Pacifica Northwest- Pines Prevention Patrol.

…Or at least, a patrol of one.

No one seemed to believe the young Northwest when she said that there was something off about the Pines. Not any of that circus junk that the rich pair of Pines parents were pushing. She was talking about the Pines that lay in wait within the Tent of Telepathy. From child prodigies to self-made performers, the two had captured the hearts of all the townsfolk of Gravity Falls.

All but one.

At first, it was just a persisting annoyance with their family. She first went to the Tent of Telepathy in order to clear up that misconception. That it didn't matter what jerks their parents were. They were completely different people! Mabel and Dipper Pines couldn't be that bad. But she was wrong. They could be much worse. She'd never forget the chill she felt when she first entered the Tent of Telepathy. And while she still hadn't been able to figure out the secret behind their tricks, she could see right past the looks on their faces. Fakers. Liars. Puppetmasters. They had the whole town cheering for their act. A harmless magic show designed to entertain, or something more sinister?

But Paz wasn't going to let a bad feeling be her only proof. After all, they were performers- putting on an act was part of a job. But the more she looked into it, the more suspicious occurrences popped up. Those that had volunteered for a simple trick left the stage looking like they were ready to collapse. "Drained from all the excitement" was the line often used. But what were they really doing to the innocents that stepped within their 'Magic Box of Mystery'? Even the most hyper child powered by large amounts of soda and cotton candy seemed ready to take a nap by the time the trick was finished. Paz hadn't seen any sorts of vampire bite marks or physical evidence left on their unknowing victims, but she was willing to bet some kind of soul sucking was going on.

More than just on the stage, things would sometimes go missing from the pockets of their audience. Every sideshow has its pickpockets, but it never seemed to be money that went missing. A set of keys here, an ID there, or a shirt or jacket that they could have sworn they took off for only a second. The person would notice its absence at the end of the show, go looking around, and find their belongings tossed about in the parking lot.

Paz had tried to keep a careful watch over the audience to catch the Pines in the act. She could have sworn she caught a turquoise-green glimmer slide across a man's back pocket. But before she could even see what the object was, the glow disappeared under the benches. Like the rest, only noticing his cell phone missing at the end of the show. Frantically looking around for it, once he finally borrowed a friend's to hopefully follow the ring tone he found it outside the border of the tent. Normal enough to look like he'd 'dropped it', but Paz knew they had to be doing something with all these little misplaced objects.

The list went on. Odd noises coming from the tent after hours, strange glowing in the dead of night and sometimes even less people leaving the tent than first entered. Something was going on. But Paz had to be careful who she told. For one mater, she'd look like some kind of paranoid rambling lunatic. Her family already had enough of that reputation. There was also the twins' manager- Stanford Pines. An enigma of his own right and most likely part of this whole scheme. The people with 'concerns' over the show were rare, but easily brushed off by the smooth talking show runner. Whether with words or a few bills changing hands, any noise complaints, questionable sights or other oddities just seemed to have been forgotten as soon as they were addressed. He may no longer be a stage magician like his great niece and nephew, but he sure knew how to make problems disappear.

Paz didn't know what they were planning or what their deal was, but if Gravity Falls had taught her anything it was that there was always something interesting behind the curtain. Her fingers were crossed for some kind of supernatural mafia complete with troll bodyguards and baby-demon hitmen… Not that any of this was a good thing! But she'd be lying if she said she didn't enjoy trying to uncover the conspiracy. The Tent of Telepathy show got more pretentious every time she sat through it, but it was all worth it just to find a single hair out of place.

Today Paz was checking in on what was sure to be a sinister sign- A family outing. The only person that followed the Pines more closely was the man literally paid to do it- Jesus "Soos" Ramirez. Handyman, bodyguard, personal assistant… no one was exactly sure what his job title was in his employment at the Tent of Telepathy. Or even if he was being paid with how much he seemed to enjoy the job. One of the things that he couldn't have possibly be paid to do was the "TeamTelepathy" fanblog. With how much he uploaded unhappy surprise pictures of the Pines family, you'd think he'd have been fired by now for violating their privacy. Yet the blog only seemed to increase the Pines' popularity, earning Soos the unofficial title of "publicity manager" as well.

