He slept that night, and his mind filled with dreams. They were troubling and filled with fire and destruction. He was sweating through the sheets when he woke up with a start. The room was dark, and it was three a.m. He could feel his heart punching out a staccato rhythm in his chest. He pressed his hand to it and looked around in the dark.
There was light coming in from the open door. The light fell in a rectangular swatch over the tray next to his bed. The coins were toppled. He stared at them. Missouri was walking by the room and he called out to her. "You need something, sugar?"
"Was anyone in here tonight while I slept?" He kept looking around the room, trying to find other things that might have been amiss.
"Not that I know of. I'm the one on duty tonight for this wing. I was planning to check in on you in a few hours." She leaned on the edge of his bed and looked at him like she was trying to read him. "What's got you spooked?"
"I'm not spooked." He looked back at her, trying to project calm.
"You seem spooked." She pulled over the chair and sat in it. "Talk to me, Cas. You having issues with going home today?"
"Maybe that's it. I don't know. You sure that no one was in here?"
"Why do you think someone was in here?"
"Sometimes I just feel like I'm not alone. I keep waking up at the same time every night, and it's cold but not cold to anyone else, and now the coins." He realized all of a sudden that he sounded crazy and stopped.
She reached out to him and rested a warm hand on his leg. "What's this about coins?"
"They were knocked over, but I never heard them fall. I always have them stacked up in columns by type." He was really feeling stupid now. "I'm sorry. I know I sound insane."
"You don't. I wouldn't worry about it though. I never got the sense that anything was in this room that had ill intentions. I always felt like this room was filled with a whole lot of love." She got up then and moved the chair back to the wall. She stepped up to his tray and restacked the coins.
Cas just watched her. She got done and stared down at him. Cas said, "You sound like you know more than what you are saying."
"No, dear. I'm just intuitive. My mom used to say I was psychic or something. I think that it is more that I can empathize with people. Like the way you view your mom. You love her and yet you want to get away from her. She loves you, to an almost smothering degree, but it wasn't always that way. She's just been afraid of losing you for so long that she doesn't remember how else to be with you."
"You think that I'm imagining things because I'm moving home?" He watched her face for signs of ridicule or understanding.
"By way of an answer, let me tell you a little about my momma." She walked over to the thermostat and turned up the temperature. She walked back to the foot of his bed and continued, "She claimed she was a psychic, just like her mother and her mother before her. According to her we come from a long line of clairvoyants and general psychics. We have some cousins in the midwest that claim to be diviners. They make money finding water for people." She looked away as if she were ashamed of the admission. "Anyway, a lot of them were really manipulating people. Didn't like that so much. I was just a kid though, so what did I know. I mean, people have to live, have to eat. Momma always said I was too harsh. I probably could have accepted it, if it weren't for Jonesy. She would give readings to people that had lost family members. I knew for a fact she was making her shit up."
"How'd you know?" Cas angled himself up a little higher in the bed.
"Just knew. Like I said, I'm all kinds of empathetic. It really bugged me. It's just wrong for someone to be taking money from grieving people like that. So, I up and told my momma that I wasn't a psychic. She never forgave me for that. Said I needed to be true to myself or something like that."
Cas chewed on her words a little before he spoke, and when he did it was with a tone of sympathy. "So, you say you aren't a psychic, but that isn't necessarily true."
"True enough."
"So, Miss Not-a-Psychic, you sense anything weird in here?"
She laughed at him a little and turned back to the thermostat and then the corner of the room just under the AC vent. "Your thermostat says that it is 71 degrees in here, but this spot," she moved a little more under the vent. "This spot is cold." She walked over to the coins and pushed them over with a single finger. They clattered noisily over on the tray. "And that would certainly have woken you up."
"So, I'm not crazy someone was in here?" Cas started restacking the coins, and Missouri stepped back.
"I don't know, Cas. Do you believe in that sort of thing?" She seemed like she was trying not to commit all of a sudden, and Cas didn't understand why.
