A/N: More angst. I don't know why it is that my Daniel stories always end up so heavy. Anyway, here goes...
Daughter of My Heart, Chapter Twenty-Five
[Set during Meridian]
Daniel's heart thudded in his chest, his pulse very nearly drowning out the alien alarms echoing in his ears.
"This device could explode!"
"We have to remove the core!"
There was enough of the new element in the lab to take out the city, if not the entire continent, providing that Sam's estimates were right.
Sam. The thought very nearly crippled him, as he stared in horrified awe at the spectacle in the lab below. His heart ached as if squeezed by a vice, pumping blood through veins and arteries now too narrow to receive it.
The scientists were down. No one else was moving. Without another thought, Daniel ran for the door, grabbing the handle to yank it open. It was locked. Adrenaline surging, he ripped his gun from its holster, riddling the lab window with bullets to weaken the glass. He was only vaguely aware of Jonas saying something, alarm in his voice. It didn't matter. Someone had to remove that core.
Daniel dove through the broken glass, landing hard. Picking himself back up, he rushed to the device, grabbing for the core. He snatched his fingers back an instant later, already blistering from the touch. Mustering his resolve, Daniel pulled down his sleeves, yanking the overheated Naquadria core from the device.
The device went suddenly dormant, the impending crisis averted. Then reality began to sink in. The radiation. Daniel had just unwittingly exposed himself to massive amounts of radiation trying to prevent the explosion. Shit.
Aside from the fact that he'd probably just caused an interplanetary dispute by stopping the experiment, he may also have just killed himself.
Sam was going to be upset But at least she's safe, Daniel thought, breathing a small sigh of relief.
Footsteps thundered toward him as dozens of guards sprinted toward the source of the alarms, weapons all trained on him. Daniel obligingly raised his hands, surrendering. With any luck, the rest of his team was already on the way. They'd get him home, somehow.
Sam couldn't take it anymore. The accusations. The assignations of blame. It was all meaningless.
"Look," she shouted above the ruckus, Colonel O'Neill, Jonas Quinn, the High Minister, and a dozen different guards all snapping their attention toward her. "While you all stand here arguing about who's fault this is, these men are dying," she growled, gesturing toward the unconscious scientists and Daniel, who looked as if the bomb had gone off after all. She'd never seen him so shaken before.
"Major," the Colonel warned.
"With all due respect Sir, we don't have time for this. We need to get Daniel to the infirmary now."
"He will be taken into custody until this matter can be resolved," the High Minister countered.
"His skin is radioactive. Anyone who touches him is going to get radiation poisoning, same as him. Try to take him into custody, and you're going to lose good men," she warned. "Let us take him home. We have isolation rooms for situations like this."
"Unacceptable," the High Minister replied.
"Minister, there is a very good chance that he will die, even with our best treatments," Sam snapped. "I suggest we tend to our wounded, and sort out the blame later on."
The High Minister glowered at her. "Daniel Jackson is to report back to Kelowna as soon as he is recovered," he growled.
"If he lives, I'll escort him myself," Sam growled back, eyes never leaving the High Minister's face.
"Go," Valis snapped, scowling.
"Move out!," O'Neill ordered, falling in behind Sam as she stormed toward the gate.
Daniel had known he was in trouble, but hearing it from Sam, in such unwavering tones... it made him feel sick to his stomach.
And now, safe in the SGC, with her telling Janet precisely how much radiation she could presume he'd been exposed to, based on her own understanding of the device, he didn't feel so very safe after all.
Janet looked positively stricken as her aides escorted him to the scrubbing station, something which just didn't happen unless someone was in imminent danger...
"It's a lethal dose, Sir," he heard Sam explain.
Of course it was. So much for their peaceful trading mission. So much for...everything.
Sam was holed up in her lab, hiding. Daniel was dying. Daniel was dying and she didn't want to face him. She knew what was happening to him. She knew how precious little time he had left. But she also knew Daniel. Knew that somehow, he'd be the one comforting her, instead of the other way around. Knew that he'd make every moment right up to his last count for something, even if she'd give anything to do away with Crusading Daniel, and just have plain, wonderful, Daniel.
Hot tears rolled down her face, followed by deep, heart-rending sobs.
Five months. They'd had five months together, and now...
