When Lex entered the bonfire room, the others jumped. Before either of them realized what was happening, Oscar had his sword to the cleric's neck.
"Lex! Sorry!" the knight said, backing off and sitting down again. "Beatrice said that you were done for, so she made a 'tactical retreat.' Damned cowardly witch…"
"Well fricking excuse me! I'm sorry that commoners have the common sense to avoid dying in the name of some horseshit like honor!"
"Is that what this is all about? Some pent-up grudge against the nobility?"
"Calm down, you two!" Siegmeyer interrupted. "Heavens! Lex has returned alive after facing that fiend, and yet you two put your bickering before his well-being! You should be ashamed of yourselves! I shouldn't even need to tell you, Oscar! And Beatrice, even a mercenary would celebrate the return of a comrade!"
"Hold up there, tubby. When a dead man walks right back into camp, it's usually because he sold us out."
She cocked her head at Lex.
"So what did you tell him?"
The cleric groaned and sat down at the bonfire.
"I told him about a source of infinite humanity that only I could know about."
"Infinite-" Oscar began, dazed.
"Did I ever tell you you were my best friend, kid?" Beatrice said, putting an arm around him. "And best friends share everything. Including their favorite places. Like places with a lot of humanity."
"Lex, that effectively end the curse. Why haven't you mentioned it?"
He scratched his head.
"That won't solve anything, will it? Kindling the bonfires and using humanity to prevent hollowing is a temporary solution, right? And even if the humanity is infinite, it still needs to be harvested by people like us. Even if every knight of Astora went to gather it, there are simply too few to save the whole kingdom."
Oscar furrowed his brow.
"If it's like that, then you're right."
"Besides," Lex continued. "You remember how I said I had received my divine knowledge. The humanity was infinite in my vision because of time constraints. In reality, I think there is a limit. Rather than an infinite spring, it's more like a pool of humanity harvested at the cost of an entire kingdom."
Someone gasped. Lex looked to Oscar and then Siegmeyer, but he was surprised to find it had been Beatrice. She regained her composure quickly.
"Well, let's grab as much as we can before the bastards who did the deed can."
"That's not a problem. It wasn't that the people were killed. When the Primeval Man was accidentally freed, the humanity of the whole kingdom went wild and tore free on their own. You may hear a lot of things about the gods oppressing mankind as this journey continues. Just know that Gwyn at least, I don't think made the decision to do so lightly. And even if all the other gods hate us, Artorias did die for us as much as he did for duty."
"Knight Artorias…" Oscar said, awestruck. "All the stories were true. The most noble knight, first of the Four. Abysswalker, darkhunter. Champion of the gods and protector of man."
"Oh, right." Lex winced as he spoke, "Oscar, I'm… sorry for… killing you."
"Lex, it was an acci-"
"Well, I was planning to give this to you anyway, but consider it an apology now."
He reached into his bag and pulled out a ring. It was dull steel with a circular field beaten out on the front. The image of a howling wolf was engraved into it.
"This is-! Th-the Wolf Ring! Knight Artorias' badge of knighthood! Forged for him at the bequest of Lord Gwyn himself! Where did you get it?"
"Nicked it off a dead graverobber. We can return it later if you want, but I get the feeling Artorias would have preferred it be used to complete his mission."
"I… I will accept this charge."
"Great, because we're going to do that anyway!"
Talking about the world like a game again had helped Lex get away from what had just happened. With the bonfire curing his wounds and fatigue, it was almost like the fight with Kirk was only a failed boss fight rather than a life-threatening encounter. Oscar and Siegmeyer were alive, and all was well.
"First things first, though! We've got got kill that mutant dragon. Now, this is an actual dragon, but it had a rather adverse reaction to the First Flame, so we can kill it easily. Well, as easily as you can kill a reptile the size of a large house, anyway. As a general rule, when we're fighting something this big, we want to get behind it and hack away at its hind legs. Since it's a dragon, we also want to cut its tail off, because dragon tails somehow produce really awesome weapons.
No, really, I don't know how it works. Side note for this particular dragon: if he's vertical, he won't be able to reach you if you back up, while if he's horizontal, he won't be able to reach you if you. Don't touch the yellow stuff. Other than that, not much to worry about. Easier than the Gargoyles."
"If you say so," Oscar said.
"When I left home, I never would have imagined that I would get a chance to slay a dragon. If my Lin could see me now…" Siegmeyer added, dreamily.
