Chapter 31

After a quick exam of his bondmate, Ratchet wanted to scream right along with Frenzy. To throw something. To curl in a small ball like a grieving sparkling, and never move again. The damage this time was immense, and shattering in its implications.

Frenzy didn't ask if Soundwave could be fixed. He could see it in Ratchet's optics, and likely sense it across the bond they shared, even though Ratchet was trying to block the truth. Frenzy was curled up, arms around his knees, head down, optics off. Steeljaw pressed against his back, jaw set and expression frightened.

For Steeljaw's benefit, when he finished the neural exam, Ratchet shook his head slowly. "He had an arc-out while he was in recharge. He's stable, for the moment. His autonomics weren't affected. His code is stable - the failsafes I installed worked. But his higher neural functions are gone."

"Repairable?" Steeljaw asked, voice full of static.

"Not a high chance of it." Ratchet ran a hand over his optics. "Steelie, I need the insulating foil you packed."

"Uh, sure." Steeljaw produced the rolls of metallic mylar foil from his subspace. "C-can I help with something?"

:Frenzy needs you more than Soundwave does.: Ratchet comm'd him, with encryption. :Look after him.:

:What about you?: Steeljaw asked, with concern.

Ratchet gave him a bleak look. :I'm not good. That's why I'm asking you to look after the runt.:

Steeljaw nodded slowly. :We need you, Ratchet. Don't ... don't forget that.:

"I'm not giving up on him yet," Ratchet said, firmly. There was a remote chance of repair, once they were in a proper med bay.

Gently, he wrapped Soundwave in the foil. Soundwave's autonomics were working, more or less, but at significantly less than peak efficiency. He wanted to make sure he stayed warm. The damage from the shorted components was extreme, and getting cold wouldn't help his frame's state. Ratchet didn't think he had any capability of conscious awareness left, though he also wasn't in stasis lock. He existed in a sort of dismal half-life, a twilight between unconsciousness and waking, where the spark was aware because his sensors had power, but his mind was unable to process any data.

Frenzy had twisted around so that his face was buried in Steeljaw's neck. Ratchet eyed him, decided he didn't want to trust the grieving young mech to safely fly them to earth, and headed for the bridge. Ratchet's spark was clenched in a painful knot of loss and sorrow but he knew he could get them down safely. He'd long ago learned the trick of setting aside his emotions to focus on a task at hand.

He would let himself fall apart later.

Optimus invented a sharp breath of air when he saw Ratchet step down Astrotrain's loading ramp. The medic had the bleakest expression on his face that he'd ever seen.

He surveyed the rest of them. Punch, looking a bit confused, and he made a mental note to sit in on the debriefing with Jazz, because Punch couldn't possibly be unaffected by eons undercover. That was a problem for later, however.

Vortex, stood silent and inexpressive behind Ratchet, rotors slack and optics distant. Steeljaw, mouth set in a hard line and plating clamped flat, kept a wary distance from the 'con. Frenzy, clinging to Steeljaw's side, just looked lost.

Jazz and Wheeljack, both just looking miserable.

Ratchet turned and guided a gurney down the ramp. Soundwave's frame was carefully and neatly wrapped with foil; only his hands and face were visible. A spark monitor rested on his chest, and an energon flow meter was clamped to one finger. His hands were folded together. His optics were dark. Without his visor and with his blast mask retracted, he looked younger than Optimus knew him to be. He looked as if he could wake up any moment.

Ratchet, Optimus thought, I'm sorry. I never should have encouraged you.

Ratchet's expression was so terribly lost.

There was absolutely nothing he could do.

"Well, that's it, then." Ratchet said, as if this wasn't Soundwave - his bondmate, his sparkmate, the mech he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He frowned at the read-out with the damning information. There just wasn't enough left of Soundwave's cerebral circuits for any sort of salvage. By the same token, he was stable. Given energon, coolant, a climate-controlled room, and rudimentary maintenance, he could survive for eons as a mindless machine with a spark.