Damn it, Daniel! Why now? Why? Why just when things were so good, just when she'd begun to believe in having her cake and eating it too...?
"Got anything?," the Colonel asked, coming up short when he saw her face. "Uh..."
Sam grabbed a tissue, dabbing at her eyes and nose. "Sorry, Sir," she mumbled, desperately trying to pull herself together.
"Hey, no need to apologize," he replied hastily. "Last time I checked, you're allowed to grieve when someone you care for is dying." He flinched at the last word, his own pain momentarily flashing through his eyes.
"I can't save him, Sir," Sam croaked, lips trembling with the effort of suppressed tears.
"I know," he whispered, sitting on the edge of her desk.
"I can't...I can't watch him die," she confessed, fresh tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Sam. I can't order you...but I think you should be there. You're the closest family he has."
Sam sobbed even harder. "God, how am I going to explain this to Cassie?," she asked, her voice breaking.
"Hey. C'mere," he said, standing to pull her into a hug. "You're not alone in this, Sam. Do you hear? Teal'c and I will have your back. Doc Fraiser too. You are not alone."
Sam nodded, tears staining the Colonel's black shirt.
"'C'mon," he whispered, nudging her. "Let's go call 'dad'. Then we'll check in on Daniel, together."
It was getting harder to speak, harder to breathe, and there really wasn't a part of him that didn't hurt right now, but still, Sam hasn't come by. He really wished she would. There were so many things left unsaid between them...like how he really felt. Did she know he'd done it for her, to save her, not really thinking of anyone else? Would she guess?
God, even thinking hurt. Every part of him liquefying, from the inside out...
Don't let me die without telling her.
The Tok'ra would send her dad as soon as they could, though they hadn't been able to say when that would be.
Daniel was asleep by the time they made it to the infirmary. She desperately hoped it wouldn't be for the last time. Making their way to the observation room, Sam and the Colonel settled in to wait alongside Janet.
"He looks awful," Sam breathed, tears prickling her eyes once more.
"It's gonna get a lot worse, and it's gonna happen fast," Janet warned softly.
"We've contacted all our off-world allies," Sam said, trying to feel the hope she meant to convey. "I just wish there was more we could do."
"Sedatives and painkillers, that's all we really can do." Janet shook her head. "You know, I would never normally say this, it goes against everything I've been trained to do, but the truth is, he'd be a lot better off if I..." She trailed off, the thought too awful to finish.
Not that the alternative was any better. If help didn't arrive soon, they were going to lose Daniel, and it was going to be an ugly, agonizing death.
"Carter. What about that doodad from Cimmeria?," the Colonel asked, hope almost shimmering through.
"The Goa'uld healing device?," she asked.
"Yeah."
Sam shook her head. "Sir, I'd have no idea what I was doing with one of those. I could make things a lot worse."
"A lot worse than being vaporized from the inside?," he asked pointedly.
"The Colonel may have a point. Even if you could just buy him some time...," Janet trailed, "or ease the pain..."
Sam nodded. It was better than nothing. Better than sitting here, waiting for the end to come. She stood, ready to fetch the device. Now or never, she thought, heading to the storage locker, taping into the carefully stored memories of Jolinar as she walked.
Please work...
Daniel wanted to smile, but couldn't force his lips to move. Sam. She was warning him. Telling him the inherent dangers of using a device none of them really understood. She could have been reciting Humpty Dumpty for all he cared. He was just glad she'd come.
He nodded his consent, the nearly imperceptible movement sending cascades of pain through his neck and down his spine, radiating to all corners of his body. Hell, she could use a Goa'uld ribbon device on him right now, and it would probably hurt less.
She closed her eyes, concentrating, as she held the device over his body. He could feel the tentative nudge of power, and then, nothing but blinding hot pain. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was her ashen, stricken face.
'Not your fault,' he wanted to shout, but instead, the world went dark.
"Your fate is in your hands."
The words echoed around and around his mind as he came to, momentarily glad to find he was still alive, until the pain kicked in.
Jack was watching him. Waiting.
"Where's Sam?," Daniel croaked, forcing the words past the searing pain in his throat and lungs.
"She's with Janet," Jack replied, sympathetic.
"Wasn't her fault," Daniel managed.