"Maybe I do. I mean, doesn't it seem like there's more to all of this? I spent a whole lot of time doing the dying thing, and I'll admit that most days, I just thought that none of it mattered, that I'd be just done at the end of it all. Some days, though, I believed that there was something more, something bigger than all of this. Maybe I just needed to feel less like everything was ending back then, but I don't know."
Missouri pulled the chair back over to the side of the bed and sat. "Think of it like energy." She looked at him waiting to see if he was okay with the track she was about to take. "So, you and everyone else, you all have a soul. We get it in the beginning. It is slipped in and the blood flows, and the mind kicks on, and we carry it through all things." She moved her hands up in a sweep as though she was miming a slope. "So, you get this soul, and it pushes you up the slope. Think of it as all of this potential energy. You live, live, live. Then, one day, you start rolling back down that slope, and some of that energy gets used up in the move." She sweeps her hand again, but this time, stops abruptly mid-sweep. "Now, if something comes along to stop all of that living abruptly, then the energy gets dumped out all at once. I think that something like that would make the energy, or soul get all confused. I think that it would just gather itself and wait for some sort of comfortable resolution so that it could move on."
"So, as long as it just trickles out slowly over a lifetime, you think that it just moves on, but that abrupt ends make things problematic?" She nodded at him. He looked over at the corner and added, "So, someone is hanging out in my room because they can't move on?" The uptick in his tone sounded funny even to his ears.
She drummed her fingers on the edge of his bed and said, "I don't know, Cas. Guess you'll just have to decide what you believe for yourself. But if ever there was a place filled with abrupt endings, I'd say this hospital was that place. I wouldn't worry about it, Cas. There is too much to live for to be dwelling on the world of the dead." She patted his leg and added, "You need to get some rest before your family whisks you away from here." She looked a little sad at that.
"I'll actually miss you, ya know?" He gave her a sad sort of smile.
She stepped over to the tray. She had spent a fair amount of time tending to his needs over the months that he had been in the hospital. She had sat by him and read to him. She was busy, yes, but somehow she had managed to carve out time for his comfort. He suspected that she was doing the whole visiting thing when she was off duty. It had made him feel special and also a little guilty. She plucked up a pen from the tray and wrote something on a little slip of paper.
"Now, don't go thinking that I do this with just everyone." She handed him the paper and added, "I think that maybe you could use a friend once you are out there in the world again, and I think that maybe I might be the right kind of friend for you."
Cas took the paper and rubbed it a little between his thumb and forefinger. He didn't know what to say. He had never had an easy time with friendships and here was one just so easily forged. "Thank you, for literally everything. It won't be weird for you if I call and ask you about cold spots in my house or if I complain about Michael's latest publishing nightmare?"
She laughed, "It'll only be weird if you force me to listen to the novel that he was reading to you in here. Oh my good God, that was torture." They both laughed now. "So, when you figure out how to move out here, let me know, and I'll lend a hand." She gave him a final pat and made her way back to the door. "Guess I better get back to work. You rest up."
He gave her a little salute and put her number on the tray. "Will do, boss."
Coming home after so much time away was not a quiet affair. He had hoped to move silently through the house to his room, where he would likely sit in the dark for some hours. It sounded depressing when he shared the plan with his mom, but in his head it was actually a peaceful plan. "Well, that is not how your first evening at home is going to go. Don't you think that your family and friends will want to see you?"
"Uh, you all see me everyday, and what friends?" He could see the house up ahead, its roof protruding from the landscape just a little. The rolling fields of deep green grasses obscuring the yard and smaller features of the property. He could see the big red barn off to the side. It wasn't used as a traditional barn though. His mom and dad had renovated it into an office space. The center was a broad open space where they entertained clients, and the rooms off the back end of the building had been made into small offices and guest rooms. Upstairs the space was a broad loft that his father used for his writing and editing. Cas had an office on the back end of the barn. He had hoped that he would be allowed to make it his living space. He had hoped that he would be allowed at least that much distance. Hopes were meant to be dashed.
