PAINTED WORLD OF ARIAMIS

Eventually, the invasion timer ran out, and Jeremiah simply faded away. Siegmeyer sighed and put on his helmet once more before rejoining Lex and Oscar. They were playing cards on a pew in the ruined chapel beside the field after having wandered off to avoid the awkward fatherly conversation. They'd killed the phalanx in the courtyard while waiting and assumed that Siegmeyer might go on talking until the Fire faded. Their game of rummy had only just started, but Lex was already losing quite badly.

"Oho! There you are! Shall we continue or are we taking a break for now? I'll play the victor if you want to stay out of the cold a while longer."

Lex quickly tossed his cards onto the bench and rose.

"Nope. Good to go."

"Such a sore loser…" Oscar said mockingly.

"I know better than to try to win that sort of hopeless battle," the cleric said, sighing. "Speaking of which, the next part is really obnoxious, so I'm going to see if we can skip that too. Siegmeyer, can you get a good grip on that statue?"

"Hm? Well, I'll give it a try."

The old knight wandered out into the snow. He reached up and scratched at the top of the podium but was unable to reach the statue proper.

"I'm afraid I can't quite reach."

"What about the base? The whole top part should be able to spin, I think."

Siegmeyer stretched his arms to take hold of two corners. He grunted as he strained, but the statue wouldn't budge.

"I'm sorry, Lex. I can't get the leverage to move it at this angle."

"Ugggggh," the cleric sighed. "The sewers. The sewers. The bonewheels. Right. Shields ready."

He flipped open his bag and pulled out a hideous yellow and black shield with green vines drawn overtop. He slung it loosely on one arm and walked to the left of the statue, passing under some impaled Undead. Between the building and the wall was a small alcove in which an old well sat. The side had been deliberately broken, and there was a sturdy wooden ladder leading into its depths.

"All right, so…" Lex began. "Basically, we're going to go down into some wet, narrow passages and get jumped by skeletons rolling on spiked wheels. I don't remember where exactly they come from because it's dark, so keep your shield up at all times. Try to knock them aside, because they can keep spinning in place, somehow, and your arm will give out, and you'll get turned into mincemeat. I'm going to try to get to the mechanism we need to activate, so you'll need to cover me when I see it."

"Understood."

"You didn't even need to ask, my friend."

They slid down the ladder one at a time. The bottom of the well had been carved open into a series of tunnels, puddles of water scattered across the cave floor. Lex followed the first short passage to its end, shield raised. As it connected to a longer passage at a right angle, something whizzed past in the dim light, sparking as it glanced his grass crest shield.

"Get ready!" he shouted as he took a step back.

The thing shot back down the hall, swerving into the other passage and grinding against the cleric's shield. Oscar jabbed under Lex's arm quickly, catching the thing. Sure enough, it was a skeleton hanging out of the axle of a spiked wooden wheel. The spokes caught on the titanite blade and ripped to shreds. As the skeleton fell over, Lex stomped on it repeatedly, even after they'd received its souls.

"Something from your past 'experience'?" Oscar asked wryly.

"I don't want to talk about it."

The cleric led them to the end of the short hallway and turned left, then right at an intersection. Directly ahead was a sheer wall. Lex bobbed his head and gave it an experimental kick. It gave immediately, vanishing into smoke.

"Well. That illusory wall was actually an illusory wall. Huh."

As he spoke, another bonewheel turned to face him, getting a jogging start before jumping into a roll. He threw his shield up to block it, and Siegmeyer hefted his sword over the cleric's shoulder to crush it.

"Phew. Thanks. That surprised me."

He took another step forward, and a third bonewheel rushed out of the darkness, nearly running him down before he threw his shield up desperately. Oscar shoved him out of the way and smashed the skeleton into the wall with the flat of his blade, shattering its skull.

"I'm just going to stop talking, because they apparently hate the sound of my voice."

A fourth splashed toward them and then a fifth. Now in front, Oscar blocked one of them while Siegmeyer squeezed past Lex in time to intercept the next, using his small, spiked shield as a battering ram more than a defense. The old knight sent the first clattering into the ceiling, then swung his arm back down to crush Oscar's.

"Excellent teamwork, my friends!" he said, rolling his shoulder. "Lex, if you would."

The cleric nodded and moved in front again. Beyond the false wall was an open room supported by square columns. The nearest had a pulley with a crank set into it. Lex rushed to the device and began turning as quickly as he could. Oscar and Siegmeyer set themselves on either side and waited, shields raised, for another attack. Eventually, a grinding sound came from above, and Lex let go of the wheel.

"That was anticlimactic," Oscar noted as Lex put away his shield.

"It's worse when there's only one person," the cleric replied sheepishly.