"That's what we've been trying to tell her," Jack replied, a wry smile touching his lips.
"I want to see her," he said. "While I can still talk."
Jack winced. "Jacob's gonna try to make it here, fix you up" he mumbled.
Daniel tried to smile encouragingly, but failed.
"Look, I'm really terrible at this," Jack confessed, looking him in the eye. "But truth is, despite your pain-in-the-ass tendencies, I may have grown to admire you these past five years."
"Touching," Daniel croaked.
"You're my conscience, Daniel. And one of my best friends. I don't want to lose you."
That time, Daniel actually was touched. "Sorry, Jack," he said. "No last minute save this time."
"Hey, don't say that! We've been in..."
"Not worse, Jack," Daniel interrupted. "Never worse."
"There's still a chance..."
"Maybe."
Jack looked down, his hands absently fiddling with the buttons of his BDU shirt. "I'll get Sam," he promised after a moment, finally meeting Daniel's gaze once more.
"Thank you."
Jack nodded, then left, leaving Daniel alone to ponder the echo still ringing through his mind.
"He's asking for you," the Colonel said, lightly resting a reassuring hand on her arm. "You should go in."
Sam sniffled, Janet's arm still draped across her shoulders, holding her tight as if to keep her from falling apart. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea.
"I made it worse," she sobbed, nearly rocking with guilt.
"He doesn't blame you," the Colonel replied. "None of us do. And right now he needs you."
Sam shook her head. "What am I supposed to say? I don't know what I'm supposed to say," she choked through her sobs.
"Say anything at all. Just be there for him," Janet pressed, giving her an extra squeeze. "We'll be right here if you need anything."
Daniel was unconscious by the time she reached the infirmary. It was already too late. He'd slipped into a coma.
Sobbing, she sat there for what felt like an eternity, staring blearily at the man who was her friend, her teammate, her lover... her whole damn world, until suddenly, she knew what she had to say.
"Daniel. I don't know if you can hear me," she said, her voice wavering with emotion, "but I want you to know..." Her voice broke, tears streaming down her face. "I don't know why we wait to tell people how we really feel," she said, lips trembling. "But you have an effect on people, Daniel. The way you see things...You've helped the rest of us see what really matters. You've helped me see what really matters. I'm so sorry we wasted so much time, Daniel. Because the truth is...I love you."
It was the first time either one of them had found the courage to utter those three words. "I love you." Sam's confession filled the odd, dream-like void. He couldn't respond.
"She deems you worthy," Oma pointed out, bringing him reluctantly back to their conversation.
"I've failed as often as I've succeeded," he replied, shaking his head.
"Is that not the nature of mortal life?," Oma replied.
She pulled an image from his memory. Sha're. "You freed the people of Abydos from a great evil," she said.
"But not Sha're," he retorted.
"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."
"You say that, and praise me for my deeds on Abydos, on Kelowna...yet in every instance, it was the needs of the few which motivated me. Sha're, Skaa'ra , Kasuf...I helped kill Ra to free them. And on Kelowna..."
"You chose the love of a woman over your own life," she replied knowingly. "Does our inspiration for great deeds matter more than the deed itself?"
"I don't know. You tell me."
"Listen to the words of your friends," she urged. "Your heart is your strength, Daniel Jackson. It is why I have come."
"Major Carter," General Hammond greeted, watching her pace the hall.
"Sir." The nervous motion stopped as she stood at attention.
"At ease, Major," he said, his own shoulders slumping just a little. "There's no easy way to put this," he began, "but I think it might be in the best interests of Cassandra if she were allowed to say goodbye to her father."
Sam looked back toward the infirmary door, pain evident in her face.
"You won't have to leave, Major," General Hammond reassured softly. "I'll pick her up myself, if it will set your mind at ease."
Not trusting her voice, Sam nodded, dreading what was to come.
Cassie was used to military personnel picking her up at school, or greeting her at the house, usually with some vague explanation as to why her mom, or dad, or Janet couldn't make it. But never, never had General George Hammond met her outside the door to her last class of the day. Her heart sank in an instant.
"Who?," she choked, falling into step beside the General.
He didn't respond at first, guiding her through the crowds of teenagers filling the halls, and through the large double doors of the school. He led her to his car, opening the passenger door, but his face wasn't without emotion. Whatever was going on was affecting him too, and that, more than anything else, scared her.
