Daughter of my Heart, Chapter Eight
[picks up after "Secrets", leading into "The Tok'ra", parts 1 & 2]
Cassie always knew when something was bothering the adults. They tried so hard to hide things from her, to keep their secrets, but she knew.
No matter how brightly Sam smiled to cover things up, Cassie could tell when she was sad. Her eyes glittered all wrong, as if the light was catching tears instead of laughter.
And Daniel...Daniel always looked a little sad when he wasn't telling stories, but when something was really bothering him, he was quiet. It was as if the things he loved best had too many words to hold in, and the things that hurt most had none at all.
She didn't know why they never spoke of their troubles or worries, why they chose to hide them instead. They were always asking her about her own, after all. Sam and Daniel both would listen toher for hours, telling them about life on Hanka, the friends she'd had, the games she'd played, and then they'd share their own memories of the people they'd loved and lost...but they never spoke of anything that was bothering them right now.
She wondered if it was an Earth thing, something she'd have to learn someday. It didn't seem like very much fun, always having these secrets.
Sam felt even more drained the next morning than she had the night before. As if her father's announcement hadn't been enough, especially coupled with her own guilt for not sharing her own news sooner, she'd spent the whole night having confusing, disjointed dreams from Jolinar's life. She'd woken up half a dozen times the night before, each time sensing that there was something she needed to know, something she needed to do, but the information she wanted was always just out of reach.
"You look about as great as I feel," Daniel commented, as Cassie and Janet bounded along ahead of them toward the Dinosaur Resource Centre.
Sam sighed. "There's something Jolinar wants me to remember," she murmured.
"Jolinar's dead," Daniel replied.
"I know. But her memories aren't. And there's something I need to remember, I just can't quite put my finger on it."
"That sounds...frustrating."
"It is. I just hope I can figure it out soon, before I lose too much more sleep."
Janet was doubly glad she'd pushed for the outing now, as she surreptitiously observed the two specters she knew as friends. They definitely needed to be out with other people right now, instead of locked up with all their thoughts.
Even in the light of day, surrounded by the bustle of children and families, and some of the most magnificent dinosaur displays she'd ever seen, the pair of them looked drawn, haunted even. Cassandra was casting worried glances back at them as they made their way through the gallery.
"Do you know what's wrong with them?," the little girl asked after a while, her concern evident.
"Sometimes grown-ups just get a lot on their minds," Janet simplified.
"Is it because of me?," she asked.
"Oh, Sweetie, no!," Janet replied earnestly. "They both love you very much, and so do I."
"Then what has them so upset?," she pressed. Janet sighed.
"I can't really tell you all the details, but they've had a bad week at work."
"Is Daniel sad because he had to visit his old home, without his wife?," Cassie asked.
"He told you about that?"
Cassie nodded.
"It's a little more complicated than that, but in essence, yes," Janet summarized.
"What about mom? She was supposed to be getting an award, wasn't she?"
"Cass...that's something you'd really have to ask Sam," Janet reminded gently.
"But she won't tell me!," the child exclaimed.
The doctor sighed. "There are some things grown ups just don't want to talk about with their kids, Cassie. I know it's frustrating now, but you'll understand when you're older."
"How much older?," Cassie asked suspiciously.
Janets lips twitched upward toward a smile. "It'll happen sooner than you think."
Janet and Cassie kept them hopping all weekend, first with the dinosaurs, then with the Space Foundation Discovery Centre. Cassie was having the time of her life exploring the different displays and learning what they were all about, and even Sam relaxed a little, joining in more once they were at the space centre. But with no really good ancient civilization display near enough to keep his mind on the outings, Daniel's heart really wasn't in it.
She'd been right there, so close he'd been able to touch her, hold her, feel the love in her voice. And he'd let her go to save the boy.
It was what she'd wanted, he told himself over and over. The boy had to be kept safe, kept out of the reach of Apophis.
He understood this, felt the same way. But to lose her again, after having found her so unexpectedly, exactly where she belonged... It shattered his heart all over again.
She was his wife. Words couldn't even begin to describe what she meant to him.
And traipsing all over creation with Cassandra...it felt almost like a betrayal. As if he had no right to this gilded life, to this smiling, laughing child, or the friends who cared enough to not want him to be alone.
He'd forgotten to tell Sha're about this life, he realized guiltily.
They'd had so little time, and he'd been so caught off guard, finding her pregnant on Abydos...
He'd been an idiot. She'd been there, had been herself, and he'd wasted what little time they'd had, angry at the injustice of it all.
And now she was gone again, her own son hidden from her, from her Goa'uld, to protect his young life...And here he was, her husband, alive and well, chasing after the beautiful, healthy, happy little girl he'd neglected to tell Sha're about.
He was living a life of lies. How could he play 'dad' to Cassandra, but leave his wife's son behind? Didn't that child, too, that newest victim of the Goa'uld, deserve a measure of this ease, in this land of plenty?
Kasuf had wanted the boy, but should Daniel not have wanted him as well? What would Sha're think, to know he'd walked away from her child to be with another?
The Abydonians believed in community, believed in sharing all that they had, but hadn't he betrayed that belief in refusing to share all he had in return?
Would the child have been better off on Earth, with him?, he second-guessed.
Kasuf would love him, would raise him as his own, Daniel knew. But he'd lived on Abydos long enough to know that life there wasn't easy. There was always work to be done, by adults and children alike, and food was at times scarce in the village. Not to mention next to no education for anyone...
"You can't blame yourself forever," a voice said gently beside him.
"I should have done more."
"Maybe," Janet conceded. "Or maybe you did as much as you could, and you need to forgive yourself for the rest."
"I left her son behind. I said I'd protect him, and then I left him."
"With his grandfather, and a whole village to raise and protect him," Janet reminded. "He'll probably have more attention, and more freedom there than he would here," she continued. "The son of two Goa'uld? If you'd brought him back, the NID would have had him in custody within the week, regardless of anything you or General Hammond could do. And you know it. So stop beating yourself up, and be grateful that her child is being loved and cared for by good people."
Daniel stopped in his tracks. She was right, he knew.
"Come on," she said, gently tugging him by the arm. "You'll see her again, Daniel, and her son, too. Don't stop living in the meantime."
Numbly, Daniel nodded.
Things could still work out. He had to believe.