A/N: Kauhalee, I'm flattered that you made a video based off this fanfiction. I want to watch it but the link doesn't work, could you try and send it again? Thanks.
Chapter Thirteen
"This is a medical hospital, not a psychiatric hospital, Owen. This budget problem can be avoided if we stop taking in every psychic patient the police believe should be Baker acted."
God I hate Kepner's voice.
"They are people who need help and we can help them." Owen says in a stern voice.
"NO WE CAN'T" April yells causing everyone to look right at her. "I'm not going to sit here and let you talk about cutting everyone's budget yet again because of the lack of medical patients we have been receiving." April pauses to take a breath. "You want to know why we haven't been receiving medical patients, it's because we have too many psychic patients. Last night my ER was forced to take only critical patients and turned down everyone else, because all my beds were filled with psychic patients. I don't have a problem when the police Baker act someone, I have problem when they send them here, because when they are done here guess where they go. They go to Lakeside Behavioral Healthcare, you want to make more money let's start by sending all psychic patents there to begin with. If they have a true medical problem then I'll take them, but I don't have the time to deal with patients like Mrs. Langhorn who was picking poop out of her own ass and then throwing it at my nursing staff, and don't get me started on Alix, she's down there yelling at God and the voices inside her head. I don't know how to fix that shit, but the people at Lakeside Behavioral Healthcare do. So to fix this budget problem let's start by stop wasting my time, my talent, my nursing staff, and my beds on people we can't treat."
She has a valid point, but all I can think about is wrapping my left hand around her forehead and grabbing her chin with my right hand and giving her one hard twist to the left. In a matter of seconds her C1 and C2 will be broken, and in the medical world everyone knows that if someone breaks or fractures their C1, C2, or C3 in their vertebrae it means instant death because the brain has no has means of getting oxygen.
'Do it,' I hear a voice coming from the other side of the table slightly to my right. When I look to see who it is I see Dr. Stark looking right at me with a smile on his. 'Nobody except Jackson and Owen like her, she won't be missed. You're a serial killer Robbins. You can get up snap her neck and then sit back down before anyone one of these morons has time to register what happened.'
He has a point. I could kill April before anyone has time to register what happened. It's been so long since I've killed someone, and I need to kill someone.
'You don't need to kill someone, you want too. There's a big difference, Arizona.' Tim says to me from across the table slightly to my left. 'She's the new department head of Trauma and she's doing a good job, some would say she's doing a better job at it then Owen did when was running the department. Nothing about her meets my code.'
'Fuck his code.' Stark yells as he waves his hand. 'You're a seasoned and veteran serial killer; killing is in your blood. Why are you going to deny yourself something you were born to do?'
'You can't be selfish anymore Arizona,' Tim says to me in loud stern voice. 'You wished to be normal, and your wish came true. You have wife, a wife who knows you kill people but is choosing to look the other way and help you I might add, you have three gorgeous kids, a dog that you haven't killed yet, and a house. You wanted it, and you got it. Don't blame me because you didn't read the fine print at the bottom.'
'Stop being a fucking pussy and kill April.' Stark slams his hand on the conference room table. 'Go out with a bang; don't snap the bitch's neck. Stab her in the neck with that pen you have been tapping this whole time. She's still yelling at Owen so you can't miss her jugular because that vein is popping out her neck right now.'
I don't say anything as I look at Stark as he smiles at me silently encouraging me to stab April. 'Do it.' He says in a barely there whisper.
His whisper causes my control to snap a little and stop tapping my pen as I slowly turn my gaze over towards a screaming April. Without losing eye contact I feel my thumb press the top part of pen and I hear it click as the ball point from the pen comes out through the socket.
'Arizona,' Tim says in a low warning voice.
'Don't listen to your brother. He's not a killer he doesn't know what it's like to get the urge to kill. We both know the feeling is going to get worst, just give in to the pressure. Killing April will make everything go away and you'll feel better, be both now that.'
Stark's comment makes me flip the pen in my hand so I'm holding it like I would as if I was holding a knife like I was going to kill somebody. I feel myself starting to sit up straight.
'Don't Arizona, you've come so far over the past few years. Don't throw it away over some dumb urge.'
'Don't listen to him, Arizona. It's not a dumb urge, it's a need. You need to kill, so give into that need, and kill April Kepner.' Stark's voice starts to rise again. 'Do it, kill her. Right now, stand up and stab her in the fucking neck. You're a killer, nobody controls you, you control them…'
My breathing starts to get heavy and I feel my grip grow tighter on my pen. I can see through my peripheral vision that my knuckles are white, and as the seconds pass by I feel my fingers growing numb.
