Chapter 22: Behind The Mask (Rated T for the following content)

'A smile, a grin, a laugh, and a frown are all emotions that tell others how we feel, but none of them are able to speak of our true person and for the first time in her life, Pacifica is tired of wearing her mask and decides it's time to remove it for good!'

(Pacifica's P.O.V.)

Staring into my bathroom mirror, my reflection is gazing back at me and for the first time in my life, I finally see it. I can finally see the person I truly am and I don't like who I see. I taunt others every day, use their insecurities against them, and found the weakest person to treat as my personal emotional punching bag. However, I didn't anticipate on her committing suicide. At the time of learning about it, I didn't give it a second thought, but now that I really think about it, I truly hate myself for that. She didn't deserve to be treated like that, no one does and it was all because of me! All because I chose to take my pain out on her that she is now dead. If I could take it all back, I would, but it's too late. It's too late for her and it's too late for me to say how sorry I truly am. The thought of her family losing their daughter, I can image that really devastated them. Her life is over while mine, I'm in no better shape than her on the inside.

On the inside I'm dead and with each passing day, I'm dying more and more. Why? From lack of love, lack of companionship, lack of bonding. My parents are hardly around, I bully others thanks to the pain I'm harboring, and with no companionship there is no bonding.

It also doesn't help that when my parents are around how coldly they treat me. My own mother constantly criticizes me over every little thing. If I'm not the perfect weight, she criticizes me, if my hair isn't the way she thinks it should be, she criticizes me more, and if my skin isn't the clean porcelain that she wishes for it to be, she doesn't give up with trashing me over it. Well thank you mother for the all the make-up you cause me to smear on my face every day just to make you happy! If only I had the courage to tell you just how much I hate you!

My dad is no different! He is no better than my mother and if having her trash me isn't enough, the united front they put up just to "discipline" me, you two are total jokes! I hate the both of you! It is thanks to you both that I am who everyone sees in this town! I am who everyone hates, wishes to hurt, and doesn't want anything to do with! And it is all thanks to you that I have resorted to cutting myself just to relieve the pain of what I feel every day! However, I can't just thank you two for all of this as two more people are to thank for who I am! Dipper and Mabel, particularly, that brace face! The one person who didn't shy away in fear after I went out of my way to put her down and show her who's in charge! She saw right through me and honestly is the only person who have. I respect her for standing up to me and wish more than ever I could be just like her. Don't have a care in the world, always happy, can smile through anything, but most of all, has someone to care for her. Dipper has someone to protect and someone that will always be there for him. That is what I want more than ever. I want the bond that they share, I want Mabel's carefree attitude, I want someone to hold me and tell me everything will be alright when I feel the need to cry, but thanks to the parents that I have, that can never happen! They want me to be the "perfect" young lady and in their eyes, I'm everything but that, including the constant criticizing that they do on an everyday basis! I just want to be loved! Don't they see that?!

Turning from the mirror, I turn to my right arm and proceed to roll up my jacket sleeve, revealing my damaged arm, the arm I use to relieve the pain that I am harboring. Many of the cuts are still fresh while the others are starting to fade. The cut closest to my hand is bleeding just a small bit as that cut is the newest. After having breakfast with my delightful parents this morning and listening to them tell me how disappointed they are of me once again, I had to do something to relieve my pain since, according to them, Northwests don't cry! That is total crap and they know it is!

For once I just want them to show me the love that normal parents show their children, tell me how much they love me, tell me they are proud of me, show me some kind of appreciation! I want that just this once! Is that too much to ask?!

I guess it is and that is why I am who everyone sees to this day. A rich blonde who is hiding who she really wants to be behind the mask her parents created for her. In their eyes, I am still a work in progress who could be better than who they are raising, but fails to realize that who I am is who they wanted me to be. I'm tired of trying to live up to their standards and for once in my life, I'm removing my mask, this time for good!

Turning from my arm, I spot the razorblade I use to help me make it through every day in my personal hell and with a thousand thoughts running through my mind, the one that stands out to me will tell me what my next move should be. Do I want to continue trying to be the perfect daughter that my parents are trying to mold or do I want to just end it all so I wouldn't have to face another criticizing, lack of love, and constant isolation from them?

Keeping my vision on the blade, my mind is telling me to grab it and end my pain, the afterlife will be so much better than what I'm forced to face here on earth every day, but for some reason I can't. I can't reach for the blade like I do every day when more pain is inflicted upon me by my lovely caretakers. What is stopping me? Why can't I do it now? Why can't I pick it up and add another line to my already damaged life?

Is it because I am still wanting what is out of reach of me?

Am I still hoping to one day be loved by my parents?

Am I hoping that one day the mask that I wear now will stop defining who I am?

Why can't I grab it?

Turning my vision back to the mirror, I see my reflecting gazing back at me, showing me once more the person I truly am and am not proud of. I'm sick of wearing this mask that was created for me and now, I'm removing it, this time for good!

Going against myself, I grab the blade and hold it close the skin on my wrist, in a new spot that hasn't been opened from my deep pain. I see my hand shaking, I feel sweat forming on my forehead, I can feel tears pouring out of my eyes, and my pulse quicken. Just one cut and it would all be over; my pain, my suffering, and I'd finally be free from my personal hell. After all I've done to others, especially to that poor girl that committed suicide all because of me, I deserve to be where she is while she deserves to still be alive, but it's too late. Too late for her and too late for me. Once I feel the cold blade run across my flesh, it'll all be over!

Still holding the blade against my skin, a million thoughts are running through my head, none of them giving me a good reason why I shouldn't go through with what I'm planning. With my hand still shaking, the blade falls out of my hand and onto the bathroom floor. I couldn't do it, I couldn't put another line on myself no matter how much pain I'm harboring. Deep down, I'm still looking for my parents to finally be who I want them to be. Deep down, I know one day I will finally get to be who I want to be. Deep down, I will finally feel the love I am seeking! Deep down, I know it will all happen and that is what stopped me.

My tears are falling heavier with me now breaking down into a full blown cry. I collapse to the bathroom floor and curl up into a ball. Hiding my face behind my arms, I cry and with each tear that falls, I am feeling myself dying inside that much more. I couldn't end my existence which means until things change, I will forever remain a prisoner in my personal hell, the personal hell that I helped create and that my parents will make sure I remain in.

One day, things will change and deep down, I know I will have someone by my side when I need them.

I've always wanted to do a portrait of the "true" Pacifica and I guess that's what this is. So how was my depiction? Good? Bad? Never try this again? All the same, thanks for reading and for those whom haven't as of yet, please check out the latest update for Prophecy's Light as chapter 7 will be coming out very soon! please Fav/Follow/review the fic as it is motivation for this author!

Review Please!