a/n: don't usually get a chapter done for reviewers, but i felt like it today; this chapter is out for guest2 :)
And there, the last thing she expects is more trouble- but she gets it anyways.
(and she's not going to complain, because it's not her virtue and she knows she'll persist and go on. But damn, she's cursed to be troubled: she throws herself in front of the hollow)
But then the boy in front of him has something that moves her for the first time in a long, long time- and she thinks: maybe, maybe for the first time, this trouble will be worth it.
She offers him a chance-
-and her trust.
...
It's hardly been a week but she feels at home despite the lies and the obvious deceptions she creates to live as a "human" and further away from a shinigami-
-or the cold, ruthless one anyways.
(she doesn't know if she's happy about it)
She thinks she'd be ok if she stayed (forever and ever and ever-), but she knows these days are short (she'd crossed off the days on the human calendar she'd purchased from Ichigo's wallet). She's not stupid- because she'll be forced to go back and probably be executed.
But it's not like she doesn't want to die either; she could go to hell afterwards after all, pay her retributions for the rest of her life since it's not like she'd ever forget his death and her sin.
And she knows he'll probably be pissed off when he learns of this, and that he'll be sad for a while before he moves on- because she's someone to be forgotten (since birth, since the Kuchiki, since everything-).
Even so, she doesn't regret meeting Ichigo.
Then Orihime and the girls ask if she and Ichigo are together, suggesting the most ridiculous thing she's ever been asked before, as if she could be human enough to function, much less date.
(but they don't know that so she can't blame them, she never blames others)
She doesn't know what to do.
No, you do, she scolds herself as she watches him fight a disadvantageous battle and it's like watching the worst moment of her life all over again live.
He's bleeding and dying and she doesn't know if she could handle one more death on her plate-
-no, she stops firmly, he won't die, he can't.
(it's a stupid lie and conviction but damn, she'll lie all day right now to prevent herself from crippling him emotionally and never letting him part ways with a foul chapter in his life.
she'd never forgive herself then.)
.
She thinks the gods heard her when she finds Ichigo still breathing and living and alive (maybe she's finally earned her break). She immediately sets herself to healing his stomach -his worst wound- or he'd really die because of her lack of control of emotions of wanting to just hug him and cry forever.
(but she doesn't, the world's doing that for her and him already)
.
Rukia ponders after the fight settles between Ichigo and his mom's killer, and she's thinking about how the Shiba probably want to do that to her as well- except that they're holding back- ah, she chuckles bitterly, who is she to kid with herself- she'd been hiding from everything.
(well, before she's executed, maybe Soul Society will let the Shiba do the honor)
...
It's weird, that she'd bother to leave a note behind for them when she could just ask Urahara to deliver her message and to stick them to a room.
It's even weirder that she's so blinded by hope that he'll listen to her and do as she says, because he's known to do stupid things- and she knows that by now, she knows he won't take no, won't listen to her, won't let her-
(she stops it right there, and comes to terms that maybe she's leaving this for her own selfishness: she wants him to remember her, even if it's just a fragile piece of note)
.
As she runs through the streets, she's thinking so hard about her life here and how dangerously attached she is to this human world and how focused she is on her emotions that she doesn't notice Abarai or her "brother".
(or at least that's what Abarai thinks, she muses, it's actually: she runs in the open for them to see and to capture and kill her before Ichigo comes to find her- ah, she catches herself and sighs, she thinks he'll try and save her.
perhaps the note was just for that)
.
Other than the worry that the Quincy will die in that puddle, there's a simultaneous conflict of emotions: disappointment that it's not Ichigo and relief that it's not Ichigo.
(contradictions)
In the end, she'll never really understand herself after all.
Then Ichigo comes, and every trivial thought flies out of the air and all that's left is worry worry worry and you fucking idiot and don't you dare die on me.
.
Then the question the girls asked are back in her head as she faces Ichigo lying on the ground, cold and bleeding and probably about to die, but she figures Urahara, or someone, someone has to save him-
-she'd have it no other way.
(she can only trust Urahara keeps his promise of keeping him alive and not saying a word to him about it or her situation- god she really hates having no control over her life.
then again she never could control it really, not all of it anyways-
-and certainly not Ichigo.)
...
...
It's a funny thing, that Abarai visits and talks to her now before she's about to be executed.
(she's bitter about it sometimes, but today isn't the day)
She watches him, and can feel the worry and concern ooze behind the teasing and banter and cover-ups and lies.
(but she doesn't want it, she doesn't want pity, especially not from him; she chooses to take this route, to let it happen without a fight)
...
...
And certainly not Ichigo, she muses to herself ironically after she hears of his arrival from Abarai. What a fucking fool, she thinks as she rubs away the moisture from her eyes, undeniably happy but undeniably anxious and nervous.
(if she were honest, this is ten times worse than his death- at least she could see it upfront)
tbc