"Well, that was a huge timesink," Lex said as Oscar climbed the ladder back up to the bridge.
They'd both used their souls, and now Oscar was able to move reasonably well in his armor, breaking the curse of fat-rolling NPCs. Now they'd reached some arbitrary breakpoint Lex had decided upon and were ready to move on. He led Oscar up the stairs and into the storeroom.
"If you head out that door, there's one hollow on the platform and another on the ledge. After the ledge is a room full of giant rats. Once you've cleared it out, take the ladder and go outside toward the grate. Wait there for me."
"What are you going to do then?"
"I'm going to harass the drake some more and try to make a break for the main entrance. The grate only opens from the outside for some reason. If we want to get to that altar and a more convenient bonfire, then I need to get to that lever."
"Should I worry about you dying?"
"No. I may die – I may even die several times – but there's only one hollow that will be able to see you after you're out of the rat room, and it won't come after you as long as you stand by the grate. Just don't climb the turret; one of Gwyn's Black Knights is there. You can get in a surprise attack, but fighting it at this point is risky."
"I understand. I'll see you on the other side."
With that, Oscar walked off onto the bridge supports. Lex turned about and headed upstairs to face the drake. It noticed him as soon as he reached the bridge's surface, and he sprinted past a hollow soldier to the other side of the bridge, taking cover behind one of the cutouts at the halfway point.
"You know, I don't know what these are either. I should probably do some research if the books in the Archives turn out to be readable."
A wave of flame rushed across the bridge, flowing right past his protected corner. The hollows which had been slowly approaching him from behind collapsed into charred heaps. As he caught his breath, he felt even more souls flow into him.
"Oscar's about to enter the rat room. Let's see… One… two… three… There, that's all the rats."
He peeked up over the edge at the drake.
"You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn, you overgrown newt!"
As the drake beat its great wings and screamed, he abruptly realized that he probably could have made it across without doing this if he just had Oscar activate the bonfire repeatedly so that the monster couldn't move. Unfortunately, it was far too late for that as the massive beast leapt at him, landing on the bridge just around the corner from his hiding place.
"Yeah! Get some!" the cleric shouted, rushing out of cover and directly underneath it.
He kicked its foot in fury, and it responded in kind by clawing at him. Lex was no longer there, however, having run under its belly and straight for the open entryway behind it. The drake wasn't pleased with its prey escaping and pivoted as swiftly as its large body could. It took a deep draw of air and unleashed another torrent of fire. Panicking, Lex rolled into the room and slipped behind the narrow wall abutting the open gate.
UNDEAD PARISH
The wave of destruction rushed into the room past him, singing his hair a little. To his left, someone began to clap. Oscar stood on the other side of the grate, though he took a few steps back to get a better view of the drake.
"That was impressive. But will the beast not smoke you out?"
In response, it took to the air and flew away to gods-know-where.
"What strange behavior," the knight said.
"It is understandable if you look at it from the point of view of the game desi- the weavers of fate. If it did not flee, the Chosen Undead could be trapped here at this bonfire, damned to do battle with it for all eternity. Assuming the Chosen was not strong or skilled enough to defeat it, anyway."
Lex pulled the lever, and the grate rose, letting Oscar to the other side.
"Ah, that does make sense," he said, approaching the bonfire.
They both attuned to the flame and continued out to the courtyard opposite the grate. Though overgrown, the small shrine must have been beautiful once. Now, the statue of its god was in pieces, and docile hollows milled about.
"This is the altar of the fallen god of war?" Oscar said to no one in particular.
He looked around the base of the statue.
"Just mentioning him was heresy. Even the Captain was careful."
One by one, he hefted the pieces of the statue back toward the base in an ordered fashion. At last, he placed the head upright and in front. He stared at it, thinking.
"This is the homeland of the gods. The victim of a divine damnatio memoriae should not have such an intact shrine. I have seen the results of petty lords attempting such, long ago in my homeland. Priceless works of art destroyed or more carefully altered. A skilled stonemason could restore this easily. Even the face is not damaged; just worn from the years. Prophet, what do you know of this?"
"The mystery of Gwyn's firstborn is beyond me," Lex said, admiring the stonework. "In fact, it is a matter of great debate in the land of Luthor, where heresy just means it's Tuesday. The most overwhelmingly popular idea is that Solaire is the firstborn, possibly suffering from memory loss."
"The Captain?"
"Of the nine divine Covenants in Lordran, each has a distinct leader. Well, the Way of White has two, and neither of them would be particularly important outside of Lordran. For this reason, it is not possible to gain rank in the Way of Worthless. The Warriors of Sunlight, on the other hand, have no leader at all, but it is still possible to strengthen one's connection to it. As Solaire is the only member of the Covenant in Lordran and compares the sun to a father, many make that connection."