Today's top post was a selfie with Soos in the Pines' limo driver's seat. The twins and Stan just seemed to be talking in the background, hinting that they probably hadn't noticed the impromptu picture. Soos just seemed to be excited about the three of them going out in public. No details on what they were doing, or if their driver even knew. But they hadn't exactly planed for any public appearance. While the twins were constantly driven around town by the large man-child, the presence of Stan was why Paz had woken up early to try and track the Pines down today. The old man was a recluse that hardly ever seemed to leave the Tent of Telepathy. According to the townsfolk, they'd been fairly certain he was either dead or some kind of hermit until he started his work as the twins' manager. Even after, his presence in town had been extremely restricted. What did the old man have to hide?

Paz was on her bike, trying her best to follow the limo from afar. 'Just trying to make sure they don't notice me tailing them' she insisted to herself. Not that she probably should work more on her cardio if she had a hard time keeping up with the vehicle on a simple bicycle. She'd been able to keep up with them well enough in town with the stoplights, but once the limo hit the dirt road leading to the outskirts of town, Paz had to stick with following the fresh tire tracks. That settles it- they had to be pulling some kind of shady deal. Where were they headed? Sliding some money for a corrupt politician beneath the water tower? Or some old cabin in the woods where they'd commit their most gruesome deeds? She just had to catch one glimpse on camera. The sweat continued to pour down her forehead as she attempted to pick up the speed. No way was she going to miss everything.

Paz had no idea where they were headed, but as she started to make out an old shack in a clearing in the woods, the murderous cabin of secrets theory began to become more and more likely. The limo was parked out front, and Paz could hear Stan before she saw him up on the front porch.

"Listen, Bub- if you really admire me as much as you say you do, you'll set this whole mess behind you and give me the deed. What kind of check do I have to write to make this all go away?" Stan demanded.

Paz's ears perked up with each word. Yes! This was just the kind of conspiracy she was looking for! Shifty money exchanging hands and attempts to make all of something 'go away'. She dropped down to the ground so she could watch the conversation from bellow the vehicle, being able to make out only the lower half of the two men making the deal. But next to the larger man that Stan Pines was yelling at, Paz spotted some kid about her age. Come on, who takes their kids to some kind of shady mafia deal! …Well, besides Stanford Pines. Speaking of which, where were the twins? She knew they'd been in the blog picture. So where did they go off to? If Soos had just dropped them off, wouldn't he have gone with them, leaving Stanford to his business? And if it was some sort of family outing, why would it have ended so soon? The twins were probably nearby… but doing what? Perhaps Stan was just the distraction while his great niece and nephew snuck in to the place. They were magicians. Sleight of hand was what they did best. While Stan was being loud and making a ruckus, the real show could he happening behind the scenes.

The set of footprints beside the limo was easy to make out. But rather than go toward the shack, they seemed to be heading into the woods. Should she remain and listen to see if Stan said or did anything incriminating or even find out what he was doing here, or track down the twins? She wanted to figure out what was going on at the very least, but she started to suspect that Stan's arguing might go on for a while.

"Come on, do you really want me to have to get lawyers involved? Bet you couldn't even afford that sort of treatment. Nah, much easier to just take the money and run." Stan insisted.

As much as Paz wanted to figure out what kind of deal he was pulling, she was almost certain that he was just a distraction and the Pines twins were off pulling something much worse. She gritted her teeth wishing she had something like a recorder or back up, but for now she either could stick around listening to the elder Pines argue for who knows how long, or track down the twins. The obvious carrot or the mysterious footprints leading to who knows what… Well, she just had to do things the hard way.

