Chapter 11 – After
Kim pulled the car up to the curb and put it in park. She stared straight ahead, not looking over at Sean beside her.
"We'll keep in touch," Sean said.
"Yeah, of course," Kim responded.
Kim wondered if that were true. Sean had been such an important in her life ever since they became partners, but since they had slept together and then Sean had gotten shot and Kim had gone through the trial, things were different. Kim was ready to put all that behind her and start fresh.
"I do love you," he stated.
Kim looked over at him. She just couldn't bring herself to say it back. She loved him as a friend, but she wasn't in love with him. Somehow she had a feeling he already knew that.
"I know," she said, unable to say anything else. "Good luck with everything in California."
"Thanks. You keep chasing those bad guys."
"I will."
Sean leaned over the console and kissed Kim on the cheek. He got out of the car, grabbed his bag from the backseat, and walked off towards the airport. He stopped before he got to the automatic doors, turned back, and waved at Kim. She smiled and waved back at him. A few seconds later, he was gone. Kim sat in her car for a moment, thinking about what had just happened. Sean was gone, off to live his life in California, and Kim knew it was the best thing for both of them. She also knew that if he had stayed, things wouldn't have worked out. It was better for them to part as friends.
Kim took out her cell phone and speed dialed her sister's number.
"Hey, sis," Lauren answered.
"Hey."
"You ok?"
Kim sighed. "What are you doing right now?"
"I just dropped Zoe off at dance class."
"Want to come over?" Kim asked.
"I'll bring the wine."
Kim loved that her sister knew her so well. She hung up the phone, took a deep breath, and drove off.
About an hour later, Kim had changed into comfortable, fuzzy pajamas and was curled up on one side of her couch with her sister sitting on the other. They were both halfway through a glass of wine each.
"Are you ok?" Lauren asked.
"Yeah."
"Are you sure?"
"I think so. I mean, my life's been crazy these past few months, but I'm as ok as anybody can be."
"Everything with the trial is over, right?" Lauren clarified.
"Yeah."
"And Sean's…gone? For good?"
"Yeah," Kim answered. "I don't think he'll be coming back."
"How do you feel about that?"
Kim sighed. "Sean is a nice guy and I know he loved me, but…"
"But you didn't love him," Lauren finished. "Which is why you didn't go to California with him."
Kim nodded. She hated that her sister had figured out in just a few seconds what Kim had agonized over for so long. The entire time she was with Sean she knew she hadn't been fair to him. But hearing her sister say it out loud made Kim feel like a terrible person. She should never have entered into a relationship with her partner in the first place. Especially not when she wasn't over Adam.
"Why did he have to propose?" Kim wondered out loud.
"Wait. Sean proposed?"
"No. Not Sean. Adam."
"Ooooh. So you didn't go to California just because you weren't in love with Sean. You didn't go to California because you're still in love with Adam."
Kim nodded and took a long sip of wine.
"Why did he have to propose?" Kim asked. "I mean, we would have been fine if we just kept things the way they were. It's like the proposal ruined everything."
"Aren't you the one who said that you were glad you found out now that he didn't want to be married rather than waste your time?"
"Well yeah, but that doesn't mean that we couldn't have been happy for another six months or a year or two years. Maybe then he would have been ready to get married." Kim paused. "I sound like one of those girls I would have hated in high school. Waiting around for a man."
Lauren put a reassuring hand on Kim's arm. "No. You sound like a woman in love. And I get it, I do. The heart wants what the heart wants. You can't rationalize it."
"I should never have slept with Sean."
"He was your rebound guy. We've all had them."
"Yeah, but he was also my partner. And a good friend. And our secret relationship almost messed up that entire trial," Kim remembered.
"But it didn't because you did the right thing. You won. Justice was served. You would have reacted the same way whether you and Sean were in a relationship or not."
"Yeah, well now I've lost a really good friend."
"Some people enter our lives for a reason and then they're gone and we just have to learn what we can from them and be grateful that they were there at all."
"When did you get to be so smart?"
"I'm the older sister, remember?" Lauren said. Kim laughed. "Now, back to Adam..."
"Do we have to talk about him?"
"Yes," Lauren answered. "What are you going to do about your feelings for him?"
"I don't know what to do. Despite everything that happened between us, I still love him."
"So tell him."
"I can't," Kim replied quickly.
"Why not?"
"Because I don't know if I'm ready to be with him again. And even worse, I don't know what I would do if he said he didn't want to get back together."
"The man is crazy about you," Lauren stated. "Trust me, he will want to get back together."
"I think I just need time for me. You know, Adam and I are finally in this good place where we can not only tolerate seeing each other at work, but we're happy to see each other. I don't want to ruin that now. And maybe it's time I try being single for a while. Maybe it's time I focus on me and my career. It wasn't so long ago I had sworn off men temporarily so that I could get through the police academy without distraction. Maybe I need to go back to that."
"That sounds very mature of you."
There was a long pause. "I hear a but coming," Kim said.
"But…don't forget that while you're off finding yourself and becoming an even better cop than the amazing police officer you are, Adam is single and hot."
"What does that mean?"
"That means that I wouldn't be surprised if one day Adam finds himself a girlfriend and you're left wondering why you didn't tell him how he felt."