'STAB HER!'
Stark's scream causes my last thread of self-control to snap and I feel my dark passenger start to take over my body. My body starts to relax, and the grip on my pen returns to normal. My breathing slows down and my face starts to relax. I can feel my eyes as they turn a darker shade of blue as the life slowly drains from them. I gently and quietly uncross my legs as start to set up straight. I start to smirk as I start to rise from the chair with my pen still in my hand.
I'm no more than a half an inch off my chair when I feel something heavy on my right forearm causing me to sink back into my chair. I look down at my right forearm and I see a perfectly tan and manicured hand on my arm. For what seems like hours I just stare at this hand that seems foreign to me. I know it's not foreign; the smoothness of its skin and the signature black fingernail polish lets me know that its Callie's hand, but I can't stop staring it, wondering why it's touching me.
Her hand squeezes my forearm a little bit before her thumb gently slides back and forth. I feel hypnotized as I watch her hand gently caress my forearm. As she continues to calm me down I feel my dark passenger start leave. I take a deep breath before I follow the length of her arm all the way up to her eyes. When we look at her at each other I see her give me a small smile that is filled with love, concern, worry, and a splash of fear because I know for the first full second that we were looking at each other my dark passenger wasn't fully gone and I know for the first time she saw my lifeless eyes.
After a few seconds we break eye contact with each other and focus on the argument between Owen and April which has expanded to include Bailey and Meredith. Callie continues to stroke my arm before her hand slides down my arm to my hand. She removes the pen from my hand before she intertwines our fingers together. While we are holding hands she squeezes my hand a little more firmly and it helps calm me down.
It's about 15 minutes of intense arguments between the Owen, Bailey, Meredith and April, Owen finally calls for us to have a break. The minute break comes out of his mouth is when I get up and dart out of the conference room and make my way to the closet bathroom.
I enter the bathroom and a do half ass scan to see that I'm alone before I make my way to the sink. I turn the sink faucet on cold before I fill up my hands and splash cold water over my face. "You can do this, Robbins." I somewhat whisper to myself as I look in the mirror. "It's only been 14 days 8 hours, 23 minutes and 10 seconds since…"
I don't get to finish my pep talk when I hear the toilet flash behind me. I don't turn around but focus my attention on the stall behind me through the mirror. I feel my control start to go out the window when I see Colleen emerge from the bathroom stall.
"It's been two weeks since what?" she questions. "Since you lied to Callie about you and Lauren so she could take you back?"
I just close my eyes and take a deep breath. You can do this Arizona, just get up from over sink and walk away. I can walk away; I've done it before so I can do it now.
"I'm surprised to see you in here, because this bathroom is very special to Callie and me." Colleen starts.
'Don't do it, Ari' I hear Tim's voice in the back of my head.
"See this was the place where I first fucked your wife…" Before Colleen can finish her sentence I turn around and rush her. I slam her into the wall between the stalls before my left forearm finds her neck and starts to slide her upwards until her feet are no longer touching the ground.
I don't say anything as Colleen and I just look at each. There is pure terror and fear in her eyes as she starts to cry and shake uncontrollably. It would seem that she didn't empty her bladder all the way because she is currently peeing in her pants.
"Arizona!" I hear a stern voice come from the doorway of the women's bathroom.
I break my eye contact with Colleen and look over towards the doorway to see my wife. She is a little stunned about the scene in front of her, but not surprised that I finally snapped on Colleen because she has been provoking me all week.
"Put her down," Callie voice goes stronger as the seconds pass by us. I just clench my jaw before I turn my attention back to Colleen, "NOW!"
I let out a low growl, before my right arm reaches upwards to grab her shirt. With her shirt in both of my hands I slam her one last time against the wall before I let her go causing her to fall to the ground.
Colleen doesn't say anything as she scrambles to her feet and rushes over to the safety of Callie. "I hope you have another job lined up Robbins because I'm going to make sure you get fired over this."
"No you're not." Callie says coldly to Colleen.
"Owen won't stand for this type of behavior." Colleen counters.
"Before Owen does anything he's going to consult me about yours and Arizona's recent behavior. When I tell him you have been provoking my wife by separating false rumors, Arizona is going to get a slap on the wrist, and you'll forever be on her bad side. And think we both know that is not a side you want to be on."
Colleen just looks at Callie with disgust, "I can't believe you're defending her. See if I ever help you again." Colleen says before she leaves the bathroom.
After Colleen leaves Callie starts to walk towards me. I'm looking at the ground and refuse to look at her. I feel the lump in my throat start to form and my vision starts to get blurry.
"Arizona," Callie says in a soft whisper as she tries to grab my arm.