Paz followed the footprints as they went into the woods, drifting farther away from the old shack. As she started to question if maybe she'd gone too far in, she started hearing voices. There they were! The Pines twins! What kind of business could they have out in the woods? Paz made sure to be careful with each step as she made her way closer. Even on a day roughing it out in the woods, they were dressed in the same powder blue costumes as if they were about to go out on stage. Well, same fashion anyways. Dipper wore his usual blue vest over a crisp black shirt and slacks. At least the ridiculous cape was nowhere to be seen. Currently Mabel seemed to be wearing something that matched her brother, yet with a skirt rather than pants as well as a nice huge teal ribbon around her neck. Rather simple compared to what she was used to. Mabel seemed to be the one that enjoyed switching up her ensemble with every show. From wild frilly dresses to the occasional spandex, Paz had to wonder who was the one putting this extensive wardrobe together. Didn't all those sequins, rhinestones and stretchy material get uncomfortable? Sure, Paz herself wore jackets in the heat of summer, but that was purely just because she had pale skin and didn't have time to slather on sunscreen every time she stepped out the door! There was no way there could be any practical use for those costumes! Except maybe if they were trying to attract some kind of creature with a shiny bright reflecting surface. Still, despite the stage magician get up, they managed to appear very intimidating. And what was that in Dipper's hand? Some kind of brown furry bunny… wearing clothes?

"How you haven't found anything yet is a wonder. What are any of you good for?" The cold voice of Dipper Pines complained.

As Paz slowly got closer, she could see the 'fur' in his hands was actually the beard of what looked like a lawn gnome. This wasn't the first time Paz had seen the little men running about Gravity Falls. Sometimes she'd spot them raiding people's trash cans or stealing little things here and there. Like magical raccoons. Sometimes Paz thought they could be cute in the right light, but worried they might bite her finger off if she got too close. Yet here Dipper was holding him like a rag doll by the beard. That certainly looked painful.

"I swear! There's no way in! Said it before and I'll say it again- that old hunk of junk has all kinds of weird wards! We're normally able to slip past the stronger stuff, but without something like an invitation or breaking that thing, you're out of luck." The brown bearded man insisted. He tried to clench onto Dipper's arm to relieve some of the strain from the tugging of his beard, but Dipper swatted him off with each attempt.

Mabel rolled her eyes, disbelieving of the little man. She seemed to be toying with something in her hands. Some kind of nail file? Paz squinted trying to make out the object. Wait, was that some kind of knife?! Geeze, Paz knew the twins had a knife throwing routine, but did they really just play around with sharp objects like that! Didn't she know she could poke her eye out! Although judging by the look on her face, she seemed to be looking forward to the knife drawing blood on someone before this was through.

"Invitation? What are you some kind of vampire? I've seen you do breaking and entering before. Why's this place any different?" Mabel pointed out. The blade of her knife rested beneath her brother's hands, pressed against the beard hairs. The gnome grew just as panicked as if the knife were up against his neck.

"Look kids, I tried! I asked around, even got some feedback from some of the senior gnomes. Got a few spooky stories about some powerful wizard making sure his domain was locked up tight. You humans can force your way in the all you like. But if anything weirder than that wants in, we can only come in if the owner lets us. I swear- that's just how the spells work." The gnome tried to explain.

Dipper gave out a sigh. He supposed it added up. He and his sister had tried breaking in himself when the old shack didn't have any occupants. But even if a magical security system couldn't stop them, more practical ordinary measures kept them out. And while they had no fear of the Gravity Falls police, the attention the break in may cause was not something the twins wanted. For them, getting in would be easy. But they needed time to find what they were looking for. And now this old little shack had new occupants that could make things more complicated… or it could be just what they needed. Dipper shot his sister a smirk. And judging by the one already on her face, she was thinking the same thing. The telepathy routine was just a trick for the tourists. But while the twins couldn't read each other's minds, they were often enough in sync to pull off a scheme without words.

"Isn't it lucky that there are new owners, ignorant of how any of this supernatural business works? Are they enough of a loophole for you to work with? All you have to do is trick your way in, disable the mortal defenses and we'll be out of your… beard hair." Dipper dropped the gnome to the ground, having the creature land on its stomach with a thud. It gave a brief second to adjust his hat and stumble to his feet. But before it could let out any complaints, Mabel quickly picked up the ball where her brother left off.

