TOMB OF THE GIANTS
Lex returned shortly, with Oscar and Laurentius in tow. Solaire had been drawn into some strange conversation with Andre and the giant blacksmith about lightning weapons and so was left behind.
The first thing out of Lex's mouth when they arrived, however, was, "Wait here."
He climbed back up the ladder and followed the left wall until it opened up. Though hard to see in the darkness, a man in black leathers stood idly near a ledge. He carried a poleaxe and a tower shield, and in a land of weirdos and mutants, his only distinguishing features were his bald head and large hooked nose.
"Good day!" he said in a voice he probably thought was charming. "You look reasonably sane! What are you doing in the Catacombs? Are you a cleric or something?"
"Oh, not just a cleric, my friend!" Lex said, strangely peppy. "I'm the prophet of Slaanesh! Why, you're the first person who hasn't recognized me!"
"A prophet, really?" the man replied, his mood having taken a dip. "Aren't I blessed? Well, here's a tip. There's a stash of treasure right down that hole. I found it first, but… well, you're the prophet, right?"
His voice lingered on the "prophet" with an obvious hatred, but Lex paid no mind.
"I owe you for all that, er, praying and whatnot… I'll give you first pick. Well, go on, have a look. It'll shimmer you blind."
His tone had recovered by the end of it, but he had apparently learned his laughter from the same school as Lautrec, because it couldn't be taken for anything but evil. Lex walked ahead a little, toward a prism stone placed at the end of an outcropping.
"I'm terribly sorry," the cleric said apologetically. "I'm actually quite nearsighted. Could you perhaps point me in the right direction?"
The other man shook his head and approached, pointing.
"There, that hole. Take a closer-"
Lex stuck out his foot and pushed. The man fell head over heels over the ledge and into the dark pit below.
"This is what I do, my friend!" the prophet yelled. "The look on your face; that's the real treasure!"
"You damn clerics, you're worse than maggots!
Lex snickered as he headed back to the ladder.
"Okay, guys, I'm done being an asshole. Let's go make sure Rhea's safe. Honestly, I got the impression that Vince and Nico protect her even after they hollow, but we can't count on that."
Oscar sighed, but he and Laurentius headed up the ladder. At the top, the pyromancer summoned his light, and the pair followed Lex up a narrow path. He stopped when he reached a skull that would have been nearly as tall as he was if it wasn't broken. There, he turned to the wall and slipped through a large crevice. On the other side was a relatively new-looking wooden ladder.
It led down quite a distance, and at the bottom was a horrifying tower of bones, held together with rotten human meat.
"Oh gods, that's just as gross as I imagined."
Lex hacked at it once, then jumped out of the way as it tried to deliberately fall on top of him. Oscar jumped from the ladder and crushed it under the weight of his Black Knight sword, sending bits of bone and gore splattering across the passage. The prophet gagged and wiped some off his cheek. Once Laurentius had reached the bottom, they could see two more approaching by gyrating their bases.
"Tomb of Giants hula hoop championship right here," Lex said, trying to distract himself from the need to vomit. "Oscar, we'll rush them together. One hit from each of us should finish them off before they can counterattack."
The knight nodded, and they charged the first one, Lex swinging high and Oscar swinging low. The pillar fell backwards, so they moved on, hacking through the next. Laurentius dutifully followed, illuminating more of the passage as he walked. They didn't encounter any more enemies as the path narrowed and curved around, but voices echoed from beyond.
"Let go of me, you rotten cleric! I've done nothing wrong!"
"Mnnn."
"Oh yeah, well how do you like this?"
"Mnnn!"
"Ow ow ow ow! Okay, I've learned my lesson! Just… let… me… Hrk!"
"Nico, you'll crush his ribs!"
"Mnnn?"
"Yes, that's a bad thing! Look, you're scaring Rhea!"
As the passage opened into a wide chamber, the light shone on a pair of armored clerics, one of which was crushing the hook-nosed scoundrel with a bear hug. A white-robed priestess stood off to one side, wincing at the yelps coming from the prisoner. The cleric who still had both hands free turned when he saw the light and moved defensively in front of his companions, holding a flanged mace and kite shield.