Kim thought about it. The idea of Adam being with another woman made her insanely jealous. She could only imagine how he must have felt when he found out she and Roman were an item. But she meant what she said. She wasn't ready to run back into Adam's arms.
"I still think I need time," Kim decided.
"Well, you know I'm here for you. With a fully stocked wine fridge."
Kim laughed. "Thanks for being an amazing big sister."
"Want to watch a chick flick?" Lauren asked.
"Definitely."
Two Months Later
Kim walked into Molly's and immediately looked around. She spotted a few firefighters at the bar. They all nodded hello to her. She reciprocated. Scanning the small building, Kim finally spotted who she was looking for. She walked to the back of the room.
"Hey," Erin said.
"Hey. Sorry I'm a little late."
"We're cops. I would have been surprised if you were on time."
Kim shrugged off her coat and draped it on the empty stool next to her. She sat across from Erin.
"Thanks for the invite."
"I figured it's about time us girls got together. I got you a beer."
"Thanks."
Kim picked up the bottle.
"Cheers," Erin said, knocking her beer against Kim's.
"Cheers."
They both took a drink.
"So…how are you doing?" Erin asked.
"I'm good."
"Yeah? No regrets over not going to California with Roman."
Kim shook her head. "I probably should be regretting it, but I'm not."
"It wasn't meant to be," Erin commented.
"You can say that again."
"Have you heard from Roman?"
"He texted me to say he landed safely, but that's it," Kim explained. "I think it's for the best. He's starting a new life out there and I need to get on with my life."
"That's very mature of you."
"Yeah, well, I've had a lot of time alone to figure it all out in my head."
Kim noticed Adam walking into the building. A pretty brunette followed him. They walked together to the bar. Adam pulled out a stool for the woman. She thanked him and sat. Kim couldn't help but watch them. She had never seen the woman before, but whoever she was, she seemed very comfortable with Adam.
"Julia Spark," Erin said.
Kim turned her attention back to Erin.
"What?"
"The woman Adam's with? Her name is Julia Spark."
"Who is she?" Kim asked, trying to pretend she didn't care.
"Actually she's an old high school friend of Dawson's sister, Gabby. I guess Julia just moved back to Chicago. Gabby brought her around the bar a few nights ago to meet everyone and she and Adam…"
"Hit it off," Kim finished.
"I guess you could say that."
"Are they serious?"
Erin shrugged. "It's only the second time I've seen them together."
"Well…I just hope he's happy."
"It's ok to be jealous."
Kim was about to deny her jealousy, but knew it was useless. Erin was very good at reading people.
"I do want him to be happy," Kim stated as if trying to convince herself of that fact.
"You just want him to be happy with you," Erin said.
"I don't know what I want."
"Well, you better figure it out soon."
Kim watched as Julia put her hand on Adam's arm. They were both laughing about something. Julia leaned in and kissed Adam on the cheek. Jealousy coursed through Kim's veins. She chugged her beer.
Hours later, Kim took a deep breath before she worked up enough courage to knock on Adam's door. She waited, knowing it was late and that Adam could be sleeping. Or worse, someone else could be sleeping with him. Kim didn't want to think about that. After spending two months thinking about what went wrong with Adam the first time and how she had made a mistake getting involved romantically with Roman, she was finally ready to tell Adam how she felt. The door opened. Adam was standing in nothing but a pair of sweatpants, his hair ruffled as if he had been sleeping. Kim's mouth went dry.
"Kim, what are you doing here?" Adam asked, not exactly inviting her in. He kept the door mostly closed so Kim couldn't see into the apartment. Her heart fell. There could be only one reason why he didn't want to let her into his apartment. He must have had some other woman there.
"She's here, isn't she?" Kim replied.
"Who?"
"That woman from the bar. Gabby Dawson's friend. Julia."
"Kim…"
"Is she here?" Kim demanded. Adam didn't respond. "Are you sleeping with her?"
"I'm not going to answer that. What do you want, Kim?"
"I…I…" Kim stuttered, not knowing what to say or how to say it.
"Go home, Kim," Adam said.
"I hated seeing you with her at the bar," Kim finally blurted out. "It made me insanely jealous. It pained me to see you make her laugh and to see you flirting with her and to see how she kissed you on the cheek. I hated it. And I know, I shouldn't be saying anything. I know I was with Roman and that I'm basically being a hypocrite, but…" she trailed off.
"But what?"
"But I love you. I never stopped loving you."
She let the words hang in the air. She didn't know what else to say. She waited to hear Adam's response. The longer he was silent, the worse she began to feel.
"You know, months ago, I would have begged to hear you say that. I would have done anything to hear those words from your mouth again. But…I can't do this anymore."
"Adam, can't we just talk?" Kim asked. "If Julia's here, I…"
"She's not here."
"Oh."
"But I don't want to talk," Adam said. "I was ready to talk months ago, but you didn't want to try to work things out."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"It took me a long time to get over you, to accept the fact that I would have to live my life without you. But I did it. I did get over you. I can't do this again. I'm sorry. I moved on."
"Right. Of course. I'm sorry," Kim said, blinking away tears.
"I think we should stay friends."
"Yeah. I'll um…see you at work."
Kim turned around. It took all of her energy not to run away with tears streaming down her face. She didn't let the tears fall until she had walked out of the building.
Author's Note: Thanks to everyone's kind words and encouragement throughout this story! One more chapter left!