They turned onto the long driveway that wrapped around the property in a meandering way, eventually ending in front of the house with its wrap around porch. The whole place was meant to project an aura of family and comfort. His parents bought the place and put a lot of work into it in order to get potential clients to a comfortable place before they signed on the dotted line. Of course, they also had the offices in the city for the more formal clients and for the larger aspects of the business. Michael spent most of his time there.
As the car came to a halt in front of the house, Cas noticed all of the vehicles littering the driveway. The front porch had a big banner hanging from it declaring, 'Welcome Home, Castiel!" It was clearly his mom's doing. Her careful script spanned the banner in a variety of colors. "Well, Castiel, I think that maybe you might just be wrong about people wanting to welcome you home."
"Oh God, mom. What did you do?" They got out of the car and made their way up the steps. His dad stepped to his side and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"Sorry, son. You know your mom is pretty excited to have you home." Cas just looked back at him as his mom bounced through the front door.
"He's home!" She called out the announcement as she entered. They followed her in and Cas was immediately greeted by swarms of people. His sister, Anna threw her arms around him and a tiny plague of little children did the same. There were four of them, all within two years of each other in age. They were wild little hell-beasts. Right now, though, they were actually being quite sweet. He hugged them back.
"I missed you." Anna said into his ear.
"You saw me in the hospital." He stepped back and laughed at her.
"Yeah, but it was weird there. I feel like outside of it, we can go back to being ourselves again." He looked at her as she said it and felt like he really understood what she meant.
She released him and then pressed kisses to the heads of her children. Next there were uncles and aunts. There were people from back in his school days, somehow occupying space in his parent's living room. There were clients that he had met face to face, and some that he had not. The evening would be long. He worked his way through the crowd and made an effort to look happy doing so. He struggled with interactions. He really felt just how out of practice he was. Thirty minutes into the party, and people were still trickling in. He hadn't realized just how many people he knew, mostly from his editing work. They all appreciated him, effusively. As the evening progressed he found himself edging further and further out to the edges of the crowds, then the porch.
He leaned on the porch railing looking out to the driveway. One of his clients had taken up residence at his side. She was a cheerful woman with flowing red hair, that reminded him of his sister. Charlie was one of the clients that he would actually call a friend. They had met years ago when her first book had come to his desk. He devoured it, a murder mystery so unique and compelling that he actually went back to it multiple times just for the joy of reading it. He had been further charmed by her, when she had turned in her author photo for the book jacket. It had been a rather adorable picture of a gerbil. She wanted to be anonymous, thus the picture. They became friends after when he asked her to lunch. They had managed to make it a semi-regular thing. "So, you hate every bit of this, don't you?"
"A world of yes." He looked at her after he said it, and immediately added, "Uh, sorry. I didn't mean you know, this part."
She laughed at him, "Oh, silly. I totally know what you meant. Let's not go back in for some time." She hip bumped him and then went back to drinking from her plastic tumbler. Cas drank too. Then a car pulled up to the house, an unfamiliar car. "Who's the late arrival?"
"Don't know." He couldn't see into the car and squinted a little more to try to get answers.
The car doors opened almost in unison, and the Winchesters eased out. John, Mary, and Dean walked over to the porch. There was also a woman with dark brown waves of perfect hair that Cas had never seen before. "Tell me that you can introduce me," Charlie whispered into his ear.
"Would if I could. I don't know her at all. The others are the Winchesters. They're the family of Sam, the guy that gave me his heart."
Charlie reached over to him and said, "Oh, Cas." They were at the steps now when Cas gave Dean a little wave. He moved around her to greet them.
"So, I see that my mom got to you too." He reached out and shook hands with John and Mary. He turned to Charlie and said, "Charlie Bradbury, this is John and Mary Winchester, and their son Dean."
He noticeably turned to the brunette and smiled. Mary reached back to her and pulled her forward. They each shook Charlie's hand first, then Mary said, "This is Ruby Jennings. Sam's..." Ruby cut off the rest of the sentence by stepping forward to shake Cas' hand.
