Lex wandered down to the bottommost ledge and retrieved the grass crest shield from the body there before returning to the Black Knight's cave. Beatrice was seated at the bonfire, playing with the various zippers on her gown and hat.
"The hell are we doing, anyway? I thought we we going to see this Logan guy, but we're wandering around in this shithole."
"I said that Logan was about to uncover Seath's secrets. He hasn't done it yet."
"Then say so earlier, kid. Hell. I could've kept working on flutterbutt while I was waiting, but now I can't be assed to walk back over there. Guess I'll just stick with you until we meet Big Ass Scrotum or whatever."
"Isn't this setting supposed to be medieval? Where did you even learn to talk like that?"
"Setting?" Beatrice asked, finally taking an interest in what Lex said. "Yeah, I guess it's pretty dramatic. This whole 'Fate of the Undead' business is more shit than most of the fairy tales I've heard. And those at least have a lesson for the snot-nosed brats. Anyway, my pops was a merc, so yeah."
"I guess that makes sense," Lex said, shrugging. "I'd kind of assumed you were part of some long line of witches trained alone in the woods by their mothers… or something… Are you ready to move out?"
"Move out? You a priest or a soldier, kid?"
She rose and stamped the bottom of her staff on Lex's foot. The thin leather shoes provided little in the way of defense, so he started hopping in pain.
"Ow ow ow ow. It's complicated. Eugh. Come on, we're going out the other side to grab something real quick."
He led her deeper into the cave. There was a long metal shaft at the end. He pulled the lever beside it, and an elevator rose up. They both got on, and the pressure plate released the lock on the chains, sending it back down. They walked out of a small ruin and onto a large pile of rubble.
VALLEY OF DRAKES
Ahead lay a bridge and on the other side, the great sealed gates of New Londo. Between the ruin and there were a number of blue drakes. The one on the bridge had been enormous, one of the first of a new breed which the heroes of times to come would mistake for true dragons. These were "only" the size of particularly large horses.
"I need to get halfway across that bridge," Lex said, pointing. "That means that we're going to have to fight the one in front of the bridge and the one on the bridge itself. The ones on the other side will probably come after me, but I think I can outrun them. Can you provide fire support?"
"I'm thinking soldier now. Hell, you've only mentioned your god like once or twice."
Taking that for a yes, Lex slid down the rubble and approached the first drake. It stomped around to look directly at him and screeched. He ran toward it, and it lashed its neck forward for a bite. He sidestepped and swung his claymore with both hands, tearing into the tough scales. It tried to pivot around to bite him again, but he swung a second time, causing it to recoil from pain.
Lex backed up and circled around. Two hits to stagger. He could get in a third attack, but he'd have neither the time nor the stamina to use a fourth. Or so he thought before Beatrice blasted its head off.
"I don't have all day musclehead!" she shouted, walking toward the bridge.
She fired another soul spear and vaporized the drake midway across before it could react.
"There. Now go loot that corpse, and let's get a move on."
Lex grumbled to himself and ran to the brigand corpse. He tried to remove its equipment, assuming it would just slide free like when he had removed his gloves without taking off his ring. They remained stubbornly attached to the corpse, and two of the three drakes on the far side of the bridge were beginning to take an interest in him. He swore under his breath and dragged the thing up onto his lap. He tried sticking its head into his bag, and when that work, he quickly stuffed the whole thing in, the body deforming like putty as he stuffed it into the tiny container.
By now, the drakes were actually meandering toward the bridge, so he stood up and sprinted across to the other side. Beatrice was waiting for him at the ruin, so he ran straight up the rubble pile and onto the elevator.
DARKROOT BASIN
"Well, that's one thing down," he said, breathing heavily.
"I can't believe you just risked your damn life to grab some dead guy. You a necromancer or what?"
"Nah, I just want his bracers and shield, and grabbing the whole body was faster than taking them off. Necromancy would be really cool, though."
"Holy shit. And people call me crazy."
Lex shrugged.
"So what now, Cleric-Commander?"
"Can you deal with a hydra?"
"Are you sure you feel like pissing off the dragon-god of sorcery by killing his guard dog? I mean, I've stolen shit from him before, but this just screams 'bad idea.'"
"Huh. So Seath was still sane in your time."
"Nah, he was fricking nuts, but you don't go pissing off someone who literally breathes curses."
"We're going to kill him later, actually. If you stand in his crotch, he'll just flail around without hitting you most of the time."
"No shit?"
Lex nodded.
"Let's get a move on, then," he said. "You take out the hydra, and I'll open the path ahead."
They walked back up the ledge to the main body of the Basin. Though trees blocked much of it, in the distance, the massive dragon descendant loomed over the lake, its seven heads slavering. A number of crystal golems dotted the hill approaching the lake. As the pair approached, a few of them began making their way over.
