"One more Commander, come one you can do it."
Steve looked up at him, taking in a deep breath and then did his final five crunches for the day. He collapsed on the mat blowing out the breath.
"How do you feel?" his therapist asked him, tossing him a towel from the top of the pile.
He caught it before it landed on his face. "Pretty good." He used it to wipe off the sweat.
"Pain level? One to ten," He leaned against the stack of mats Steve was lying on, "and don't bullshit me this time."
"Five," he said.
"Ok," he patted him on his arm. "Roll over on your side." He helped him make the transition, putting his hand on Steve's lower back, feeling around the area of the injury. "It's starting to loosen up. Swelling isn't as bad as yesterday."
He helped roll him back over on his back. "You have to let me know if we're pushing too hard. I can't read your mind and all you service boys are alike. You never want to surrender to the pain so you just muscle through it. Its bullshit and it doesn't help in the recovery."
"Ok, ok," Steve said guiltily, "it's a six."
He put a hand behind his upper back helping him sit up. "That's what I thought. I'll have the nurse hook you up so you can get a good night sleep. You did well today."
Steve nodded, wishing the IV were in him now. He hadn't had a dose since late that morning and then by the time the machine was ready for another, he had to come here. He looked over at the wheelchair across the way, knowing he had to walk over to it. The therapist never brought it to him, and he never asked him too either.
He sat on the edge of the mat and pushed himself up, feeling a little wobbly but quickly caught himself before stumbling. He took his time not rushing it. It was easier than the day before and even better than the day before that. He sat down feeling a twitch in his back. The pain was a normal occurrence that he gritted his teeth through until he could get some pain medication in him. "Maybe tomorrow I can walk back to my room."
"We can try that, but let's not rush it. We don't need another occurrence like last week. I think your wife is still pissed at me about that."
He smiled over mispronunciation of Anna's title, but didn't correct him either. "She was close enough,' he thought.
The conversation between the three of them on the day after his first session Anna was about as pleasant as her anger was going to allow, which made both men cringe just a bit. Steve never intervened and let her speak her mind, knowing it was all for his benefit. He didn't go without a tongue lashing either as she learned of his dishonesty toward the degree of pain. He agreed to be more forthcoming and the therapist agreed to be more aware of it. That appeased her.
He loved that feisty side of her when it appeared. She was a tough broad when she needed to be, he thought amusingly. It just made him miss her all the more. He was anxious to get on with his life but more importantly to get out of that hospital. He wanted to go home.
The therapist turned the chair and began wheeling him out of the room. "How are the hands coming along?"
Steve lifted up both of them that were still wrapped up but only the broken fingers were now hidden under a tight wrap and he had full use of the others. "Good. It was a pain in the ass not having use of my hands before."
The therapist leaned over him. "I bet. No more catheter must be nice."
Steve groaned, "I hated that fucking thing."
He laughed, "Yea, guys always seem to have an issue when someone's down there messing around with the jewels."
As they went down the hallway Steve began to feel the same way about the wheelchair. It made him feel weak being in it. He hated having to be catered to every second of the day and worse than that he hated how it was disrupting everyone's lives around him. He needed to get back on his feet again, soon. He insisted that Anna go home every night now to be with the kids, even though he selfishly wanted her to stay. He missed her so much that sometimes he would wake up at night reaching for her before he even realized where he was. It was always hard going back to sleep after those incidences, occasionally opting for a dose of pain medication from the button to help relax him and ease him back into a deep slumber. It was a godsend on those nights, getting that euphoric high that permanently calmed all his worries and pain of being where he was. He was actually looking forward to another dose at the moment. It had been just over eight hours and he was due.
They came inside the room and all those thoughts were quickly diminished at the sight of Anna, Eric and Jenny all there waiting for him.
"Surprise!" Jenny jumped up and down excitedly. "We brought you pizza!" She clapped her hands over and over as Eric and Anna both laughed at her excitement.
"Pizza!" he replied happily. "Did you put worms on it?"
"No!" she laughed, going to his side and grabbing the arm of his wheel chair. "That's only for your ice cream. I put spiders on your pizza," she teased.
"Mmmm, " Steve rubbed his belly. "Big black ones I hope."
Jenny made a disgusted face, laughing. "I'm only kidding. That's gross."
He put an arm around her, needing this more than ever at the moment. "I'll eat it anyway." He looked over as Eric joined his sister as his side.
"Guess what?" he said to Steve with a proud expression.
"What?"
"I was watching this video on the computer about how to start a fire from scratch, and I did it all by myself in the backyard."
Steve's look of surprise was exactly what Eric was hoping for. "Seriously?"
He nodded proudly, "Ask Anna."
"It's true," she announced. "We dug a little whole in the backyard and he used only some dry wood and a piece of flint."
"Way to go buddy," Steve smiled. "You're not even going to need me on that camping trip."