Cas shook her hand and then stepped back. She looked up at him, dipping her head a little as she did so. Her dark brown eyes peered up through thick lashes. Her mouth was pursed into a thin line with a forced smile. It was likely awkward for her meeting him, he thought. "Lovely to meet you. I have heard only wonderful things about Sam."
"Thank you." Her voice was quiet and luminous. He imagined that it was a voice that would charm anyone if she used it to form more than two words. Becky came out of the house then.
"John, Mary, so glad you both could make it." She turned to Dean then and added, "So good to see you again, Dean." She nodded toward Ruby and said, "So, is this your girlfriend?"
Dean looked immediately awkward, taking a step back and noticeably cringing. "Uh, no. This is Ruby, Sam's fiance. Ruby, this is Becky Rosen-Shurley." Cas wasn't sure when Dean had picked up on his mother's hyphenated name, but somehow he had managed.
She reached past Dean and shook Becky's hand. "Pleasure to meet you."
"Pleasure's all mine, dear." Becky smiled at her through the handshake.
John turned back to Cas and Charlie. "I know this might sound weird, but are you the Charlie Bradbury that wrote Paths in Perdition?" John looked at Charlie past a squint, the glare of the hot afternoon sun lighting up the porch and him.
"I am, but don't go sharing that with anyone. Girl's gotta keep her anonymity somehow." She smiled.
"Well you look nothing like the gerbil. I totally thought that you were a man." He reached out again to shake her hand. "I am literally your biggest fan."
She shook his hand back and said, "You aren't going to tie me up and break my ankles now are you?" They all froze up a little at that.
Cas laughed. "She's referring to Misery by Stephen King. It's a joke." They all still stood there, silent.
Then John laughed, "I totally got the reference. I just thought it would be funny to make you feel awkward." He laughed again and Charlie joined him.
"Shit, I totally thought that I just freaked you out. Like, literally five people know who I am, and all I could think was, great this guy thinks I'm a lunatic."
"Well, I sure hope you have a sequel coming out soon. That cliffhanger was a doozy." John smiled and the lines at his eyes crinkled up a little more.
"I was just waiting for Cas here to get done with this little hospital thing so that he could edit me up good. I really don't trust anyone else to do this justice like he does."
John turned to Cas then and said, "So, how much do I have to pay you for a sneak peek? Seriously, name your price."
"Oh, no, don't even try to corrupt me. Charlie would kill me if I shared it. Not to mention, my dad would actually fire me. I may be family, but he would have no problem disowning me over that."
John rested a hand on his shoulder then and said, "So, what you're saying is that I need to pay a rather hefty amount to make it worth your while and maybe throw my first born into the deal as well."
"Hmm, now I also get your first born. Geesh, how can I turn down this deal?" Cas glanced at Dean as he spoke.
"I know, and I haven't even made a clear money offer yet. I think that I just might be getting my sneak peek."
Charlie gave Cas a gentle slug to the arm. "Don't you even think about it Shurley. I don't care how good looking the offer is."
Dean interrupted then. "You all get that this is getting awkward, right?"
Cas laughed, "And that, my friend, is the best part."
Becky reached past them to Mary's arm and gently directed her to the house. John followed. Dean waited a little as they passed. Ruby lingered a moment then followed them in too.
"My dad really does love your writing."
"I picked up on that." Charlie tossed back the last of her drink and asked, "So, you've been trying to convince this one to move to the city huh?"
"I think that he was already set on it. I just gave him an apartment magazine."
Cas tossed back the last of his drink too and said, "This is true. I really need to call on that one that you live in. It looked like a nice place, if the picture is in any way accurate."
"Oh, it is. The courtyard in the middle is the little extra gem. On some nights, the residents have little gatherings out there. They have these little paper lanterns that run across the space, and it is really quite pretty there." He shuffled his feet a little and seemed like he was interested in a spot on the porch near his toe. "I realize that I just sounded hella cheesy. I do recommend the place though. It is convenient and reasonably priced."
"You don't have to convince me. I really don't see myself sticking around here for long. I need to forge my own path at least a little. Hopefully, mom can get over it." Cas glanced over at Charlie then. She was smiling a cheshire cat grin. "What? You look all smug."