"Hold! Who goes there?"
Unlike his partner, he had forgone the usual chain coif, so the group could tell he was a young man with short dirty blond hair.
"Hail, Vince of Thorolund!" Lex said back. "I am Lex of Izalith, the prophet of Slaanesh. These are my companions, Oscar of Astora and Laurentius, also of Izalith."
"Izalith?" the cleric hissed, recoiling. "What sort of madmen…?"
"But he is the prophet the Paladin spoke of," the priestess said hopefully. "Please forgive Vince's rudeness. This journey has been a great test of faith for us. I am Rhea, of House Thorolund, and these are my escorts, Vince and Nico. I fear we would have been lost if you had not sent the legendary Paladin to us. Alas, he departed as suddenly as he arrived, and we are no closer to our goal. Could you find it in your heart to aid us once more?"
"Yeah, just one question. Did you kill the necromancer Pinwheel? Dude with six arms."
Rhea nodded faintly.
"We did. Our leader Petrus was still with us then. I fear he abandoned us as a lost cause."
"Nah. He ditched you either just because he's Petrus or because he was under orders. Possibly both. Pinwheel had the Rite of Kindling, so if you didn't find it, Petrus must have it. He probably brought you down here to die."
"That snake!" Vince seethed.
"Yeah, well, I left my world's copy of the Rite back in Pinwheel's lair, so you can probably grab it on the way out. Though you might imagine returning to Thorolund isn't the best idea now."
Rhea was crestfallen but nodded.
"Head back to Firelink and kill Petrus if you really feel like it. Whether you do or don't, take the elevator beneath down to New Londo, then the stairs back up to the Valley of Drakes. Cross the bridge to the spooky cave, then fight your way down Blighttown to the swamp. Head right toward the giant spider's nest. Don't kill the creepy egg-laden hollows."
"And where will this take us?" Vince asked, suspiciously.
"Exactly what it sounds like. The lair of a terrifying demon spider. Tell her I said hi."
"First Izalith and now this. Prophet or not, I think you're mad."
"No, I'm married. There's a slight difference. In any case, Izalith is probably the safest place in Lordran right now, but you can hang out with Wilhelm and Anastacia at Firelink if you're scared of spiders. Though Frampt is pretty scary too, so whatever, man."
Vince groaned and rolled his eyes, but Rhea nodded. Nico looked like he was enjoying using Patches as a stress ball too much to be interested in what his companions thought of the prophet.
"Thank you," the priestess said quietly. "We will consider your offer if the Firelink Shrine does not prove hospitable. Come along, Vince, Nico. We can leave our malefactor with the prophet."
"Wait just a second," Lex said quickly, raising his hand. "You were important enough to the Chosen Undead that you were granted two fates before I interrupted and sent Leeroy to save you guys. If the Chosen Undead saves you here quickly, then after much fighting, they'll return after some fighting to find you dead. Petrus is the killer."
"No!" Rhea gasped.
"Now if the Chosen Undead saves you late in his journey like I have, there's not enough time for Petrus to get antsy or whatever. Instead, one of Seath's Channelers returns to their old hunting ground in the Undead Church. It takes you back to his dungeons for some mad experiments that drive you hollow."
Between one bad end and another, Rhea looked paler than her immaculate robes.
"Don't you worry about that!" Vince snarled. "We'll protect Rhea with our lives!"
"Mnnn!"
Lex shrugged.
"Right. Just be careful.".
Nico finally dropped Patches, who groaned as he checked to make sure all his bones were still in place. The cleric party finally set off.
As they headed into the darkness, Rhea bid a polite farewell: "Vereor nox."
"Semper ubi sub ubi."
She was puzzled by the reply but followed after her companions. The other group turned to face the pathological Sparta kicker.
"Look, Patches, I don't really care what you do. I know you won't offer your services to a cleric. Just stay out of trouble or I'll feed you to my wife. You know, the giant demon spider. You've got plenty of humanity, so I suspect you'll be delicious."
The thief glared at him, then feigned gratitude.