"You're still going right?" Eric asked, having no desire to go unless Steve went. It was still over a month away and they both hoped he was well enough by then.
"You bet I am. Although it's starting to sound more like it's going to be a vacation for me. There won't be anything left to teach you at the rate you're going."
Eric smiled broadly. "Yes there will."
Steve looked over at Anna. "I'm glad you guys are here." He spoke to all three of them but was thanking her, and she knew it.
"We wanted to have a family dinner," she said, going over to the pizza box. "The table at home isn't the same without you there."
Jenny nodded in agreement. "When are you coming home?" she asked, but it came out more as a pleasant type of whine.
Steve sighed, "Soon honey. Very soon, I hope."
The therapist leaned over and locked the wheels on the chair. "I'm going to get out of here and let you enjoy your family dinner." He put a hand on Steve's shoulder. "I'll let the nurses know we're back so you can get hooked in." He said it not using the word IV, but Steve knew what he meant, and so did Anna. She didn't want to speak up her displeasure over that with the kids in the room but was hoping he'd be going back to the oral meds by now. It had been over a week and they were still giving him Morphine.
"Thanks," Steve said, looking up at him over his shoulder. "Do you want a slice before you go?"
He shook his head, "No thanks, you enjoy it. You earned it today."
"I know," he said, "and I'm going to reward myself."
Anna slid a piece onto each plate as the kids sat on the floor in front of his wheelchair and she sat on his bed. She watched with pleasure and amusement as Jenny and Eric talked about what they had been doing at school, laughing at times over the jokes and teasing that Steve would throw at them. The conversation felt like home even they were in a hospital. It was a normal routine that each one had been craving since he left for the reserves before the accident. She smiled, seeing the side of him that she had fallen in love with. For the first time since the accident he seemed truly happy at the moment. She attributed it all to Jenny and Eric. They were like a breath of fresh air in this place that had worried her lately, feeling it was beginning to get the best of him. At times when she would visit he'd be so wiped out from the Morphine that he didn't even know she had been there. He needed to come home, she thought. This was the only medicine he needed. His family.
Her pleasant thoughts were interrupted as the nurse came in.
"Well lookey here," she said, smiling at the kids. "I didn't know there was a party going on." She acknowledged everyone in the room except for Anna, barely giving her a side-glance. The incident from the first day was still not forgiven, but over time she had come to like Steve, regardless of Anna's attitude that had become known on the floor, especially after the outburst over his care those first few days. Anna didn't like her either and didn't care if she or the others didn't like her as well. She'd made her point and realized being vocal got a lot of positive responses. She was about to voice up again, knowing why she was there.
Steve went to get up when Anna slid off the bed. "Do you really have to do that right now?" she asked, speaking to the nurse but her focus on Steve. She knew once the IV was in that their time together would be cut short. He'd be out of it in no time. "We're in the middle of a little family time right now." She spoke to him next. "Unless you think you need it right now. Are you in a lot pain?"
He hesitated getting up, pondering her words. "Not too much, but if I sit here long enough I'm going to get really stiff and then it's going to hurt worse."
She walked over to the chair, "Why don't you get into bed and get comfortable and then she can come back in a little while."
He knew what she was asking of him without her actually coming right out and saying it. The Morphine would take away from their time together. He'd end up falling asleep, but was torn over wanting that relief, feeling a pain in his back at that second, knowing that wonderful blissful rush was only minutes away.
She watched him shift in the chair as if trying to find a comfortable position, but knew he'd see her point of view. She was surprised when he didn't.
"It's getting stiff now. I don't want to get to that point were it's beyond the pain threshold." He leaned forward to get up as the nurse assisted him. He didn't look back at Anna, knowing it wasn't the decision she was hoping for, and he felt a slight pang of guilt over it too, but for right now he needed to feel the relief. What difference did it make anyway, he thought, if he were sitting in that chair or sitting in bed with the IV, either way he was still himself. He'd ward off the sleep until they were done eating. That would be easy, he thought assured of himself.
Anna saw the instant change in him the second the nurse walked in. He'd been sitting there only a minute before perfectly fine, laughing and joking with the kids and now suddenly his back was flared up so that he had to have a dose of pain medicine.
The thing that worried her most was that she wasn't even sure if he realized the change. She believed his pain to be true but wondered if it was more mental than physical. She didn't put up a fight, not wanting to have this discussion in front of the kids nor in front of that nurse.
Maybe she was wrong about it, she thought as she began to second-guess herself. She understood his need for it and the last thing she wanted was for him to be in any pain whatsoever, but her experience with drugs was something that frightened her. She saw what it did to her father, not believing for a second that Steve would go down that same path, but still, the experience altered her life and changed who she was forever. Even Alyssa didn't come out of it unscathed. To this day even in Hollywood where drugs were a somewhat normally, accepted social behavior, Alyssa found it to be distasteful and avoided them and getting close to anyone who associated along those lines. That was probably the only thing she and her twin had in common.