"Wait!" Oscar said, lifting his visor to show his confusion. "How is it that others know the Captain is in Lordran? Why is a knight-captain of Astora a popular topic in a foreign nation?"
"Oh… Shit," Lex grumbled. "Um. Most of what I say about myself, et cetera, will be outright lies because explaining exactly what I am and where I'm from would take something like a week. I swear on the name of my totally fictional goddess that I'll explain everything once we go to Oolacile, and you have a point of reference to use."
"I thought the lost kingdom of Oolacile was a myth."
"No, it was real. And we're going to have to go there. And fight a real dragon. Actually, that part's optional, but it's a really fun fight."
"Fun? What part-" Oscar stopped himself. "I will hold you to your promise. You will explain yourself before I will fight any dragons."
"Fair enough," Lex said, shrugging. "Now let's swear ourselves to an absent god who may or may not be an old friend of yours."
They both knelt before the assembled pieces of the Altar of Sunlight. All the clerics and knights who Oscar was fated to help enter Lordran were members of the Way of White as he was. Now that distinction held no meaning, as both he and the Chosen Undead he had freed renounced the teachings of Allfather Lloyd and instead attuned their souls to the god of war, whose name was erased from history. Their hearts were filled with song, and the words of a hymn came unbidden to their lips. Oscar rose first.
"Amazing," he said. "Nothing of this sort happened when I was sworn to the Way of White."
Lex took to his feet and laughed.
"You don't get it. I find your lack of faith disturbing."
He turned to face one of the docile hollows shuffling absently through the courtyard. He raised his talisman and recited the opening lines once more. The sackcloth began to glow and spit sparks. Lex drew his arm back as the talisman took the form of a vajra and tongues of lightning grew from either end. Lex threw his arm, and the lightning spear loosed from the talisman, reducing the hollow to ash. Lex laughed again.
"Mad. With. Power."
Lex walked back past the bonfire and out onto the bridge. He collected the three items and returned, sitting down at the bonfire. He placed his mace in his bag, then looked at his hands. Just as before, they were covered by the simple traveling gloves of a cleric, with a reddish-brown ring on his left ring finger.
"You know, I wonder how this works. Can I remove my gloves without first removing my rings? Because I don't know when I might need to change my gloves after putting on the Ring of Fapping."
He gave an experimental tug at his left glove. It began to slide off as if the ring weren't there.
"Oh hell yes."
With that, he removed both gloves and put them into his bag as well, the Old Witch's Ring magically resizing to be a perfect fit once more.
"How did you do that?" Oscar asked, taking a seat at the bonfire himself.
"How did I do what?" Lex said flatly, slowly drawing the claymore out of the bag.
"Very well. Another question to ask before dragon slaying."
Lex stood and tested the claymore's weight in his hand. He took a couple of test swings with one hand and then with both.
"Are you sure you want to use such a large weapon?" Oscar asked. "You don't have your cleric-sized armor yet. Can you dodge properly?"
"Yeah, that's why I took my gloves off."
Oscar gave him another sour glare and slammed his visor shut to end the nonsensical conversation before it began. He rose, and the pair passed under the open grate to the main Undead Parish. There was a hollow soldier directly ahead, at the top of a shallow series of stairs. Lex dashed forward and took a flailing swing that sent the hollow's shield skittering across the cobblestone. He followed up with an overhead smash that crumpled the hollow like paper.
"You use that sword like a club," Oscar commented dryly.
"Eh. It works. Now, I really wish I had a macuahuitl, because that's the best of both worlds, but sadly, I doubt I will ever get to use one. Now, do you want to do this the easy but tedious way or the hard way? We won't get another chance to try the hard way if we mess up or die."
"What's the difference?"
"Right, so as you can see," Lex said, gesturing through the archway in which the hollow had been standing, "this road is full of hollow soldiers and also that terrifying armored boar. If you look up, there's another grate that is currently open. Unlike the one we just crossed, this one actually locks on the correct side. As soon as we start to approach, that hollow way in the back there will drop it, causing us to have to take an alternative path. If I make a dead sprint over to the other side, I might be able to get across before the grate falls.
Now, this carries the risk of getting stabbed and-or shot to death by hollows or the boar on the way across. In the best case, it'll leave you stuck on the other side until I can raise the grate again."
"Hmm," Oscar murmured, the sound echoing in his helmet a little. "We've been lucky so far. Even if you aren't a true prophet, I feel that fortune smiles on you. Let's risk the hard way."
"All right. But let's hedge our bets first."
The cleric hugged the wall of the archway and hurled a lightning spear at the hollow soldier around the corner.