"Oh, thank you, master cleric! You are truly merciful! A credit to the gods' benevolence, you are!"
"Just go before I kick you all the way down to Izalith."
Patches nodded briskly and ran off after the cleric group.
"What now, Lex?" Oscar asked.
"Now we wait, because that's the only way out of here, and it's always awkward when you say goodbye and then end up walking the same way anyway."
The knight groaned, but without any other guidance, they were forced to wait on Lex. Eventually, he turned them back, and they returned down the passage and up the ladder to Patches' ledge of death. They clung to the right wall as it curved around the lower level where they'd met the clerics. As it opened up to a wider platform, Laurentius' light shone upon a horrifying creature. It was like someone had mangled the skeletons of demigods into a four-legged shape, only the fanged mouth protruded like the enormous skull from before.
"What in Flame is that?!" Laurentius yelped.
"You know what? I have no idea," Lex said, shrugging. "Usually call them dogs because of the way their tailbones wag. Careful – they tend to flail around and slap you silly if you're not cautious. Oscar?"
The knight nodded and stepped forward, shield raised. The creature snarled and leaped forward, crashing facefirst into the shield. Oscar shifted with the weight of the blow and spun to hack at the back of its neck. The backstab sound played, and as he struck a second time, the skull rolled off, and the body fell to pieces.
"Great! So those are actually the hardest enemies in here. Otherwise, you've got those gore towers, falchion giant skeletons, Pinwheel clones (he was the boss necromancer), and baby skeletons – which are surprisingly dangerous but also full of humanity if you happen to be a sociopath."
"Weren't the Catacombs the resting place of kings and saints?" Laurentius asked, puzzled. "This far in, I wouldn't be surprised if we found something…strange, but babies?"
"Yeah, it looks like an entire cult died outside of the Gravelord's chamber. Don't know if it was suicide or they were killed by the necromancers. Given the Valley of Def- well, considering a similar location elsewhere, it kind of looks like the cult was sacrificing babies or something."
"Well, that's…wonderful," Laurentius sighed. "Glad I asked."
"You'll get used to it," Oscar muttered. "Lex, where next?"
"Right. Watch out for arrows coming our way. I'll go ahead and press through the fog up ahead, and then a Black Knight's going to rush us. Halberd-user."
They continued down the ledge until it narrowed. Sure enough, a fog wall was suspended between a pillar and the wall. Lex pushed through and quickly turned the corner.
"Yo mamma's so fat, Executioner Smough told her to go on a diet!"
Whether or not the Black Knight recognized the insult, it chased after the noise. Lex plowed through Oscar and Laurentius, and they had to quickly regain their footing on the narrow ledge before making their own escape. The Knight followed them to the broader ledge where they'd fought the dog creature and took a broad swing at the trio. The extra reach was moot, however, as the cleric unleashed a bass shockwave that sent it staggering backward. A swift kick from Oscar easily dispatched it, sending it tumbling into the darkness below.
"A little warning would be helpful, Lex. Seeing the future doesn't matter if you're the one doing something unexpected."
"Ah. Right. Point. This way. We'll go ahead and skip the bonfire because SPEEDRUN!"
Laurentius blinked.
"I'm sorry, but what? Why would we skip a bonfire, Master Lex? I know the last one was close by, but shouldn't we use every advantage we have?"
"It's redundant since we'd have to come back up here anyway. There's a shortcut to skip this middle section of the Tomb, and we'd have to go through part of it anyway since there's a magic ring I need."
"Oh, I see. I think. I'll trust in your judgment."
"Thanks. Let's move quickly, then. No fighting – just follow me."
Laurentius and Oscar nodded, so he headed back down. The prophet ran to the end of the platform and quickly swerved left as a dog snarled at him. An enormous archer skeleton drew its bow, but he grabbed a soul clump from a corpse at its feet and hopped off the edge of the cliff. By now, Oscar was used to Lex's nonsense and followed without hesitation, while Laurentius stopped long enough for the skeleton to gaze down at him. The eerie, sorcerous, blue eyes frightened him more than the jump, so he quickly slipped off the side of the cliff.
