Steve came out of the ocean and pulled the towel down from the tree that was hanging in his backyard. He wiped his face off and then ran it over his head a couple of times drying his hair off, leaving it spiked up until he ran his hand over it, laying it in place.
He sat down in one of the lawn chairs and looked out over the horizon feeling good about the distance he'd just covered by the swim. He was getting stronger every day. It also gave him a chance to think more clearly. A swim could do wonders for his subconscious, thinking amusingly that he should have spent more time in the water before rehab; maybe he would have caught on to his stupidity sooner.
This swim he focused mainly on Eric. He couldn't get over the look of hatred that he gave him the day before at the grocery store. It had bothered him all night as well. He owed him an explanation, not quite sure what that was going to be just yet, but he owed him something, an apology more than anything and a chance to plead for a renewed friendship. But by the look he'd given him Steve was pretty sure it was going to be a difficult conversation, but still, it was one that needed to be had, and soon.
He had an idea of the setting of where it could take place, but that was up to Anna. He had to ask her permission first, not sure that she would even let him take Jenny and Eric. He couldn't blame her if she didn't, having a back up plan just incase.
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Anna lay back on the couch, staring at the ceiling. Eric and Jenny were gone to school and the house was quiet. She was alone with nothing but the endless thoughts of the man that was back living next door. She'd replayed the phone call a thousand times in her head and the conversation the day before. It seemed odd to her that they had been so intimate at one time and now it was as if they were strangers again. The worst part was she didn't know how to break out of it. She wondered if he felt the same way. She didn't know anything about this new person that she ran into the day before either. It looked like Steve but he seemed apprehensive with her, where as at one time he used to be assertive, but in a good way.
She smiled recalling the time he carried her up the stairs and then peeled her clothes off, making love to her in the sweetest way. The absolute pleasure of it was still fresh in her mind, knowing that day was only the beginning of what he had to offer sexually. That wonderful sensation rippled through her even now just thinking about it. Her body reacted to the memory as she closed her eyes feeling his hands on her, moving slowly over her, ever so patient and gentle. She swallowed down the saliva in her throat as she recalled how his lips would go from hers', to her neck, to her shoulder, to her breasts, always making her feel desired but no more so than when he would kiss her.
They were deep and along with the wonderful strength and control that he maintained between her legs, sometimes the combination of the two would prove explosive, leaving her dazed but always satisfied.
Her fantasy came to a halt from the knock on her front door. Her eyes flew open and she took in a deep breath as if she'd been holding hers. She went to sit up and felt her head swirl just a bit as she came off the couch, sitting back down again and then laughing off her morning erotica as she pushed off the couch again going to the door. She knew it was Adam. He emailed her the night before, telling her he was going to bring over the long overdue final documents that she needed to sign after taking the house off the market.
She felt the tingling in her body subside due to the person at her door, but the second she opened it that wonderful sensation returned. The man who had been fulfilling that fantasy was standing in front of her.
He had prepared himself for seeing her, even going as far as taking an extra minute before knocking to mentally work out the nerves. He needed this for Jenny and Eric, no matter how awkward it might be for him, or her. He'd just get it over with quick
All his preparedness and confidence was blown to hell the second she opened the door. Her face was flushed and her lips red and full like they used to be after he would kiss her. The dark blue T-shirt she had on did little to hide her perfectly shaped breasts, bra or no bra. Her long tanned legs were barefoot and she wore a pair of short cut off jeans that covered the lower part of her body that he knew for a fact was just as perfect as the rest of her. In all sense, she was as good as naked standing there in front of him, clothes or not. His eyes only saw her the one way.
"Hi," she smiled, not expecting it to be him.
He had to start from scratch, searching for that composure amongst the world of fantasy that had him lost at the moment, wishing he could just kiss her and get it over with. It would put them back to where they belonged and everything would be good again. But times were different now.
"Are you busy right now," he asked, trying his hardest not to scan her body with his eyes.
"No," Anna replied, 'I'm just laying on the couch fantasizing about your hands all over me,' she thought, bending her head and grinning. She looked back up at him. "Do you want to come in?" She stepped back opening the door for him.
He glanced inside, remembering a time when he didn't have to be invited in because he practically lived there. He wanted to go inside but held back, not feeling like he had the right to, not just yet. "No, thanks. I wanted to ask you something."
Anna's smile faded over the declined invitation.
"I was wondering if it would be ok with you if I took Jenny and Eric out for dinner, maybe for pizza or something? I think I owe them an explanation about everything that happened, especially Eric." He shifted his weight, feeling that awkwardness that he had tried so hard not too. He ran his hand over his hair not sure what he was supposed to do with his hands; anytime he'd been near her, they were on her.
His uneasiness of being there was so obvious that Anna was almost becoming annoyed with it, even more so than his need to explain himself to the kids and not one mention of an explanation to her of his phone speech. She wasn't supposed to give up on him but what was she supposed to do, wait? Wait until he decided she'd waited long enough, and how long was that?
When she didn't answer right away he began to fear that he had broken her trust so much that she didn't want him taking them. "I understand Anna if you don't want me to take them someplace. I can work something else out, but I'd really like to talk to them."
