His spiritual pressure is stupidly strong and piercing within all of Soul Society (and he's not even trying to hide it, the arrogant fool. He's defeated two so far (who didn't die either, thank god).
She waits quietly and gets it: it heightens, but this time: abnormally high, and it's close to something like anger- she freezes.
Abarai?
She knew he was eventually going to face him, but it's so soon, or: it's too early for her to deal with.
(then again, she wouldn't have felt any calmer anyways)
It's unreasonable, she knows it is, but she can't help but blame herself for all of this, if only she'd never let Urahara meet him, if only she hadn't left that note, if only, if only-
-she'd never met him and everyone and he would be safe.
.
Alhough he is no longer someone she cares for, although he is no longer her brother, much less a friend, she finds herself still hurting for the both of them like back in the Human World.
(it hurts)
And when Ichigo wins, she feels a swirl of gratefulness, relief, anger, and pain as Abarai lies on the floor and is picked up to be healed.
(she wants to hate him, blame him for everything and back then, but she can't, and eventually she comes to realize- the fault is on her.)
.
Then after ensuring that Ichigo is still alive and well, she notes he has two others with him- Hanataro (...?) and another familiar but forgotten one who seemed to accompany her in-
(who is he?)
Then, it's his spiritual pressure against a monster's spiritual pressure and she. is. panicking.
And she curses herself for not knowing his would-be killer, for working so hard to the limit that she didn't let herself stop and think that maybe, maybe she'd need it-
-though she knows she wouldn't have, having seen no hope in the future, and still not.
(hope, hope wasn't worth her time anymore- well, not her fate anyways)
.
A decade later of breathing and waiting and sweating and placing her palms against the walls like it'd knock down if she could just press harder- his spiritual pressure falls rapidy.
She bangs on the wall with a fist in frustration and grits her teeth.
(someone save him, someone save him, please save him-)
-and she senses a strange spiritual pressure, but relaxes when she recognizes it to be someone from Urahara's store; and anyone from Urahara- they'd help him, they must've been the ones to get him here after all.
(they have to)
His spiritual pressure disappears altogether to somewhere she can't sense, but she, she thinks he's ok (because really, there's no other option).
.
Then the door swings wide open and she's stunned for a moment because it's Hanataro and a man behind him that she doesn't know and doesn't care and all she wants to ask is if they're ok, if Ichigo's still alive and ok and-
-shit.
(well, she thinks resignedly, looks like i can't run away anymore.
he's right here; her nightmare: Shiba.)
.
And it's when he's holding her up with intense frustration and anger and everything exploding up in her face that the heavy feeling returns again and she wants to die.
She wants to die right now.
But the Kuchiki mask doesn't show: she says it calmly and solemnly and almost breaks into anguish tears, and just, angry, when Hanataro gets him to stop and go out there to fight her "brother"- and everything stops and she can't move; it's all worry and concern and not-wanting-this-death-replayed-again.
(in the back of her mind: she hates relief)
When Ganju falls, all she can think is why?
Why him, why not me, just-
-and she feels it and stops thinking altogether, except: Ichigo's here.
(Byakuya, Urahara, Hanataro feel it immediately after)
.
Within a second, Ichigo comes flying out of nowhere, and before she can get her shit together he lands and she can't say anything except his name-
-he ignores her,
(and to this, she feels a thud in her heart, and it's a terrible feeling she's had more than anything in a long time)
and calls her name.
She hates how her heart beats again and how it's so easy to fall back with him again and how she forgets everything around him- the danger, the implications, the need to remain calm, the need to be a Kuchiki.
(after, she wonders what Byakuya really thinks of him now, despite him looking like Kaien and her thoughts of him dying like Kaien and how she doesn't want to see that-
-but really, she never once thought they were the same, and she hates him, for even suggesting that anyone could replace anyone else.
she just doesn't want to watch another die in front of her, far away from her, no one important please-)
.
She stares in shock as she watches Ichigo get stopped (violently she adds) by a stranger in the textbook she'd once studied, the traitor and ex-captain, Yoruichi Shihoin. She pauses and remembers her spiritual pressure, before: in Urahara's store, and the one who probably attended to Ichigo after defeating a monster.
(she relaxes, slightly)
Then he's taken away.
Her head spins with a thousand questions and worries and relief and anguish-
(the heavy spiritual pressure from all of them dissipates)
-she faints.
.
She wakes up after and immediately searches for Ichigo's reiatsu.
Nothing.
But she's very, very (eerily) calm, and she doesn't really know why- ah, she chuckles bitterly.
(so Ichigo holds the power to give her hope and take it away with him.
she hates vulnerability.)
.
Later, her intuition catches up with her: her execution date is within three days.
A peaceful feeling settles within her.
(or: a sign of loss and give up and emotionless)
...
...
Her peace is interrupted when the day arrives by that horrendous, sudden drop of his reiatsu from Abarai and he's dying.
(what the fuck is he doing? why is her "brother" next to him? why, why-
-why is he dying?)
The only explanation possible is that he's fighting, but why fight for her after all this time? Why is he even bothering to do so when he knows he can't win against her "brother"?
Nothing makes sense to her and she shuts it down and sticks onto Gin's slithering words because it has to be better, anything but not planned- but it's a mistake that only makes her head spin further and choke out a scream from her- from his words, and her thoughts and her sin and betrayal and-
-everything.
(if she dies, then all of this will go away. it will.)
tbc