"Say, Oscar, are you trained in javelin-throwing?"
"I am. I am afraid it is not a skill I have practiced much lately."
"Eh, good enough."
Lex drew the winged spear out of his bag. Oscar's helmet followed the tip as it rose higher and higher out of a container smaller than his shield.
"Right, so go ahead and try to hit that boar in the face with this. You don't need to hurt it; I just need it to be close enough to blast with lightning. Though I have no idea why lightning spears fizzle out at long range. It's like whoever was in charge of that didn't see how far they went in the opening."
Oscar sheathed his sword and took the spear from Lex. He felt its weight in his hand and motioned for the cleric to back away as he ran through the motions. Eventually, he felt confident in his stance and sent the weapon hurtling at the fang boar. The spear struck it squarely between the eyes and bounced, hurtling back toward the grate. Unfortunately, the steel plates covering the monstrous boar's upper body were much too thick for the attack to do more than annoy it.
Of course, they were also an obvious weakness. The beast lowered its head and pawed the ground before breaking into a charge toward the archway. Oscar raised his shield defensively and took a few steps back as Lex hurled his first lightning spear. Though it didn't stop the boar, the pain sent the beast off course, its thorned tusks catching on the edge of the archway and sending it tumbling.
"Its hind is unarmored!" Lex shouted as he drew back another bolt.
Oscar cleared out of the way and let the lightning strike. He drew his sword and slashed at one of its back legs. The boar squealed and then burst into soul energy, leaving only its armored head behind.
"Oh! Nice!" Lex said. "Want a new helmet?"
Oscar gave him another one of his implied helmet glares.
"For the collection, then," the cleric said, scooping up the severed head and stuffing it in his bag just as casually as he had the crystal lizard's corpse. "This makes things much easier, then. There's a staircase to the right. There's another spearman at the top. Riposte him and then move on to the two crossbowmen on that platform, who'll be shooting at you by then. The swordsmen in the middle could follow either of us, so be careful."
"Understood."
With that, Lex broke into a dead sprint through the archway and up the several levels between it and the grate. The first swordsman rushed toward him, and the crossbowmen opened fire, but he rolled away quickly, walking for a few steps to recover before sprinting again. As he reached the second swordsman, he rolled past it, watching as the third turned to pull the lever and drop the grate. With a final burst of speed, he ran to the steps of the church, pausing to catch his breath as the gate fell. Now he was alone and facing two hollow swordsmen.
He took a quick stab at the one that had pulled the lever since it was lacking a shield, but that wasn't enough to kill it. He quickly backstepped as the other swung at him. Waiting for the swing to clear, he took a step forward again and counterattacked with a wide swing, killing the one he had already struck and stunning the other. Unfortunately, he lacked the energy to follow up, and so the hollow recovered its stance, using its shield to ward against another attack. Lex circled it, slowly edging around.
"Aaaand backstab!" he shouted.
He hit it normally instead and was glad Oscar wasn't watching. Still, the weight of the claymore staggered it, and he was able to finish it with another blow. Sighing, he took the Burg's basement key from the corpse lying on the stairs and pulled the lever to raise the grate. Oscar waved at him from atop the pathway where the crossbowmen had been and hopped down, grabbing the winged spear and handing it to him.
"You call that difficult?"
"I didn't know how it would work out with two people. Normally, it involves jumping from that platform over to here, but I figured… uh… no, wait. Why did I want us to split up? Something about bottlenecking on the stairs. Anyway, let's go."
Lex led Oscar away from the main entrance to the church and up some stairs to a walkway, turning the corner quickly to land a backstab on the hollow Baldur knight while it looked away. As it fell, something clattered to the ground.
"Aha! Titanite!"
Lex knelt to pick up the coin-sized shard. It was cold and slightly glossy stone and had the bizarre quality of feeling both light and heavy at the same time. He gave it to Oscar to look at.
"So this is titanite. It's a little disappointing, to be honest. It seems so… mundane. I thought there would have been some sort of grandeur to the iron of the gods."
"Well, there's this one type that you can only get by decapitating a giant demon that's literally made out of it."
Oscar shook his head.
"No, I meant-" He sighed. "Let's just move on."
The rest of the walkway had crumbled and was replaced with wood, which in turn was green with mold and likely wouldn't last much longer. They crossed into a stone courtyard with two hollow swordsmen and a crossbowman. Oscar rushed the one in the front while Lex ran past the second to hack the sniper in two. As the second swordsman approached him, Oscar stabbed it in the back, kicking it away.
"Another detour," Lex said. "We'll be here for quite a while, actually."
He waved for Oscar to follow him through an archway and across a long stone bridge into a dense forest.