She nodded knowing he was right; putting aside her anger realizing the kids came first. They always had in their relationship; he knew that and was putting them first now like it should be. "I think that's a good idea. When?"
His pleasure over her approval showed. "Whenever is good for you."
She shrugged, "How about tonight?"
Another surprise. "Sure. What time would be good?"
"I'll send them out at…five?" she asked, leaning against the door, watching as his uneasiness vanished in the blink of an eye. It dawned on her then that it wasn't being around her that made him nervous, it was her re- action toward him that made him nervous.
He nodded his approval, "Ok. I won't have them out late."
Anna shrugged, "It's ok."
She was being so generous he felt bad for leaving her out of the equation, even though he wanted it to be just the three of them. "You can come if you want. I mean if you think it would be better."
She was pleased that he offered her an invitation, not sure if it was because he felt he should or if he really wanted her to come. It didn't matter either way; she felt it would be better if she weren't there. The three of them needed this time together, especially he and Eric. "Thanks, but I think it would be better if I stayed home. You three go and don't worry about time. Take as much as you need."
She was surprising him around every turn. He looked upon her now not as the sexual object of his desire, but the thoughtful, kindhearted woman that he'd fallen in love with. "Thank you, Anna."
She fell right back under his spell, completely taken in by just a look that could level her where she stood. She hadn't seen it in a while, almost forgetting how good it felt. How incredibly good he could make her feel, even without his hands.
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"Eric," Jenny knocked on his bedroom door. "Come on, it's five o'clock Anna said we can go now."
"I already told you I'm not going," he yelled out to her.
She tried to open the door but could feel his hand on the doorknob, holding it. "Eric?"
"Go away Jenny!"
She let go and angrily stomped her foot. "I'm not waiting for you. I'm going right now!"
"Fine!"
She turned and saw Anna standing on the top step of the stairs. "He doesn't want to go, but I'm going." She went past her down the stairs. "He's being mean again."
Anna went to the door and knocked once before opening it. She looked down at him as he did his homework. "Eric…"
"I don't want to go," he said without looking up, turning the page of his math book.
Anna squatted down holding the end of his desk. "Put down that pencil and look at me," she demanded.
He huffed, but did as he was told, sitting back in the chair and stubbornly crossing his arms.
"I think you should go and hear what he has to say."
"I don't care what he has to say."
"Eric," her voice turning sympathetic, she pleaded with his compassionate side. "He was your friend, your best friend. He made some mistakes. He knows that, and now all he wants to do is try and make up for that. He just wants a chance to say he's sorry."
He uncrossed his arms, playing with a piece of string that hung from his shirt hem. "I'm still mad at him."
"I know you are. And you have ever right to be angry, but Steve is just a person like you and me. I know you expect more from him because you loved him so much and respected him so much, but he makes mistakes just like everyone else. And you know if the tables were turned, he'd sit down with you and listen. Don't you think he deserves that same respect from you?" She stood up looking down at him, feeling she had made her point. "He just wants a second chance to be your friend again, that's all."
Steve stood next to his truck and smiled as Jenny came out the door and started running over to him. He looked beyond her and his smiled faded, not seeing Eric. He knew it was a fifty-fifty chance but had hoped for the best.
"Hi Steve," Jenny said, slamming into his waist hugging him.
"Hi sweetie." He put a hand on her, hugging her back. "Is Eric coming?"
She looked up at him angrily. "No! He's being stupid again."
"Don't say that. He's angry and that's ok. I'll talk to him another time." He felt his heart sink over his absence, knowing the longer it was put off the worse it could get.
"Can we still go?" Jenny asked hopefully.
He smiled down at her. "Absolutely." He picked her up and set her inside the back door of his truck. "Buckle up for pizza and ice cream."
Jenny climbed on the seat and sat down, pulling the seat belt across her body. "Are you going to have worms in your ice cream?" she laughed.
"Of course," he replied double-checking her strap. "I've been craving some worms."
He closed the door and got in the driver's seat glancing over at their house as he started the engine. He couldn't help but feel wounded over the absence of Eric. He missed him, knowing now more than ever that he'd done some serious damage to that friendship, not sure where to go from here in his attempt to reconcile with him.
He began to drive down the street when he heard his name being called. He stopped and looked over his shoulder, seeing Anna waving at him with Eric next to her.
"Go on," Anna said to him.
He hesitated for just a second and then began to run toward the truck, relieved that he had caught them before they left. He was still mad at him, really mad, but he also couldn't deny that he missed his friend, that and along with Anna's guilt trip he decided to go after all. But he wasn't going to forgive him if he didn't feel like it.
Steve reached over and opened the passenger side door, inviting him to sit up front with him.
Eric climbed in and closed the heavy door, pulling his seat belt across his shoulder.
"I'm glad you changed your mind," Steve said to him. "Thanks for coming."
Eric gave him a side-glance and a small shrug. "Ok."