"Later!" Lex said, giving a curt wave as he ran up the other side of the hill.
Beatrice scratched her head with her staff. Magic wouldn't really work against the golems, but they weren't the main concern anyway. She took a zig-zagging path down the bowl, hitting each golem with her staff as she passed. Soon, they were all chasing her as she made a beeline straight for the hydra. There was a colossal slurping sound, and the hydra drew its heads up to their full height.
Suddenly, all seven heads lurched forward, hacking up balls of water the size of minivans. Beatrice dove to one side, and was sent flying as the explosive slash caught her from behind. She was thoroughly soaked, but she's achieved her objective: the golems were in pieces where she had been standing moments earlier. Not waiting for it to take another shot, she scrambled to her feet and hid behind a large boulder near the water.
"Kid gloves are off, you shit."
She raised her staff high, and soul energy began to pour out around her like a fog. The head of the catalyst flashed white, and a massive wall of magic poured out, splitting into four soul spears while in flight. The spears shot wide but then converged again at the base of the necks. The souls tore into flesh, each spear driving through several necks before dispersing. In an instant, each of the seven heads crashed into the lake before the whole thing exploded into souls.
Lex, meanwhile, was having a much more difficult time. He'd fitted the tower basement key into the lock and turned it, but the instant he pulled the door open, there was a rush of air as stone fell mere inches from his face. Bishop Havel, "the Rock," the most powerful cleric in history stood before him. The faintly glowing red eyes of a hollow glared out at him through a visor of stone. Sure, a hollow couldn't use the bishop's deadly array of miracles, but it did nothing to diminish the sheer physical might of a man whose idea of armor was an articulated boulder.
The younger cleric stepped back from the stairs and well out of the range of the man-sized dragon's tooth that Havel used as a club. He raised his talisman and hurled a bolt at the hollow, but it simply raised the slab of stone that served as a shield and blocked it. Like this, it would be difficult to even enter the tower.
"Stop. Andre time."
Lex took a few steps back, then sprinted at the stone guardian blocking the door. At the last moment, he jumped and delivered a flying kick with both feet. Unfortunately, this did nothing but hurt his feet and cause him to collapse on the stairs. Havel slung the shield on his back and drew up the dragon tooth with both hands to splatter Lex all over the stairs. Lex quickly wrapped himself around the bishop's ankles.
"This hand of mine glows with an awesome power! Its-! Ahh, forget it."
He unleashed his point-blank lightning as the greatclub exploded the stairs behind him. He winced as the shrapnel cut into his back, but at least he was safe. So he thought for a moment, before the indestructible monster took a step backward, forcing him to release his grip and roll away. Havel stomped toward him like an earthquake and swung the dragon tooth for another killing blow. Lex dodged to the side and took a good, hard look at the solid stone.
"I have no idea where to even aim for a backstab here."
He sighed and drew up another bolt, jabbing it at the living mountain before the hollow could turn to face him once more. Thinking quickly, Lex backpedaled up the stairs and fired again. This time, Havel blocked it and thundered after him. As he reached the top of the stairs, he jumped off, swearing at the pain in his shoulder as he rolled through the landing. Havel followed immediately, but the weight of his armor was too much.
The monster's rotten legs snapped like twigs beneath him, and the once-invincible bishop fell to his knees before dissolving into souls. Lex picked up the stone ring that was all that remained of him.
"Yeah! Time to wear reasonable armor!"
He left the tower and descended the Basin to the lake. There, Beatrice was examining a ring of her own.
"You won't believe the shit that washed up on the beach after I killed that hydra."
"Dusk Crown Ring. Gold band, green stone. Increases the number of times you can cast but halves your health. Like you needed to be any more minmaxed. Wait. Actually, you're about to get even worse."
"The hell are you talking about?"
"I'm a prophet, remember? I know the Fate of the Undead like the back of my hand."
"That's horseshit," Beatrice said, hands on her hips. "You didn't use tea leaves or lamb bones or anything, and the gods haven't been in Lordran for a hell of a long time."
"There's actually one still in Anor Londo, but that's beside the point. All that matters is that I know things. I know everything. Well, everything that's directly related to the Fate of the Undead."
Beatrice clicked her tongue and scowled.
"Don't get smart with me, kid. Fine. I'll accept your bullshit, but you better get me Seath's sorceries. There'll be hell to pay if I don't."
Lex rolled his eyes and stuffed an entire waterlogged knight's corpse into his pack before continuing back into the massive cave behind the hydra. While his Rusted Iron Ring kept him from slowing in the knee-deep water, Beatrice was not so lucky and plodded along at a miserable pace, all the while complaining about the water seeping up her gown. Eventually, they saw the end of it. There was another golden crystal golem waiting for them.