"'Knighthood's highest calling,' to quote Hawkeye Gough."
"They have the old stories in Luthor?" Oscar asked.
"Better. I have foreseen speaking with Gough and Ciaran. Ornstein says nothing, the prick."
"We can talk about a bunch of dead guys anytime," Beatrice interrupted. "Let's get back to the dragon-slaying so I can ditch you shits and rob Seath blind."
"He's already blind."
"Shut. Up."
With the conversation forcibly concluded, Lex led the group back down to the long room two or three storeys below. As they'd come to expect, Beatrice started blasting the rats and the slimes before the others could react, so they simply continued while she vaporized everything that moved. They walked up a staircase now and found themselves upon battlements overlooking the vast stone courtyard below. Turning around immediately, the walkway led to a set of stairs and a lower balcony. As with the gargoyles, Solaire's golden summon sign glimmered beneath the layer of grime coating the floor.
Not wanting to touch whatever the slime might be, Lex traced the sign with his foot instead. After a moment, the phantom knight rose from the ooze, making the sacred gesture of sunrise.
"Oh! Well this is quite a group. It's wonderful that you're making so many friends, Oscar."
"Captain!" Oscar cried, stepping forward and embracing his fellow knight of Astora. "It's good to see you again! If only you had been with us earlier… we were given a sound defeat by the Knight of Thorns. I'm sure you wouldn't have had any trouble."
Solaire laughed heartily.
"I wouldn't say that! He gave me quite the beating in my own world! I warned you to keep your shield up and not be too aggressive. I triumphed only through patience and caution."
He let himself out of the bear hug and looked at the others.
"Prophet Lex, it is good to see you again. I trust your errand went well?"
The cleric bobbed his head left and right.
"Well, I didn't go hollow."
"I am glad to see that. Knight Siegmeyer, has Oscar given you any trouble since the bout with the Gargoyles?"
"Of course not! Why, he has come to my aid on plenty of occasions!"
"Well, then. Maybe he's learning from example. My lady, I'm afraid we have not been acquainted."
"Don't give me any of that 'lady' shit. Beatrice. Rogue witch. Dragon School can kiss my ass."
"A pleasure. I am Solaire of Astora, an adherent of the Lord of Sunlight."
"Yeah, I can see that."
"Beyond lies a terrible foe, but I am certain that we will overcome it together. Oscar, if you would lead us…"
The elite knight nodded and descended the last staircase, pushing through the fog. The courtyard was more or less barren. There was a corpse at the far end, the broken columns at regular intervals, and pools of standing water that had fallen from above, but that was it. In the distance, where the floor gave way and the water above fell into nothingness, he saw what seemed to be a crocodile lying in wait. Solaire entered next and placed a hand on Oscar's shoulder.
"Steady. Here it comes."
The floor creaked as the stones on the edge peeled off under the weight of two colossal clawed hands. The crocodile's head rose into the air, higher and higher. Fangs the size of swords ran along its thick neck, trailing down to the creature's belly where they were the size of men. Another pair of hands crushed rock as they pulled the beast up, but there was still more to come. Four wings crowned its back like the legendary eternal dragons, but the monstrosity had none of their nobility.
Six arms with too-long fingers suspended two torsos too bloated for the shriveled wings to carry. A shrunken head with no lower jaw led to an open mouth seated directly on a stomach, acid pouring through teeth and onto stone. Its second torso could only be a second stomach to fill with its insatiable appetite. A tail as broad as a great tree and longer than many such thrashed about as it reared up and balanced one belly upon the other. Row upon row of vertical teeth on either flank flagellated and dripped with saliva.
"Holy shit!" Beatrice said, about to fall over laughing. "We're fighting a giant pu-"
"Siegmeyer, with me!" Lex shouted, pointing to the back. "Solaire, Oscar, keep it busy! Make sure it doesn't grab you! Beatrice, just do whatever!"
Despite the grandness of the entrance, the same could not be said of the fight itself. The creature, which was to dragons what hollows were to humans, was hardly a challenge for one experienced adventurer, much less five. So mad with hunger, it focused only on the food directly in front of it and relentlessly but futilely battered at the knights' shields. In back, Lex and Siegmeyer's oversized swords quickly hacked through scales stretched wide by fat, and the tail soon fell away, shriveling and petrifying into the form of a massive stone axe. Eventually, Beatrice finished some long ritual, and a massive array of magic projectiles fell upon it, destroying it inch by inch.
