"Aiyaa..." China really didn't have time for this. First, Russia poking at him, and now Belarus wants China to help her.
"China," Belarus said, "Let me explain. My brother, Russia, only shows interest in you. Well, there was Alaska, but I hear that he was planning on selling Alaska to America. Anyways, if you help me to get Russia to like me, then that means Russia will stop bothering you too."
"Really?" China was thinking about it. Belarus was definitely scarier to work with than Russia, but if he succeeded, Russia might leave him alone, along with Belarus. Two birds with one stone, as they say.
"Alright- aru. But there is one condition."
"Yes? Anything if you can help me."
"You are aware of uniforms students wear when they are taught, correct- aru?"
"Yes? Why? Are you going to give me one of Japan's high school uniforms?"
"No, no, no. Something much more... suitable to my interests-aru."
20 minutes (and the defense of Hong Kong) later...
"There we go- aru. |in this stressful war, it's so nice to see something happy. Belarus! Are you done changing yet?"
"Give it time, old man!" Belarus eventually stepped out from one of China's sliding doors. They were in his house, and China had put tea on the kettle, as Britain would put it. As Belarus stepped out, China nearly had a nosebleed.
"I'm going to kill you once your usefulness has expired, old geezer!" Belarus was wearing a Hello Kitty costume, with the bows and a hole cut out in the face so China could make sure it was Belarus. If Russia somehow stole one of China's H*llo K*tty costumes, he would be in deep crap. He had to make sure it was Belarus.
"You look so CUTE- ARU! Much better than your dress!"
"Just teach me how to get Russia's affection, damn it!"
"Fine, fine. Come with me."
China had walked Belarus down a hallway, until they reached a door that looked quite dusty. As China opened the door, Belarus had a coughing fit, along with China. It was full of dusty chalkboards, calligraphy kits, cooking utensils, and a bunch of classroom stuff
"Forgive me- aru. I haven't used this room in a long time. Ever since my younger siblings grew up, I had no one left to teach. Well- until now, I suppose." China took a feather duster from a cabinet and dusted a desk, a pillow, and the chalkboard.
"I suppose I'm supposed to kneel on that pillow? Don't you have any chairs?"
"Not many, compared to western standards, but Mao is changing that. Hell, Mao Zedong is changing everything about this nation. So much western stuff- aru. Which reminds me, here's a pen. I don't think you can use a calligraphy brush properly."
Belarus kneeled on the pillow, and put her pen on the low level desk. China had taken a bamboo stick and some chalk, and wrote on the black board.
"Alright," he said. "How to get Russia to like Belarus." He had written that down, but Belarus noted something.
"I can't read that."
"Why not- aru?"
"It's in chinese calligraphy."
"Sorry, but I don't know cyrillic alphabet. I only know chinese and english. Besides, this is for my reference only, so you don't need to read it- aru."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, what's the first lesson, teacher?"
Teacher. That was a word China hadn't been called by in a long time.
"First things first," China went, "We spy on Russia. We need to find out why he likes me."
"So we're going to spy on him? Nothing new to me."
"What-aru?"
"Nothing."
"Alright then. I have some binoculars, and some of Britain's camouflage. Let's go"
In Russia's office
"But Stalin," Russia cried. "The troops are poorly equipped! We can't hold up defense against Germany for long!"
"But we must!" A mustached man in uniform replied. "Russia is the worlds biggest country! If Hitler was to gain this much land, do you know how many weapons he could make!?"
"(Sigh...) Da."
"Good. I have to go now. Take care of the place for me while I meet up with America's boss."
"Da."
The door closed, and Russia was left alone, again. The house of the Soviet Union was unusually quiet. Russia wondered why, and he drank his flask of vodka. And then, he realized why.
"Belarus!" He whispered under his breath. She was missing! What could she be doing that would keep her away from Russia for so long? The possibilities ran in Russia's mind.
Did she stop obsessing over me? Or is she taking the war more seriously? Or did she get together with Lithuania? I mean, I ship it, but it is kind of empty now. Oh well. More vodka for me!
The Russian happily drank from his flask, unaware that there was a couple of people hiding in the bush outside of the room Russia was in. A light haired figure was holding binoculars, with a leaf in her hair. She looked at a black haired woman- er, man, who also had a leaf in her- I mean, his, hair.
"I'm not a woman- aru!"
"Keep it down!" Belarus whispered. She then took off her leaf, and turned to China. "Are you sure these leaves are enough to camouflage us? It's just a green leaf."
"It works when Britain does it. Have you seen every time he spies on the Axis in the anime? He always wears has something like that on."
"But it's the middle of winter!"
"Just watch- aru." China then yelled out loud, "FREE VODKA!". Belarus gave China a harsh stare, as she stood up to choke him. China stood up to defend himself, but they realized Russia was staring at them from the window.
"Crap!"
"Watch!"
