Brightsparx, thank you for your thoughtfull words. I look forward to them every time.
Anon, thanks for enouraging me to keep posting.
Suddenly I'm so tired. There's still so much to say but for now I'm all talked out. A bone deep exhaustion makes me just want to close my eyes and go to sleep. This study room is hardly the place for that but the subway ride home seems too much at the moment. She also seems to have heard enough as she moves to get my coat and hands it to me.
Come on, I'll give you a lift home.
I can't help but be grateful for her offering me a ride but part of me feels censored. It's like I've said too much and she can't deal with me and my problems anymore. I'm in a daze as I put on my coat and grab my bag. She holds the door open and I follow her outside to her car and give her my adress.
The streets pass by unseen as we move through the city. I pretend to look out the side window as everything blurs together. I feel her eyes on me a few times, but I ignore it. I'm overwhelmed with feelings. Relief at letting my story out, fear for her reaction as everything must be sinking in, rejection at her stopping the conversation and the pure exhaustion of all the emotions that have come out.
What's going to happen now? My story is out there. At least with her. I can't believe I said all that. I never planned to sat this much. And it obviously is too much. She did break off the conversation. She must hate me so much. Once everything sinks in she'll forget the words she spoke before. I'm afraid to look at her and see the disappointment and disgust on her face. She won't be able to hide it much longer I'm sure.
The tension is rising and I can't wait to be home and get out of this car. I'm near panic when we finally stop and I recognize my appartment building. She puts a hand on mine as I try to unbuckle the seat belt. Please just let me go. Let me escape inside where I can hide from the world.
Sophia, I meant what I said before. You're not a bad person. Really, you're not. You did nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of. It was NOT your fault.
Once more I am drawn to her eyes and I can see she believes what she's saying. I'm still doubting her though and I don't think that will change any time soon.
Just take it easy for a while. I'll call you in a few days, is that allright?
She wants to call me. I'm overwhelmed with relief and stammer out a thank you before rushing upstairs. I don't want to wait for the elevator but the staircase looms before me like a mountain. Walking up four stories is just too much at the moment. Please, please let the elevator be empty.
It is and I'm grateful not to meet any of my neighbours in the hallway. I just don't feel sociable right now and I'm done explaining. All I can do after I close the door is to fall down on the couch. I haven't even taken off my coat and shoes as the last of my energy seeps out of me. I don't care about anything at the moment. Let the world pass me by.