He put the truck in gear as he and Jenny locked eyes in the rear-view mirror. She smiled happily as he winked at her, both glad they were all together just like old times. Jenny began to hum a tune as they continued on to the pizza place.
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Jenny set her second piece of pizza back on her plate and shoved it across the table toward Eric. "Do you want the rest of my pizza, Eric? I don't want no more. I'm full."
He didn't reply but just pulled it over in front of him, finishing off his second piece.
Steve leaned back and reached in his pocket, taking out a wad of bills, handing three ones to Jenny. "Do you want to go play some video games?"
"Yes!" she replied happily, taking the money.
"Stay right over here where I can see you, ok?"
"Ok," Jenny agreed, sliding out of the booth. She didn't invite Eric, knowing Steve wanted to talk to him alone. He had told her so when Eric had gone to the bathroom before the pizza came.
Steve wiped his mouth off and picked up the pitcher of pop and refilled Eric's glass as he watched him devour Jenny's slice. "I swear, pretty soon I'm going to have to start ordering two pizzas."
Eric ignored the statement, barely saying two words since he'd got in the truck.
Steve sat back in the seat, deciding not to dance around the subject anymore. They both knew why they were there. "I know you're pissed at me Eric, and that's ok. I deserve it."
Eric set his slice down and sat back in the seat, swallowing down the bite in his mouth, but still refused to look at him.
Steve was pleased at least he had his attention, even though the scowl on his face was intimidating. "I did some pretty bad things that I regret, but I never meant to hurt you and Jenny or Anna. That's the last thing I wanted, but…"
"You made Anna cry," he blurted out, thinking Steve's words were stupid because if he didn't mean to hurt them, then why did he? "She cried all the time! She tried to act like she wasn't but she did! And it was all because of you!"
All the shame and guilt he'd felt in that past over what he'd done was in no comparison to what he felt now. He knew the impact of his actions had affected each one of them, but hearing it laid out so brutally from someone who had experienced it first hand was devastating. "I know," he replied, his voice expressing the pain that was engulfing him. "I think about it every second of the day, Eric, knowing what I did to all of you. I wish I could go back and change it, but I can't, and I to live with that. I know you don't want to hear it right now, but I'm sorry." He felt his throat closing up watching as Eric tried to fight off the same tears.
"Everything changed because of you," he said bitterly and then looked up at him narrowing his eyes, showing the anger he felt over his actions. "Are you still taking drugs?"
"No," Steve quickly replied, "no I'm not, and I won't ever again. I made a mistake Eric. I can sit here and give you every excuse in the book why I did those things, but the bottom line is I screwed up. I take full blame for what happened and it hurts, it hurts really bad. I don't know if it will ever go away. The only thing I can do is move forward and hope that I can make it up to the people I hurt." He wasn't so sure Eric was going to be one of them. "I thought about you while I was gone. I thought about you a lot. It scared me more than anything that you'd never forgive me."
Eric wiped his hand over his eyes and sniffed. "I hated you."
"So did I," Steve confessed. "Once I stopped taking the drugs and saw who I was. I hated me too."
Eric looked up at him, hearing someone else speaking even though it was Steve in front of him. He was shocked over the tears that were visible in his eyes too, never imaging Steve would ever cry, over anything.
"I'm sorry Eric. You have no idea how sorry I am. I wanted you to come tonight because I was hoping that I could convince you of that, but now as I sit here…I don't think pizza and ice cream is the cure. I have to prove myself to you, and I will. I'll do whatever it takes to gain back your trust and respect."
Eric stared at him. It wasn't going the way he thought it would. He pictured Steve saying he was sorry and that was all. But the conversation between them wasn't just an apology after all. He didn't know the word validated, but he knew the feeling and with Steve's confessions of regret and guilt over what had happened, he finally felt all the anger and hurt he had experienced over the last couple of months was finally being validated.
Jenny came up and slid in the seat next to Steve, "Are you friends again?"
He looked over at Eric and who smiled slightly over Jenny's blunt question. Steve put an arm around her body and pulled her over closer to him. "Are you broke already?" He tickled her waist when he did.
Jenny squirmed and laughed. "Yes! If you want to talk some more, you have to give me more money." She held her hand out to him.
Steve shook his head and looked over at Eric, "Take a look Eric." He took ahold of Jenny's hand. "When you get a girlfriend you better have plenty of cash on hand because the bill is always yours." He slapped another three dollars in her palm.
"I'm not your girlfriend," Jenny giggled, "Anna is your girlfriend." She looked up at him. "Are you going to get married again now that you're all better?"
He was at a loss for words over that question. The answer at the moment was no, but he refused to say it because somehow saying it out loud would make it final and he hadn't given up on them just yet, hoping Anna hadn't either. He didn't know what to say.
"Don't be so nosy, Jenny," Eric butted in, knowing she was too little to understand how touchy that subject was. "Come on," he said to her as he got out of the booth. "I'll play you a game of Skeet Ball."