"I'm sorry." First Aid rested a hand on Ratchet's arm. "I'm so sorry."

"So am I." Ratchet sighed. "I need to tell Frenzy. And Killa, I guess. They were officially courting ..."

"I'm sorry," Ratchet said, quietly, to the little mech who sat so still on his desk. Frenzy rested his chin on his knees, his arms around his legs, and was eerily silent. "This isn't like last time. He glitched during his recharge. A massive portion of his processor shorted out. It's slagged. He's got spark containment, some autonomics left, but no consciousness. I'm sorry."

He was sorry for Frenzy.

He was sorry for himself.

That bright future Soundwave had hoped for, it was gone. Last night, he'd foreseen a life with Soundwave. Now, Soundwave was a comatose frame on a slab in his med bay and there was no way to bring him back.

"We should let him go. He wouldn't want to live like that." Frenzy shivered, plating rattling. "I don't want him to live like that, Ratchet. It's not living."

"I agree," Ratchet said, softly. Frenzy had said what he was thinking, as terrible as it was. "And your siblings will welcome him in the well. He'll be waiting for us, someday."

He was terrified Frenzy would follow Soundwave.

He added, "Frenzy - you'll always have a place with me. I love you like we were gestalt."

Frenzy said nothing.

He reached out, and pulled Frenzy into his arms. Frenzy cried softly, then, quiet sobs, and clung to him. He wondered how much more a mech could take. It would hurt Ratchet to lose Soundwave. It would destroy Frenzy. He was terrified that Frenzy would follow Soundwave.

It hurt so much to contemplate being alone, though. He couldn't imagine a world without either of them in it.

"I won't leave you," Frenzy said, perhaps following Ratchet's thoughts. "You need me."

"I want you," Ratchet corrected, "as my friend, as my family."

"I need to be needed."

"Then I need you, too," he agreed, because it was true enough. It felt selfish, but perhaps it wasn't, if that was what Frenzy desired.

Someone pinged him. Killaglitch. Ratchet sighed and straightened up. Killa was Soundwave's kin, and had been talking about bonding with him. He deserved a status report. He'd been hiding in his office all morning, mourning the results of the test results on Soundwave's processor. The medical staff probably thought he was getting drunk, but Ratchet was sober for now. Frenzy needed him sober.

"Enter," he said, voice hoarse with emotion.

Killa stepped inside. He had a datapad in his hands. "I talked to First Aid," the older mechling said, "I'm so sorry."

"We alwats knew this was a possibility." Ratchet ran a hand over his optics. "I knew it better than most. We were never able to clear all of the corrosion out of his cranial case, and a bit of oxidized metal flaked off and landed in a bad spot. It caused a short, and ... well. A lot of slagged circuitry."

"He was doing so well, though. It has to be a shock."

"Yeah. It is." Ratchet said, then offered tentatively, "Would you like ... like to join me'n Frenzy tonight? I know you loved him too."

"Not exactly the touchy-feely type, not really," Killa shook his head. "Song was the exception."

Ratchet's shoulders sagged with relief. He wasn't exactly the touchy-feely type either. Frenzy, clinging to his grille, was a marked exception to that rule.

"You'd have loved him in a bond," Frenzy said, quietly. "He was the best boss ever."

"I imagine so," Killaglitch said, softly. "Look, Ratchet, I talked to Soundwave before he took that mission. He left directives with me, in case anything happened to him. He was going to register them with you, but I think with everything that was going on, he forgot. Or he didn't want you to know ahead of time, I dunno. Jazz said they weren't officially on file, and sent me here to talk to you. So ... so you two don't need to make any tough decisions. He left that to me."

Ratchet was relieved. Frenzy, moreso. They both sat up.

"He ..." Killa sighed. "He said that there were too few carriers in the universe, and that if his processor couldn't be salvaged, a new memory and processor core should be installed."

