Chapter 45: The ending of a friendship part 2: Mayday

: Chosen, it's time to get up.:

Conrart moaned as he rejoined the land of the living. His head was pounding in time with his pulse, and felt heavy. To top it all off, his throat felt like he'd swallowed a pound of sand. He was also fairly certain he was going to be sick.

If the smell was any indication - he'd already been sick at least once.

He barely made it to the trashcan before he lost what was left of yesterday's breakfast. He moaned, he really didn't want to face Mayday with a hangover, particularly not since he still had to teach a few classes today.

For that matter he was running late for his class.

:Happy Birthing Day by the way Chosen: Vanyel said gently as he ran off to class feeling very much like a late student rather than the instructor.

:Thank you. : He replied softly, whishing Vanyel hadn't reminded him.

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Conrart sighed as he headed across the palace grounds. He needed some form of release, a way to get away from the world. He needed to take his mind off of what was going on with Yozak. He needed to forget that today was the anniversary of both his birth and the most miserable day of his life. Hard formation riding should occupy his mind suitably. However he couldn't ask Vanyel, the stallion would never allow him to ride the obstacle course with such a bad hangover, and operating on about an hour of true sleep in the last 72 - all of it very early on day one.

Hell the stallion would likely scold him for the two glasses of ale he'd had after he'd finished his classes for the day. He wasn't drunk not by a long shot, just not entirely sober either.

No what he needed right now was a horse and in order to get that he needed to go to the stables where the ordinary horses where kept.

The walk didn't take long, and he knew he still had a few hours before darkness began to fall. He wanted to sleep tonight and at the moment it looked like the only way he was going to get that wish, would be if he passed out from drink (again) or from sheer exhaustion.

The latter seemed like the more intelligent course of action.

The inside of the stable was clean and smelled of hay, horse and leather – and nothing more. It had all the hallmarks of a good stable with happy healthy horses – not that he'd expected any different.

It didn't take him long to find Alex the stable master, and explain things. The man was a little surprised by his desire to ride something other than his Companion, but he understood his need to focus his attention on something else.

"How good of a rider are you m'lord Herald?" Alex asked mildly, "and I mean on a horse, not a Companion. The beauties may look like horses but I know they aint."

"I was an officer in the Calvary before I was Chosen." Conrart replied.

"Must be a good horseman to be an officer so young," Alex said thoughtfully, "you ever ride a horse that aint quite broken."

Conrart nodded, and Alex continued, "I have a horse here whose saddle broken, but she needs some time under saddle with an experienced rider before I let the kid she's meant for ride her. Would you be willing to put her through her paces? I'd do it myself but four of our hands are too drunk to stand this morning or off enjoying their Beltane marriages, and poor Peter has been sick as a dog for the past week."

Conrart inclined his head and followed the man down the row until they came upon a filly with a strawberry roan coat. He reached out a hand and let the horse get his sent. The horse seemed friendly enough. "How old is the child in question?" he asked softly.

Alex smiled "she be a little more than eight, m'lord. Would you be willing to give me an assessment of how the filly's coming along? She hasn't been exercised much this week and she can be a bit skittish."

Conrart smiled before replying, "I'll keep that in mind while I exercise the horse, and I'll tell you if there are any issues."

Alex smiled, "My thanks Herald, would you mind if I set you up with a bareback pad? She hasn't had much time without the saddle and bridal and I want to make sure she's safe to ride despite childish silliness."

Conrart hesitated; riding bareback probably wasn't a good idea at this point. Not hung-over and nearly dead on his feet from exhaustion. But at the same time he knew he could ride any horse, and it was simply to make sure the filly was safe for a small child to ride…

He sighed, "Bareback is fine."

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Conrart moaned as he sat up, the horse had scrapped him off of her back with the aid of a low hanging branch. His back ached from the impact that had simultaneously knocked the breath form his lungs and jarred him out of dreamland. "That's what I get for riding bareback in my condition," he muttered as he dragged himself to his feet. He glared at the retreating filly; the unexpected sound of his fall had startled the little thing enough that she'd taken off at a fast trot.

He was going to have a hell of a time catching the little horse on his own – he wasn't sure if it was the liquor he'd drunk after his last class, the hangover left over from last night, his continuing exhaustion, or if it was the fall, but he could hardly walk strait.

Well this is embarrassing, he thought.

: Van?: he called softly, : are you busy?:

: Are you alright Chosen?: Vanyel enquired, : it felt like you just took a fall.:

Conrart felt his face heat, how was he supposed to explain this to Vanyel?