Eric smiled uneasily at Steve as if trying to convey to him that he was sorry for his little sister's question. But they both knew she didn't know any better. He watched them go over to a game and slip the money inside the slot and begin to play. Eric being the ever-diligent big brother helped her so she could achieve the highest score. It was like watching a movie of he and Mary when they were younger. It was just as Emily had said. Eric was just like him. They were identical in their stubbornness to forgive, but even more so in the way Eric tried to protect him by diverting the painful subject of Anna. In the end his compassion outweighed his stubbornness and even his anger. They were exactly alike in that way too. He felt he'd made some good headway with Eric, but knew he was still a long way off from things being like they used to be.
He smiled at the two of them as they jumped up and down after getting the ball in the highest awarded hole. But his smile slowly faded, realizing there was only thing missing from this perfect picture, it was Anna.
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Eric got out of the truck and came around the other side as Steve helped Jenny get down.
"I'm going to take Anna her ice cream before it melts," she said, running across the yard with a cup of Anna's favorite flavor in hand.
Steve walked behind her with Eric next to him. "Thanks for coming tonight."
"Thanks for the pizza and ice cream."
"You're welcome." He smiled down at him even though he wasn't looking up, feeling good about the results of the night. It could have gone either way.
Anna came to the door as they made their way across the yard, holding her ice cream. "Thank you," she said to Steve.
"You're welcome." His smile grew.
She put a hand on Eric's head. "Do you have homework to finish up?"
"Yes." He glanced over his shoulder at Steve, "Bye. I'll see ya later."
"Later Eric."
They watched him go up the stairs and then turned to each other. The few seconds of awkward silence was broken by both of them talking at the same time.
"Sorry what?" Steve said.
"What? You go ahead, "Anna replied.
"No, go ahead what were you going to say?"
"I was just going to say that it looked like it went well."
"I think it went pretty well. We had a good man to man. I said my peace and he said his."
Anna smiled over that. Not sure what to say to him. Another awkward silence was broken as Jenny came down the hallway from the kitchen. She went straight up to Steve and put her arms around his waist, hugging him. "Thank you for taking us tonight." She looked up at both of them. "Next time Anna has to come too." With that she let go and dashed up the stairs.
"And then there's Jenny," Anna replied. They both laughed uncomfortably over her suggestion neither one sure which way to go in the conversation from there.
"Thanks for letting me take them tonight." He wanted to say he wished she were there with them, but didn't. Eric's words of what life was like for them after he was gone was still raw, not sure what he could say to her to get himself back to the place they used to be.
"I'm glad you did." She wondered when and if she were going to get the same respect as Eric and Jenny. Was this it? Was this going to be the extent of their relationship? Awkward conversations standing at the door after he spends a rewarding night with the kids, as if they were some divorced couple with nothing to say? There was plenty to say. She could feel her anger building over his silence.
Emily's words were tearing at his gut, telling him to speak up. Anna was one of those people he needed to open up too. She was the one that needed it the most but he didn't know where to start. She stared at him with those intense blue eyes. He swore on his life she was the only person alive that could make him shake in his shoes.
She got tired of standing there feeling like a fool. "I should get the kids ready for bed." She went to close the door when he put a hand on it.
"Anna."
She looked up at him, waiting again. He wanted to say something she could clearly see that. "What?! What? What do you want to say?" She lost her temper regretting it, but he was making her so frustrated.
"I wish you had been there with us tonight."
She narrowed her eyes at him, bewildered over that. Of all the things he could have said, that was it? That's what she got?
"Anna!" Jenny yelled from the top of the stairs. "We're supposed to wear purple tomorrow and my purple shirt is dirty."
She gave him about three more seconds and then said what she wanted to say. "I'm not some stranger living next door to you. I went through the worst with you and now you can't even share the healing part with me? You wished I were there tonight, for what Steve, to round out that perfect little image of a family to make yourself feel better about everything? Well, I'm not some imaginary placement piece in your fantasy. I deserve more than just a phone call asking me to not give up on you. You think just because you ask I'm going to jump? You're going to have to do better than that. If you ever want that fantasy to become a reality again you're going to have to work harder than that."
"What do you need Anna?" he asked, hoping she would just tell him. "Tell me what you want me to do? I'll do it."
She shook her head at him, still amazed that he didn't get it. She didn't want to tell him, she needed him to tell her. She wasn't even sure what that was, but she knew it had to come from him and it had to come from the heart or it would just be a cliché'. They couldn't go back to their old relationship. It didn't exist anymore. No matter how bad he or she wanted it, too much had happened to go back now. They'd become different people because of it. All they could do was move forward. She needed to know who this new person was standing in front of her and she needed to be able to tell him how it had changed her, but all he wanted to do was just skip the dirty work and jump into the bliss.
Jenny came down the stairs holding her purple shirt.
Anna looked at the tense expression on his face as he stood there anxiously waiting for her to tell him what he needed to do in order to get back to their lives. "I have to go," she replied irritably. "I have more important thing to do right now than explain the fundamentals of your pardon. To lay it out in terms that you can understand Steve…" she stepped back inside the house. "Figure it out for yourself." With that she closed the door, leaving him standing there bewildered and feeling like he'd just been scolded for not knowing what one plus one equaled.