She had to turn away as the nurse inserted the IV and then twisted the little nozzle as it began to drip down. The kids both finished off their pizza, neither one thinking anything unusual about the situation; too them Steve was just getting his medicine that would get him home sooner. Anna closed the top of the pizza box and began to clean up the mess, knowing he'd be out in a few minutes. She wasn't angry just a little disappointed.
The nurse gathered up her supplies and left.
Steve laid his head back feeling it take effect. Not surprisingly the pain disappeared, all of it, leaving him completely at ease with his body and mind. These first few minutes were like heaven. It made him forget about the dreadful place where he was, but as the drug would have it he also forgot about the people in the room as well, until he felt a hand on him and looked over seeing Jenny next to the bed. He smiled down at her, his expression relaxed. "Hey sweetie."
"Does that hurt?" she asked, pointing at the IV in his hand.
"No. It makes me feel better." He closed his eyes, "It feels really, really good."
She looked at his face, squinting her eyes, seeing the change from when he was sitting in the wheelchair to now, not sure what to make of this person that was talking to her. It was Steve but he somehow seemed different. "You look funny," she blurted out, chuckling over his demeanor, thinking it was one of his games that he loved to tease her with.
Anna came up behind her, putting her hands on her shoulders, moving her away from the bed.
"Are you playing?" she asked him and then looked up at Anna. "Doesn't he look funny?" she started to laugh not understanding the Morphine was in full effect, leaving him completely subdued.
He opened his eyes back up again and looked at her. "It's just the medicine," he replied sleepily. "Make me a new picture?" he asked smiling lazily at her.
Jenny nodded, "Ok," she replied, scratching her cheek. Not only did he look funny but now he was talking funny too. His words were slow.
He looked up at Anna next, seeing the beauty just radiating off of her. "God you're beautiful," he declared. "You're so beautiful."
Jenny and Eric both looked at each other and smiled over the tender way in which he said it. They glanced up at Anna seeing if she were as pleased over it as they were.
She grinned, but knew something that neither one of them did. He might have thought it but at that second it was the Morphine talking, not Steve. She wasn't as flattered as they were.
Jenny touched his hand as he closed his eyes, whispering. "Is he going to sleep?"
"I think so," Anna replied trying to hide the disappointment in her voice.
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Steve woke up to an empty room. The used paper plates from the pizza were still sitting on the table by his bed but his visitors were gone. He tried to recall saying goodbye to them but the last thing he remembered was talking to Jenny, everything after that was blank. He must have fallen asleep.
He slowly pushed himself up, feeling the familiar stress to his lower back. He went to reach for the button attached to the IV but know it was too soon for another does so he held back. Instead he reached for his cell phone next to his bed.
Anna sat up, wiping her eyes. She saw the caller ID and smiled as she answered it. "976 dirty talk. Do you want to know what I'm wearing?"
Steve laughed, "Nothing, I hope."
Anna pulled his pillow up on her lap, squeezing it. "This is a nice surprise," she said.
"I'm sorry I fell asleep earlier. Were the kids mad?"
"Mad?" she questioned, "No, of course not. Disappointed maybe. It cut our visit rather short."
Steve sighed, "I know. I'm sorry."
"That's the second time you apologized. Do think that's necessary? I mean, if you were in pain and you needed it then there's nothing to be sorry about."
He recalled her wanting him to hold off on the meds, wishing now he had. "I thought I could stay awake. It got the better of me."
"That stuff always knocks you out. It just didn't seem like you were in that much pain…until the nurse came in."
He was taken back by her accusation. "What do you mean? Do you think I was faking it?"
"No, of course not, but do you really think you need the IV still? At Queen's you didn't need it but now all of a sudden it's become a daily thing, a multiple daily thing. I don't know," she sighed, "it's not me that's in pain so maybe I shouldn't be saying this."
Steve knew exactly where this was going. "Anna," he said calmly. "I'm ok. You don't have to worry about that, but I'll see about getting off the IV if you want me too." He knew of her father's addiction and suicide.
She closed her eyes feeling guilty for even bringing it up, but pleased that he would offer. It was the answer she'd been hoping for. "I'm sorry. I know you're ok and I know that you can handle it. It just scares me is all. I'm sorry."
Steve smiled, "That's twice you apologized." He used her own words to rectify the conversation. "You had a legitimate concern. You voiced it, we got it out in the open, talked about it and resolved it. Communication. Isn't that what you said made a marriage last?"
Anna nodded, speaking into the phone. "Yes." She felt her heart flutter.
"Then we're still on the right track."
"I love you," she said missing him. "And I trust you. I know how strong you are both physically and mentally. You need this for pain and nothing more. I understand that. Don't let yourself be in pain because of what I said, ok?"