Quietly, he turned back the way they had come and led them out of the well again. The statue of the mother and child had turned to face the other direction, facing an open doorway at the top of a broad stairway. Inside the shallow entryway at the top was another short staircase framed by columns, with a fog gate blocking the doorway.

"What should we expect?" Oscar said, stopping.

"Nothing. This is just a progress indicator, really. The boss fog is a bit further on, and as mentioned, we're not fighting her anyway."

"Got it," the knight said, relaxing.

Siegmeyer nodded but was too ready to be done with the world full of impaled corpses and carrion birds to relax. Lex dispersed the fog and stepped into the room but stopped abruptly. The room ought have been empty – the ruined ground floor of some Tower of Babel knockoff, with rubble strewn across the floor under a blanket of snow. A spiral staircase should have led to the top of the ruined tower, where there were entirely too many crow demons and the red sign soapstone.

These things were technically still there, but it bore little similarity to what would have been expected. A disco ball hung from a wire suspended between two windows, and blinding pink spotlights shone on it from the underside of the staircase, going all the way to the top. Between every pair of the many pillars supporting the tower was a massive speaker, and now that the protective fog had gone, absolutely filthy dubstep howled through the silent winter night. The pointlessly big empty room was overcrowded by hideously beautiful pink monster women, their bald heads crowned by horns, and crablike claws snapping in time to the music. In the center of the vortex of light, sound, and bodies was a stunningly beautiful blond woman.

She wore only a corset with leggings but that was more conservative than the mere loincloths worn by the monsters about her. Like them, horns ringed her head, and a tail with a sickle-like end flitted about the floor.

"Llllllexy! So glad you could make it!"

"Uh?"

When she walked, it was with such grace that she practically floated, leaving no impression in the snow. She threw out her arms and grabbed the cleric, stuffing his face in her cleavage.

"Uhhh?"

"Come! Oscar, Siegmeyer, I'm going to borrow sexy Lexy for a bit of a chat. Feel free to mingle, the girls are all single."

She giggled and began to drag Lex away. Oscar quickly grabbed his scabbard, pulling them back.

"Wait just one moment. What's going on here? Lex said there was nothing in this room, and that this world was a prison. I'm not going to let you drag him off like that."

The knight held his sword at the ready. Siegmeyer, who had been desperately trying to find somewhere to look without exposed breast, likewise snapped to attention.

"Oh, Lex and I have a very intimate relationship," she said, licking the side of his face with a long, snakelike tongue.

"Is that just a thing people are doing now?" he complained. "Do I need to reduce the salt in my diet?"

"Lex!"

"Uh. Yeah, gimme a…"

He glanced down. The woman had a sizable bulge in her corset bottom.

"Yep. Well, I have never been more confused, but this is definitely Slaanesh."

The goddess laughed a deep, throaty laugh.

"Oh, you know me too well, my beloved prophet."

"Yeah, well, I'd kind of like to know exactly what happened, because this crossover doesn't make any sense. Even if it did, Undead are kind of a Nurgle thing."

"Blame that on your own taste daaarling! I had the delicious idea of using games to get my beloved slaves into fighting shape. This dreary wasteland just happened to suit you best."

"And the part where I was lying about the whole prophet thing and more or less chose your name out of a hat? I seriously could have chosen the Tribunal or YISUN or someone."

"Oh, no! You knew it was me. You've just… forgotten the circumstances of your arrival here. I'm sure it'll come back to you with the right… 'motivation.'"

The cleric unconsciously glanced downward again.

"Uh. No thanks."

The goddess sighed and looked to the knights.

"Well, there you have it, boys. Just let me borrow Lexy for a teeny bit. Enjoy the party."

More or less satisfied, Oscar let them go while Siegmeyer tried to navigate to their original destination, the open door on the far side of the room. The younger knight had conflicted feelings on the party, the likes of which he'd never seen before. Eventually, though, he removed his helmet and clipped it to his belt before trying to mimic the wild dance of the daemonettes. Slaanesh, meanwhile, dragged Lex up the first flight of stairs, to what was the more usual entrance.

"You know, Lexy," she said sultrily, "I'm the last to complain about someone being too social, but you really shouldn't be picking up strays like that. How are you supposed to reach your full potential if you have other people to help you through challenges you're supposed to face alone? There are few things I'd say are wrong," she chuckled, "but this is wrong."

"Can I at least wait until I've fought Laurel and Hardy?"

The goddess frowned subtly.

"Well, what am I supposed to tell them?"

"Knights are men," she snickered, "of faith. They'll understand if you tell them the truth."

"What about Beatrice? She probably won't take no for an answer."

"Ohhhhhh," Slaanesh dragged on, "she's already been taken care of."