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He came in the house and closed the front door, taking the first seat he could find. It ended up being the coffee table. His mind was racing wondering what he had done or what he had said to her that caused the hostility that had come on so quickly. He tried to play back the scene in his head and her words but it was all very confusing. His fear of losing her over something so foolish was playing havoc over his ability to reason things out.
He needed to calm down, feeling an attack approaching as he looked over toward the kitchen, knowing in the other room was a cure. His head began those mind tricks again that told him just one wouldn't hurt; he could take just one and that was all. It would be fine. He could handle just the one.
He stood up and went in the kitchen and past the cupboard reaching for his cell phone.
He dialed Emily's number as he went out the back door down toward the water, wanting to get as far away from the kitchen as possible. Luckily she answered on the second ring.
"Steve, how are you?" she said, but her voice was clearly showing her concern over the call, knowing it was him from the caller ID.
He sat down on the edge of the grass that stepped down to the beach. "Hey, I'm not bothering you am I?"
She wanted to reach through the phone and smack him in the head for that reply. "Of course you're not bothering me. Tell me what's happening."
"I saw Anna tonight." He rested his head in his hand still confused. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do. She got so mad at me. I don't know why. I came home and I don't know but it all came on so fast. I keep trying to talk myself into just one pill."
"Don't tell me you don't know what happened, Steve," Emily began, "as if this is some new venture you're dealing with. You know very well what's happening, the question is, how are you going to deal with it?"
"I left the house. I'm outside now."
Emily sat up in her chair. "What do you mean you left the house? Do you have pills in the house Steve?"
He knew she'd blast him for that, but he wouldn't lie to her, not Emily. "Yes."
She felt maybe she'd made a mistake releasing him early. "Have you taken any?"
"No!" he said adamantly. "No! That's not why I have them. I need them Emily. I need them as a reminder of what I don't want and believe it or not they're like a crutch helping me move forward to what I do want."
She believed him when he said he hadn't taken them but his having them was textbook wrong, but somehow his explanation seemed rational to her, only because it was Steve. Anyone else and she probably would have been in her car, driving there. "I'm going to set up an appointment with you tomorrow and I want you to bring the pills with you, ok?"
"I'm not taking them Emily, I swear it."
"I believe you Steve, but I can't justify you having them in the house. I don't know why you always feel like you have to test yourself."
"I just do. It helps me."
"No it doesn't. Stop setting yourself up for failure. All you're doing is punishing yourself over and over for being bad. You're not bad Steve and whatever happened with Anna tonight, it doesn't change the fact that you're still in the healing process. Did you talk to Anna about that? Did you tell her about being here and what you went through and how you felt about what you did to her?"
"Why? She doesn't want to hear about that stuff. She lived it."
"That's exactly what she wants to hear and what she needs to hear. You hurt her! She needs to know that you know that! It's what we talked about. They need to hear you loud and clear Steve. Anna can't hear you if all you do is say you're sorry. Sorry isn't going to cut it."
He heard Emily loud and clear that was certain. Her lectures never left him asking why a second time. "Do you know she needs to hear those things from me because of your job," he grinned, "or because you're a woman?"
"Both!" she snapped out her reply without even having to think about it. "So if you won't listen to me as your guidance counselor, then listen to me because I'm 100% woman and I know what Anna wants and it isn't some lame ass apology. You're good looks aren't going to win you over this time sweetheart, you're going to have to dig deep and spill the goods."
Steve laughed, "You always know how to put things in perspective for me, Emily."
"That part is my job," she was pleased to hear him laugh, feeling confident that he was back on the right track, even more pleased that he had reached out to her. "Even if you do have that talk with Anna, Steve, don't expect to jump right back in to where you left off. To be honest, that house has been torn down, but the foundation is still there, build on that and let her help you, by the time you're all finished your relationship will be stronger than it ever was."
He loved her scenarios that always seemed so simple. "So by 'foundation' do you mean the love or the friendship?"
"Both, but you can't have love without friendship. Start there. You can never have too many friends."
He knew she was right; she was always right. "Thanks for picking up."
"Thank you for calling me. I want you to meet me at my office tomorrow at eleven sharp, and bring those pills. Do you hear me?"
Steve smiled, "Yes, ma'am loud and clear."
"Good, now go write something in your journal and go to bed."
Steve laughed again. "Ok." His voice became overly sincere. "Thank you Emily."
"You're welcome honey. Sleep well and I'll see you tomorrow."
He hung up and continued to sit on the edge looking out at the dark ocean in front of him, feeling content and once again at ease. Emily was right; he needed to start from scratch with Anna. "Dinner, " he thought, what better way to start a relationship than to simply ask her out on a date. It's where they began before; he smiled as he pushed himself up off the ground, thinking about how their last first date had ended, "best night of my life," he smiled happily, going inside the house to follow the orders of his mentor.
He walked past the spice cupboard without even giving it a second glance.
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Steve came out of his house on his way to see Emily and glanced over at Anna's. He couldn't see her but knew she was home. He was going to get this meeting out of the way with Emily, holding the bottle of pills in his hand, and then he was going to come home and pay Anna a visit.
