The tunnel fortunately seemed to be a straight shot up. There were a number of side passages that upon casual inspection ranged from guard posts to overnight rest stops for the gods themselves, but the main path led ever upward. The lamps were all long-extinguished, but as soon as they'd left the light streaming from the entrance, Beatrice raised her staff and emitted a small glowing orb that lit their way.

"Hey Beatrice," Lex said after a while.

"What?"

"So what everyone calls 'sorcerers,' I'd call 'wizards.' Specifically, they have a long list of spells and have to choose which ones they want to use on each adventure while they're resting. I don't think you're the type to sit down at the bonfire and say 'I think I'll need to cast Light while climbing a spiderweb to the city of the gods.' Now, there's another kind of mage that I would call a 'sorcerer' which has access to all their spells at all times. Are you that kind of sorcerer?"

"Uh, kid. That's what a witch is. Instinctive use of magic and power rooted in emotion. Only reason that bitch was able to…"

She droned off into a rant about how she could have wiped out the murder if she'd been angry enough, and the group was quiet for a while after that. Eventually, the silence grew oppressive to Lex, and he began singing.

"There's a lady who's sure… All that glitters is gold… And she's buying the stairway to heaven…"

"Kid, no."

"What?"

"Don't you give me 'what'?"

"What?"

"You're completely tone-deaf, Lex," Oscar said quickly before Beatrice started ranting again.

"I'm not that bad."

"You are," Oscar and Beatrice said in unison.

They both jumped a little and glared at each other. After an awkward moment, Beatrice rolled her eyes and turned away.

"I'm afraid it's true, my friend," Siegmeyer said apologetically, putting a hand on the cleric's shoulder. "Don't take it to heart."

"Slaanesh is the god of music. I didn't even know how to fight before I woke up in the Asylum. I just kind of thought…"

"Your god's a dick, kid. Just like the rest of them."

"Well, I guess Slaanesh is also the god of bad music. There goes my plan for saving Lordran with the power of rock and roll. I guess I can change the plot but not the genre."

The rest of the climb was without incident. Sure enough, the end of the tunnel was bricked up, though a much nicer job had been done on this side.

"So how do we get through?" Lex asked. "Beatrice, you get any big booms from Quelana?"

"I'm more of an anti-personnel girl," she said, shaking her head.

"The gods didn't expect anyone to reach this point, did they?" Siegmeyer thought aloud. "Hmm… Hmm… Perhaps this wall is thinner than the first. The gods themselves would have other means of leaving their own city. This wall might only hide the sealed entrance. In that case, it wouldn't be much of a wall at all."

He removed his helmet and pressed an ear against the cold stone, tapping it with his knuckles.

"Oho! 'tis a simple matter, then."

He slung his helmet back on and backed up a few steps. He thundered forward and rammed his shoulder into the wall, nearly running straight into a bonfire.

ANOR LONDO

"Oh yeah!" Lex shouted.

"Hm?" Siegmeyer began. "You said that when I broke down that wall in the Fortress as well. Does it have some special meaning."

"Uh. It's basically just something that you say when you break through walls. Explaining it would involve a lot of context. I'll tell you later."

"There may not be a later for you," a feminine voice said.

A knight in golden armor stepped between Siegmeyer and the bonfire, one hand on the hilt of her sword. Her body was tensed to attack, but she held her ground as the others entered.

"An Undead will be Chosen. One. The Prophecy must be fulfilled to the letter. The rest of you may return if the first fails in his duty."

"Yeah, Sen said more or less the same thing, except he just made his Fortress more obnoxious instead of trying to kick us out. I mean, he did try to kick us out, but that's because he wasn't done messing with the Fortress. I mean, how does this test even work? Is there like a vault of Lordvessel copies that you give out to Undead one at a time so they think they're special? How do you mass-produce Ornsteins?"

"Strange," she said, tugging at her sword gently. "You know of things no candidate ought."

"I am the prophet of Slaanesh, brought from the land of Luthor to the Asylum to fulfill the Prophecy and blessed with foresight regarding its completion. I have seen every possible outcome and know that all of them are irrelevant. Countless Undead will succeed Gwyn until the so-called 'true monarch' arises in Drangleic ages from now. If I want to make friends on this stupid suicide mission, I believe I have every right to do so."

The knightess was perfectly still for a few seconds. Eventually, she sighed and slid her sword all the way back into its sheath.

"You may be bluffing, but if your god did give you such insight, then the Prophecy may already be undone," she said tiredly. "Be aware that should you try anything foolish, I shall expunge you along with your mistake."

"I solemnly swear not to throw Gwyndolin out a window no matter how obnoxious he is. I make no promises for Beatrice."

"How dare you even consider-!"

"But he's got the scroll of Sunlight Blade!"

"Lex!" Oscar said, throwing his arms up in exasperation.