"Oh, nothing, just you." She got up and hugged him. "I'm really glad you are okay now. I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with all of this new found life you got ahead of you."
"Well," he let her go, "I hope that moving to the city will lead to more lunches with my bestie."
"Well, duh. Maybe you'll finally have a dating life that we can commiserate over."
"Wow, that doesn't sound dire or anything. You think that I am going to have a sad dating life?"
"Totally. It'll likely be awkward, filled with unresolved sexual tension, self-doubt, and the inevitable boinking. Looking forward to all of the lunch time conversations about that little journey." She laughed as he wrinkled his features up at her. She made her way down the front steps. "Tell your mom I said B-Y-E."
Dean tipped his head to the side and asked, "Why'd you spell it."
Charlie answered, "Didn't want her to think that I was saying B-I, because I am not. She maybe kinda hopes that Cas and I are both B-I, Bi and that we will swing each other's ways. Not gonna happen."
"Wow, Charlie, you mean I can't sway you to this little bit of paradise." Cas took a little spin and raised his hands up over his head.
"Oh, hold me back." She tipped her head up to the sky and called out, "Oh, lesbian muses, save me from the temptation." They all laughed at her antics as she wandered off to her car. "Peace out bitches."
He and Dean stood there for awhile watching the dirt settle back to the road as Charlie rounded the corner. "So, you wanna give me the grand tour?" Dean asked.
"Oh, yeah, sure. I've been rude." He slipped his thumbs through his belt loops and moved down the steps.
"Uh, where you going?"
"Not in the house, that's for sure. You haven't been in there yet, but me and crowds are no bueno. So, the tour starts out here." He nodded toward the yard and began walking off. Dean finally moved to join him, and in two quick strides was at his side.
"So, I'm gonna get a tour of the driveway, huh?" Dean's lip quirked up into a half-grin.
"Well, we did use the finest concrete." They laughed. "Actually, I figured I'd show you the awesome barn. It's where I work, or at least used to work." They got to the other end of the property and crunched along on the pea gravel walkway to the side entrance. They went in, Cas switched on the lights. The central room was all aglow under the big hanging overhead lamp. The table was a light oak thing taking up massive amounts of space in the room. Despite that though, the room was cozy and warm. Cas told him about the remodel and then directed him to the stairs up to the loft. "This is where my dad and mom work. Well, mostly my dad. Mom likes to go into the city for her part."
"He edits too?" Dean asked as they entered the wide open space that was his father's loft office.
"Yes, and writes too. He has a few books in circulation, ghost stories, that sort of thing." Cas walked over to his father's desk and let his fingers trail over the keyboard that sat there. On the adjacent desk was an old Underwood Standard typewriter. He could see that his father had a letter rolled in it, which he was clearly in the midst of typing.
"Whoa, your dad uses that thing, when he has a perfectly reasonable computer?" Dean leaned over the desk and looked at the paper coming out of the typewriter.
"Yeah, dad always said that just because something's old, doesn't mean it isn't good. He likes the way the keys feel under his fingers, and he likes the look of typed print." Cas let his fingers graze the keys a little. "Far be it for me to question his joys."
Dean moved down a different conversational path, the connection completely lost on Cas. "So, your mom wants to set you up with a lesbian, huh?"
"Yeah, mom may have sat through Brokeback Mountain while claiming love and tolerance, but she never quite let go of her desire for copious amounts of grandchildren. Guess she figured one lesbian plus one gay equals a straight couple and grandbabies." He noticed that Dean's face shifted a little with his words.
"I thought that your parents just misunderstood you. Didn't catch that you were actually gay."
"Oh, I thought that it was way obvious. Guess I don't date often enough though to give off the vibe, either that or you don't have the Dar." He moved back to the stairs and started down them. "Come on, I'll show you the other offices."
"What's Dar?"
"You know, Gaydar." He laughed a little. "Guess you don't have that."
"Or apparently the ability to process simple sentences. You did pretty much say you were. I just didn't hear it that way."