The trio landed on top of the petrified and shattered skeleton of what might have been an enormous version of the dog creatures. It was difficult climbing over the bones on the narrow ledge, but it soon widened into a reasonably-sized platform. In the center was a corpse, with no obvious cause of death nearby.
"Grab and go!" Lex shouted.
He ran toward the corpse and quickly scooped it up, throwing it over his shoulder as a circle of the gore towers erupted from the earth around him. He continued forward blindly, disappearing as he fell off the platform. Rolling through the assault of countless skeletal arms, Oscar and Laurentius hurried over and hopped down onto another platform. From there, Lex stuffed the body into his bag, and they hopped down and back onto the main path. A ladder extended upward from a hole in the cave floor at the bottom, and they climbed down to the final stretch of ledge.
As they passed a pillar, light returned at last. Beyond stood innumerable archtrees in a strange realm of fog. Their highest branches formed a near-impenetrable canopy, and white light streamed in from the few holes.
"And to your left, you'll see the original state of the world," Lex recited in his best tour guide voice. "Unformed, shrouded by fog. A land of gray crags, archtrees and everlasting dragons."
The other two looked on in awe for a moment before continuing after the prophet, who was waiting at the entrance to a cave.
"Yo, Leeroy!" he shouted.
As they continued onward, quickly killing a crystal lizard, there was no sign of the usual invasion.
"I guess we're cool now," the cleric said, shrugging.
"When did you meet Thorolund's first Paladin?" Oscar huffed. "The next time you leave, you'll come back to tell me Rendall of Balder is furious about me killing all those knights for titanite."
"Like fifteen minutes ago. And, no, he's dead. Super-dead. Sen's Fortress. I stole his ring."
A sigh echoed in Oscar's helmet.
"So anyway, best defense up ahead is same as with Pyramid Head: a brisk walking pace. No matter how much you want to stop, just keep moving."
As he started along the path, a gore tower blocked his way, but he pressed against the wall and sidled past it. Further along the ledge, another one rose, but there was more than enough room there to simply avoid it. A third had already risen to block their path, but it retreated back underground as they approached. Just past it, another archer drew its bow, but Lex paid it no mind. Hidden behind the wall, another falchion-wielder swung down at him with both hands, but he outright ignored the attack, evading it without looking.
"Leo Strut!"
This time, Oscar ignored Lex's instructions and shoved the archer over the cliffside before spinning around to block the swordsman's next attack for Laurentius. A quick counterattack hew it in two, and he continued into the next cave.
"So, welcome to the cult…" Lex said, waving his arm ahead to showcase the enormous number of truly dead skeletons either seated crosslegged or bowed with heads to the cave floor.
"Anyway, second verse same as the first. Just keep moving."
He followed the curving path downward into the cave, descending two levels and grabbing a soul clump from a body against the ramp. He ducked behind a wall as a fireball lobbed past. A few steps behind, Laurentius was still in the line of fire. The pyromancer panicked and swatted at the orb, deflecting it and sending it to explode against the ceiling.
"How did-?!" Lex started. "You know what? I don't need to know. Spell parrying is a waste of effort anyway. The King's Mirror is a disasterpiece."
He hopped down onto a narrow ledge and sprinted toward a Pinwheel copy. His heavy sword smashed it into the wall, and he continued on ahead. Several more of them sent a barrage of fire his way, but they were all so sluggish in their casting that they failed to even hit Laurentius at the back of the line. They continued up another ramp to a second Pinwheel, but Lex didn't even bother with this one, instead continuing to a rough wooden barricade at the center of more bowing skeletons. The prophet hacked away at the brittle, rotten wood while Oscar hacked at the necromancer.
The barrier cleared, they continued into the next cavern. The path was covered with sackcloth dyed in a color lost to age, and it led to a wide hole in the floor leading to a lower room.
"You know… I think this might be a red carpet. Huh. Anyway, jumping in sucks, so Oscar, be ready to Estus. Rule number one: don't leave the entrance.