It was a good morning. He'd slept through the night, which he hadn't done in a long time, feeling recharged and more energized than he had in a long time as well. He'd done as he was told and wrote another letter to Anna in his journal, telling her exactly what his plan was in building that new house, confident that with Emily's guidance along the way that that house was going to be hurricane proof.
He started to back his truck out of the driveway and stopped in front of Anna's house, seeing her walk by the front window. He felt the urge to do it now and put the car in park and climbed out, leaving it running and sitting in the middle of the street.
He walked up to her door and knocked.
Anna looked out and saw his empty truck and then him standing at her door. She ran her hands over her hair, still feeling slightly guilty over her behavior the night before, but was glad she had said what she did. Maybe she had lit a fire under his ass like she felt he needed. She stood before the door and took a deep breath, preparing herself for whatever he had to say, good or bad.
"Hi," Steve smiled, feeling his heart do a sudden leap at the woman standing before him. God what she could do to him? It was brutal. "Do you want to have dinner with me tonight?"
Anna wasn't prepared for that in the least. "I…um…" she was flabbergasted at his attitude that was like the complete opposite of the night before. "Well, the kids?"
"No kids, just you and me."
She smiled over that, her mind racing on whom she could get to watch them. She was so caught up in the idea of going with him someplace alone that she hadn't even responded yet to the question.
Steve leaned in just a bit not sure what was going on in that beautiful mind, but could see by the expression on her face that she was working fervently on an answer. "Are you…thinking yes…?" he asked, hopeful.
Anna looked up at him. "Yes," she laughed nervously. "I'm sorry, yes. I'm just trying to think of who could watch the kids."
"If it comes down to it, we can have dinner at my house. I'll throw some steaks on or something" he shrugged, "I don't know. I don't care, we just need to talk."
She was stunned again, wondering if her outburst the night before had shed some clarity into that handsome head of his. She didn't know and she didn't care, he wanted to talk and that statement alone set her heart racing. "Ok," she replied.
Steve's grin widened as he backed up off the porch, not wanting to be late with Emily. "Ok, I'll see you tonight then. I have to run."
Anna leaned against the doorframe and watched him run to his truck and jump in. She waved at him as drove off down the street.
"I swear that man is going to give me an aneurism some day," she said shaking her head with a grin. "But I bet I die with a smile on my face," she giggled as she shut the door.
Steve approached the steps of the rehab center, recalling his first day there as he walked the same path. It was only a few weeks earlier, but it seemed like a lifetime.
He was anxious to tell Emily about his date with Anna and hadn't even had a chance to tell her yet about he and Eric's breakthrough the night before, eager to fill her in on all the good news. He gripped the pills in his hand, not feeling the craving for them in the least. He was on a mission and there was nothing going to stop him. Nothing.
He smiled as Mark came out the doors, greeting him.
"Hey Mark. How ya doing?" But as he approached him the smile on Steve's face faded, seeing a devastating expression on Mark's.
"Steve," he began and then stopped, bending his head trying to find the strength to tell him.
"Are you all right? What's going on?" His concern and empathy was on overdrive over the distraught way in which he looked.
"It's Emily," he whispered.
Steve felt a shiver run through his body as he held his breath, feeling suddenly cold in the eighty-degree heat.
Mark forced himself to look up at him as fresh tears filled his eyes. "She passed away in her sleep last night, they," he paused gulping for air, "they think it was a heart attack."
Steve stared at him in disbelief as the news slowly made its way in, crashing down all over him until he could feel the pressure so tightly in his chest that he had to gasp just to get a breath and even then it wasn't enough to sustain him as he tried to get another, feeling like he was suffocating.
"I'm so sorry," Mark cried. He reached out taking him by the elbow, seeing the shocked in him turn to misery. "Come inside, Steve. We can talk."
He turned away from him, "No. I gotta go." He couldn't go in there. This wasn't happening, he told himself, hearing his name being called but continued on to his truck, not looking back and wanting to deal with another loss in his life. He couldn't do it. He wouldn't do it.
He slammed the door of the truck and started the engine, squealing the tires as he backed up and took off, not seeing Mark standing on the edge of the parking lot, calling for him to stop.
How dare she leave him, he thought angrily. She knew how much he needed her. How dare she abandon him! She was just like everyone else. He should have known better than to let himself get caught up in that kind of security, in that kind of trust. He gripped the steering wheel as tears began to form, hearing a car honk as he blew through a stop sign trying to keep the truck straight wanting to veer off the road and slam it head on into a light post.
He came down his street not even knowing how he made it home through the haze and confusion; his anger building as he cursed her for bailing on him. The truck came to halt as he slammed on the breaks sliding sideways as it came to a stop, barely missing the fence. He kept his hands on the steering wheel, hearing his cell phone buzzing as it lay on the passenger side floor from the reckless driving. Danny's face shown and then vanished as the call went to voice mail, but in a matter of seconds he called again, and again.
