek was extra cautious about her pain meds and the food he made and there wasn't another incident. Meredith hadn't said a word about how she was feeling since she'd cried, only answering that she was fine if anyone enquired as to whether she was okay, but she was affectionate from time to time which gave Derek some comfort.
The inevitable day came that Derek had to return to work, and early Monday morning he was up and ready to get back to work even though that meant leaving Meredith behind. He kissed her softly, not wanting to wake her. She'd been up twice with a nightmare and she was exhausted he could tell. He said a quick goodbye to his mother and left, hoping that he'd have something to do to distract him from the beautiful woman he'd left behind in his bed. Her bruising was going down slightly, her skin looking less angry with each passing day, but he knew the pain was still almost unbearable at times even if she remain stoic in his mother's presence. His pager bleeped as he was leaving the ferry, a 911 to the pit following a collision. He broke out into a smile. It was going to be busy today he could feel it, he'd have no problem being distracted today.
Meredith got up late dragging herself down to the kitchen, Carolyn handing her a mug of coffee and some syrup covered pancakes along with her meds. She'd cut them up a little, hoping Meredith wouldn't mind. Meredith ate in silence, feeling Carolyn's eyes on her the entire time.
"Any thoughts on the wedding?" She asked, hoping to get some semblance of conversation from the shell of the woman she used to know sitting before her.
"May." Meredith replied voicing an opinion she had yet to share with Derek. "Or June. Not too hot, not too rainy. Small. Outside. We haven't talked details yet."
"Bridesmaids?"
"Cristina, and Izzie probably. I don't know Callie well enough and Lexie and I are still working on things. I'd have George and Alex, but I'm not sure either would be seen dead in a dress." She smiled as Carolyn laughed out loud at the thought grateful that Meredith was at least attempting humour despite her pain.
"It sound lovely." She remarked not wanting to press for any details. "So what do you want to do today now that my son has left your side for a few hours?" Meredith smiled, the normalcy of the situation making her feel a little more comfortable.
"It's my turn to buy groceries. We got a few things the day I came home but... Well I guess Derek told you what happened." Carolyn nodded.
"We can go together if you'd like. I have some make up in my bag, maybe I could try and cover the bruising if it'd help a little." Meredith smiled. Carolyn had picked up on her insecurities about the way she looked, the flinching when Derek called her beautiful, the fear of going out where there were people. She was desperate to break free of the hold this had on her so she was willing to try anything.
Carolyn was gentle with the powder, being so gentle that Meredith could barely feel the brush strokes as the makeup was applied. Meredith looked in the mirror once Carolyn was finished, bringing her hand to her sore cheek, which aside from the bandage over the stitches looked almost normal. It brought tears to her eyes to see the change. She finally looked normal again. She could finally look pretty for Derek again.
"Ready to go?" Carolyn asked, a satisfied smile on her face. Meredith nodded grabbing her purse and her car keys, handing them to Carolyn who was in a much better state of health to drive. They made it to the store quickly, taking advantage of the lull between early morning and lunch time. Meredith confidently strolled down the aisles picking out the groceries they needed to restock the fridge and cupboards back at the house, Carolyn adding the odd ingredient here or there. For the first time since she had been attacked, Meredith felt comfortable being out of the house where people could see her. She knew that the bandage was obvious, but she could simply inform anyone that was curious that it was an accident at work. No one needed to know she was a doctor attacked by a patient, and her hidden bruising meant that she didn't look like the battered fiancée anymore. She was just Meredith, and that was the best feeling in the world.
After paying, they loaded the car, and set off back to the house. Meredith was happier, but not quite ready to talk things through with Carolyn yet, so she switched on the radio letting the end of a Wham song fill the car. The host of the radio show read a few messages before playing another track, the words hitting Meredith hard. 'I don't know your face no more, or feel the touch that I adore, I don't know your face no more, it's just a place I'm looking for. We might as well be strangers in another town, we might as well be living in a different world. We might as well, we might as well we might as well. I don't know your thoughts these days, we're strangers in an empty space…" Meredith let the tears fall, she thought of Derek and how amazing and supportive he'd been, always making sure she was comfortable, encouraging her to talk things through, holding her and making her feel safe despite the thoughts that were running through her head. She had barely kissed him, and hadn't touched him unless he touched her first. She'd been absent, neglecting his needs and his feelings. They had both suffered trauma. She may bear the physical signs, but he'd been by her side when the pain meds and the concussion knocked her out and made her woozy and out of it. He'd felt pain when she'd recalled the events to the people who needed to know them. No one had been there for him. He was all alone with this. Not her, she had him, and she had to be there for him too. They needed each other, they were a team. They were in this together. They were. Them. She gasped making Carolyn look at her noticing her tears. She pulled over to the side of the road grabbing Meredith's hand.
"Sweetheart, what is it? Are you in pain? What do you need? Tell me what you need?" She was using her mothering voice, a hint of fear creeping in.
"I need…" Meredith was nearly hyperventilating now as she tried to force out the words. "I need to go to the hospital. I need Derek."
"Okay, we'll go now, just tell me which way and we'll go right now." Meredith tried to calm herself as Carolyn manoeuvred the roads to the hospital, glancing at her future daughter in law whenever she could. Eventually they made it, and Meredith took no time in unbuckling her seatbelt and running towards the entrance Carolyn following close behind. Not wanting to wait for the elevator, Meredith made for the stairwell, running breathlessly up the flights to the surgical floor. She burst through the door and to the nurse's station.
"Is Derek around?" She panted as Tyler looked at the schedules.
"Meredith?" came a familiar voice from down the hall, making Meredith turn her head and run towards him, jumping into his arms her tears coming back, rolling down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry." She cried. "I'm sorry I haven't been there for you. I love you and I want to talk to you and I want to move past this together. Me and you. I love you." Carolyn finally caught up, nodding her head at the scene, smiling when her son looked her way.
"What brought this on?" he asked, looking at her worriedly before smiling at the innocence in her face, her relatively bruise free face. He reached a hand to stroke her powder covered cheek looking into her eyes waiting for her answer.
"The song in the car, I don't want us to be strangers. We're a team, we're Meredith and Derek, we're in this together. When I hurt you hurt, and I forgot that for a second there, but I can't be the reason the reason you're hurting and the reason you can't get better. I need you to support me but I need to support you too. I need to help make the pain go away. I want to be us again. And I know that we're going through some really awful stuff now but I really believe that we can get through this, I mean we're extraordinary and I think that means that we…" Derek interrupted her ramble by tilting her back in his arms and kissing her hard on the lips, ignoring the wolf whistles and 'get a room's from around the corridor. "I'm ready." She whispered when they finally came up for air. "It's time to put this behind us." Derek grinned, squeezing her tightly in his arms, he set Meredith at arm's length and looked at the smile that was stuck on her face. His mom was right. He just needed to give her time. It would take a lot of talking through, a lot of trust to talk about how awful and how painful this was for both of them, but they had all the time in the world, and most importantly. They had either. And like Meredith had said somewhere in that ramble of hers, that was all they needed.
A/N- a little longer than usual I know but I decided it was worth it to end on a happier note. I'm attempting thanksgiving next chapter, it'll be a little late I know but it feels like a fun theme. I'm English so I've never celebrated thanksgiving but I'll see how it goes! As ever let me know your thoughts.