"The hell with it! I'm sitting this one out!" Beatrice said, crossing her arms.
Lex shrugged and hurled a bolt at the golem as they walked toward one another. The golem leapt high into the air and came crashing down where Lex had been standing, but now he was behind it, another bolt in hand. It roared in inchoate fury and formed a long chain of crystals on its arm as it spun around to strike him, but it was simply too slow. He slammed his electrified palm on its back, and it lost coherency, falling to pieces and revealing its captive.
She was pale, with delicate features. Her hair was braided into a circlet and tied into a bun in back, and feathered wing decorations emerged from behind her ears. Like Beatrice, her courtly gown trailed into the water and was getting soaked. As soon as she realized what had happened, she bowed deeply.
"So, it is thou who rescueth me? Most graciuous. I am deeply obliged. I am Dusk of Oolacile. I cometh from an age long before thine… I can not stay here for long.
So, before I disappear, allow me to ask one thing. My home, Oolacile, is the home of ancient sorceries. My hope is to pass this profound knowledge to thee, with thine approval. Would this be of assistance to thee?"
"Mine!" Beatrice screamed, sloshing through the water to where Lex and Dusk were standing. "Beatrice, the greatest sorcerer of this era! Nice to meet you!"
"That's Logan, actually."
"Shut up!"
Dusk drew back fearfully. Lex interposed himself between the witch and the princess.
"Who art-?"
"Yeah, so, uh, this is my… traveling companion… I guess?" he said, blocking her every time she tried to get past him. "I'm not a sorcerer myself, but I'd appreciate it if you could teach her instead. Mainly because it might get her to calm down."
"I-if that is thine desire. I shalt engrave my signature. If you art in need, pray summon me from my signature. It seems that my time is done. May the great flame guide thee."
With that, she faded into nothingness, as if a phantom.
"Want to see the really depressing part?" Lex said.
He walked a short distance and pulled a corpse out of the turgid water. It was Dusk, dead but preserved by the stagnant lake.
"Holy-!"
Lex dropped her into the water from shock.
"I thought she'd be more… indistinguishable by now."
He picked up the corpse again hesitantly and looked at it. Sure enough, it was Dusk. She looked older, her face more worn, but she had died long before middle age.
"Uh, right, so you're going to want to take her crown. The, uh, wing things on her head."
"Why the hell would-?"
"Bonus sorcery damage."
"Good enough."
She took the headset and stuck it on top of her hat. Lex looked around awkwardly and then decided to leave the body where it was for the time being. Putting it in his bag might have preserved it equally well, but that would have been by far the most awkward thing he was carrying.
"Head back down to the shore. Her summon sign will be somewhere over there, by that rock. I'm going to try to grab something else while we're here. If I'm not back by the time you're done, I died and am probably crying over by the bonfire."
Beatrice snorted and started wading back toward shore. Lex instead approached the waterfall. There was an absurdly long old wooden ladder leading up the side. He sighed and made his way to the top, crossed a rickety wooden bridge, hugged a stone bridge support where the cliffside path had given way, grabbed a soul clump, and climbed another moldy wooden ladder.
DARKROOT GARDEN
At the top, he passed through a crevice and entered the main Garden once more. As he glanced about, more angry shrubberies were pulling themselves out of the ground. Rather than deal with them, however, he simply sprinted ahead, following a line of trees to his left. As he ran, he fumbled through the junk in his bag and removed a charred old bone, gripping it tightly. Soon, he approached the cliffside, and several more plant creatures rose to block his path. He juked to the left, some half-dozen angry vegetables following him.
Eventually, he did reach the cliff and paused to catch his breath as the plants approached. They raised their arms and whipped vines at him, but he rolled clear and began to sprint back the way he'd came. After several seconds, he found himself running out of cliffside, but his goal was in sight. He slid over to the corpse and violently shoved the armored body into his bag. He flipped the cover back on and snapped the bone in his hand just as the creatures caught up to him.
"Ha! Almsivi Intervention!"
He vanished into smoke, only to reappear at the bonfire moments later.
"You know, in retrospect, picking the Tribunal would have been way cooler than Slaanesh. I mean, 'reach heaven by violence' is pretty much the literal description of the first part of the game. I could have been the Nerevarine. I could have been the Nerevarine!"
After he stopped pouting, the cleric left the cave and made his way back toward the lake. His return to the bonfire hadn't respawned the golems like it would have in the game, but there was no sign of either of Beatrice or Dusk. Abruptly, the branch of a tree whipped forward and hit him in the face. The illusion broke, and Beatrice stood there cackling.