She looks around, and she thinks it's the same as when she's spanked back in Rukongai in front of the public for stealing water. The people leered and spit at her and she was used to that- that not being the worst she received.
This time, it's her execution.
(and the emotions on all of those attending are level-headed, and this, she is used to as well, having been in the Kuchiki for so long)
She asks Yamamoto to excuse the Ryoka as her final wish and an empty word, yes, leaves her at peace-
(though it's a lie and she knows it and knows it so clearly, but she has faith they'll escape and flee and be safe and-
-Urahara will do something; he'd promised her after all.)
.
It's a funny feeling to float up up up without doing anything herself, and it's the calmest feeling she's ever felt and the most resolute she's ever been.
She looks out ahead and the parts became a whole picture. Everything is small: the shinigami, the town, the buildings, the walls, Rukongai-
-and, her worries, fears, and existence.
And, the sky.
(it's the end of her life now and she finally sees that this world she had expanded until she went to the Human World and met them, and him.
she'd been looking for hope, and got it)
.
The flaming bird covers the view and she sees her death and her breathing slows, and memories of good and bad times all replay out in front of her.
(the monstrous bird screams)
She remembers the silent screams every time: leaving Renji, the Kuchiki, Kaien's death, Ichigo's near death, Renji's near death, the tower-
(the bird dives in)
-Ichigo coming (so stupidly, arrogantly-) and suffering and growing and-
-she's lived a pretty good life.
She shuts her eyes and a tear escapes her Kuchiki mask.
.
The intense heat remains, and she wonders if it's over already (painless and quick, not exactly as she envisioned since she deserved worse for ruining two people's lives and more, she adds on Renji and all those injured or not in this preventable battle) and that she's perhaps in hell, but why does she sense his reiatsu-
-he stands in front of her proudly and showing-off with those flames behind him (and not for the first time, she thinks he really is just like the sun but brighter now) like the arrogant idiot he is and she stares.
There's a new confidence in him and something stirs within her and she's almost, almost about to cry again.
(no one is close enough to see: he reaches out and wipes away the tear trail with a concerned look; she looks away with a pout and he laughs)
.
The bird pushes him and she remembers where they are. The familiar panic rises within her and she's not ready to watch him burn today (or any day, or ever) when it should be her-
-but of course, he doesn't listen and charges forward.
But, there's no silent scream within her, just the beating of her heart and his in sync, like they're in this together again like the first day she meets him- and they are in a way, and it's how he drags everyone else into his world and makes them all shine whether they like it or not.
(she too, has been affected by his stupidly outrageous confidence- but not enough to wash away the trepidation in her heart that still beats- and maybe it's from his too, however minuscule it is.
she supposes it'd always be like this.)
.
Then, the bird vanishes and there's relief and shock and- Ukitake-taicho.
(what?)
She dies a little on the inside, and wonders why the hell he's helping when she knows how important Yamamoto-taicho is to him and that he'll betray her and it'll be terrible-
(all this guilt and responsibility is crushing her and she can't take anymore of it-)
-so it's Ichigo who she takes out her fears on as he (stupid stupid stupid) tries to undo the cage she buries herself in.
He shuts her up with his confidence and words and action and she knows what he's been saying-
-he wants her to live, for herself.
(she listens.)
.
It's a funny thing when Renji comes along because the first is relief that he's safe, and the second is that the enemies are half-defeated so she doesn't have to watch Ichigo fight them as well. But then she's thrown to Renji and forced to leave behind Ichigo and she's frightened still, to not watch over him closely and to leave him to be fed upon by the ruthless shinigamis and she can't.
(so again it's like being back in the tower and grasping onto his spiritual pressure from afar, except this time she can struggle and try to get out-)
-but it's Renji and he says the words without any cover-ups, and mostly because Ichigo fought off all except her "brother" that she quiets and focuses on Ichigo's spiritual pressure.
.
.
She notes that her heart still moves for her "brother; and that it pounds for the both of them and though it's probably impossible- she hopes they'll get out of the battle without one dead.
(although it hurts worse when Ichigo gets hurt)
.
She silently screams a no every time she feels him bleed more and more- wait.
His spiritual pressure changes, and it's violent and explosive and similar to when she watches him fight Renji- but ten times worse. She notes that Renji doesn't react, no one seems to.
(strange)
It's gone as soon as it comes, and really, all she can think is: he's still alive, somehow.
(she keeps her focus only on him, and forgets that maybe, just maybe, the danger will come for her and drag Renji into it)
.
.
She doesn't give a shit that Aizen is alive, she doesn't give a shit that three captains are no longer loyal, she doesn't care- just, she needs them and him, alive.
But she doesn't want him to watch and be conscious as her execution truly begins.
(because the still, fearful, helpless bitch she is right now -since now she allows herself to be weak, to want to live- isn't supposed to be his last memory of her; hell, even Kaien got to say a few words to her that was so like him.
so why the fuck isn't it her turn?)
.
.
It's that empty feeling again, a distance away from the reality of it all- the hole, his words, everything, because then basically the whole orchestration led her to inevitably lead Ichigo to danger, because she agreed and wanted more.
(selfish,selfish,selfish-)
She snaps out of it when the hole closes and finds the cold man with empty eyes ordering Gin to kill her, and she thinks it's a suitable death for her stupidity and naivety.