:You don't have to explain yourself to me, Chosen, I know you went horseback riding and honestly I don't mind. I wish you'd asked me first, since I'm capable of keeping you on my back regardless of how tired you are. But that's neither here nor there. I suppose you need help catching that little filly?:

Conrart flushed, :I'm afraid so.: he replied dubiously.

:I'll be right there Chosen.: Vanyel replied mildly then added with good humor, :don't go anywhere, with how tired you are I don't want you getting lost in the field.:

Conrart snorted, but stayed where he was as Vanyel had requested, the stallion galloped up a few seconds later and he pulled himself carefully onto his bare back. Van may have been downright daintily built for a stallion, but he was still a bit larger than the filly he'd just fallen off of. Actually at 15.2 hands Vanyel was the smallest horse he'd ridden, since his father decided he was too old for a pony. The filly didn't count; Judging by her joints he was fairly certain she'd be a bit bigger then Van by the time she was done growing.

Van waited for him to find his balance before taking off after the filly, it didn't take long to catch up and Van led her easily back to the stables at a slow amble.

Alex raised an eyebrow at the sight of them, a smile spreading across his face as he suppressed his laughter. "How was she m'lord?" he asked.

Conrart answered him, easily assessing the horse's performance before Vanyel turned and headed towards the Heralds' wing of the palace. Conrart slid gracelessly off of his Companion's back when they came to a stop in front of the small side door used exclusively by Heralds to enter and exit the gardens.

: Get some sleep Chosen: Vanyel told him gently, : things will be better in the morning; and Chosen you should try and clear the air with Yozak. You'll both be happier if you do.:

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Conrart sat curled up on his couch, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, and a now mostly empty bottle of liquor in one hand. The night outside the window of his one room sanctuary of candle light was black as pitch. He jumped in alarm when the wind howled through the trees outside, and thunder crashed. He bolted to his feet nearly tripping over his blanket, and scrambled across the room to close and lock his shutters. He went back to the couch and curled in on himself, trying to force down the irrational fears. He looked around the room; every candle he owned was lit and lined almost every available surface in the room from his end-tables to his coffee table, and even ringed the couch with light.

Despite it all he could feel his heart racing, his breath coming in short shallow gasps, his head hurt, and his stomach rolled in a manner that had nothing to do with the three bottles of liquor he'd drunk since failing to fall asleep after Vanyel brought him back to the castle. On top of that his chest felt tight.

On some level some part of him knew he was having a panic attack. It was the same part of his being that was urging him to drop his shields to Vanyel and flee to the safety of the stables and the warmth, love and protection offered by his Companion. But he'd disturbed Vanyel's nightly activities enough since getting into his fight with Yozak, so he held onto his shields with a death grip that was only amplified by his terror.

The same part of him that urged him to cry out to his Companion urged him to call out to Yozak. To run to his friend and let Yozak sooth him until the panic attack eased and he slept for the first time in days. But he knew Yozak was still angry with him, so he huddled on the couch and tried to forget. Hoping the alcohol and the exhaustion would be enough to finally make him pass out.

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Conrart moaned as he crawled slowly back to consciousness, he wrinkled his nose in disgust as the sour smell of vomit assaulted his nose. A puddle of bile lay on the floor by the couch, bearing testament to last night's brush with stupidity, and the fact that he hadn't eaten anything since before Beltain. He was glad he didn't have to teach a class today his head was pounding. He slowly got off the couch and made his way across the room and leaned heavily against his bedroom door. Abruptly it swung inward the weight of his arm turning the handle – and he fell sideways through his door to land in an ungraceful heap on the floor.

Grumbling under his breath about never drinking again he climbed slowly to his feet with the exaggerated care of one who's not quite sober and knows it. From there he carefully made his way to his bedside table with its bowl and pitcher of water. He poured the water into the bowl and washed his face, pouring the last of the water in the pitcher into a cup and rinsing the horrid taste from his mouth before crossing the room to change into fresh whites.

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Vanyel snorted and stomped one silver hoof as he talked to his sister Jissa, enough was enough. This stupid altercation between Conrart and Yozak had to be put to rest before his chosen killed himself from stupidity. Van was well aware that Conrart's reactions were compounded by his Heat. He also knew the boy was terrified of what was an essentially natural part of his lifecycle and thus to afraid to explain things properly to Yozak. The end result was that Conrart was instinctively acting out in an attempt to gain Yozak's attention – the boy himself didn't even realize it.

