Unfinished Business, Unresolved Feelings Chapter 33

Amanda was walking slowly through Rock Creek Park where she had arranged to meet Lee. The nervousness and uncertainty that she'd been feeling since Lee had told her that he loved her weeks earlier had been replaced by a confidence that they belonged together. Amanda approached the large fountain where they were to meet and saw Lee sitting on a bench watching all the families that were enjoying the beautiful fall day. Lee was so focused on a young couple that was watching their small daughter feeding the pigeons that he didn't notice Amanda's arrival until she'd sat down next to him.

"The boys used to love to feed the birds, and I loved watching them, I don't know who enjoyed it the most", Amanda said as she reached out and took Lee's hand in hers.

"It looks as though they're all enjoying themselves; I wonder if my parents ever had me do that", Lee said wistfully.

"I'm sure they must have, it's something that parents of small children do, and you were probably too young at the time to remember it now."

"Maybe you're right; my memories of them are all jumbled up but it doesn't matter anymore because from now on I'm trying to look forward not backwards. I don't plan to let my past get in the way of my future anymore; I've wasted enough of my life already. We have a terrific future ahead of us", Lee said as he leaned forward and began to kiss Amanda. Amanda returned his kisses briefly but then she slowly pulled away from him.

"Lee, I'm glad that you're looking forward and I agree that we have a terrific future ahead of us but I'm worried about you. You've been through a great deal this week but you're acting as though you are fine and dandy and ready to move on without talking about what's happened", Amanda said quietly while watching Lee's eyes for a reaction to what she was saying to him. "I know you're a private person and I respect that but I think that you need to deal with whatever it was that you read in your mother's journal that upset you so much."

"I'm not saying that I'm fine and dandy, wait a minute, I didn't say anything about my mother's journal; how did you know-"

"I know because I know you very well and I love you, please talk to me; it might make you feel better. There's nothing that you can't talk to me about. You went to your uncle, who you barely speak to, for comfort instead of coming to me", Amanda said with hurt written all over her face.

"I didn't go to you because I was hurt, angry and embarrassed by what I read in the journal. I was afraid that you would try to talk me out of confronting the Colonel and I was embarrassed by what I discovered about my parents. I couldn't let you stop me from having it out with my uncle so I left without discussing the journal with you. I never meant to hurt you; I didn't stop to think about how my leaving that way would make you feel."

"I'm very confused. When you called me from your uncle's place it sounded as though you two were getting along; it didn't seem like you were angry with him."

"After I confronted him I realized that he's been a victim of my parents' actions as much as I have. We talked about things that we've never discussed before and found that we're more alike than we are different. We may never be what you would consider to be a normal family but we're working on our relationship. I can see now that my uncle has been more of a father to me than my father was", Lee concluded. Lee looked at an uncharacteristically silent Amanda as he tried to gauge her reaction to what he'd just told her. "Amanda, you're scaring me, you're not usually this quiet. What are you thinking?"

"You've given me a lot to think about. First off, I wish I'd never used the word 'normal' in relation to you and your family. My family life is far from perfect so I shouldn't be judging any one else's life. I'm happy that you and your uncle have come to an understanding with each other but I don't understand why you seem to be inclined to blame your parents for everything that went wrong in your life. They were innocent victims, Thomas Blackthorne was to blame for their deaths, and we proved that."

"Blackthorne arranged the car crash that killed them but their rogue investigation of him pushed him into taking that action", Lee said angrily as he rose from the bench and started pacing. "They didn't have to behave so recklessly; what were they thinking?"

"That's crazy, I can't believe you think that, we were almost killed avenging their deaths and now you're blaming them for their own deaths. What's gotten into you", Amanda demanded as she stood up and grabbed Lee's arm to stop his pacing.

"What's gotten into me is a major reality check thanks to that journal, you only read the beginning of it, but I read the rest of it. Those first few pages made it seem as though my mother was a devoted mom but as the journal continued it turned into little more than a recounting of their adventures and travels. I desperately wanted to find something about our family life to fill in the gaps in my memories of them but there wasn't much there. What I did read made it plain that they weren't honest with my grandmother and the Colonel about what my mother was doing with her life. They asked my uncle to promise to take care of me if anything happened to them but they didn't bother to tell him that my mother was an agent too and faced the same risks that my father did."

"Are you sure that your uncle didn't know that your mom was an agent", Amanda asked, clearly surprised by that revelation.

"He didn't know until I told him; he looked about as shocked as you do now. I read something about him that I hadn't known before and I threw it in his face while I was still so angry at him. I, aah, I'd never seen such a look of pain in his eyes before but it was too late for me to take it back. We talked it out and it helped me to see him for who he really is. Reading that journal was painful but it's also helped me see myself more clearly. I don't like some of what I see in myself and I'm determined to change my life. I'm a work in progress…will you be patient with me for a little while longer", Lee asked hopefully.