"Oh," Russia casually said, "Just some trees. How strange that they are growing in winter, Da?" He then turned around to pick up a book from his shelf.
"Duck- aru!" China pulled Belarus down back into the bush.
"How did you- Is this leaf magic? That defied all physics!"
"Knowing the fact that I stole it from Britain, it probably is. Now, use those binoculars I gave you."
Belarus stared through the binoculars. She saw that Russia was reading a book on China. Namely, the food. Belarus then remembered the last winter celebration they had. Because the Union was on hard times, there was just alcohol and pierogies, with a side of borscht. Belarus got up from the bush, and dragged a screaming China with her to the south.
Back at China's home
"Alright China," Belarus began. She handed him a wok and ladle. "Teach me how to cook your cuisine."
"...What- aru?"
"You heard me. The Union isn't doing well financially. I mean, have you seen our military equipment? Maybe China likes your food, because it's so warm and gourmet."
"Well, I can't teach you all of my dishes. Most were over 4000 years in the making. I can get someone who can teach you how to make the food that appeals to westerners the most, however."
"Who's that?"
"HONG KONG- ARU!" China yelled louder than a drunk America singing Ray Charles.
Belarus heard a muffled, but barely hearable reply from south of China's house.
"LIKE, WHAT IS IT!?"
"COME HERE! NOW- ARU!"
"WHY!? DID YOU BREAK A BONE DOING TAI CHI AGAIN!?"
"NO, FOR THE LOVE OF BUDDHA! JUST COME!"
An hour later, Hong Kong took one of Britain's cars to China's house.
"I like, told you to get one of Britain's telephones."
"No need- aru. Phone bill costs money, and our current system seems to be working."
"I spent the whole ride here swallowing cough drops and throat lozenges."
"Western medicine- aru!? You know that's not good for you!"
"Well, I can't have like, a warm bowl of ginger congee* in the car, can I!?"
"Actually, that's why we called you here. Belarus, if you will."
Hong Kong was confused. "Why is Belarus here. Doesn't she stick with Russia? Wait! Don't tell me! You and her are, like, a couple now!"
Hong Kong got a smack from China's bamboo disciplining stick, and a kick from Belarus to the groin.
"Anyways," started Belarus, completely ignoring Hong Kong's pain, "Teach me how to cook your food. China already agreed to teach me how to make char siu fan*, so you just need to teach me how to make dim sum."
"If it makes the pain stop, then sure. China..."
"Yes?"
"When this is over, you're taking me to a hospital to, like, get my balls checked."
"TMI Hong Kong. Now let's get cooking- aru!"
They walked into China's kitchen, where China picked up a rice cooker.
"You just put rice and water in, and press the button- aru! Hong Kong is making the barbecue pork. He will show you how to do it later. Just focus on the rice."
Belarus filled the rice cooker with water and rice. Doing good so far. And then she motioned her finger towards the on button
2 Grueling and Horrifying hours later
"MY KITCHEN- ARU!"
"What?" Belarus was holding a bowl of rice with sliced pork on top. The dish would have looked good, had it not been accompanied by the backdrop of a burning kitchen.
"That's a simple dish," Hong Kong complained, "And I have to teach her how to make, like, dim sum and crap? There's not even a kitchen left to cook in."
"That's why we're going to your house, right" Belarus had said that with deceiving calmness.
"Diu!(Cantonese swear)"
Hong Kong drove China and Belarus to his house to cook dim sum. Belarus was holding the bowl of rice (covered with a bamboo lid, to keep it warm), while China was having a breakdown. China was curdled up in a ball, rocking back and forth.
"My soy sauce... My noodles... My rice wine... My cuisine... gone..."
Hong Kong turned to Belarus. "He hasn't been this shaken up since the Opium Wars with my adoptive dad, Britain."
"I don't think that even H*llo K*tty products will help."
"That reminds me, why are you wearing a H*llo K*tty costume?"
"Stupid China's idea of entertainment."
"Ah. That's nothing. When Britain let me visit China for the weekend, he made me wear a panda outfit."
They eventually reached Hong Kong's house. Not as elaborate as China's, but it suited Hong Kong's needs. Belarus and Hong Kong carried China into the bedroom, where China passed out.
"Thank Lao Tzu he has, like, a feminine figure. Otherwise, we never would have been able to carry him."
"Well, anyways, aren't you going to teach me how to cook?"
"Okay. Just, be careful. My place is small, so the fire would devastate my house."
"I'll try."
They walked into the kitchen, where there were bamboo steamers everywhere.
"I think it's best if we start with a simple dish. Har gow* would be too hard for a beginner. I think making a simple plain steamed bun will be sufficient for now. We can fill it with pork and meat another time."
Hong Kong taught her how to make the dough, which was different from the usual pierogies she made in the Union. Doing good so far. And then she tried to steam it with hot water on the stove.