But after the first call his attention wasn't on the phone anymore, it was on the bottle of pills lying next to it. Steve stared at them, letting the weaker side of his conscience play off the misery by telling himself it was justified. The pain that was inflicting him was too much to deal with on his own. He could see more clearly and think more rationally if he could just make the pain go away. With that thought he reached down and picked up the bottle, forgoing the fourth call from Danny.
He popped the top off and let them fall into his hand, seeing seven of them.
"Seven," he thought, elated over the amount, knowing that could sustain him for hours. He could feel the euphoric rush already from the drug, but in that same second he could also feel the withdrawals of what it was like not to take them.
He closed his hand into a fist trying to fight off that feeling, not wanting to be reminded of it. The phone buzzed again and he looked down seeing Danny's face. The guilt over what he was wanted to do jumped up and bit him hard.
He needed to get away from Danny's calls that were beginning to irritate him. It was his life; he could live it the way he pleased. If he needed this then it was his choice, no one else's.
He got out of the truck with the pills tightly held in his fist, still battling with his inner demons, not able to take them and not able to throw them away either. He couldn't even call Emily for help, that thought alone tore through him with a vengeance, leaving him crippled to his own willpower.
He went in the house and into the kitchen, taking a glass out of the sink and filled it with water.
Anna came out of the shower and reached for her cell phone that was charging on the nightstand, seeing Danny's name appear. She had left a message for him earlier asking about Gracie's ability to babysit for her that night, so the call was expected, but what she didn't expect was his reply when she answered.
"Hi Danny."
"Are you home?!" he asked frantically.
"Yes, why? What's…"
"Is Steve's truck outside his house?"
"Danny what's going on?"
"Just look and tell me if he's home!"
She quickly came out of the bedroom and into Jenny's, looking out the window and seeing his truck parked erratically in the driveway. "Yes, his truck is there. Danny you're scaring me. What's going on?!"
He felt a sigh of relief knowing at least Anna was in close vicinity. He was racing over from Makaha, which was at least a twenty-minute drive even with his lights and siren on. "You need to go over there and check on him. I got a call from Mark one of the counselors at the rehab center." He paused feeling the hurt for his best friend, knowing without a doubt the set back and chaos this was going to cause Steve. "Emily passed away in her sleep last night."
"Oh my God," Anna whispered in shock over that, feeling the same pain for him that Danny did.
"Steve had an appointment with her and when he showed up they broke the news to him. Mark said he was clearly upset but it was the anger he saw in him that has us worried."
She looked out the window again at his truck and understood now why it was parked so haphazardly. The memory of her father rose up and washed over her, leaving her paralyzed with fear. The situation was becoming all too familiar for her. She dropped the phone and ran out of the bedroom and down the stairs, almost tripping and falling over her urgency to get to him.
She raced across the yard, not taking the time to go around the truck that was blocking the gate, but went over the fence, barely breaking stride as she did so.
She slammed into the front door and swung it open. "Steve!" she screamed out as it hit the back wall. "Steve!" she called out again, running into the kitchen first. A broken glass lay shattered on the counter.
She then came back out, looking up the stairs and seeing him sitting on the floor, slumped down in the corner of the upstairs hallway just staring down at her.
She felt a wave of relief but his expression told her he wasn't all right. She started to go up and noticed spots of blood on the steps leading up to him. She ran up the rest of the way and knelt down in front of him.
He never once took is eyes away from her.
"Steve," she began, her voice shaky as her adrenaline coursed through her. "You're bleeding. You didn't hurt yourself did you?"
He didn't respond but just held her gaze as if he was transfixed on her image before him. She felt her heart go out to him, never seeing anyone look so sad before in her entire life. She reached out and took his hand that had the blood and turned it over, seeing a small piece of glass in his lower palm, relieved that it wasn't self inflicted. She looked up at him but said nothing as his penetrating stare moved through her.
Her gentle touch was the first physical contact he'd had with her since the day he'd pinned her against the wall, demanding his pills. It was the beginning of his downfall that set him on a chain of events that led him to this spot, fearing with Emily's loss, that all was going to be lost.
"Please," she begged, moving her hand up and down over his arm, "please talk to me. Let me help you."
He'd hurt her so much yet here she was, wanting to help him. The guilt over Eric's painful disclosure from the night before was like a knife in his heart as he relived the words.
"I made you cry," his voice mirroring his expression. He bent his head, feeling more ashamed of it now than he ever had before. He couldn't look at her, feeling that he didn't have the right to.
Anna's first instinct was to tell him it was ok, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. It wasn't ok. He'd hurt her beyond words and she realized then that if there was any chance for them to move forward, she needed him to know that. She couldn't let it go unanswered.
"Yes," she replied. "You did."
Her acknowledgement of it wasn't angry or bitter like he had expected, maybe it was just as Emily had said, maybe she just needed to hear him say it. He looked up at her, never seeing her look more beautiful than she was at that moment looking at him. He took Emily's advice and invited Anna into his dysfunctional world.
"I thought about you all the time," he confessed," all the time. I even dreamt about you."
Anna smiled, "You did?"
He nodded, surprised at how easily just those few words had made her smile. "It was the only time I felt at peace. I even wrote you letters."