Their decision made, and their plan formed Vanyel and Jissa went in search of the Gryphons, they needed the help of a mage, and while Van still had his mage gift – it was greatly diminished by his lack of hands.

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Conrart sat quietly on one of the bridges that spanned the river in a secluded part of Companions' Field. He'd climbed rather clumsily over the bridge hand rails over an hour ago and sat on the small lip on the other side where he was hidden from view. He just wanted to be left alone. He was exhausted, emotionally and physically. He was too tired to deal with anyone – hell he didn't even want to deal with himself right now. The turbulence of his current emotional state was beyond his ability to contain and well beyond his normal allowed emotional range. Normally he didn't allow himself this much of an emotional break – he kept himself on a short leash. It was the only way he'd been able to function since he turned 85. Since then his emotions had been too turbulent for him to deal with, so he'd forced them back and locked them all into a small mental box. It was the only way he could function in society around the blinding terror that had been screaming in his soul since that horrible night.

Sometimes he wondered if he should talk to a mind healer – but then he remembered what that would mean and he held his tongue. He didn't want to be medicated again and he really didn't want to even think about the other consequences of admitting what he'd allowed to happen.

It was almost noon now and he needed to go and actually clean up his rooms. He also needed to at least try to get a little sleep. He didn't think he was going to manage it but he had to try. He rose shakily to his feet, preparing to climb back over the railing and slipped.

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Yozak lounged across Jissa's back, his feet resting on the base of her tail, as the mare ambled through Companion's field headed in the direction of a seclude grotto by the river. He was rather enjoying the late morning sun as it warmed him from head to toe. Idly he wondered what Conrart was up to. On a day like this the former Captain of the Maou's guard would likely have been playing baseball with his godson if they were still in Shin Makoku, or (if his duty to king and country permitted) the two of them would likely be heading off for a quick ride through the country side to have lunch out by the lake he'd taken Conrart to just before his 95th birthday. The lake had always been their special place; Conrart's father had taken them both there a few times when they were just little boys.

He was rather abruptly pulled from his thoughts when he was hit with a wave of fear and suddenly Vanyel thundered past him as if Soushu*1 itself was at his heels, trumpeting an alarm. Quick as a ferret Yozak shifted around on Jissa's back and grabbed a double handful of her lush white mane before the mare launched herself into a gallop following hard on Vanyel's heels.

Yozak hung on, desperately trying not to think about what the oddly comforting feeling of water closing in around him meant for his best friend.

Clods of grass and dirt flew from Jissa's hooves as the mare skidded to a halt on the river bank. Vanyel was in the water his teeth clamped in the collar of Conrart's shirt, attempting to drag the young Herald bodily from the river. However the bank was to steep and the Companion simply could not climb out with the struggling burden clasped in his teeth, and it was too dangerous for the stallion to try to get further away from the steep banks by the bridge – he'd risked inadvertently drowning Conrart.

Yozak threw himself off of Jissa's back and into the water; he grabbed his friend under the arms and hulled him to safety with the help of both their Companions. He was terrified for his friend and his terror had only increased as Conrart's flailing grew weaker and less controlled.

His terror morphed into anger as soon as they were safe on the bank.

"What the hell has gotten into you?" he yelled as Conrart crouched on hands and knees coughing up water, and more Heralds began to appear. "Are you trying to kill yourself?"

Conrart didn't reply, not that Yozak expected him to with how much water he was currently spitting up. "And what the hell was that anyway? The Shinou be damned water elemental nearly drowned! For crying out loud Conrart you taught me to swim! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"It was an accident," Conrart gasped as he climbed shakily to his feet.

"Accident" Yozak billowed, "Tondemo arimasen!*2 That was no accident; how the hell do you explain falling off a bridge with rails?"

Conrart flushed, "I climbed over it alright." He admitted after a moment, "I slipped when I went to climb back over; now leave me the hell alone Yozak, I'm cold and I'm wet and I am not having this conversation with you! It's none of your damned business anyway."

He turned and stalked away, but only got a few feet before he walked nose first into a solid wall of softly glowing pinkish magic. He whorled around glaring fit to drop a man at thirty paces and snapped "let me out of here this instant Yozak!"

"Oh, like I'm responsible for our being trapped in a fucking magic bubble!" Yozak retorted throwing his hands up in the air. "Last time I checked I wasn't a mage. Maybe you should ask your precocious Ambermoon to let you out so the two of you can share favors!"

