Thank you all for your reviews. The story is taking me to places I never imagined when I started it. Sometimes it just seems to close all the doors and it takes me a while to find an open window to get out of the corner I'm backed into.

I'm so ashamed all I want is to disappear. Turn so small I can slide between the pillows of the couch. But ofcourse I can't. Please don't hate me. Please don't hate me now. I can't face you but please don't go away.

I'm so stuck in my own pleas it takes me a while to realize she's trying to get my attention. She gently holds my wrists as I hide my face in my hands. She doesn't try to pull them away, just staying close to me.

Sophia, Sophia, take a look at me. Come on now. You're OK. I'm here and you're OK. I'm here. You're not a bad person. Really, you're not.

How can she say that? Did she not hear what I just said? Did she not understand? Didn't I just tell her what I did? How can she say I'm not bad? Please don't make me have to tell her again. I can't stand having spilled my biggest secret to not have her understand it.

Sophia, you're NOT an abuser. Really, you're not. Come on now. Look at me. You're OK. You did NOTHING wrong. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

Really? She seems convinced but I still can't believe her words. She keeps coaching me to look at her though and I slowly move my hands lower. In the end I can't stay away from her gentleness and caring and I raise my eyes to see her face. Her hands softly move to my hands that she keeps holding. How can she not hate me? It's her next question that makes clear she only needs more information.

Sophia, why did you show her?

Why? Why? I don't know why. What does it matter? I did a terrible thing. Isn't that bad enough?

I don't know.

No, that's a knee jerk. Think carefully why you shared that knowledge with her. Did you want to hurt her?

Ofcourse not.

Did you want to control her? To get pleasure from forcing her actions?

NO! Nothing like that.

I can't believe she's asking me this. Didn't she say I wasn't bad? All the thoughts running through my head confuse me. What does she want me to say?

If you weren't out to hurt her or control her, why did you tell her what to do?

In my frustration I just blurt out an answer:

Because it felt good and I wanted her to feel good too. And I didn't want to be alone with my secret any longer. And maybe...

Maybe what? Just tell me. It's allright.

I was hoping that she would be found out. That she'd spill the secret somehow and they'd start asking questions. And they'd find out about me and they'd stop it.

I can't believe I just said that. Was that all there was to it? Really?

You were just finding another way to ask for help. You did it to ask for help.

Is that all there was to it? I never looked at it that way. All I could ever see was how I was no better than uncle Matthew, passing on the abuse to someone else. My best friend no less. Guilt has kept me stuck in the belief I'm an abuser. The realization that I've turned myself inside out for all these years hurts like nothing else.

I can see the crushing effect my next whispered words have on her:

It's why I didn't trust myself with little children. Why I never wanted any of my own.