We now go to Nate as he currently fucks up Mark's home.
Skype Log:
NM - I don't see the real problem here.
MC - The problem is that my toilet is down my chimney.
NM - How is this a problem?
MC - Maybe I actually wanted to be able to use the bathroom!
NM - Learn to hold it!
BS - Hold what?
MC - My bodily fluids!
BS - Nope, I'm out I'll call back later. Also, Alex is on his planet, bye nerds!
NM - I still stand by my statement!
MC - Fuck you! Maybe my consorts have toilets.
NM - Doubtful!
MC - You can eat an ENTIRE BUTT!
Skype Call End
As he stomps off up the stairs that YOU MADE FOR HIM! The joke is on him however, you didn't build up the stairs high enough to reach the first gate. You decide to check in with your server player to see about your own planet.
"Hey homie, whachu' doin?'" you hear in your head
"Oh shit! Are you my exile?" You say out loud, possibly making Jon wonder if you've gone crazy.
"Man, I like to go by Snoop Lion!"
"What? Snoop Dogg?"
"It's Snoop Lion to you!"
"Wait, how are you even my exile, Earth must have been destroyed for over 400 years by then!"
"Man, I don't know, I was at a party. I got really high. I woke up in this big-ass desert."
"Aw hell, I'm going to be guided by a Bowlingpin/Peanutbutter monstrosity and a 400 year old weed addict!"
"Hey man, I ain't addicted to nothin', I can stop any time I want!"
"Fine, then what do you think I should do?"
"Well, if I was you, I'd take care of that little guy tryin' to eat yo sink."
"FUCKING IMPS"
You go to your basement and retieve a metal pole off of your dad's exercise machine. This shall not stand, you've gone through to much bullshit already! You ascend to the kitchen and find an imp attempting to eat you sink, as if it were actually edible.
With one fatal swoop, you hit the little bastard square in the head with the pole. Teach him not to eat sinks!
You are now "Snoop Lion" who seems to be in a mobile, metal house. You are greatly displeased with the lack of weed, bottles, or bitches. You are a rap star and it is a crime against you that you are not knee deep in bitches by this point in the day. You, since you have nothing better to do, have been watching this fat kid beat those little motherfuckers with a pole for the past few minutes.
You get bored. Fuck this place, fuck this kid, you are off to search for bitches! As you look around you notice the little microwave in the corner. Fuck that red microwave, you tried to microwave a burrito an hour ago, it fucking dissapeared. You have no idea where the burrito went, or why you woke up with a microwave burrito in your back pocket. But God damn if you didn't want that sweet, sweet burrito.
This kid seems to know something about your situation, maybe you should ask him about it. Nope, he just beat some little fuck to death with a pole, you know when not to fuck with someone, this is that time! While that guy beats things to death like a little psychopath, you decide to explore your sweet new crib. You decide to go through a door to the right of where you were sitting, inside you find it... FUCK YEAH, THERE'S YOUR BURRITO! It was sitting on the table the whole time, while it's still cold, you don't care a burrito's a burrito.
SHIT! Maybe you should have heated up the burrito. You promptly spit it on the ground. One burrito down the drain, 15 more to go! As you make your way back up from the floor and the puddle of burrito and regret. You look closer at your surroundings. This room is pretty cool. There's a couch, a mini-kitchen, and a flat-screen. You decide to turn on the T.V. and pop one of your other burritos into the mini-kitchen's microwave.
As as you turn on the screen, you see the fat kid again, beating more things with a pole. You wonder if these little guys like being hit with that pole, why else would they keep coming? You hear the microwave ding and look gladly to see that your burrito is still there! As as you reach in to the microwave you feel the ground shake and a hear a large noise outside. Damnit! You dropped the burrito, you're getting tired of this bullshit!
You find the exit after five minutes of searching and head outside to teach this bitch not to get between you and your burritos! You find outside another large metal house, you cannot allows this. This is your property, under the grounds that you woke up here with a hangover and found nobody else there, so it's yours now! You see quite literally the whitest bitch in the world come out of the building.
"What are you looking at, you lowly swine?" She says in what you believe to be the most annoying voice you have ever heard. Imagine dragging nails across a chalk board. Now imagine that combined with a goat screeching.
"I'm looking at the bitch who made me drop my lunch!"
"WHAT did you call, me?"
"What'chu is, an ugly bitch"
"How dare you! I will have you know that I am a very wealthy and respected noble!"
"And I will have you know that I am a very wealthy and respected rapper!"
"Fine, just help me fix my ship and I will be on my way!"
"Uh, let me think about it. No. You made me drop the second burrito I have tried to make today, and I'm pretty fuckin' hungry!"
"I don't much care for your language!"
"An' I don't care for your stuck-up bitcheness!"
As you continue to argue you hear the sounds of explosions and can smell the most heinous of smells, AXE Bodyspray! As you both turn and cover your noses you see what appears to be a guy whose skin is actually the color black. He wields a belt of grenades and is so ripped you wonder where he found a shirt big enough to hold his biceps. Seriously, how can he even lift his arms?
As he approaches you notice something coming over the horizon...is that...OH FUCK IT IS! This asshole is being followed by a silver tank! You decide to duck inside of your new home for safety, you're not getting blown up today!
As he approaches you see him stop and speak to the bitch who messed up your burrito. After a short conversation he begins approaching your home and picks you up and carries you outside to talk.
"Now!" The hulking brute says in a deep voice. You sense slight irritation, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"I was insulted by this lowly buffoon when I asked for assistance!" The bitch with the screechy voice says.
"Maybe if you weren't such a huge piece of shit about it I would help you!" You say
"I think I see the problem here" the large man says, "You two simply got off on the wrong foot, that's all!"
As he observes you start over with the conversation and actually talk like civilized people. After you talk it out, she returns to her metal home to attempt repairs while you speak with the brute.
"So, why are you here?" You ask
"I simply wonder the vast deserts, I look for treasure, I defend the weak. It's just what I do!"
"That sounds kinda dumb actually. Why get all the bling when you can't spend it on shit?"
"I found very quickly that people in the desert will trade goods for anything shiny. It helps me provide for my friends back at camp."
"What camp?"
"Some of the others I have met have decided to join me, we live in an encampment not far from here."
As he says this you hear a roar of engines as the white chick's home begins to move. Once it lifts a few feet off the ground she pokes her head out.
"Got it to work!" She says with a self-satisfied look.
"Great," the living bicep says, "If you two want your welcome at our camp. I'm sure they'd love to have you!"
You figure it's probably your best shot of finding more food and water. Burritos are good, but they're no means of sustaining yourself for long periods of time.
"Alright, let's go!" You say as you get into your home and look for the on button.
After several minutes of searching and finally asking the large fellow for help, you get the ship moving and start heading for your new home.
END OF CHAPTER 5