"No," I somewhat yell at her as I twist away from her. "Don't touch me."
"Arizona, I want to help you," Callie tries to grab my arm again and just like before I twist out of her reach. "Come on Ari, I want to help but I can't help you if you won't let me." Once again Callie reaches over and this time she manages to grab my arm. I try to break free but I underestimate her grip and it's too late for me do anything about it.
Callie manages to turn the tables on me as she uses my momentum against me and she manages to pull me into her embrace. The second I hit Callie's chest her arms wrap around me in tight bear hug and I feel my arms wrap around her as well. I grab the back of her scrub top and ball my hands in tight fists as I start to break down in her arms. "I can't do this, Calliope."
"Yes, you can. We're going to do it together. Nobody said it was going to be easy." Callie purrs in my ear.
"No, no I can't. I've never felt like this before. I don't think I can control myself the way you think I can." I confess with my face still buried in her chest.
I feel Callie take a deep breath as she prepares herself to ask me a question she really doesn't want to know the answer to. "How do you feel?" I she whispers as her hands start to draw random patterns on my back, something she knows helps me calm down.
"I want to kill someone, so bad." I say to her. "I don't care who it is, how I do it, or if I caught. I just want that control back in my life. I was seconds away from killing April with my pen during our meeting; I don't think I can control myself for much longer."
Callie lets out a small gasp when I confess about almost killing April. "It's ok it just phase. It will pass soon, I promise."
"How can you say that?" I push away from Callie catching her off guard. "Beside you and our kids and the tiny humans upstairs I want to kill anything I walk pass." I somewhat yell at her.
"But you didn't, you could have easily lied to me, or you could have chosen to be a killer instead of being with your family, but instead we are here fighting about your addiction. For me that is a huge step in the right direction." Callie pauses for a moment, "you didn't kill April."
"You stopped me,"
"You didn't kill Colleen,"
"You. Stopped. Me." I scream at her, forgetting about the semipublic area we are standing in.
"That's fine with me. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, so I guess I'll always be there to stop to you." Callie gives me a stern look before she crosses her arms. "You can hate me and yell at me all you want, but you're not scaring me away and you said it yourself, you could never hurt me." Callie uses her power over me against me. "I love you so much, and I think we can overcome this, together." Callie whispers as she drops her arms and starts to walk towards me. I don't move as she walks towards me, when she reaches me she wraps her arms around my waist and pulls me closer to her for another hug. "One day at time remember." She whispers to me before she kisses my forehead.
I don't say anything but I shake my head agreeing with her. We stand like this for a few minutes before the door opens and we both look to see who it is.
"Were being summoned back to his bull shit meeting." April says in a monotone voice before she turns around to leave.
"Always found April's voice annoying." Callie says as we both chuckle while walking out of the bathroom and back into the conference room with the rest of the department heads and some attendings.
For the rest of the meeting Callie sits close to me and links are arms together before intertwining our fingers again. I feel her thumb as it strokes against my hand trying her best to keep my dark passenger at bay.
Scheduled surgeries, traumas, codes and just plan boredom of April and Owen going in a giant circle has finally brought our dumb mandatory budget meeting to an end, for now. Callie goes upstairs to Ortho, but not before giving me a look of concern. She's worried about leaving me, but then again 2 hours ago I confessed to not only wanting to killing April but wanting to killing any person over the age of 18.
Her face starts to relax when she sees Teddy coming up to me. I don't know if she should feel relaxed. Teddy is one of those few people who I would never hurt, and I guess since she's married to Addison, Addison has been grandfathered into my no kill list. But Teddy helps me, so in my eyes she's just as guilty about feeding my dark passenger as I am.
"So is Nurse Colleen the next staff member to go missing from this place?" Teddy whispers in my ear as we start to walk towards the break room on the peds floor.
"What makes you say that?" I shoot Teddy an innocent yet forced smile.
"I don't know the fact that you literately scared the piss out of her this morning in the bathroom." Teddy starts to laugh as she pours two cups of coffee. She opens the small pink box next to the coffee maker and grabs two donuts before she comes and sits next to me on the couch.
"Seriously? I swear the only thing that spreads faster than disease in this place is gossip." I sigh as I choose the contents in her left hand at random.
Teddy just shrugs as she takes a sip of coffee. "Why is this so hard, Ted? The longest I've lasted without…coloring." I chose my words wisely because we are in an open environment and coloring can be mistaken for anything for anyone who chooses to listen or catches the tail end of our conversation. "Is 4 months when I was with you. Everything was fine until the middle of month 3 and then, well we both know how that story ends." Teddy just shakes her head before she takes a bite from her donut, causing me to do the same. "It's barely been three weeks, and I was ready to take my rage out on April this morning, Dr. Robbins in the conference room with her pen."