Another 2 Grueling and Horrifying hours later
"DIU! PUK GAI!" Hong Kong was swearing left and right. He finally lost his cool, to Belarus of all people. "My kitchen! (Sighs) At least you're better than Britain."
"I think I should stick to making Pierogies. I seem to be better at that instead of Chinese food."
"You should try making Japanese food. They eat raw fish, so no stoves for you to horribly abuse."
"Well, drive me to Moscow. I have the food, so I'm good."
"Wait. Like, Moscow in Russia? I don't have enough fuel for that long of a distance. Ask China. He should be awake by now."
Belarus put the buns into a steamer, and together with the rice, she put them into a larger bamboo container. She then went upstairs to where China was. China was not only awake, but listening to one of Hong Kong's radios from Britain.
"China," Belarus interrupted, "Take me to Moscow."
"Oh, you're done? How many dishes did you burn?"
"That's not- well, 17, but thats besides the point, geezer! I'm ready, now take me to Russia!"
At Russia's Place
"It certainly is quiet without Belarus, Da?" Russia was talking to Latvia, who was playing chess with him. Latvia was losing on purpose, so Russia would not be angry.
"Yes it is, Mr. Russia!" Latvia got up to go to the door. Russia looked up from the opposite side of the desk to look at Latvia. And he had taken Latvia's queen too.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm going to make some borscht for you. It's getting colder too. I might as well make you some tea as well."
"That seems like a good idea Latvia."
As Latvia touched the door handle, It opened from the other side, with Belarus on that other side. Latvia nearly fainted.
"Ms. B- Belarus!" Latvia stepped aside for Belarus to walk inside. Russia's smile faded, and was replaced with a facepalm that would make Picard from Star Trek proud.
"My peace and quiet..."
"No need for borscht, brother. I have a present for you. Belarus set down the bamboo box onto Russia's desk. Russia looked up from his facepalm to the box, undoubtedly of chinese origin. Russia then smelled the aroma of rice and pork.
"Food?"
Belarus opened the lid to reveal a bowl of rice with a side of barbecue pork and plain steamed buns. There was also a cup of pu-erh tea on the side.
"I figured our regular food was getting to be boring, so I learned how to make Chinese food. I even made some Tea to replace our boring black one!"
A yell in a cantonese accent rang from behind the window.
"SHE, LIKE, BROKE THE RADIO AND THE TOILET TRYING TO MAKE THAT TEA! SHE DIDN'T EVEN LEAVE THE KITCHEN! IT WAS HELL!"
Russia, ignoring Hong Kong's complaints, dug into the food with glee. He loved the first bite. He let Belarus and even Latvia have some, but Belarus wasn't happy at that. It was for Russia only! Anyone else but her couldn't have it!
"You are a good chef, Da?" Russia finished his tea, while turning to Latvia.
"This is amazing! Can you teach me how to cook like this?"
"No. Now anyways," Belarus said (quite coldly), "Since the food was so good..."
Belarus stood up and stared at Russia with her yandere eyes on.
"Will you marry me now?"
"This food was just trick so you could marry me? Nyet!"
"Well, I should be leaving," Latvia said, almost crying. 'Later!"
As Latvia dashed out the door, Belarus had pinned down Russia, who was crying.
"Marrymemarrymemarrymemarrymemarryme." Belarus was persistent.
"Nyetnyetnyetnyetnyetnyetnyetnyetnyetnyet." Russia was persistent too.
Just then, China burst into the room.
"Belarus, what the hell- aru!?"
"The food didn't work! He liked it, but he still won't marry me!"
"Because you rushed it, aru! Come back here now!"
"But-"
"NOW- ARU!"
Belarus (begrudgingly) released Russia, and walked calmly out of his office.
At China's House
"Why didn't that work!?" Belarus was throwing knives at China, who was blocking them with a wok.
"You rushed it- aru! That was just cooking! There are still things to cover!"
"But I want him now!"
"You can't have him now! An impatient praying mantis will never catch the cri-"
"Shut up with your proverbs, old man!" Belarus had run out of knives to throw. Thank God. China's wok looked like a pin-cushion at this point.
"There are still a few lessons to learn. Just be patient- aru."
"Fine. But I only have so much patience"
Russia's place
Lithuania saw the whole event happen through the window, as he was patrolling for enemies. He saw the food, and the failed marriage attempt too.
"Looks like she took my advice after all. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. At least she isn't as hostile now."
Just as he said that, he was knocked out by a rifle end. The last thing he heard before he fainted was in an italian accent.
"Stupid Lithuania. I'll show that potato bastard Germany to mess with my brothers head!"
*Congee: A chinese rice porridge eaten usually bare with some additions. Ginger congee is a family recipe in my house, but other places have it too.
Char Siu Fan: Barbecue Pork with Rice. A common dish in chinese cuisine.
Har Gow: Shrimp wrapped in a thin transparent wrap. The skill of a Dim Sum chef is judged on Har Gow.