Conrart gapped at him in shocked outrage for a second before replying "you fucking hypocritical asshole! You should talk when you've slept with more people in one year then I could in my entire life! I've said it once and I'll say it again all Ambermoon did is give me a backrub! And who I do or do not sleep with is none of your concern!"

"A Backrub?" Yozak spat derisively, "Is that what he called it? Tell me, do all of your backrubs end with you spreading your legs? You never did that for me."

Conrart sputtered, his jaw all but hitting the floor and for one long moment Yozak thought his eyes would fall out of his head. "If you're so hung up on what happened, here!" he snapped, shoving the memory of that encounter at Yozak in all its humiliating glory.

Yozak gasped as he finally surfaced from the memory that had been shoved down his throat; feeling Conrart's acute humiliation as if it were his own. "Conrart," he choked, "Conrart I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I should never have accused you, but I was just so enraged at the thought of him touching you."

His connection to the other man was raw, and painful, Conrart had literally shoved that memory through his shields; which should not have been possible to begin with. The end result was that in addition to a blinding headache, he could feel all of Conrart's churning emotions. The other man was furious… and scared. However curiosity also laced through the mental cord that he associated with Conrart.

"Exactly why does the thought of Ambermoon touching me enrage you?" Conrart spat after a second's hesitation, not bothering to turn around and face him.

"He can't touch you!" Yozak snapped, "You're mine damn it!"

Conrart spun around and he gapped at Yozak in shocked disbelief. "What gives you the right to claim me?" he all but growled.

Yozak nearly staggered from the weight of the emotions crashing onto him through his empathic connection to his best friend. Conrart was… pleased, yet terrified, shocked and angry, bemused and a little excited, but he was also defiant. Abruptly Yozak realized he was desperate to make Conrart accept him. He'd showed the other man his strength, his loyalty and his courage over the years, he didn't know what else he could do to make the man his. The hormones screaming through his veins demanded that he simply dominate the other man to show him he could and would protect him. The part of him that was rational however stepped firmly on the carnal impulse. In his desperation he didn't stop to think he just answered. "Damn it Conrart, I love you!"

Conrart scrambled backwards his eyes wide, "what?" he enquired.

Yozak looked down at the ground annoyed at his own stupidity and highly humiliated by what he'd just admitted. In for a copper, in for a gold crown, he thought then gathering his courage, he told the floor "I've always loved you." Tentatively he glanced up and took in his friend's expression.

Conrart looked like he was about to bolt. He backed up until his back hit the mostly transparent barrier that kept them confined. His eyes were wide as he spun around and pounded almost manically upon the wall of the bubble. "Let me out of here!" he demanded.

Alarmed Yozak took a few steps towards his friend, but stopped when it became clear he wasn't helping. "Conrart," he called gently, "Conrart stop it, you're going to hurt yourself."

Conrart looked at him for a minute, "I can't handle this." He said softly. "Not this, not you, I don't want to see you that way."

Yozak felt stricken, with those words Conrart had crushed the quiet hope he'd stupidly held for almost as long as he remembered. He swallowed, "Conrart, just forget I said anything."

Conrart looked at him wide-eyed and Yozak felt the other man's fear wash over him.

"How can I?" Conrart asked quietly. "It's not something that you can just take back! We'll never be the same now that, that is hanging between us."

Yozak felt tears welling up in his eyes, but he didn't let them fall. Was this it? Was this how 12 decades of friendship ended; in a blaze of painful stupidity? Why couldn't he keep his mouth shut? He sighed, "It's been between us a long time Con," Yozak said gently.

"It changes everything!" Conrart replied almost shrilly, "The life bond I could handle, but this too, it's too much. I can't do this. I-I loved Gwilherm once and I – I thought he loved me. He hurt me! He said he loved me and he hurt me! I – I can't do that again. I can't, it hurt!" Yozak opened his mouth to respond but Conrart ran right over him. "You can't love me because, I can't love you like you deserve! I can't love you because if I don't you can't hurt me. I can't be hurt like that again Yozak, not by you – I – I'm not strong enough. I wouldn't survive it this time, not you, anyone else, but not you."

Yozak blinked, "Conrart" he said gently. "We're not lifebound -"

He would have said more but Conrart ran right over him again. "Yes we are! Everyone says so. Ambermoon made me see it!" Yozak couldn't help it, despite knowing nothing was happening between his friend and the Kestra'chern he growled at the sound of the other man's name. Conrart was so worked up he ignored his annoyed growl. "Even Vanyel agrees with him!"

"Conrart, -" he began gently but again Conrart interrupted him.