"And if you needed some incentive… I hear you've been looking for a new Queen." She added with a smirk.

A goofy grin appeared on the gnome's face. "Awe yeah sweet cheeks! You'd be perfect!" He exclaimed.

This was quickly followed by a slap on the cheek from a now angry Mabel Pines. "Not me you idiot! Your choice of any other girl in Gravity Falls! Should be easy enough to arrange. But why would I ever agree to something like that?!" She exclaimed with her cheeks starting to turn red.

The normally calm and collected Dipper started to let out a snicker. "I don't know, sister. You'd look good in a pointy red cap! And you've always wanted an army. Why not 'the most powerful legion of a thousand' in the forest! Mabel Pines- Gnome Queen. Truly the pinnacle of your career!" He tried to cover his mouth with his hand to hide the laughter, but there was no way he could keep a straight face as he imagined his sister at the head of one of their stacks of gnomes.

Mabel shot her brother a glare. Mabel swung her arm around her brother, with her fist clenching the knife now resting on Dipper's shoulder. "Hmm, funny. Because I was just thinking you could pass for some kind of fairy prince with the all that flowery 'forest scent' you sprayed on yourself the other day. At the very least, I'd outrank you in the hypothetical forest royalty." Mabel retorted.

"It was cologne! And it was only one tim-" But Dipper cut himself off as he realized they were squabbling like children in the middle of a 'business meeting'. They'd went from perfectly in sync to bickering siblings in a matter of seconds. He rubbed his forehead as he tried to regain his cool. The small markings of each dot in the constellation that earned him his name were hardly indented, but just focusing on where they were helped to calm him down and regain his composure. The gnome seemed to be staring at them, confused over the sudden change in atmosphere.

"Listen, you heard the deal. Find a way in, disable their defenses, and we get you your new Queen. Easy enough?" Dipper presented to the gnome.

The gnome shifted his eyes between the twins. He knew that they may look and even act like kids, but he'd been hearing some nasty rumors about them. Humans normally didn't meddle in their affairs, so their interest was strange enough as it was. But they weren't just poking their nose in where it didn't belong. They were upsetting the natural balance of things. Creatures that normally remained dormant for thousands of years were now awoken with offers of glory and power. Supernatural goods that were normally difficult to tear away from their respective being such as fairy dust and unicorn hair were bartered away for favors that these kids seemed to be quite good at fulfilling- no matter how tall the order. Who knew how many deals these kids had tied up already? And now they wanted to get the gnomes on their side as well. He had no doubt they'd be able to fulfill their end of the bargain. But did he really want the gnomes to form that kind of relationship with the Pines twins?

"I'll see what the boys and I can do then! How difficult could it be?" He offered. He could weigh it over a bit more once they figured out how they'd manage tricking the new guy. They had been practicing their normal man form. They could put up routine, and manage something.

Mabel gritted her teeth, trying to put on a happy face for the gnome. The little weasel tried to suggest something as disturbing as her ruling over them, and she was ready to make him pay for it. But not now. She just had to distance him as far away from the concept as possible.

"So what kind of Queen did you have in mind then? Old? Young? Short? Tall?" She threw around. If he dared throw out anything close to her description, she'd ensure that his beard was as red as his cap by the time she was done carving him up.

But any sense of hostility seemed to go right over the little man's head. He scratched his beard as he thought it over. "Well… we do like the exotic types. And the closer to our height the better. What about that blond gal! The one with the blue eyes and those… were those dreamcatchers on her ears? Or was it some kind of weird wind chime? No clue, but seems like our type of Queen!"

A smirk grew on Dipper's face. He couldn't have picked a more perfect target. "Pacifica Northwest."

Paz had been perfectly still as she watched the entire negotiation take place. But as her name was spoken aloud a gasp came from her mouth. These jerks were trying to trade her off into holy matrignomey! But now was probably the worst time to let out a sound.

Mabel's eyes immediately darted toward the source of the noise. A small complication. But easily fixed. In fact, perhaps this was a stroke of good luck.

"Well, it looks like your new Queen has arrived."

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