"Does it matter to you?" Cas stopped at the bottom of the stairs and looked back up at Dean as he came down the last couple of steps.
"Nope. Just hate it when I miss details. I seem to be doing that a lot lately. It's hard sometimes to have the right amount of focus when all my brain wants to do is shut down. I'm working, and that is helping, but when I'm not, I just can't seem to function." He stopped talking for a moment and then said, "Hey, sorry. I totally didn't mean to share all of that."
Cas reached out to his arm and said, "I don't mind. I certainly think that I could be a decent listener if you need one. Lord knows it would be a relief to listen to someone that isn't my family."
"They seem nice."
"They are."
"So, you gonna show me your office, or should I break out the bon-bons and tampons?" Dean moved past him a bit and Cas stepped aside.
"Well, not sure what that means, but wow, kinda sexist maybe." He lead the way out to the back hall. At the end of it there was a split leading off to the two ends of the building. One side had two doors in it and the other had three.
"I wasn't intentionally being sexist. That has to count for something." Cas didn't respond and Dean added, "Sorry. I don't really talk much about my feelings and stuff. Sam use to encourage it, and now it seems like I should talk about things, but he isn't here to make it happen."
Cas turned to Dean and said, "Seriously meant it when I said I'd like to listen." Then to make the mood a little lighter he added, "So, when I get a place, I'll have you over for bon-bons and chats about your feelings." He grinned as he opened the door to his office. It was a little musty, but that would change as soon as he aired it out a bit. He flicked on the lights and saw that someone had already deposited a file on his desk. The post-it note on top said, 'for whenever you're ready.' He flipped back the cover and saw that it contained a print out of Charlie's most recent book. "Oh, don't tell your dad about this. He might break in for a copy of it."
Dean peared past his shoulder and read the title. "So, can I tell him the title?"
"Absolutely not." Cas waved a hand out to the room and said, "Welcome to my home away from home."
"All ten feet away from home."
Cas laughed, "Yeah, I thought about putting a bed in here, but mom apparently already set up my space in the main house. It's weird being back in the old childhood room. I think that once I see my old posters and shit, I'll just run out screaming. I only lived at home for a brief spell after college, and I was plenty sick, so I wasn't keeping track of much."
Dean walked over to Cas' wall of books and skimmed over the titles. "Do I get to see your room too?"
"Hmm, not sure. I really am avoiding the main house. I literally spoke with fifty people tonight. I'm pretty grateful that you showed up. Got me out of the awkward socializing."
"You don't think it's weird that we are out here visiting during your welcome home party? Seems like you should maybe be doing the whole visiting with the long term friends thing." Dean picked up a picture off of Cas' desk and looked at it.
"I'm where I want to be, but if you want to head over, I'll oblige." Cas wandered back to the door and made a beckoning head nod. Dean set down the picture and followed.
"I didn't mean that you had to go back to the house. I was just commenting. I'm content out here too." Dean was right on Cas' heels as he headed out into the main room. He stopped abruptly and Dean ran into him a little.
"I, sorry. I didn't know you were right behind me. If I can get a tour of the apartment tomorrow, would you wanna do lunch afterwards?" Cas wasn't sure what he was asking or even why. He just knew that he liked the fact that things with Dean felt comfortable. Maybe it was the heart. Maybe it was the way that Sam's heart just picked up the pace a little whenever Dean was near him. He wanted to keep that. The steady drumming excitement that came with these moments of proximity.
"I'm off work at around two. Would that be too late?" Dean looked younger in the golden light from the overhead lamp. Cas thought that maybe he also looked younger because he dipped his head a little with the question, as if he believed that he was asking too much of Cas.
"Waiting until two is nothing. I probably won't get to the city until the afternoon anyway. Then the tour will happen. Two would likely be perfect. Should we plan to go to Ellen's or somewhere else?" Cas resumed walking back toward the outside and the house. Dean followed him.
