One of the more awkward things about being a tireless immortal in a land frozen in time meant that there was no especially obvious reason to end a party. At some point, Oscar returned from visiting Anastacia, and his presence breathed new life into the reception. Still, there came a point where Lex had run out of amusing stories to tell, and yet there was no end in sight. Eventually, he decided to sneak out, careful that his new sword didn't jangle too much as he tiptoed toward the massive double doors. As he tried to silently shut them, he found that they resisted closing all the way.

A chitinous leg cracked them back open. Quelaag leaned on the edge of a door, looking down at him expectantly.

"Where, exactly, do you think you're going?"

"Restroom," he said quickly.

While neither Undead nor any of the non-human races produced waste, food altogether burned up as soul energy instead, Sen had been intrigued by the idea of indoor plumbing. From Lex's vague descriptions alone, the god of artifice had developed a functional system of hot and cold running water. While toilets were unnecessary, the idea of lounges where one could wash up and sit down to relax had been appealing enough for the god to build several of them.

"Honestly," she sighed. "If you wish to retire, simply announce it. We are under no obligation to chaperone our guests, but to abandon them is disgraceful."

"I was going to come back… Fine."

Quelaag opened the doors all the way, and they turned to face everyone.

"Second Princess Quelaag and her Consort Lex appreciate your gathering here, but we shall retire at present. If it please you, continue to enjoy yourselves."

The guests all gave brief farewells, and the couple turned away. Fortunately, Quelaag didn't catch her elder sister making lewd gestures as Lex shut the doors behind them.

"You know, you could have stayed longer," he said awkwardly.

"No, I believe I needed a break as well, after the way I behaved earlier. It was disgraceful, even to an uninvited guest. I do wonder who that was. You don't know, and Sister has refused to say. Perhaps one of Brother Vamos' acquaintances. He has not spoken overmuch of his resurrection."

"It's completely blindsided me. I'd not seen Velka before I came to Lordran, but I had heard of her. There shouldn't be any talking skeletons but Vamos."

"Interesting. But unimportant for now. I also needed to speak with you privately about what was said. Shall we retire to our chambers?"

"Ye- oh. Yes. Yes!" Lex stuttered as it finally began to sink in that he had gotten married.

The Belltower had originally been built above the Izalith elevator to warn of demon attacks. Since Gwyn's death and Gwynael's exile, it had fallen into disrepair. Only Ornstein was left among those who had known about it, but as Anor Londo crumbled, he could do nothing to support a secret base so far removed from the city's political games. In the short time since abandoning his Fortress, Sen had descended upon it with a small army of golems and expanded the small, broken tower into a sprawling pyramid that overlooked the great dome of the Witch's palace. In this early stage, the vast majority of the rooms were incomplete, but a number of living quarters were finished quickly thanks to furniture stolen from the unsealed passage to Anor Londo.

As Quelaag unlocked their door for the first time, the couple realized that had been a mistake. Everything was too short for Quelaag and too tall for Lex, with the exception of the human-sized chairs. There was simply no seat appropriate for the drider's body, so they had provided only for the cleric. Despite this and despite neither having any need for sleep, there were a number of demigod-sized beds pushed together at one end of the room. They both tried not to stare at them.

Quelaag quickly made her way to a wardrobe, on top of which the golems had left her few remaining possessions. Lex ducked into the attached bathroom. There were a pair of sinks and even a large brushed steel mirror. His mind wandered to Aldia's Keep, but he turned on the tap and started to wash the ash from his forehead.

"I must admit," the witch said slowly, "what that skeleton said frightened me. Not just that Quelaav would sacrifice herself. That I would be a widow so quickly. I had thought it was that Oscar fellow who was to give himself to the Flame."

The water stopped.

"Well, we hadn't really discussed it. Kind of a heavy thing. I think we both just sort of assumed it would be obvious who would go when we got there. And now that Solaire's around, he'd probably fight us for the right to do it. I mean, obviously, best outcome is that we can get a bamillion duplicates of the Lord Souls, and no one has to die."