When the souls cleared, nothing but the axe remained of what had once been a proud member of the race of dragons. Solaire gave a final solar salute as his phantom vanished to aid a Chosen Undead in another world.
"Told you it was easy," Lex said, stretching his arms to wring out the fatigue. "The Gaping Dragon was a total has-been. Seath is of course, a mutant and a cripple. The only real dragon-slaying to be done is Kalameet in Oolacile."
He stuffed the corpse of the dead adventurer in his bag along with the key to Blighttown that the dragon had swallowed but been unable to digest.
"So Blighttown is next, may the gods have mercy on our souls. Seriously. Biggest pain in the ass in Lordran. Wait, I take that back. Bed of Chaos is the biggest pain in the ass in Lordran, but Blighttown is a close second, and it doesn't help that they're related."
"The Bed of Chaos!" Siegmeyer cried. "You mean to do battle with the mother of demons as well?"
"Eventually," Lex said, shrugging. "But that's a long time from now."
They ascended three storeys and then descended one to return to the long room.
"So Oscar," Lex said quietly. "A promise is a promise. I will reveal the secret I was keeping from you, but you must promise that you will not kill Lautrec."
"That is… not a vow I think I can keep. But I will try."
"Siegmeyer," the cleric continued, "I want you to go with him for backup. The Bell is important, but Blighttown is more of an environmental hazard. I could handle the guardian on my own if I needed to."
"Mmmm. I hesitate to leave you and Beatrice to the dangers of that place, but if you insist, I would be honored to help Oscar in his task."
"Right. So, Oscar, the crime that Lautrec is guilty of… is that he will kill Anastacia."
"You… bastard!"
Oscar shoved Lex into the water and took off as fast as his legs could carry him. Siegmeyer, caught off guard, did his best to run after him. Beatrice was left with the cleric. She didn't help him up.
"What the hell was that about?"
"An obviously evil knight that I deliberately set free is about to murder a helpless Fire Keeper from his homeland. I didn't tell him until now because I didn't want to disrupt the knight's timeline. We can bring the Fire Keeper back to life, but the information we could get from the knight could be a vital missing link in my foresight."
"Yeah, you are kind of a bastard, then. Smart move, though."
They continued to the door.
"Aye, siwmae!" a voice called.
"Not now, Domhnall. I'll buy stuff from you when you relocate to Firelink."
The pair approached a massive rusted gate. The heavy key turned in the lock, and Lex pushed the doors open.
BLIGHTTOWN
Below was a massive pit, and a cold wind blew upward. They walked around to an old iron ladder. Midway down, it turned to wood, and they set foot on moldy old scaffolding. Below and ahead of them was a massive hollow, bloated with disease and poison.
"Okay, so we're skipping all of this crap because I don't have the patience for it."
Lex took a flying leap off of the scaffolding toward the hollow. It swung an uprooted tree trunk at him, but he rolled under it and kept running across the creaking wooden planks. Two more obese monsters swung at him, but he charged through without a care. Two horrifying mutants with long faces and huge teeth came at him next, but he rolled between them and ran all the faster. Eventually, the platform came to an end, and he soared through the air, landing on a platform some distance away.
As he knelt to steal a katana from a corpse, Beatrice dropped down beside him.
"That was boring as shit and life-threatening! Wow, kid! You're a double-whammy!"
"Better than tedious and life-threatening," Lex said, shrugging. He dropped down to a lower platform and moved onto a stone bridge. There was a bonfire in the center, which he activated, but he kept moving.
"Get the dogs."
He rounded a stone pillar to another bridge and swung hard to kill a mutant. As he did so, a pair of small, red, hairless dogs rushed toward him. Beatrice spat in disgust but blasted them. Lex continued around the next corner, taking out a pair of mutants before they could reach him. Unimpeded, he continued along the path until it ended, descending one ladder and then another.
He killed two mutants – one armed with a human corpse – as he turned about. Down a ramp was another one of the bloated hollows. Two lightning spears slew it before it could come anywhere close to him. Turning around, he walked some distance along a path and came upon a massive creature of some sort. It had a hugely bulbous main body, with tentacles flailing at the front. It was anchored into the stone wall with four massively powerful talons.
"You want it or should I?" Lex asked as Beatrice approached.