"If you say so," Lex said, quirking an eyebrow. He thought for a while, trying to avoid the goddess' piercing gaze, then spoke again, "Can I make a request?"

"And what might thaaaaat be?"

"Can you only give me useful mutations? Because I can't really Iron Warrior it up here if you turn me into a horrifying mess of tentacles. Probably. Andre might be able to help me pull a Götz von Berlichingen, but that's about it."

The goddess just smiled, her mouth growing ever wider until her lips had reached her eyebrows.

"Ah. Crap."

Oscar, meanwhile, had become quite popular. While his movements were still crude, his armor lent his movements an extra weight that was unique in comparison to the daemonettes' flawless grace. They crowded around him, watching enraptured as he flailed with the abandon of a soldier given leave after a long campaign. Siegmeyer was long gone. At last, the prophet and his god returned to the dance floor.

Lex was even more awkward than Oscar at first, but when it finally sank in that there was no one who would even consider judging him, he broke out long-hidden knowledge of disco moves. Time bled into endlessness as the beat throbbed into the eternal night. The spell was only broken when Siegmeyer at last returned. At his side was the Xanthous King, the long crown unraveled to reveal gray hair and worn but regal features. Behind them, nervously playing with an enormous scythe that loomed over all of them, was a woman in all white.

She had long, feathered hair and wore a trailing fur coat that darkened as it approached her bare feet. Her eyes gleamed gold and were slitted like a serpent's, and some small horns jutted from her forehead like a tiara. A long, furry tail wagged happily behind her, though she tried to hide it.

"E-excusest mine intrusion," she said quietly, her voice barely audible over the bass.

Oscar was completely absorbed in the dance, but Lex noticed her towering over the daemonettes. He began to make his way toward her, but Slaanesh grabbed his shoulder. The half-dragon squinted, leaning forward on her scythe. The goddess quickly spun the cleric about and began pushing him toward the courtyard entrance. The crossbreed took her first step into the room, and the lights and speakers within arm's reach vanished without fanfare.

"Mother?"

The daemonettes near her turned into masses of crows fluttering in humanoid shapes.

"What trickery is this?!" Siegmeyer shouted, slinging his sword to the fore.

Oscar managed to hear that. He turned and tried to reach them, but the daemonettes surrounding him wouldn't let him pass.

"Mother, what is all this?"

The crossbreed hurried into the room, light and sound fading to shadow and silence as she passed. Oscar found himself trapped in a circle of crow demons. He glanced about cautiously, putting his helmet back on and setting one hand on his sword. Lex's sixteen strength wasn't much, but he was still able to wrench himself free of the goddess' grasp. As he turned, her disguise fell away.

She was a tall, thin woman, with pale skin and long black talons. Her hair was inky black and fluttered back like a pennant before falling to her ankles. Her lips were black, her nose was long and sharp, and a blindfold covered her eyes. She wore a trailing black evening gown with a collar of crows' feathers. Still, she was ephemeral, translucent – an illusion of the moonlight streaming in from above.

"This makes way more sense!" Lex said, sighing with relief.

"You stupid girl!" the rogue goddess spat. "One thousand years of exile, and you still cannot control your own power! Do you not think these illusions had their purpose? Did you believe I would set aside everything to embrace you with open arms?"

A thunderous crack interrupted the witch's tirade. Blood splattered across the snow as Jeremiah's whip tore out the throat of one of the crow demons. Oscar quickly forced his way through the blockade before the others could react.

"I am a failure of a parent, but thou art a monster! Leave the girl be!"

"What business does the consort of a dead kingdom's dead queen have addressing a god?"

"I will-!"

"It is quite alright, Sir Jeremiah," the crossbreed said meekly. "Mother speaks the truth. Yet… When last the gods condemned a prisoner to my care, he was one of thy Pardoners. Sir Ornstein said thou art exiled from Anor Londo. What is thy purpose here?"

"Why, I'm fulfilling the last order of the Great Lord Gwyn, of course. Surely, such a task is more important than some silly exile imposed by his lessers, jealous of his favor bestowed upon me. Now, silly girl, listen to your mother and keep these troublesome Undead here. Only the cleric may leave this world. Do you understand, or should I repeat it to make sure it sticks in your stupid reptilian brain?"

"I…" the half-dragon said quietly. "I understand, Mother. I wish thee well in thy travels."

"There's a good girl," the goddess cooed. "I'll be there in person soon, so don't fret your silly little head. Do a good job, and I may even pat your head. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"Yes, Mother," the girl said dutifully.

"Ta-ta. See you soon," the witch goddess said, holding one hand up in farewell as her image faded.

"You all heard Mother," the crossbreed said plainly.

Oscar drew his sword, while Lex went for his talisman.

She shook her head quickly.

"We must hurry and warn Sir Ornstein before she doth arrive!"