He wiped his face with a towel made from an old tablecloth and walked back into the bedroom.

"But really? You were, uh…?"

"Don't misunderstand." Quelaag said quickly. "While I must admit I find you somewhat… charming… I would hardly deign to call it anything more than infatuation. Still… I would miss you."

"I would miss me too."

The witch snorted, trying to keep laughter from spoiling her serious mood.

"Well, it's wonderful to know who holds the fondest place in your heart, dear."

"I… do have a confession, though," Lex said hesitantly. "I'm from another world, and not in the same sense as a phantom. I don't know how Velka brought me here or ensured that I was Undead. I don't know if I'm here for good or if there's a timer that's going to run out or what. But mainly, I don't know if I've disappeared back home or if my original body is actually there and in a coma or any other terrible situation.

I'm not in any big hurry to go home. There wasn't really anything for me there. I was just an ordinary person who would have lived an ordinary life, you know? Aside from all the dying, this is pretty much a dream come true. But I'd hate for my family to worry over me."

His voice was quiet, and he leaned against the wall in thought. Quelaag nodded, then brushed a stray hair out of her face.

"I see. Then you may leave me regardless."

"I don't mean it like that!" he said quickly, waving his hands reassuringly. "Honestly, they'd probably be just as happy here. My mom always wanted a house by a lake. Not a lava lake, but we all have to make compromises, sometimes."

"Oh? And what, pray tell, would she think of a demon for a daughter-in-law?"

"I think she'd just be glad I was socializing."

"Like when you tried to sneak away from the reception?"

"Normally, I'm able to drink waaaay too much punch and spend half the time peeing."

"I see! I had taken you for a more social creature, from what I'd seen of clerics. Honestly, I care not for such events myself, though I understand their necessity. Hm. I've learned quite a bit more about you. Have you any questions about me?"

Lex rubbed his chin.

"You know, not really? I prefer to learn things as I go so I don't forget them. One thing, though. All those eggs everywhere are…?"

Quelaag inhaled sharply.

"Those are all Quelaav's!" she said quickly, embarrassed. "Not mine! We don't know much about them. She produces – ah, perhaps now she will not – she produced them whenever she absorbed humanity. If left alone, they did nothing. If taken on by a human host, they grew until they had exhausted their food. If burst by mistake, they released foul maggots that died within hours."

"Okay, great. I just wasn't sure I was ready to be father to a few hundred thousand baby spiders or anything. Sucks to be Kirk, though."

Quelaag giggled in the back of her throat.

"Well, then, how many baby spiders would you prefer?"

Lex's eyes opened wide, and he glanced about the room for an escape route.

"You should have thought about this already, dear. Brother Vamos is quite obviously missing a vital part of his anatomy. It's not so urgent as with you shortlived humans… but maintaining a line of succession is still a major concern."

As she said this, she began to disrobe, carefully folding them and putting them in one of the empty wardrobes. She was naked most of the time anyway, but this felt different. For the first time, she tugged at the gold-hemmed black ribbon and let her high ponytail down. Lex swallowed.

"W-w-what about the 'this is just infatuation' thing?"

"Oh, but aren't you the one who said this would be a 'loveless political marriage'? Well, political marriages need children to validate the union. Not getting cold feet, are you, dear? Let me warm you up…"

A halo of flame danced about her head, and the spider below burned like a massive fireball. The radiant heat alone was overwhelming. So much so that even his showy outfit was beginning to feel like a furnace.

"No, I'm fine," he said nervously. "Just concerned that I might lose my, uh… my, uh… uh…"

He sighed and wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead.

"My magical virgin powers."

Quelaag smiled broadly.

"Oh my! Shall I take your blood before I take you?"

"I guess? Does that count as foreplay?"

"Should it? What sort of creature do you make of me? Well, I suppose that would be obvious. Though I wonder. Just what is considered foreplay for the humans of your world?"

He stopped and held his fingertips to his mouth in thought. Eventually, he began to strip himself, though he did so in slow, jerky movements while making a strange sound.

"Unst unst unst unst unst unst unst."