It'll get crowded with skeletons, but there's just more waiting on the far side. But actually, let me try talking to him first, because I don't think he's a bad guy in the end. And imagine the look on Velka's face."
"Understood."
"As you wish, Master Lex."
He nodded, and the trio jumped down into the cave below. Unlike the Chasm or the full Abyss, there was no cushioning Dark to halt their falling, and they landed in a large puddle with a splash.
"My leg!" Lex shouted, mimicking the voice in the Spongebob gag.
For once, it wasn't just the prophet jumping from high places as a shortcut, and Oscar and Laurentius likewise collapsed, hugging their shins. The knight quickly recovered, however, and took a swing of Estus, the healing spreading to the others automatically. As they rose, they heard feet clattering on stone and bone clattering on bone. A number of skeletons were rushing over from the other side of the room, flailing their curved swords. Something further back shuddered.
In one of the largest coffins the group had seen, something wrapped in shadow lurched forward. Before, there had been towers of bone held together with the stickiness of old blood and gore, but this was a mass in the shape of a man held together by an untainted Dark. It didn't have the white corona of a humanity sprite, nor did it turn to a sickly purple like the Father of the Abyss. There was a clattering as the Gravelord stepped out of his coffin and onto the cavern floor.
"Spooky scary skeletons send shivers down your spine! Shrieking skulls will shock your soul and seal your doom tonight! Spooky scary skeletons speak with such a screech! You'll shake and shudder in surprise when you hear these zombies shriek!"
"Really, Lex?" Oscar whispered. "That's your reaction to seeing one of the Lords?"
"We already killed Manus, remember? Father of the Abyss. Dark Lord."
"That mindless monster was the Dark Lord?"
"Kind of a disappointment compared to what the others achieved, right? It's not like it takes a whole lot of effort to destroy a kingdom. I mean, Sen got at least two."
The cavern shuddered as the enormous skeleton slowly advanced.
"Heyo, Papa Nito, let's chat! At this point, I've messed up enough that killing you would be pointless! Not that killing is my first choice, I mean! Well, Seath is kind of a dick. And the Four Kings. And probably the Bed of Chaos. And Smough. But I never intended to kill Ornstein!"
The smaller skeletons stopped in place, but the Gravelord continued forward. Oscar and Laurentius tensed as the mass of Death hobbled forward, but Lex seemed oddly calm. Soon enough, Nito loomed over the trio. Normal skeletons' eyes glowed blue from the animating sorcery, but the Gravelord's gleamed orange-red from the light of the First Flame.
"I had wondered. So this is the choice of the Chosen. To refrain from following the path of Flame, of taking the souls of the mighty for his own. Indeed, since the Flame appeared, all efforts have been bent toward taking and harnessing its might. Others would justify their actions, uttering such grandiose platitudes as it being for the greater good.
I would not mind dying for such, if only those ones did not have greed in their hearts. Leeroy alone has been worthy in these long years, and he sought instead to fight against those rebel necromancers across the countless worlds. Even with this one liberated of their presence, he hunts them elsewhere as we speak. Still, that greed is not your fault.
You are animals, literally and inoffensively. Apes, like birds, like the Raven, are fond of shiny baubles. I cannot begrudge the four species their appetite for Flame when I, myself, have never felt the pangs of hunger or the heat of lust. But you will refuse my soul offered willingly? Methinks the old crow has made a grave mistake."
"No offense, but that's kind of been obvious for a while now."
"Yes, yes, of course. But defying her plans is one thing. It is another altogether to forgo the collection of the Great Souls. True to her name, the Raven is patient enough to wait for your end before she feasts upon your corpse. She is a scheming, skulking scavenger at heart: if you do not collect them for her, she cannot touch them."
"Eh? Why not? I mean, the Chosen Undead is just a lucky Joe Schmo. She seems to have her stuff together, considering that her plan usually works."
"It is a story as old as these bones. Far from the so-called 'civilized' nations, there are peoples who yet maintain myths not so wholly focused on Gwyn. They say the crow tried to steal fire from the sun and was burnt black. Suffice it to say that such tales are not altogether wrong. The Raven seeks proxies to hold the Souls for her: the Kings of New Londo and that mad necromancer, Pinwheel.