Teddy just lets out a small chuckle. "Maybe Callie and Colleen are the cause of your coloring issue." Teddy pauses as we both turn to look at each other. "Both times you tried to quiet it was on your own terms and you didn't have an annoying nagging bitch consistently provoking you."
"Colleen yes, but I don't know about Callie. She wants to help me, and we both know she's not a quieter, which is good because I want to quiet right now…" I trail off when Jo and some other peds residents enter the break room. Teddy and I give them a slight head nod hello before we leave for my office. "No matter how hard I try to tell her that I only color with criminals, it doesn't matter to her because they are people too and they have rights." I continue when we step into my office and I close the door. "They have rights to be stab by me." We are quiet for a few minutes before I talk again. "Maybe you can talk to her."
Teddy just shrugs as me, "does she know that I know about you."
I shake my head yes, "she knows that you know, but she doesn't know that out of the 149 people that I've killed you've handed me 23."
Teddy just sighs as we both lean up against my desk with our elbows on the table deep in thought. "I don't know if I'll be any help to be honest. She hasn't come to me for advice yet."
"She's stubborn, we both know that."
"True, but she's not afraid to ask for help either."
"'Hey Mark, how was your weekend? Oh that's good; mine was ruff because I'm still getting over the fact that Arizona is serial killer. What do you think I should do about?'" I say sarcastically.
"Yeah, yeah I got the point," Teddy waves off as she leans back in her chair. "I'll shoot her a 'am here to talk' conversation later on today if I see her." Teddy looks at her watch, "I have to go check on my ICU patients, care to join?"
"Yeah, I should probably be a good doctor and check on my patients as well." I say as we both we get up and leave my office. We are walking down the hall towards the stairwell when Teddy turns to talk to me. "I thought Colleen was gay?"
"I don't know, I think she is, why?" I say back to her.
"Because she and Dr. Stark are getting a little close," Teddy points over towards welcome desk at the front of the peds department.
I don't say anything as I watch the two of them flirt with each other. I don't like the thought of them together, they both don't like me. So should I be paranoid right now, is Colleen helping Stark kill these kids and why was she trying to get close to Callie if she likes men? Stark does want to watch me squirm and nothing gets to me like Calliope.
"The fact that you're staring so hard at Dr. Stark lets me know that there is more to your coloring issue."
"My issue with Dr. Stark is a long story." I start out.
"And I don't know want to know the long or short version. Let's just leave it at he's a douche that deserves to die."
"Fine with me," I say back as we go upstairs to ICU.
When we get upstairs to ICU Teddy and I have two patients together. After that she goes back to Cardio to check on her other patients while I stay in ICU to check on 4 more patients before I check on 2 more who are in the NICU. After I check on all of my patients, my day goes by painfully slow since I'm still maxed out on patients and I can't stalk anybody.
For the remainder of the day I check on my patients and fell out paperwork, until Callie shows up in my office doorway.
"Hey," she says in a soft whisper.
"Hey you," I say with a forced smile. I need to fucking kill someone right now.
"You ready to go pick up the kids?"
"Yeah" I say with a small smile as I shut everything down.
I get up and walk over towards Callie who intertwines our arms together as we start to walk down the hall towards the attending's lounge. "How are you feeling?"
"Good," I say under a breathless smile.
"Seriously, please talk to me,"
"What do you want me say, Callie." I stop in my tracks which is right in middle of the empty attending's lounge. "I feel the same way I did this morning, this afternoon and right now, and when you ask me how I feel 5 minutes from now it's going to be same. I want to stab someone. I want to look someone dead in the eye and watch the terror and fear grow in their eyes when they realize I'm about to kill them. I want to hear to them beg and plea for their worthless life, I want to feel the cool metal in my hands as I stab someone in the chest with my knife. I want to watch the life slowly drain out of their eyes until they are died. That is how I feel, and that is all I want in my life right now. The satisfaction of killing someone." I'm too annoyed to cry, but the look on Callie's face looks like she has enough tears for the both of us.
"Are you going to cry now?" my voice is low and monotone as I look at her with straight face.
This isn't me talking. The amount of rage and lack of emotion lets me know that it's my dark passenger who has decided to talk to Callie now.
Callie just looks at me upset with slight confusion on her face.
"Well the tears that are rolling down your face would suggest that you are going to cry." I give her a sarcastic smile as I shake my head lightly. "Why are you crying, Callie." I hiss at her which causes her to take a step back. We both know I would never hurt her, and she seen me mad before, but she has never been on the receiving end of my anger. "You're the one who keeps poking and prodding asking me about my feelings wanting me open up to you, and when I do I get this," I say right before I point at her.