"Ask Jissa if you don't believe me!" Conrart yelled, before sliding down the side of the bubble to sit on the ground, his arms wrapped around his knees. "Shinou, I – I can't do this."

Yozak gazed down at his currently hyperventilating best friend and contemplated what to do next. He wanted nothing more than to comfort his friend, but he sensed Conrart wouldn't appreciate his touch at the moment." He sighed. : Jissa?:

: The two of you are lifebound, now help your friend.:

Yozak sputtered; then gathering his courage he squatted down in front of his best friend. "I am not going hurt you. I'd never hurt you, Conrart I couldn't. You know that." He told his friend gently.

"I don't know anything right now Yozak," Conrart replied, "Just give me a second I – I need to think."

"Okay, I'll be over there when you're ready." He jerked his head at the other side of the bubble turned and walked away.

It was a good five minutes before Conrart spoke again, but it felt like an eternity, and he couldn't help wondering how Conrart could ever think he could hurt him.

"What would you expect from me?" Conrart asked softly his voice shaking.

Utterly confused Yozak replied. "I don't follow."

Conrart's reply was tentative, "in a relationship what would you expect?"

"I wouldn't expect anything Conrart."

Conrart looked skeptical, "Would you be willing to wait?" Conrart asked uncertainly, "I'm not ready. Shinou I'm not ready for -"

"Sex?" Yozak asked gently, pressing forward cautiously when Conrart nodded. "Conny, I wouldn't care if I was in Rutt and you're in Heat, if you are not ready for sex, I'm not going to pressure you. I sure as hell am not going to demand it from you."

Conrart glanced up at him his beautiful brown eyes searching his, and Yozak offered him a small smile, he knew full well that Conrart didn't go through Heat, but still if it made his point it was a useful analogy.

"Promise?" Conrart asked softly as he climbed to his feet.

Yozak smiled at him, "I promise you I will never hurt you, and I will never pressure you to do something you've told me you're not ready for. I love you too much."

Conrart took the few steps required to cross the bubble, and before Yozak – quite – realized what he was doing struck him across the cheek with an open hand. "I love you too." He said softly.

Yozak stood stock still for a second, too stunned to move – then he lunged forward and engulfed his friend in a bone crushing hug. Leaning in he kissed Conrart deeply, sliding his tongue into his mouth and exploring every inch of the hot cavern until the need for air broke them apart. Conrart blinked at him in surprise.

"You stuck your tongue in my mouth." He said, sounding aghast.

"You didn't seem to mind." Yozak replied cheekily, as the bubble finally melted away.

: Finally.: Vanyel and Jissa said in unison, as Yozak leaned in and Kissed Conrart again.

They broke apart a short time later and Yozak realized – belatedly that the other man was shivering, he also realized Conrart smelled of alcohol, and looked rather like he hadn't seen the soft side of his bed in a week.

Scratch that it looked like he hadn't seen his bed period in a week.

"When was the last time you slept?" he asked quietly.

Conrart blinked at him and went back to leaning against his chest, "three, four, maybe five days… I don't remember."

Yozak sputtered, "Why haven't you been sleeping?" he asked as he scooped the obviously exhausted man up into his arms.

Conrart snuggled up against his chest, getting comfortable. "Beltane and Mayday." He replied sleepily.

Yozak froze, realizing with more than a little bit of horror what day it was. Yesterday was Mayday, one of the two days of the year Conrart hated more than anything. Conrart had been born during the wee hours between Beltane and Mayday.

He'd missed the other man's birthday.

Well he felt like shit.

"Let's get you into bed and get a healer to look at you." He said gently, turning to walk away only to stop when he came face to face with I'Ryk. The healer draped his cloak over Conrart, "Get him into bed before he catches his death of cold Herald, my wife or I will be by to check on him after he's gotten some sleep."

Yozak nodded, and continued walking.

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"I don't get it," Val said softly "I thought you said the spell wouldn't go down until they'd worked out their differences."

"Ssso did I," Treyvan trilled in reply, "perrrrhapsss my magic is ssslipping in my old age?"

Kero laughed, "It worked just fine, in Shin Makoku nobles propose by striking their lover's left cheek with the palm of their open hand. Conrart asked Yozak to marry him."

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AN. There you have it the end of a lifelong friendship as they know it.

And let me tell you probably one of the best ways to "end" a friendship.

*1Soushu according to Ken Murata, is a formless being which has all negative emotions of humanity. Due to its state, it can easily enter the hearts of people who have negative feelings.

*2Tondemo arimasen - bullshit/far from it.