Drabble:134
A lot of people considered Dimitri to be a good role-model….a paragon of virtue, even, but he knew he wasn't. Dimitri knew that he was flawed, severely flawed and in spite of what others thought, he was not a nice person at all. He was a sinner to his very core…
He'd watched for years as his father beat his mother, as people ridiculed his grandmother, as others branded the commune girls bloodwhores, and he just watched…he didn't react. He was supposed to be the defender, a guardian, but he hadn't...
Dimitri remembered the first time he'd faced a strigoi, and because of his desire to show-off and prove his skills, another guardian had his leg broken…..an ideal person would never have done that, a good person could not fathom doing that. But he had, and he did. He'd spent years at his academy feeling arrogant about his skills; he'd concealed the cockiness, but it always was there, the belief that he was physically and mentally superior to his classmates, and graduating at the top of his class had only fueled his hubris…..
He'd abandoned his home and family without a second thought. It was his duty, of course, but in him, there was a hunger to see the world, to roam far and wide and that's why he'd accepted Ivan Zeklos' offer of guardianship instead of training to become a Royal Guard. But of course, he betrayed his vow to protect his charge's life with his own, because he'd abandoned Ivan for a personal holiday and the boy who'd loved him as his own brother had been butchered by strigoi….
Then, he'd moped around his home, causing his whole family to walk on eggshells around him….he'd disrupted the happiness and peace of his ancestral abode, and instead of helping them, he'd sulked moodily and made everyone anxious and concerned. Then, he'd abandoned them…again…for StVlads…
At the academy, he'd taken up the challenge to train Rose because everyone else considered her to be unteachable and he wanted to prove himself superior. And, he had…but along the way he'd fallen for his 17-year old trusting student, who was still but a child. My god, he had coveted her, and lusted after her, and when she was brave enough to call him on his imperfections, he'd rejected her!
Dimitri had toyed with both Tasha and Roza's hearts-with disastrous results-pretending to be an adult, but he knew deep within that he'd behaved like an immature teenager. Hell, he'd even thrown the masculine equivalent of a hissy fit when Rose had disappeared from the ski-resort. And when Ivashkov had shown interest in Rose, he'd wanted to find a secluded spot and murder the Moroi, all out of jealousy...
Then, after Rose safely returned, he'd let her suffer in anguish because he couldn't think straight around her. It was a while before he'd comforted her, but afterwards, he'd again fallen in the habit of lusting after her, and in the end, he'd deflowered his trusting, innocent Roza while she was still underage, just because he craved her...
And then he'd been turned strigoi…and he'd sinned, time and again. He'd caused unnecessary pain to people and murdered them. Worse, he'd toyed with Rose and her feelings, and after being turned back, he'd buried himself in a sea of self-recrimination. He'd renounced her and been an abusive, obsessed asshole to her, but still she'd forgiven him his foibles and accepted him.
He could spend the rest of his lifetime trying to make it up to her, to be worthy of her, but he knew he never could. She was light and goodness and beauty, and he was damaged…a coward and a fraud. Sometimes, he truly loathed himself, and sometimes everyone else….because of others' expectations he had to hide behind a mask. A mask that hid his true nature from the world…a veneer hiding the real-him..the self that sickened him…
Okay, so this just went morbid…in my defense, listening to Depeche Mode makes me think this way….but, I just wanted to bring up something important. We, any and all of us, have 'disliked' ourselves or been envious of others sometime; some of us struggle with our self-worth and esteem, sometimes for most of our lives, and some of us hide behind masks… Never right, never wrong either….
Majority of the VA family considers Dimitri to be idyllic, so I just wanted to showcase that even perfect people feel imperfect….that even Dimitri-however wrongly-could disapprove and blame himself for things out of his control….
Let me know what you think of it. Cheers!