"Ew. Ew. I don't even want to touch it indirectly."
The cleric shrugged and blasted it with lightning. Once its corpse had fallen into the darkness below, he passed where it had been anchored and retrieved a scroll from a dead body.
"Mine!" Beatrice said, her fingers grabbing anxiously.
"It's pyromancy."
"Well screw that."
They returned the way they had come and descended the ramp, entering a cave. After quickly dispatching a mutant, they looked down at the scaffolding descending the interior of the long stone tube. Lex approached a ladder, but instead of descending, he turned left and stepped off the ledge.
"Ow! Owwwwww! Ow!" he panted, rubbing his shins.
He took a whip off of a corpse and jumped down another several storeys, repeating the moaning and clutching his shins. This time, he healed himself before to the platform outside. Coming toward him was a monstrosity, a hideous lump of flesh with countless misshapen insect legs, human hands extending from the foremost pair. It lifted a blob of flesh hanging from the front to reveal a human head as it howled.
"Oh god, it's even worse in person."
"What's-?"
Beatrice shuddered and blasted it before it could get any closer. Seeing one further along the platform, she blasted it too and felt her face just to make sure she was still wholesome. Lex sighed and continued to the end of the platform, descending one ladder and then another. As he stepped off, a dart whizzed past his head. Quickly, he dashed up the ramp and toward a man dressed in bark armor.
With a spinning swing, he cut a gash into the man's chest and sent him tumbling from the platform. Turning around, he found the corpse of a wanderer and stuffed it into his bag. Descending the ramp now, he headed down yet another ladder. He killed three of the horrifying insect-men as he progressed.
"Great! No fall deaths this time!" he said, laughing a little morbidly as Beatrice joined him. "We're headed to the right. There's a stone pipe-thing coming out of the cliff wall with a bonfire inside."
With that, he sprinted down the ramps and past the mutants, not waiting for his companion to follow. With his Rusted Iron Ring, the knee-deep muck of the swamp didn't hold him back, and he was able to reach the bonfire without engaging any more of the creatures. Eventually, the witch reached him, her gown soaked in the poisonous waste of Lordran.
"I will kill you and piss on your grave."
"Go ahead and get cleaned up at the bonfire," he said, taking off his bag. "Look in here for something else to wear while we're here. Don't mind the bodies."
With that, he traipsed off into the swamp again. He hadn't gotten far when he shuddered, and a black phantom began to rise from a small patch of solid ground. A heavyset woman wearing only rags with a sack over her head like the Undead butchers clambered to her feet and howled with hunger. Before she could react, Lex had paced around her and run her through with his long sword. He twisted the blade as the woman clawed at it, but soon, the phantom had dissipated.
He absorbed her humanity and souls and dragged the massive cleaver she had been carrying back to the cave. By now, Beatrice had changed out of her filthy robes and was wearing the hunter's set they had found in Darkroot, but with her own hat.
"What next, kid? I don't want to spend any more time in this shithole than I have to."
"We're running through. After me."
After stuffing the cleaver into his bag and swinging it back over his shoulder, he ran out of the tunnel and to the right along the thin shoreline. He passed two more of the monsters without killing them and ran up a wooden ramp, climbing the ladder at the end. To his left was what seemed to be a water wheel, except there was no reason to churn the still waters of the bog, and the paddles didn't reach that far down. He jumped down onto one of the paddles and waited as it ascended. As it turned vertically, he stepped off of the mysterious swamp elevator and onto another platform.
At the end of the platform was a ladder, and after that ladder, he turned the corner to kill another of the "cragspiders." At the end of this platform was a bridge atop a long tree branch, though the tree itself was nowhere to be seen. Crossing to the other side, he slew another cragspider and swatted at mosquitoes while he waited for Beatrice to catch up. As the witch approached, he pointed at the red-robed, long-masked corpse beside him.
"One of the Sealers of New Londo. She was pushing the limits of sorcery. I thought you'd be interested."
Next to the corpse was a small, dirty cot. The platform they were on had three walls and a roof, so it was likely that this had been the Sealer's home. Under the mattress was a sorcery scroll, which Beatrice confiscated, placing in a roll of scroll cases on her belt. She also took the long, pointed staff for herself, while Lex awkwardly stuffed the body into his bag. The dwelling looted, they returned the way they had come, retreating to the ladder and climbing another. At the end of the platform was a ladder, and Lex pinned himself to the wooden wall.