In time past, the Scaleless was her ally as well, though she offended him somehow, and he caused the young Princess' deformity in spite. Only Quel was wholly beyond her grasp. That Witch could never be reasoned with or manipulated, and her Daughters provided an impenetrable second line of defense. More, since her... accident, who is there that would seek to steal the power of the Mother of Demons? Mind, you will need to recover that very power.
If you pass her Soul to another bearer, then it shall remain safely out of the Raven's clutches. With the bearers of Gwyn's bequeathed shards and Quel's own, I shall gladly open the Kiln for you. It was never required nor expected that one bear all the Souls – that the Kiln could only be opened if we three were together was the Altar's intention. Only, without such enormous power hoarded within yourself, I do not know how you shall reinvigorate the failing Flame."
"Eh. I've got a few ideas. We still have a few years to experiment, don't we?"
"If we are lucky, then yes. I will leave that for you to gauge. My duty is, as ever, Death. If the Flame itself must die, then so be it. Though I must admit, I am quite fond of the way things are now, this world of tragic heroes."
"Ha. I guess that explains why the Fenito let Vendrick hang out in their basement."
"I am not familiar with these names."
"The Fenito are a species associated with you. Bluish skin, red eyes. Vendrick is the greatest of the Chosen Undead in an era far to the future. Unfortunately, he fails to realize that his wife is a fragment of the Dark Lord and had been driving his kingdom to ruin. Not willing to let her snuff out the Flame but also too in love to harm her, he created an elaborate series of defenses against her and sealed himself away until his fatigue and despair drove him hollow."
"Ah! What an interesting man he must be! Yes, I do believe any servant of mine would grant such a hero asylum."
"He does have a beard worthy of Gwyn."
"I do not understand the fascination with facial hair. The first thing that Vamos forged when the rebels disturbed his rest to serve in their dark designs? That iron beard of his."
Having fought Manus, Laurentius did an admirable job keeping his cool before the specter of Death incarnate, but it looked like he'd cast Flash Sweat at some point. Oscar, however, was completely jaded by now and relaxed his guard.
"You sure seem familiar with the Gravelord," he whispered to Lex.
"He was the skeleton that showed up at my wedding while you were gone. Isn't that right, Aaaaantonito? I was wondering why there was a talking skeleton I didn't know about, but the limp makes it pretty obvious, I guess."
"Limp?"
"My, how do you know that?" Nito hummed, intrigued. "I'm quite curious as to the nature of your powers, 'prophet.' Yes, young Oscar of Hillund. When the necromancers made their surprise attack, they took off with a great deal of my power. By eating into my Soul, they disrupted the flow of power that moves this dead body, and I lost much of the ability to move my left leg."
"I see," Oscar said, nodding. "But you know me?"
"Of course," the Gravelord chuckled. "I am intimately familiar with my aspect. I could name each of your deceased ancestors and the means of their demise so long as they were given the proper rites. I see every funeral conducted in my name, even the one you and the prophet conducted for that Fire Keeper."
"As expected of the Gravelord," the knight said, bowing.
"I know you, too, Laurentius of the Great Swamp, though you know as well as I the means by which your body was given in my name. The prophet, here, I do not know. It is possible, of course, that he came to Lordran alive, but there is no god – real or imagined – named Slaanesh. But listen to these old teeth chatter. Such questions can wait. There is a more pressing matter at hand!"
The Gravelord reached into his cloak of shadow and pulled one human skeleton away from the rest, then a giant's femur, placing them on the floor in front of the group of scimitar-wielders. The instant the massive combined skeleton let go of the bones, it stopped moving like the swordsmen had. The new skeleton swiftly assembled itself, leaning on the femur as a cane.
"Stand up straight!" Antony barked, circling around Lex and slapping his back with the femur. "Chest out, don't suck in your belly! Take a deep breath! Now, from the bottom of your lungs, 'Spooky scary skeletons send shivers down your spine!' Honestly, boy, you married into that family without knowing how to sing? At least Vamos can manage smithing shanties!"