Laying there with her, that night, left with only his shallow feelings and a heavy heart keeping him anchored to the ground, the idea of saying all those things he should never say looked dangerously closer than ever.

Will could deal with it for a little while. He told himself to be happy for her. Her happiness was what he really wanted, right? He told himself not to be selfish, but, in the end, the thing he told himself not to do always won over what he knew he should. It always turned out that way. Will didn't know why he didn't think it would.

It was nights like these that almost forced Will to look deeper at it. At Alyss. Himself. Them. Those thoughts became more than just feelings swimming around inside him with no direction. Now they were coherent words, ideas, and arguments. It always happened whenever Will and Alyss were alone together, on nights like tonight.

There were no stars out or Will would've told her all about the constellations. She probably knew them by heart by now, but that didn't discourage Will from telling her over and over again every time he got the chance. It was mostly to impress her, and whether Alyss knew that or not, she didn't seem to mind.

His feelings for Alyss were deep. Surely they were, right? Will thought he'd had feelings for her as soon as, even before she kissed him that one day. And Will wanted to say he could still feel the touch of her lips on his, but that was a lie. He couldn't remember it at all.

The only memory he had of that kiss was that it felt nice, and it gave him butterflies. And he that dreamt about it the night after. But not the night after that, and not the next night, either.

Will knew he had a tiny crush on her in the years after that. What was not to like? She was a kind, strong-willed girl, as tough as she was beautiful and gentle. She was his rock, in all the years they spent in the Ward, the only one who ever sat down with him and talked to him, really talked. She was the kind of comfort that lied somewhere between a sister and a best friend. Then she kissed him, and his whole perspective of her changed. She wasn't a childhood friend anymore, she was a crush. But it was strange… Will never asked himself if he loved her.

It was just a cute crush a kid had on his best friend, nothing more. He liked her, but he never loved her. At the time, it didn't sound like such a sad thing to think, but she deserved better.

Will had to look to the side to make sure Alyss was still awake. She was, and she turned her head back to meet his eyes from across the grass and smile at him.

Moments like these made Will want to forget they were on a mission. He let himself imagine, just for a second, that this was completely normal. And Alyss would fall asleep with him, outside, below the night sky. They'd curl up next to each other and let the time pass them by without caring to keep track.

Eventually Will always had to pull himself back into reality.

The announcement of her and Jackson's relationship was such a shock to him, although he couldn't place why at the time. She did it in such a casual way that it was impossible for her to have known how it made Will feel. For a few seconds his heart stopped like it was paralyzed. Something that should've just been a mental feeling suddenly became so painful he felt it throughout his physical body, and that made it hurt ten times more. It didn't stop, and he never found out how to make it.

Jackson was an Araluen Duke's youngest son, with a high enough status to date a Courier but not so high that it became a significant position of power for Alyss. Will respected the man, and it wasn't like Alyss picked the most boring, standard, take-home-to-your-mother kind of guy. Jackson was often impulsive and liked to be the focus of people's attention. He was interesting. It made him a fun guy to be around, but it didn't turn him into a jealous person. Not like Will was. It made everything so much more frustrating for Will, because he couldn't say that Alyss made the wrong choice.

Alyss wasn't his. She never was. The idea of her getting into a relationship with another person always sounded so far-fetched because they were just kids. Now they weren't kids anymore. It had taken years, but Will's crush on Alyss had become something natural. He got used to feeling jittery whenever she was around, almost turned it into a game. She deserved so much better than a game. She deserved better than a crush that only got serious when he lost her.

And she was never his to begin with.

The moon above them disappeared for a short time behind the clouds, and for a while everything was darker than before. The moon was their only light. It was the only way Will could see Alyss's face, when he occasionally turned his eyes over to her and caught a glimpse of her. Outlined by the moon's light, she looked too beautiful for this world. Too beautiful for anyone.

Will knew he should be happy for her. He had enough common sense to not go so far as to sabotage her and Jackson's relationship, but he couldn't keep himself from averting his eyes whenever they held hands or kissed each other a quick goodbye. It was a defense mechanism to protect himself, a way to keep himself from hurting so he could try to ignore the fact that he was feeling something much deeper.

"Are you alright?" Alyss whispered. Will turned his head to the side and noticed she was staring at him. The moon had emerged from the clouds by then, so they could see each other again. She said, "You look like you're really sad."

While she spoke, she also had on the look that there were a million more things going on in her head. She was studying him. It was a good feeling, to see her looking so closely at him. Will wondered if he even deserved it.

Unlike how it'd been for the past five years, Alyss was in all his thoughts. Every flaw she had gave Will a deeper understanding of her, and he wanted to learn them all. In every role he had placed her in his life, she was beautiful: as the best friend, the crush, the sister, or the (if he fantasized about it) girlfriend. It was just that: she fit perfectly in his life, in every possible way.

At first he tried to fake it to himself. He nearly convinced himself this burning jealousy was just frustration leftover from his first semi-heartbreak (he didn't call it heartbreak because there was never anything in between them to get over, it was all in his head). And that lasted for… about a month. Then Will had to sigh, give in, and admit to himself that now that Alyss was unattainable, he liked her more than ever. He was stuck like that now. Stuck with the selfish feeling that he should be with Alyss, even when he was the one at fault.

"Kind of." Will was dancing so close to the edge of telling her everything, but Alyss made him want to play that game so dangerously. "I was just thinking."

A tiny smile curved its way up her lips, spreading so easily like she was born to smile like that. It was there before he even knew it. She looked like such an angel… "Clearly," she said.

She was not the girl he wanted just because he couldn't have her. Will wasn't that shallow. At least that's what he wanted to think.

But that was fine. It didn't matter. Either way, he could fake it for a little longer until these feelings hurt too much for his brain to accept them. If Will couldn't be happy, then maybe Alyss could. He didn't care if it was at his cost. He probably deserved it.

How long could he keep this up? he wondered.

Alyss turned her head back over and closed her eyes. It didn't quite look like she was going to sleep, but Will couldn't be sure.

"You should get some sleep," he told her. "We've got a long ride ahead of us tomorrow."

"Yeah, I will."

Will wanted to kiss her goodnight instead. He wanted to hold her and feel her sleeping in his arms rather than watch it and fantasize about it from a few feet away.

If Alyss broke up with Jackson, would he still feel this way, he wondered? Or would she always have to be the girl he couldn't have?

There was only one way to find out, but he wasn't about to test it. He couldn't.

"Will," Alyss whispered.

"Alyss?" he replied, if only to be able to hear her name again.

She paused. "Goodnight," she said.

Will rolled his head back over to rest on the side of the ground, so he could face her when he said goodnight. She looked more beautiful than anything he could see in the sky… Now was that shallow?

Will's mouth opened to say "goodnight" back to her, but his head had other plans. He had a feeling he knew what he was going to say, subconsciously, and he was too tired in that moment to stop it. He always wanted to do the things he knew he shouldn't.

Reality couldn't keep him chained down now.

"I love you," he whispered.

Alyss's eyes snapped back open.