"I just don't like this whole Prophecy thing, and Gwyndolin's kind of the main dude. I mean, I'm pretty sure Nito wants to be killed. If the gods actually helped out instead of setting up elaborate tests, I kind of feel like the First Flame would have already been stoked just through the sheer volume of bodies thrown at it."

"It is not our place to question the will of a deity."

"You're just saying that to cover up the balloon-titted illusion at the end of this train wreck."

The knightess drew her sword in a flash.

"I will allow no disrespect to the Princess of Sunlight, absent or not."

"You didn't even know her, did you?"

The knightess tightened the grip on her sword.

"Calm down, madam," Siegmeyer cooed. "I'm sure Lex does mean to offend. He's at that rebellious age, I think."

"Actually, that wasn't half-bad. The kid did good," Beatrice murmured.

Oscar hushed her as Siegmeyer continued to try to calm the knightess down.

"Madam, you have my word as a knight of Catarina that no harm will come to Lady Gwyndolin while my body draws breath."

"So we have a ten second window immediately after a jog," Beatrice snickered.

This time Oscar outright elbowed her, but the knightess relaxed and sheathed her sword.

"If you require rest, now is the time," she said, stepping away from the bonfire.

The group all attuned to the bonfire, but they continued up the stairs from the small room where they had entered and into the eternal golden sunset of Anor Londo. Directly ahead was a balcony with a covered roof. Lex led them over to it, stopping in the middle of a circle of white tiles. Siegmeyer nearly continued ahead to look at Gwyn's castle beyond, but the cleric stopped him as the platform rumbled and began to sink. It began a long descent. At the bottom, they stepped off quickly and continued down a spiral staircase to a large entryway sealed by a fog gate.

"I honestly don't get the stairs. Sure, it's nice and impactful, but it's got to be a pain in the ass for anyone who has to come through here more than once."

Oscar wasn't amused.

"Lex, what about what's behind this fog?"

"Just another gargoyle. This one shoots lightning instead of fire. No big deal."

With that, he pushed through the fog, and the gargoyle started running toward them on all fours. The men charged down the stairs to the street while Beatrice yawned and spun up a Great Heavy Soul Arrow. The gargoyle swatted its wings and leapt into the air, swinging its halberd overhead at Beatrice. Oscar deliberately threw his foot out from under him and rolled back, shooting to his feet just in time to catch the blow on his shield. Siegmeyer, meanwhile, had braced his zweihander and spitted the creature as it landed.

Lex, fastest of the three, had run right under it, and he spun around to strike at its tail. It lashed its tail axe at him, but he rolled under the blow and struck again, hacking it off and sending it skittering across the paving stones. As Siegmeyer withdrew his sword, Oscar lunged forward alongside Beatrice's soul arrow, and the two struck at the same time, felling the beast.

"That was mine," Beatrice said quickly.

Oscar simply sighed.

"This way," Lex said, already on the move, half the gargoyle's tail hanging out of his bag.

He walked around the stairs to a narrow path, then hopped down to a second path a storey below the first. He took a deep breath as he climbed onto the buttress of a nearby building and slowly made his way toward the top. When he reached the building itself, he clambered down a column beside the buttress and onto the balcony beneath. Oscar and Beatrice joined him without much concern, but Siegmeyer took his time, walking on all fours to avoid balancing his tremendous weight.

"Funny thing is, there's no door leading to this balcony," Lex said. "Why does it even exist? More test trickery? You enter through this broken window here, but the broken glass is on both sides. Arbitrary mysteries!"

"That is strange," Oscar agreed casually as they entered.

"Hold on for a second," Lex said, holding out one arm.

A white-robed, masked figure wielding two short curved swords leapt down from the ledge above, but Lex hacked it in two before it could recover from its landing. He turned and ran to the other side of the room, where another painting guardian waited. It threw a knife at him, but he ducked under it and ran it through.

"Right," the cleric said, rejoining the others, "Beatrice, this is your time to shine."

"I like the sound of that!"

"I need you to climb that ladder, then cross the series of narrow support beams while shooting all those ninja Klansmen before they throw knives at you and knock you off."

Beatrice flipped him off.

"Right. Oscar, you do it, then."

The knight sighed.

"Fine… Give me that halberd."

He handed Lex his own sword and took the polearm before climbing the ladder against the wall. Sure enough, the support beams were narrow – much too narrow for his liking, as they forced him to take a narrow stance that undermined his stability. Sure enough, it wouldn't take much more than a clever throw of a knife to send him off-balance and several storeys to his death. Worse, the beams themselves formed a hopscotch pattern, alternating between pairs and a single beam at harsh double right angles. Oscar swallowed and set out cautiously.

He made the first two turns easily enough, but as he neared the end of the beam he stood on, one of the guardians began to approach. Oscar hazarded speeding up a little, making one turn and then another onto another parallel beam. The guardian had reached the opposite end at the same time he had and quickly threw a knife. The knight held his ground and deflected it with his shield before continuing. The slight figure made no move as he approached, but at the edge of his halberd's range, it leapt forward, swinging its paired swords.