She catches Ichigo's eyes and softens her gaze at him as the blade nears: don't worry, everything's going to be fine.
(it'd be her last lie)
.
And then, she screams out her brother's name when he takes the hit for her, and her head's spinning- until Aizen says to kill the both of them.
Something clicks in her and it's not the first she's felt this, but it's a long, long time ago in Rukongai when she protects her friends who became her siblings not long after and it's protection she feels as she stands between her brother and Aizen.
(still, there is fear and helplessness standing in her way)
.
.
.
She doesn't bother to look at anything else that happens because these important people in her arms and those lying on the ground all matter to her and they need to be healed.
(but she has no power)
So, all she can do is beg Unohana to heal her brother, and them. Unohana merely points at the boy and she sees Orihime putting Ichigo back together.
(a weight is lifted)
.
.
.
.
Somehow, the feeling of abandonment or connection doesn't click in her, despite Hisana being her sister and also being the one who abandoned her.
Nothing.
(and she thinks it's because there's no connection for her to start with, when she's a stranger to her)
But, her heart aches, when she thinks of all the time Byakuya suffered as she watched, and how selfish, naive, and afraid she is that she never bothered to look at him and notice his pain.
(but, her crudeness kicks in, he didn't either, so it's even, yes, definitely-)
Her heart shatters when he says sorry to her of all the people he's hurt, and it's tunnel vision and all she wants to do is hug him closely to her heart and sob.
(she does, his hand and her hair covering the sight of her tears dropping to the ground)
.
She's saved, she is, but a day passes and she still can't get rid of the gloominess within her.
Friends worry about her and she doesn't know how to fake smile anymore, she can't.
There's still a door left behind her that isn't yet enclosed for closure.
(and until she can close that part of her life as past and close, then she'll never be able to decide for her own future and live for herself- much less decide if she wanted to return to the Human World or remain in Soul Society)
Because Ichigo didn't ask, they followed and didn't ask yet either, she doesn't voice it, yet-
-and she doesn't like keeping people waiting for a simple answer from herself.
She looks up from her thoughts and it's a black, black sky, and she remembers visiting her brother again in the hospital, and he'd brought up about the taboo topic, not gently but not pushy.
(it's an indicator, and she'll take it)
.
.
.
She wakes up high and early in the morning and is caught by a Kuchiki elder. She bows to said person and the elderly passes by her without a word; she raises an eyebrow, a little put off by lack of insult, a flying word, a dagger. She rises and moves to leave.
"I'm only letting you off because of the Head," the elder whispers venomously. "Don't ever think I've accepted that you're one of us."
Rukia wonders if she's going a little crazy.
(because, she kind of missed this ordeal. kind of- well, she looks up at the sun, she looks forward to changing their perspective, or shoving herself in front of their faces so they'll be stunned-)
Ah.
I already know.
.
She catches the eye of a sentry of the Kuchiki tailing behind her. She sighs and goes up to him and nicely tells him off, and to tell her brother that she won't get killed. He nods and runs off quickly.
Finally at peace, she continues towards the forest and feels a sense of nostalgia run over her. Her heart beats quickly and she wants to run, and it's like the time she chased after Kaien all the time as he stood ahead of her and waited. Her feet carry her to the meadow where they trained and she sees a far off picture of laughter and smiles and sunshine- and rain and blood.
She kneels to Kaien Shiba's grave, and notes that someone's been here already: the incense and flowers laced nicely on top of it.
(she assumes it's Kuukaku and there's a small relief that she hasn't bumped into her; she doesn't feel prepared quite yet.)
It's his death date today, and the second time she ever visits him.
(the first she'd ran into Kuukaku and saw the intense hatred and it'd been terrible to see that expression the second time that she ran off first without a word.)
She speaks to it silently: sorry,sorry,sorry, her current self, reflection, occurrences, now and future; and she thinks he'd understand since it's him she knows. She also prays for his wife on her grave next to his and a sense of burden slightly lifts.
Part one, done- she faces in the direction of their reiatsu and strides onward.
.
.
.
.
There's still this heavy feeling within her and it gets harder to keep walking-
-she wants to run away again.
But the reminder of them waiting and everyone waiting for her pushes her forward; she grits her teeth and keeps going.
And when she finds the two siblings argue, she realizes there's still a cowardly feeling in her, and she can't look into their eyes. Her words, fortunately, do not fail her as she is properly able to convey what she needs to say. Although she knows and doesn't expect forgiveness, it'd still-
...
...
.
.
.
She cries a little.
(and gets punched)
.
.
She notes Ichigo and Orihime behind her, and Ichigo begins talking about her return and to hurry up; and she realizes that she'd already decided: she no longer wants to run away. Here, she's tasted powerlessness more so than ever before, so here, she will improve much more and better protect her friends and Ichigo.
Her home is here.
(she says silently)
.
To her surprise (and relief), Ichigo doesn't say anything in rebuttal, and his eyes speak truth. He accepts her decision and her choice with respect and wholeheartedness-
-and she thinks it's the first time anyone has.
(she smiles)
Thank you.
.
.
.
.
She says it again, when he departs for his home, and hears the silent gratitude he doesn't say.
.
.
.
(because of you,
it's not raining anymore.
thank you.)
.
.
.
-fin-
a/n: thank you very much, guest2 :)