"We can't pull a data backup from his systems. There was too much damage. We can't restore him because we can't access his memories through his dataports." Ratchet shook his head, in denial.

"He knew that."

"He'd be a sparkling!"

"He knew that, too." Killaglitch met Ratchet's gaze with a gentle, compassionate, look. "He wanted me to raise him. He said it wouldn't be fair for you two to be stuck in a bond with a sparkling, or for the sparkling to grow up already bonded. It won't be Soundwave. The sparkling needs to grow up his own mech. That's the only right way to do this."

"No!" Frenzy wailed.

Ratchet nodded, accepting. It hurt, but he understood.

"No, no, no, NO!" Frenzy screamed. "Just let him go! I can't bear, I can't bear to see a sparkling, I can't ..."

"Shush." Ratchet held Frenzy close. "I'll be here for you."

"If we break the bond with him, I won't be able to feel you!" Frenzy wailed.

"I know." Ratchet rocked back and forth in the chair, soothing Frenzy as he might a small sparkling. "And I'm not a carrier, I can't give you that kind of bond. But I will be here for you. I'll never leave you, Frenzy. You'll always be my friend."

Frenzy just cried, then, wordless and broken, into Ratchet's arms.

Ratchet sat beside Soundwave's still form. Despite the clinical knowledge he possessed that told him Soundwave had no awareness of his presence, he held Soundwave's large hand in his own. He needed to break the bond for the good of the sparkling who would inherit Soundwave's spark.

Doing so was simple enough. He just needed to disrupt the quantum flow for long enough that their sparks desynchronized. He understood, technically, how it worked and all mecha possessed the hardcoded routines to do so. And yet, he thought breaking the bond would be the hardest thing he'd ever done in his life.

He smoothed Soundwave's fingers out. They were slack, without the faint power, tension, and subtle movement that indicated life. Ratchet reached up with his free hand and tucked the insulating foil a little tighter around Soundwave's frame; even though Soundwave's systems were stable, he found he was driven to fuss over him.

It was a measure of how focused he was on Soundwave that he didn't even notice Killaglitch standing in the doorway for several moments. Weakly, he forced a smile at the carrier. "Hi, Killa."

"Ratchet." The symbiont inclined his head in greeting. "How's Frenzy?"

Ratchet let out a long, slow, ventilation. "Not even remotely good. I've recalled Rung. I'm not a shrink, Killaglitch. I'm the farthest thing from a shrink, I think, that the Autobots have. Steeljaw and Blaster are doing what they can, but ... he's not good."

Killaglitch shook his head. "He may follow his siblings."

"I really hope not." Ratchet rubbed his nasal bridge with two fingers. "It would break Steeljaw's spark. And mine. But I would understand. He's lost so much, and they're waiting for him."

"I'll talk to him." Killaglitch shook his head, firmly. "They'll keep right on waiting for him. We need mecha like him. And anyway, Soundwave will still be around - maybe he won't remember Frenzy, but he'll still have the same spark. Most reformats I've known grow up to be very similar to who they were originally. He can court Soundwave again. Given what I've seen of their relationship, I'd wholeheartedly support that, as soon as Soundwave is legally old enough."

"It won't be the same for Frenzy." Ratchet traced one finger down Soundwave's thumb.

A sharply nasal voice startled both of them. "You two are so macabre."

"Starscream." Ratchet rose, armor rattling with active dislike, as the seeker paced through the doorway. "What do you want?"

"More along the lines of, what do you want?" Starscream said, voice a bit mocking. He produced a small object from his subspace (Ratchet tensed) and held it up between thumb and forefinger. "Such a small thing, really. Catch!"

Ratchet instinctively caught the datacube when Starscream tossed it to him. It was actually a larger cube, despite Starscream's words, and of the highest quality. It was the kind, in fact, that mechs used to back their memories up.

Ratchet stared at Starscream.

Starscream grinned at him. "You owe me, mech. Ta!"