"What do expect, Arizona?" Callie yells at me. "You've been lying to me for the past 7 years. I always thought you cute, bubbly and perky. You hardly ever swear, and you're always so neat and perfect. Then out of nowhere I hear this," Callie hisses back " I hear about how you take joy in watching someone die in your hands, sorry for being normal and that this all seems a little sudden to me, I'll try contain my emotions better next time."
I should give her some sympathy, and my normal Arizona is giving her that, but it seems like my normal Arizona is locked away forced to watch as my dark passenger talks to my wife. "Oh," I start to mock her, "well can you do me a favor and man the fuck up and deal with it?" I hear myself use her words against her.
Callie doesn't say anything as she just bends down to grab her purse from her locker choosing not to change into her street clothes. You can see the pure anger and hate she has for me at the moment as walks up to me. In a moment, that I see coming but chose not do anything about, Callie raises her right hand and punches, yes I did say punch, me square in the jaw before she walks towards the door. "I'll be in the daycare center," Callie says "asshole."
I just smile at her as I watch her leave the attending's lounge. I rub my jaw a few times before I chuckle to myself. Leave it to me and my dark passenger to find it completely hot when she gets feisty and violent with me. I change back into my street clothes before I put Callie's clothes in a bag before I leave.
When I get downstairs I see Callie sitting at the table with my girls. Jackie is sitting in her lap and Sofia is sitting on her right side, while William is playing in the corner with a toy car. "Mommy!" William is the first one to notice my presence. When he says my name both Jackie and Sofia look up towards the door and both of their faces light up when they see me. "Mommy!" they say as they get up from their seats.
The minute I see my three tiny humans, I feel my dark passenger release its hold over me. I drop down to one knee and allow all three of them to give me a giant bear hug. I'm still on the floor when Callie walks right pass me while grabbing her bag filled with street clothes. While Callie changes, I rough house with my three little monsters. Until we hear Callie's sweet motherly hum from the doorway. "Arizona, William, Jackie, Sofia, it's time to go home." With a smile still on our face we stop playing and start to make our way towards Callie. Like always the three of them want me to carry them to the car so I end up holding them like I always do. Sofia is wrapped around my back, while Jackie sits pretty on my right hip and William is being held by the hem of pants pretending he is a super hero.
Since Callie has let me come back home we have turned back into a one car household because Callie still doesn't trust me. We alternate between cars, I mostly drive like always but Callie holds on to both set of car keys.
Nothing special really happens from our walk from the hospital to the car, and from the drive from the hospital to the house. Callie has noticed my personality change since I've been with the kids, and I can tell it is really throwing her for a loop. I don't know what it is about them, but when they are around my dark passenger seems to take a back seat in my life.
It's pretty late when we get home so Callie immediately goes to the kitchen to make dinner. While the four us continue our play session from the daycare. Maybe about 10 minutes into our rough housing we finally tire ourselves out and call it quits on running, jumping and tackling me. After we catch our breaths we move on to our next activity for the evening, forts. While Callie cooks what smells like homemade margherita pizza we turn the living room into a giant fort using all the pillows, and blankets and chairs from the upstairs, downstairs and the basement.
After our fort is built we change into our pajamas, before we lay down inside and watch The Looney Tunes, because we made our fort to include the TV. I'm about to check on Callie because it's been well over two hours since she started cooking and she hasn't called us to the dinner table yet. Before I can even think about getting up, we hear Callie's voice outside of our fort. "Can I come inside? I have food and drinks."
Sofia and I don't say anything as we look at each other. I just shrug at her before Sofia goes to look in Callie's general direction. "What's the password?"
Callie pauses for a moment as tries to think about what our nonexistent password is. "Pillows?"
Sofia is quiet for a few seconds before she speaks. "You can enter."
Callie bends downs holding a large plate filled with her delicious homemade pizza, paper plates, and water. The four of us gather around her to eat dinner. Callie and I sitting right across from each other, well I'm lying on my side with William sitting Indian style right by my stomach. Callie is sitting just like William, but Jackie is sitting in her lap. And right by my head is Sofia and Roxie. We are quiet while we destroy everything that is in front of us, a true Robbins trait that will just worst as my three tiny humans get older.
After dinner Callie cleans up everything before quickly running upstairs to change into her pajamas. When she comes back down and reenters the fort we all lay down to watch Jackie's favorite Disney movie Cinderella. Callie is laying propped up on her right elbow lightly rubbing Jackie's back who sitting up straight as she watches her favorite movie. Sofia is right next her watching the movie as well because Sofia loves everything Disney at the moment. Roxie is lying right behind the three of them passed out like always.