"Stop. Please. I can't- I don't know how to react to that," she chuckled. "As spiders are concerned, I must admit you do have an excellent mating dance! I wonder if your followup performance will be as pleasing."

By now, Lex was wearing nothing more than a thin silk wrap. His skin glistened with sweat from the fire earlier. Since coming to Lordran, his weak body had been gradually transformed with the collected souls. He was lean and fit and had shaved his body hair at Jeremiah's advice so that it wouldn't by burned off.

"I see I've gotten you quite dirty. Let me clean you up…" Quelaag hummed over her shoulder as she turned toward the beds.

Lex almost jumped forward but quickly restrained himself, instead strutting after her. As he climbed onto a bed, she shifted behind him, licking the sweat from the back of his neck. He shuddered at the unexpected sensation, but pulled the wrap free from his hips.

"How's this for a Great Lightning Spear?"

Unhampered by mortal failings like fatigue and thirst, the lovemaking went on for hours and hours, ending only when the cleric ran out of "miracles." The newly-arranged room was a mess of fallen furniture and spiderwebs, but they'd worked out a system to overcome the difficulties involved with Quelaag's body shape. She leaned cozily against Lex, who was propped up on a mountain of pillows stacked on the edge of a mattress suspended in midair.

"You know," she said quietly, "perhaps it would be best if I paid a visit first."

"Hm?"

"To your world, I mean. I followed you back in time – how difficult can could finding a world be?"

"Heh. Well, there aren't any bonfires or magic at all, so… you know. Why would you want to go there anyway?"

"It's only fair that I tell your parents why you're never going back. One of your other siblings will have to carry on the family name."

Lex cringed.

"I've only got one, and that's a terrible idea. Not that family names mean anything anymore."

Quelaag chuckled and kissed his cheek.

"You'll have to tell me everything before I go. Mmm. We can go together when you're done with all this 'saving the world' nonsense. Don't you disappear on me – you're caught in my web now. I'll find you and tie you down so you can't get away."

The cleric arched his eyebrows.

"You're going to have to decide whether you hate spider jokes or not, because you're sending mixed signals."

She blew into his ear, causing him to shudder.

"It's one thing when I do it. It's another altogether when Quelara makes the same tacky jokes over and over like she was the one who inherited Mother's sense of humor."

"You know, I'd like to hear about what it was like sometime, before everything went wrong."

"Mmm. When this has ended, and I can show you the palace."

"Then it's a date," he said with an air of finality, kissing her neck.

"I believe you already owe me one."

"Right, right, right. Let's get up, have something resembling a breakfast, and then go harass the stone dragon. It wouldn't hurt to pick up Great Magic Barrier down there anyway."

At last, Quelaag pulled away, patting her spider on the head to wake it from its contented napping. It rose sleepily, bumping into Lex's suspended mattress and making it swing like a massively oversized hammock.

"I believe you have more pressing concerns, my husband," she said plainly, already back to normal.

She paced about the room as she played with her hair, trying to get the unruly mess back into some semblance of order. The human hopped down from his pillow mountain and stretched.

"Namely, those Lord Souls you yet still require. Perhaps the Gravelord does not deserve death, but those Kings of New Londo deserve worse for colluding with that Serpent. We no longer need the Darkwraiths; do crush them for me."

As she spoke, she entered the bathroom. Though ill-equipped at present, both the room and the bath showed impressive workmanship and were more than large enough to accommodate her. She turned a knob, and steaming water began to fill the stone pool, heated by the lava beneath the palace.

"A bath sounds gr-" Lex began, following after her.

"Don't you think you've kept your friends waiting long enough?" Quelaag said, glancing at him over her shoulder. "A bonfire will clean you up immediately, will it not? I'm going to stretch out in the bath, and I don't want to accidentally stab you with my leg and have to drain it to get the blood out."

The human sighed and turned to collect his things from his own wardrobe. Before he could get very far, Quelaag grabbed his shoulder and spun him back. She gave him a quick peck on the lips.

"For luck," she said a little awkwardly before looking away and stepping into the bath.