Frenzy turned the cube over and over in his hands. The smoky black glass-like substance held a life, or at least most of it.

"Yeah," Ratchet confirmed, to Prime, "it looks like all the data's intact."

Optimus folded his arms across his chest and regarded the foil-blanketed carrier on the med bay slab. "He'll remember everything up to what, about three months ago? That does mean he'll need to go through the grief of losing his symbionts again."

"He won't remember the first time. So it'll only be once for him." Ratchet rubbed his nasal ridge. "And - and I was going to give him a file of my memories of the last few months. Frenzy will do the same. That'll help orient him."

"And the processor?"

"Rung sourced one from a lab on Cybertron. Brand new, never used. It'll be a bit dicey getting it to integrate with an adult protoform, but if it fails, he won't be any worse off than before. Skyfire - Skyfire even managed to rebuild his telepathic mods. We can make him very close to what he was before."

Optimus folded his arms across his chest and hummed thoughtfully. "Will you remain bonded to him?"

"I haven't decided."

"If we restore all his capabilities, he could hurt you, badly, Ratchet." Optimus's brilliant blue optics were softened by his concern for the medic.

"He won't." Frenzy spoke up. "Prime, he won't."

Ratchet reached out and rested a hand on Frenzy's back. He rubbed small circles with his thumb, soothingly. "I love him with all my spark, but he will have no memories of us."

"That won't matter!" Frenzy, voice strident with near panic insisted. "If you love him, you won't give up on him. You won't leave him. He needs you. Ratchet, you can't. You can't."

Ratchet shuttered his optics as Frenzy's emotions wracked him through the bond. "Frenzy ..."

"You know him." Frenzy spat. "He's the same mech. He'll be the same mech. Or did you bond with him because you wanted someone inferior to you - some sick attraction you had to a crippled mech that you got off on taking care of? You can't stand the thought of being bonded to a mech who's your mental and physical equal? Huh?"

"That's not it!" Ratchet snarled, taking two steps towards Frenzy and looming over him. His armor bristled outward in indignation. "I bonded with him because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him."

Frenzy, arms folded across his chest, looked up at Ratchet. Softly, he said, "Gotcha."

"Frag you." Ratchet sounded almost fond as he said it. Frenzy smiled faintly as he felt the real affection toward him from Ratchet's spark.

Optimus, head cocked to one side, studied them. "I think you should give Soundwave a choice after he wakes up. He won't remember anything from his perspective, but he's a highly analytical mech and if you do give him your memories he will put the pieces together."

"I'll pack up a file with mine. You do the same." Frenzy pointed at Ratchet. He nodded acknowledgement to Optimus. "Yeah, let him decide what he wants. I think he'll surprise you. He trusts me and if I tell him to stop and analyze the situation before acting, he'll do it. He won't hurt you, Ratchet. Anyway, I love you like family, and even if he doesn't remember being in love with you, he won't hurt someone I care about."

Frenzy lay on the berth with Soundwave's still form, pressed against his chest. He was motionless and quiet. Ratchet sat beside him, a hand resting on his back.

Ratchet couldn't do the surgery on Soundwave. Technically, he could, but he couldn't. No one was asking him to, either. Wheeljack had the technical skills to install a new processor.

Wheeljack entered, leaving a cart outside the room. The cart had a surprisingly small object, shrouded in an anti-static sheet, on it.

Ratchet took a deep invent. Exhaled. "It's time, Frenzy."

Frenzy sat up, and nodded. Ratchet picked him up, and held him close, and left.

"Put me down," Frenzy said, once they were clear of the med bay.

"Okay," Ratchet said, quietly. He lowered Frenzy to the ground, and ran a hand over his back before standing up.

"You gonna be okay?" Frenzy asked him.

"Are you?"

"No."

"Me neither." Ratchet sighed. He was scared. "Let's go get drunk."

"Sounds like a plan," Frenzy said, with a laugh that held no humor in it.