I'm lying flat on my flat on my back with my head propped up on several pillows, while William curls himself up into a little ball on my chest. Unlike his sisters who love Disney everything, if it's not Toy Story, Cars, Monsters Inc., Finding Nemo, Wreck It Ralph or Hotel Transylvania William doesn't care and will more than likely just fall asleep during the movie like now. While he sleeps on my chest I gently rub my index finger up and down spine something I always did with him and don't know why, but I do know he loves it because he gets upset when stop.
After the movie it's time to put the kids to sleep. Sofia tucks herself in so all Callie and I do is say goodnight to her when we put the twins to sleep. William doesn't even move as I get from the floor and bring him upstairs to his room. Callie is able to put Jackie down almost immediately.
I was in the bathroom when Callie reentered our room. I don't say anything to her as I get into my new side of the bed. Even though it's been two weeks, I still find it weird not sleeping by the door. Callie gets into bed as well as but unlike me she remains sitting up straight. She is breathing heavily mentally preparing herself for something. "What goes through your mind when you want to kill someone?"
Yep that is a question you would need to prepare yourself for. "Do you really want to know?"
"I wouldn't have asked that question if I didn't," Callie snaps back. She's still pissed about my comment earlier this evening. Ask any one about me and my family and they'd till you the Robbins' family is known for how much they can eat. Well I'm finding out the hard way that Torres' women will hold a grudge until the day they die, and I'm convinced that if there is a heaven and hell they hold it there too. I was laying on my side wait for Callie to force me to spoon with her but, but when she asked me the question I just roll over on my back and stare at the ceiling.
"It starts when I first wake up. It feels like a small jolt of energy or adrenaline, like I want to do something adventurous or dangerous. It's only a small feeling so I'm able to push the feeling aside. I carry out my day like normal, but when I'm not busy with a patient or thinking about an upcoming surgery that feeling comes back, just a little bit stronger to remind me that it's not going anywhere. I'm at work and the feeling isn't too strong so I'm able to push it aside again. For a week straight I get this feeling and every time it comes I push it aside, but as the days go by it gets harder and harder to push that feeling away because it intensifies every time it makes its presences known to me. Until finally the feeling just consumes me completely, when I eat, when I sleep, when I work, I have this indescribable feeling that follows me around until I can't take it anymore and I snap." I pause as I listen to Callie's hard deep breaths as she tries to calm herself down while I talk. No matter how hard she tries she's not ready for this conversation, but I continue anyways because this what she wanted. "After I snap I become withdrawn from friends and coworkers, and I get fixated on someone. Majority of the time it's criminal, but depending on my mood I've been known to deviate from criminals." I take another pause to gage her reaction when I just indirectly told her I have killed innocent people. I don't get anything in response, which means she wasn't pay attention or she is listening to me but her brain is still processing the first part of my speech. Knowing Callie she's doing the latter of my two options.
"Now when I say fixated, I really mean fixated. I figure out their work schedule, what they do on their free time, who they hang out with and when, what routes they like to take home, where they live, I know the lay out of their house and could navigate around it with no problem with my eyes closed. If they have a spouse or roommate I take the time to know everything about them as well, that way you get no surprises." I continue, "After I know everything there is to know about them is when I strike. I pick a day when I know they are going to be the most secluded. I strike when it's dark outside so nobody can see me. I sneak up behind them and most of time I use M99 and they are out for about 2 to 3 hours. While they are passed out I take them to a room I have found and converted into my own little room. A room completely covered in plastic, that way I don't leave behind any evidence. To make sure they can't escape I wrap their body up in plastic and then I just wait for them to wake up." I take another pause and the only thing filling the room is Callie's sobs. She wanted to know, I never said she was going to like the answer. Sorry my life isn't sunshine and puppies like I led her to believe.
"When they wake up and I see the terror and fear in their eyes, that feeling starts to dye down a little bit. I love the feeling I get as I listen to them cry, plea and beg for me not to take their life, but nothing compares to when my knife finally penetrates their chest. That feeling instantly goes away and I feel renewed and happy. Nothing beats watching the lights go on human being." I feel a smile creep on face when start to remember some of my kills. "Usually the feeling stays away for about a week or two, but there have been sometimes when the feeling comes back the next day. When the feeling comes back I just start the process all over again."
When I stop talking, Callie spends the next 15 minutes crying with her head tucked between her legs as she sits in the fetal position on the bed. I prop myself up "Callie" I whisper as I reach over to touch her, but she not having it and it catches me completely off guard.