Oscar shifted slightly, careful of his footing, and swung the halberd lightly, nudging his flying assailant past him and off the ledge. He sighed and continued to the a reinforced platform surrounding some sort of chain.

"Cut it down!" Lex shouted from safety.

The knight rolled his eyes inside his helmet but did so, sending a chandelier crashing to the floor many storeys below. He continued along the mirrored set of parallel beams, hazarding a faster pace to outrun the next guardian. He reached the singleton, but this enemy held its position, throwing knife after knife at him. Blocking was simple enough, and when he reached the end of the beam, he easily knocked this one off as well. Unfortunately, the final guardian charged right for him. Taking a risk, he swept his foot out wide, following the meeting of the beams as he swung the halberd backward to send the guardian hurtling to its doom.

Two more turns, one more beam, then a final turn, and he was on the opposite side. The others had already begun their own crossing, Siegmeyer once more inching along like a steel caterpillar. Once they had all made it, Lex's eyes opened wide.

"I could have just given you instructions. I didn't actually need to go in there at all. Ugh. I nearly had a heart attack crossing, and I didn't even have to fight the guardians."

"Suck it up, kid," Beatrice said, heading outside without the others.

Straight ahead was a short bridge connecting to an even shorter bridge extending from a broad octagonal platform that overlooked the city. In the center of the platform was a belvedere with some sort of device beneath it. Lex approached and pointed toward Gwyn's castle and down. There was another gargoyle, this one without a tail.

"Can you get that?"

"Yeah, yeah," Beatrice said, waving him away.

She raised her staff and fired off a soul spear, shattering its head.

"Cool," Lex said before approaching the device.

There was a lever extending from one side, and he grabbed hold of it, pushing forward with all his might. The viewing platform shuddered and then began to spiral downward several storeys, stopping when the bridge they had just crossed aligned instead with the road to the elevator. With the platform in place, the road to Gwyn's castle was open. Oscar turned to go, but Lex shook his head.

"Detour, hombre."

He pushed the lever forward another quarter-turn, and the platform descended still further. Once it had stopped, Lex crossed the bridge they had come and climbed the stairs to enter the building they had just left, but on the main floor. The massive room was full of the white-robed guardians, though some of them had been crushed by the falling chandelier.

"Incidentally, this is why they're called 'painting guardians.'"

The chamber's width was divided into three parts by two rows of massive columned supporting the arching ceiling. These rows framed either side of a massive painting on the far wall, which stretched to the platform where they had originally entered. It depicted a fortress rising above a snowy mountain forest, an old wooden bridge extending into the foreground.

"Yeah, I don't feel like dealing with these guys. Beatrice?"

"What am I, your attack dog?"

"Would you take it as a compliment?"

She stared at him.

"Please?"

No change.

"Thank you?"

Still nothing.

"Open sesame?"

Beatrice crossed her arms.

"Okay, guys, I guess we'll just fight them all. Not difficult. Just a pain. Paint. Ha. Let's spread out and try to fight them one-on-one. They're quick but not really dangerous if they can't group up."

The three swordsmen divided the room amongst them and moved quickly between each group of enemies in order to keep them from mounting any substantial counterattack. Bizarrely enough, the groups further back simply watched as their compatriots were slaughtered, one group at a time. Only when the attackers crossed some invisible threshold did each group spring into action, and by then, it was too late to mount any sort of defense. Soon enough, the trio had reached the stairs leading to the painting. Beatrice followed in a huff, arms still crossed.

"Right, so, uh, I don't know if this will work with more than one person, actually," Lex said, stopping them while he rummaged through his bag.

"What are we doing?" Oscar asked. "Is there something special about this painting?"

"Obviously, dipshit," Beatrice grumbled.

At last, Lex pulled a wooden doll out of the bag. It had willowy brown hair and a plain green gown.

"Okay, awkward time," the cleric said. "Everyone, hold hands just in case."

He extended his free hand to Oscar, who shrugged and took it. Siegmeyer happily took Oscar's other hand and then reached for Beatrice, who angled away.

"Oh, don't be such a sour-puss, Beatrice," the old knight teased. "Come on. Take my hand."

She just grumbled, but she didn't resist when he reached under her elbow and shook her hand loose. Lex nodded and led them up the stairs. He held up the doll to the painting, but nothing happened. He shrugged and physically pressed the wood to the oil. The dried pigments rippled as if he had disturbed the surface of a lake.

His hand sunk below the surface, gently at first, but then an inescapable current dragged him in. Oscar held tight as Lex's fingers nearly slipped away, and he too was drawn under. With the momentum of the two before him combined with the surprise, Siegmeyer fell forward into the painting quickly. Beatrice, however, had the luxury of a few moments to see what was happening and decided she wanted no part of it. She quickly wrested her hand out of Siegmeyer's gentle grip, tumbling backward down the stairs as the painting solidified once more.

"Well shit."