"Ok, but you don't have anything to worry about."
"I know," she smiled."
He glanced over at the button on the IV and knew he'd had his last dose. He'd stop for her. At the moment he felt it unnecessary knowing he was in control and could quit anytime, but if it caused her any kind of anxiety then to him it wasn't worth it. He could live through the discomfort until the pills kicked in. They weren't instantaneous as the Morphine, but just as effective.
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Steve lay there after waking up a second time that night. He had his thumb on the black button trying to talk himself out of it.
"You promised Anna," he mumbled. He felt a bead of sweat slide down his temple as his thumb twitched.
He began to recite their conversation in his head, not recalling promising her but knowing it wasn't something she wanted him to do any longer, for obvious reasons. It began to annoy him that she would think that way about him in the first place. He'd been in an accident. He had a helicopter fall on his head for Christ sake. "It's not like I'm some junkie," he said bitterly.
His back twitched, as a painful spasm soared up his spine. "Shit," he groaned. His thumb tapped the button over and over as his conscience kicked in. He rated the pain from one to ten, considering it a three compared to others, but nonetheless it was pain and why should he have to lie here and suffer, he thought, when it could easily be resolved with a click of his thumb.
He could almost feel that rush fill his body with the liquid gold that had been sustaining him over the last couple of weeks. He didn't realize it but the pain in his back that he felt at that second wasn't from the accident, but from his body in stress and his brain telling him he needed another dose to ease the phantom ache.
Another bead of sweat trickled down his temple as he struggled with the options of what he should do. He pictured Anna knowing what she wanted from him, but she also didn't want him in pain he recalled her saying. "She said that," he whispered, trying to justify his need of wanting another round of pain medication He couldn't recite her exact words but convinced himself that was how he remembered it.
He tapped lightly on the head of the cord as he anxiously shifted in the bed, wondering how it had got so hot so quickly. He whipped the covers off, pushing his head back into the pillow. His face itched as he rubbed his hand over it, the gauze from his bandage rubbing across his whiskers. He growled angrily, tired and restless at the same time, not liking the feeling. If she saw him right now, he thought, she'd understand.
"God!" he groaned. "What is the big fucking deal. I want to relax. I need to feel relaxed."
He pushed the button and closed his eyes, shaking off the guilt. It was his decision and his decision alone. He counted down the seconds until relief, not taking into consideration it was the first time he pushed the button when there was really no back pain to ward off, it was purely a mental need.
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Anna came in the next morning carrying two cups of Starbucks and a bag of his favorite blueberry muffins, hoping the conversation from the night before didn't harbor any bad feelings on his part. She however felt bad after hanging up for trying to interfere with his recovery in a way that would leave him in any kind of pain. He'd been working so hard and never complained to her, or anyone else for that matter. The main goal that he strived for was to get home to her and the kids.
As she came closer to the bed she set the coffee and bag down on the table, smiling down at him as he peacefully slept. She went to reach for his hand to wake him when she saw the cord from the Morphine distributor in his hand.
She looked at him again and couldn't deny the disappointment she felt over it, but also had to do what she did best, and that was trust him. If he felt he needed it, then who was she to deny him that ability to relieve the pain, if that's all it was, wondering when the last dose was that he'd taken.
She looked at the machine above his head knowing the right button to push to see the time lapse of how often he'd requested it. She glanced over her shoulder at the door not sure if it was ok or not, and then down at him before she reached up and pushed it.
The small screen displayed the doses over the last twenty-four hours in order, but she was most interested in the last twelve. She pushed the button again and it showed the night before at 5:02 pm, which was when she and the kids were there. She pushed it again, showing a dose at 1:06 am . They had spoken last at around midnight. The same time he had told her he wouldn't take it anymore. She pushed it again showing 3:14 am and the words 'time lock' appeared. She knew that meant he had tried for another dose but was denied. She pushed it several more times seeing the words 'time lock' showing again until the last one at 9:16 that morning, only fifteen minutes before she got there.
She looked down at his face again and knew the peaceful expression that he wore wasn't due to a natural state. She touched his cheek with the back of her hand, slowly gliding it down over his overgrown whiskers, knowing he wouldn't wake up for a couple of hours at least. It was bittersweet, knowing he was at rest and with no pain, yet she couldn't deny her own concern that he might be getting just a little too comfortable with the drug.
She sat down in the chair by the bed and stared at him, arguing with herself. "He knows what he needs. You need to trust him. He's ever let you down before. Trust him." She took in a deep breath and let it out, feeling better as she continued to talk herself out of the disappointment. "He's nothing like Dad was."
She reached through the bars and touched his arm, feeling his warmth as she smiled at him, giving in to the two things that gave her the relief she was looking for. "I love you and I trust you," she whispered to him, letting go her fear.