"Don't touch me," she all but yells as her right hand comes flying at me.
My attempt to dodge her hand fails and she hits me full force in the throat before she lunges at me causes us both to fall on the floor. She continuously hits, slaps and punches me at full force and I'm not going to lie, this shit actually hurts. It takes me 5 minutes before I'm able to grab her arms to keep her from hitting. I keep a firm grip on her wrist before she starts to tire herself out. "What the fuck, Calliope." I choke out.
"What the fuck, Calliope?" Callie hisses at me. "How many?"
I just give her blank stare.
"Don't play dumb with Arizona, how many people out of the 148 people that you have killed were truly innocent?"
"None," I say in small whisper because it is becoming painful to talk.
"You just told me you killed innocent people, so don't you fucking lie to me." Callie's voice starts to rise a little bit before her left leg fully extends and kicks me in the thigh.
I let out a yelp before I let go of her wrist and move to her ankles as she continuously kicks me, however I'm force to just sit and try to shield myself the best I can because the minute I let go of her wrist she goes on kicking and slapping tirade and it hurts like a motherfucker. "I swear to God, none of the 148 people you found on my boat were innocent." When I repeat myself is when Callie finally lets up on the hitting. "It's already bad enough I took their life, so I never took a trophy from them."
"How. Many. People." Callie says through a clenched jaw.
"43," I answer without hesitation.
"They were truly innocent?"
"I think so. I was filled with so much hate and anger and I didn't care who or what they did on their free time. I just wanted kill to them." I pause for a moment. "The first time I lost complete control like that was when Tim died. He was all I had; he was my older brother and my best friend. He made me what I am today. When I got that phone call I got so angry and just went on a complete rampage. I killed 37 people in the Baltimore, Alexandra, and Washington D.C. area. I think I knew I hit rock bottom when I killed a coworker and her family during Thanksgiving dinner. I killed her, her husband, her 5 kids who were home from college for the holiday, and both her parents and her in-laws. 2 day later I got the phone call saying I got the job here in Seattle and I considered this my clean slate. When I came here everything was going great, I was back to killing my usual criminals and I met and fell in love with you. But for a moment when I thought I was going to lose you and Sofia in that car crash, I snapped and killed 5 people here in Seattle because just like Tim, you became my everything, maybe a little a more. You make me feel things that I've never felt before. I grew up empty and hollow inside, completely incapable of producing a true genuine feeling for someone. Until you came along, I love you, I care for you, and I want you be happy and I'll do anything to make you happy. You name it I'll do it without questioning your judgment."
"What about the last person?" Callie questions, her voice is weak and her eyes are puffy from crying, but she has managed to stop crying.
"What?" I question back.
"You said you killed 43 people. 37 plus 5 is 42, so what about the last innocent person you killed?"
"Some prostitute who wouldn't leave me alone when you left me because you found out who I was."
"And you never took a…trophy," Callie says with disgust when uses the term.
"No," I say while I shake my head no. "The only thing I did to them was leave their bloody thumb print of the wall at the crime scene."
Callie doesn't say anything to me for at least 10 minutes. She's not crying, she's just sitting there processing our conversation.
I don't say anything as I get up off the floor. I can't help but winch in pain, I'm going to have bruises tomorrow that is for sure. "Where are you going?" Callie questions as she gets up from the floor.
"You're mad at me, so I'm going to go to my boat. We both know you're going to say it to me."
"No you're not," Callie says as she rushes towards the door. She manages to get past me and closes the door while blocking it with her body. "I have no right to get upset with you. I asked you a question and you answered it truthfully. Nobody ever said that I was going to like the answer. We both a have a lot things we need to man and deal with. I told you this morning that I'm not going anywhere, and that doesn't change because I found you really killed 191 people."
192 actually, I killed someone else right after our on call room fight.
"I'm disappointed that you killed 43 innocent, but right now we are looking to put a stop to that."
Callie and I are quiet before she takes my hand and reopens the door just in case one of our kids has a nightmare. She leads me back to the bed where we both lay down in our now usual position where I'm spooning Callie. "Be honest with me," Callie whispers "have you ever thought about killing me or our kids."
"Never," I whisper back. "You are the only person on this planet who can get away with slapping, punching, kicking, yelling and screaming at me and I will never get upset. The same goes for our children as well. You can torture me all you want and I will always come back to you with a smile on my face." Callie doesn't say anything as I feel her body start to relax in my arms which is something she hasn't done since she started this whole forced spooning bull shit. "However all bets are off if someone hurts you or our kids. I don't care if it's physical or verbal, if they hurt any of you it will be instant lights out no ifs, ands or buts. I don't care how much you plea and beg me not kill them. Nobody and I mean nobody will hurt any of you and live to tell the tail." We lay there in silence for a few more minutes. "Since I'm being open and honest with you, I will say that me being a serial killer is why never wanted kids."