"Who is it?," she whispered again, buckled into the car.
"Your father," he replied heavily, pulling away from the curb, from the school, from any reality Cassie wanted to know.
She didn't say another word for the rest of the ride.
Sam handed her dad the healing device, stepping back to hold Cassandra. She hadn't said a word, hadn't made so much as a peep since arriving on base. Her eyes stared hollowly at the scene before her, withdrawn, distant. If they lost Daniel, she didn't know if Cassie would ever be the same.
"His condition is grave," Selmak assessed. "I do not know if I can save him. And even if I can, I do not believe I can restore his full, healthy state."
"Do what you can," Sam replied, praying.
Her dad raised the device above Daniel, concentrating with all his might.
Please, Daniel. Don't let it be too late...
"They're trying to save me," Daniel said, startled. "They're healing me, I can feel it."
"Then your journey will continue as before."
Daniel's heart felt as if it would break in two. Here was a once in a lifetime opportunity, to walk amongst the ascended Ancients, to learn what they knew...so much knowledge, so much wisdom, but all at the expense of having to leave Sam and Cassie behind. Could he turn from this without regrets? Could he turn from them?
"What if I'm ready for a new journey?," he asked cautiously, guilt stabbing at his heart even as the words emerged.
"Walking the Great Path brings great responsibility. You cannot fear it nor hesitate in your resolve."
"I understand," he replied. Oh God, I'm sorry Sam... "I'm ready to go with you."
"Then stop them."
Daniel concentrated, pushing beyond himself, searching... Touching Jack's shoulder, he pulled the older man into his own conscious mind, linking them so that his friend could hear.
"Daniel?"
"Tell Jacob to stop."
"Why?," Jack demanded.
"There's something else for me. I'm ready to move on."
Jack cast a furtive glance toward Oma, still hovering on the periphery of Daniel's awareness.
"And this something is worth giving up your daughter, your life with Sam?," he asked pointedly, glaring from Daniel to Oma and back again.
"It's not that simple," Daniel replied. "I love them. I love them both so much...but I think I can do more good this way."
"I think I know a few people who might disagree."
"Please, Jack."
"You've been given a second chance. Not all of us have been so lucky."
"I know. God, trust me, I know. Jack, I don't ask this lightly... It's just something I feel I need to do."
"You're sure?," Jack asked, eyeing Oma skeptically.
"I'm sure," he said.
Jack reached out, beyond their sphere of communication, giving the order. "Jacob, stop."
"What? No!," Sam yelled.
"Sam, it's what he wants," Jack tried, pointedly ignoring her insubordination.
"Like hell it is!," she replied venomously.
"Uh, someone want to tell me what to do here?," Jacob asked, bewildered.
"Let him go," Jack replied, resigned.
"Colonel...," Janet warned.
"I know. I don't like it either," he said. "But it's what Daniel wants."
Sam lunged, but Teal'c was faster. "Do not let your emotions blind you, Major Carter," he intoned softly. "It is a warrior's right to die as he sees fit."
Sam slackened in his arms, sobbing uncontrollably as he held her, and Jacob lowered the device.
"Thank you," Daniel said, drawing Jack's attention.
"This had better be worth it," Jack warned, "or so help me...," he trailed.
"I'm gonna miss you, Jack."
"Likewise."
"Take care of them for me?"
Jack glanced over his shoulder, as if to see Sam still held tight in Teal'c's embrace. "Somehow I don't think I'm gonna be in her person of the month club anytime soon," he replied.
Daniel smiled. "Bye, Jack."
"What. No 'See you around?'"
"I don't know."
"Where are you going?"
"I don't know." Daniel let the words hang in the air, contemplating Oma's dream 'gate. Then, taking a deep breath, he stepped through.
Sam was crying so hard she almost missed the blindingly bright light that filled the infirmary. If Teal'c hadn't loosened his grasp, she may never have looked up. But there, where moments before Daniel's body had lain, was the bright glowing form of an ascended being.
Daniel.
Her heart ached so badly she doubled over in pain, silent tears streaming down her face as the man she loved dissolved into the concrete walls of the base.
Gone. Just like that.
Teal'c had to carry her to her quarters.