She scooted closer to him, pulling her legs out and siting down in a more comfortable position. "You wrote me? But I never got a letter from you."
"In my journal I wrote you letters. I confessed to you when I was scared, or when I was hurting. I could say anything I wanted and it was ok."
"Yes you can," she assured him. "Can I read them?" she asked, feeling her heart sore over just the thought of him writing something out so personal to her.
He smiled, feeling his face flush. "Yes, someday."
"I thought about you a lot too while you were gone," she confessed.
Steve huffed, feeling uneasy about that, but knowing he needed to sit there and listen to what she had to say. He owed her that more than anything else. "I can only imagine the things you thought about me."
"I admit, I had some choice words for you, but," she put a hand on his leg, "I worried about you more than anything else."
It was his turn to be shocked, "You did?"
Anna nodded, "I knew after all that was said and done that you'd punish yourself mercilessly for all of it, especially after that phone call. I was even more worried then. I hated the thought of you being alone in there with nothing but your thoughts and your guilt."
He couldn't believe after all he had done to her, and after all the horrible things he'd said to her that she still had the will to stand beside him. "I'm so sorry, Anna. I can't take back the things I did, but I need you to know that I'll never hurt you again. I want to earn your trust back, more than anything else."
"Don't lie to me ever again," she replied sternly.
He shook his head, "I won't. I promise you that." He looked down at his left hand that was still bound in a fist. He turned it over and opened it, showing her the seven pills.
She was stunned over seeing them, looking up at him.
He could see the question in her eyes even without her asking. "I didn't take any," he quickly responded. "I swear to God, Anna, I didn't take any."
"You thought about it though."
"Yes," he said to her, taking his oath he'd just promised her to heart. "I was close. I had them in my hand. I'd even given myself permission."
She was impressed by his honesty, "Why didn't you?"
"Because of you, and Jenny and Eric…and me. All I kept hearing was Emily's lecture in my head that she would say to me over and over, and in that split second of clarity I finally got it." He felt the loss of his friend begin to sink in. "I deserve to be happy."
She didn't think she would ever see him so exposed as he was right then, but then he took it a step further.
"I know I hurt you, Anna and I know what we had is damaged, maybe beyond repair, but if I took that pill then I knew all hope of ever being with you again was gone." He felt the pain in chest over the loss of Emily. "And everything that Emily and I had worked so hard on would have all been for nothing. I couldn't do that to her, especially now."
She heard the stress in his voice over the sudden death. The nurturing love for him that she had buried came flooding to the surface. "I know about Emily, Steve. I'm so sorry."
The empathy coming from her spoke volumes to him. She was exactly what he needed at that moment to pull him out of the depths of his despair. He loved her and always would, no matter what happened between them from this day on, he'd watch over her.
He lifted his hand, giving her the pills. "I was going to meet her so I could give these to her. I kept them as a reminder of what I didn't want, but she didn't like that idea." He smiled through his grief, "She was right of course. She was always right."
Anna took them from his hand and stood up going into the guest bathroom behind her. She dropped them in the toilet and flushed it, being reminded of another time she had done that, only to come and find out that he had lied and there were more hidden. She looked back at him and as if he could read her mind, he responded to her.
"That's all there is."
Unlike the last time when she had her doubts, she had none this time. She pulled a towel off the rack and went back to him, kneeling down and taking his wounded hand, setting it on her lap so she could see the piece of glass sticking out of it. She didn't bother to ask him how it had happened, it didn't matter.
She looked at him as she got a good hold on it with her fingers. He stared at her, indifferent of the approaching discomfort. He didn't care; he was too preoccupied by the woman holding his hand.
Anna pulled it out and then quickly wrapped his hand up, seeing the deep gash begin to gush blood. She contemplated whether or not he would need stitches, but let that notion go, knowing it would be a futile attempt to try and get him to a hospital now.
She began to re-wrap it to put extra pressure on the wound when she felt his other hand braise her cheek. She looked up at him as his eyes scanned her face.
He must have been out of his mind, he thought, to take for granted this angel that was caring for him. At one time he had the good fortune of being the one she loved. He came so close to having it for the rest of his life and he blew it.
"I'll make it all up to you Anna," he said to her. "I know you must have doubts about me, but if we can just start over from scratch and maybe be friends again. I'll prove to you that I'm genuine. I won't disappoint you."
He searched her eyes for her reply, holding his breath, praying that she'd say yes, but her response didn't come in words. Instead she moved up next to him and rested her head just below his shoulder as his arm went around her waist, pulling her in closer. He breathed her in feeling like he'd been given a second chance at life, and this time around he was going to treat it exactly as it was, priceless.
Anna could feel his heart beat, missing that sound from when she would lay with him in bed after making love. She held still and just enjoyed this moment with him, praying he would come through with his promises, because her only fear at the moment was that her love for him was greater now than it ever had been.
Danny came in the house minutes later through the open front door. His attention was immediately drawn to the area at the top of the stairs, seeing them together as they were. Neither one moved or even acknowledged that they heard him. They both seemed content in their position.
He smiled and slowly but quietly backed out the door.