"Poison dart snipers," he whispered. "Can you take them out quickly?"
"This is a criminal misuse of my talent."
She reached her staff around the corner and blasted the one in plain sight.
"How many more are there, kid?"
"I don't know? Four, maybe."
"They all packed inside there like fish in a barrel?"
"Three are. One's off to the side in another alcove."
Beatrice followed the wall carefully. As she approached the entrance to the dry drain, she flared up her soul force and hurled a soul vortex inside. She hazarded a glance inside and confirmed that there were three dead dart-blowers.
"Where's that other one, kid?"
"On the left."
She followed the wall inside and whirled into the alcove, blasting ahead. She hit only a desiccated corpse, and a dart whizzed over her head, knocking her hat off her head and to the floor a storey below.
"You shit!"
Enraged, she killed this one with a soul spear. The coast clear, Lex came around the corner, looking down at her hat. Two of the hairless red dogs were sniffing at it.
"If those bitches so much as-"
"Just shoot them."
"You shoot them! I don't want to risk blasting it into the swamp."
The cleric sighed.
"Fine. Kill those two over there," he said, motioning to the center of the area. "I'll get those two down there," motioning to the pair directly below the platform on which they were standing. "Then I'll lure those ones away from your hat. Simple?"
"Yeah, yeah."
Beatrice blasted one dog and then the other while Lex hopped off the ledge. He brought his sword down hard and crushed both of the dogs' throats before they realized he was there. He quickly turned and grabbed the Fire Keeper's soul from her corpse, mummified by the bog gasses. He cringed and moved out to where Beatrice had killed the other dogs.
"Here, boy! Fetch the stick!" he said, waving his sword in the air.
The dogs left the hat unmolested and charged at him. As they neared, he took a wild swing and sent both of them sprawling into the wall. After confirming that they weren't just playing dead, he walked toward the hat. As he reached down to pick it up, a soul arrow zapped his hand.
Before he could even complain, Beatrice interrupted, "Don't you touch my damn hat!"
She had killed the dogs at the end of the chamber and descended the ladder instead of jumping down like an idiot.
"Oooookaaaaaay," the cleric said, rubbing his hand.
She stomped past him and picked the hat up gingerly, wiping the grime off the bottom with her pant leg. Swearing under her breath, she pulled the poison dart out before setting it back on her head.
"Anyway," Lex continued, "we're basically done here. I'm going to farm titanite off of some giant leeches before facing the Bell's guardian, but since you don't have an anti-swamp magic ring like I do, why don't you head back up? Go ahead and give this Fire Keeper soul to Oscar."
He handed her the gray, tentacled blob.
"I wouldn't recommend heading to the fortress before us, but there ought to be a sorcerer from Dragon School at Firelink."
"Why the hell would I-?"
"I know you've got some sort of problem with them, but this could be a good opportunity. Not because I think your spells are lacking in any way but because he's a part of the secret society of sound sorcerers. God, that's a mouthful. Anyway, he's basically a spy, but he's either really bad at it or is pretending to be. Between the scroll we got from the dead Sealer and what you could learn from Griggs, you might be able to innovate something really awesome before you even get to the Archives."
Beatrice scratched her head with the gnarled branches of her staff.
"You know, kid, that might be the first good idea out of your mouth. You said you could handle the Bellkeeper alone, right?"
"Yeah. That phantom I killed earlier wants to see how the guardian tastes, I think. I did say alone, but realistically, the butcher can do the whole fight while I watch."
"Sounds good to me, kid."
By now, they had backtracked to the ladder where Lex had taken cover.
"Just head straight up. There's a key in a chest, and there'll be a few more enemies, but then you're home free. Head out the back, cut through the Valley of Drakes, and into New Londo. The elevator goes straight to Firelink. Just make sure you call it down before you try getting on."
"Yeah, yeah, I'm not an idiot."
Lex grimaced but said nothing, so she turned around and headed up the ladder. The cleric reached into his bag and drew out a homeward bone. He snapped it and vanished in a puff of flame. Beatrice climbed back down the ladder and walked to the end of the platform. She drew her own pair of binoculars out of a traveling case and looked down over the swamp.
"You're not getting rid of me that easy, kid. Go ahead and get your titanite. I'll hang around here and see what sort of deal you made behind our backs. Who ever heard of surviving a fight with the damned Knight of Thorns?"