My last comment causes Callie to turn around face me. "I don't know what made me like this, but I know I never want to pass it down to my offspring."
"You won't," Callie says as she reaches up and grabs my face. She leans in for a few short kisses before she rests her forehead against mine. "And if you do, we will be able to stop it."
I'm not too sure about that, but I don't say anything and just shake my yes before we both finally submit to sleep.
A combination of the kids playing downstairs and the pain from the beating I took from Callie wakes me. I painfully get up and go to bathroom, and start the water for the shower. I strip off all my clothes and look at my body in the mirror. I have bruises on my stomach and thighs from Callie and not mention my bruise on my neck from the half punch half slap to the throat. She's going to beat herself up over this when I go downstairs.
I step into the shower and the hot water feels nice against my body. If I wasn't on a time crunch I would have stayed in the shower longer. After my shower I get dress and go downstairs, by the time I get downstairs the kids and Callie are at the breakfast table. Callie is about to yell for me but me walking into the kitchen stops her. Her eyes get wide when she sees part of the damage she did last night, she never gets the chance to talk to me about it because the kids take up the rest of morning and the moment Callie step foot in the hospital she was needed immediately in the OR, which means she missed the damage she did on my stomach and thighs.
After I get changed I do my rounds before I go downstairs for two back to back scheduled surgeries with Alex. It's around 2:30 in the afternoon when I get done. I'm about to go upstairs to my office when my pager goes off, I'm needed in ortho for a consult. I look at my pager for a second time to see that it's not from Callie but from Dr. Jahr. When I get to room for a consult I see that's it's nothing really big he has a 14 year old patient with cerebral palsy and he needs to fix his developmental dysplasia in his hip. The consult doesn't last that long we have scheduled the surgery first thing in tomorrow morning.
Since it's going on 3 o'clock and I know I've missed my lunch window with Teddy, I just go on the hunt for Callie because I know she will go with me to the cafeteria. As I make my way to her office I see that the door is open and both she and Colleen are inside. Callie looks uneasy as Colleen backs her up into a corner. I quickly make my way to her office when I see Colleen try to touch Callie but Callie knocks her hand down. Colleen doesn't take the hint and tries to touch my wife again.
"I think she wants you to leave her alone," I say as grab Colleen's wrist in the middle of its journey towards my wife. Colleen's faces start to contort in pain as I squeeze down her wrist painfully hard.
"Arizona, stop. Colleen was just about to leave when you showed up." Callie says with a little uncertainty in her voice.
"That's not what it looked like to me," I say calmly as I start to rotate her hand downwards in a painful position.
"Arizona, you're going to break her wrist." Callie puts her hand on my arm hoping to break the death grip I have on Colleen.
"And that affects me how?" I say sarcastically.
"No its ok Callie, I'll play this game with her because the minute she breaks my wrist is the minute she loses her job."
The minute 'play this game' comes out of her mouth, I feel my control snap and let go of her wrist. You should be careful what you wish for because when you play games with me, the loser dies and I haven't lost a game yet.
"I'm sorry, Colleen, I don't know what came over me." My dark passenger and it's still here.
Colleen gives me an uneasy look as the room gets eerily quiet. Not more than minute after our silence both Colleen and Callie get paged. Callie is first one to leave soon followed by Colleen, "behave yourself, Colleen." I say calmly when she reaches the doorway. You don't want your death to be any more painful that it's going to be.
Colleen pauses for a moment before she leaves the room. With a smile on face I leave Callie's office and close the door. I turn to my left to see Stark leaning up against the wall with a smile on his face as well. "Behave yourself, Colleen." he pauses to ponder, "If I didn't know any better I would think you just made a threat towards that innocent nurse."
I don't say anything to him as he pushes off against the wall to stand right in front of me. "First you had the incident in the bathroom, and then you just did the whole wrist thing followed by a verbal threat, all of which were towards Colleen Anderson." Stark takes a moment to laugh at me. "Do get me wrong, I would pissed if some filthy bitch put their hands on my wife, but if I do remember correctly you and I are playing game. A no holds bar, loser dies or goes to jail game, and you Dr. Robbins just put me in first place by a mile." Stalk walks away leaving me still standing there staring into space with a slight look of shock on my face thinking about all the times Colleen and I have interacted with each other.
Stark handed me the rope, and my interaction with Colleen was pretty much me tying and putting the rope around my neck. The question is did I take that jump to hang myself or am I about to make that jump?