"Ellen's place might be nice. You are owed a burger or something from her if I remember right." Dean grinned at Cas' side as they walked. The moon was out now. He hadn't realized that they had been in the barn so long. It was still that funny time when it was day and night all at once. Twilight time. They stopped in the middle of the driveway for a moment and both looked up at the moon. "Always funny when you see it in the day, like the sky is broken or something."
Cas felt the warmth of Dean's arm next to his, the brush of fabric from Dean's over shirt making a little rustling noise against his own shirt. "Not broken, just special. Like someone out there said, the night isn't appreciating this enough; let's give it to the day too."
"Hm, maybe." They walked a little. "Guess I should let my mom know that she shouldn't set you up with Jo."
"Not that I want to be set up, but why?" He laughed as he asked.
"Pretty sure Jo's not your type."
"Really, I might like him." Cas elbowed Dean lightly as they walked.
"Well, Jo's my cousin, my very female cousin. She's not blood related, but close enough. Mom thought that might be an issue. She even said something about how it wouldn't be weird since Jo's not actually blood."
"Why would that matter to her?"
"On account of the heart." Dean didn't look at him when he said it, as if it was awkward for him. They mounted the steps to the porch.
"She does get that I'm not Sam right?" Cas felt regret as soon as he asked it. He thought that maybe Dean didn't yet feel comfortable with hearing his brother's name or the dismissal of his presence.
"Yeah, she knows, I think." Dean reached out for the door. Cas stopped him with a hand to the screen.
"You get that I'm not him right? I mean, I'm really not, even if I wish that I could be that for you all. He was, I think, a way better person than I'll ever be."
"You don't know that. He might have been anything. You only know what we told you."
"Yeah, and I can see how you miss him. I can see what he meant every time we talk." Cas wasn't sure why he needed to make the distinction, but somehow it seemed to matter. He wasn't Sam, and he couldn't bring him back for them by just carrying this heart.
"I know you aren't Sam. I get that. I just miss him, and," He let his hand slide back from the door to his side. He looked at Cas then in the twilight haze on the front porch. "I feel better when you're around. You make me forget how much it hurts." He looked away then and Cas reached over and pulled him into a hug. Dean didn't hug back.
"You know this is a hug. Likely the most awkward hug to ever hug. Now, you can solve it by hugging back, and then we can end it, or I can keep hugging you until it becomes funny. Your choice." Cas had his face pressed into Dean's shoulder. He sucked in a deep breath of Dean's scent, leather and soap. A clean kind of earthy aroma. Dean hugged back, a quick squeeze and back slap, a kind of thanks bro moment.
"Well."
"Yeah, well. That wasn't so bad. Next time don't be awkward." Cas reached out and opened the door.
"You gonna make a regular thing out of this?"
"The hugging?"
"Yeah." Dean was beside him as Cas closed the front door.
"Yep. Might hug you goodbye too. You've met my mom. I had to get something from that side of my genepool. Looks like I got the hug thing." The sound of chatter was fully a part of the atmosphere of the house. He wondered how long he would have to be a part of it.
"Didn't peg you for the hugging type. Kinda thought that you didn't like people."
"I like people just fine, in small doses. Plus, you are a little more tolerable than most." Cas threw him a lopsided grin and pulled him along by his shirt to the stairs. "How about part two of the tour?"
"Oh, gonna show me the shameful kid room?"
"Yep, one more way that I get to avoid the crowd." They took the stairs two at a time. Cas pushed his door open, not sure what he would find there. He was a bit surprised to find the entire Winchester party and his parents wedged into the space. The room wasn't small, but it wasn't exactly meant to accommodate five adults plus Dean and Cas. They stayed in the doorway for a moment. "Uh, hello."
"Oh, there you two are. We were looking for you both earlier, Charlie too." Becky made her way past the others to him. "So, you like the room? I got you a new comforter and some new art for the walls. Just told the Winchesters about the posters that used to be everywhere in here." The room was nice enough for a guest room. The art was fine enough too. It was all just kind of not him. The comforter was lime green, and the art included a bunch of close-ups of plants. Not bad, just not quite him. She did keep three framed posters up on the window wall, all Star Wars related.
"Thanks mom. Just finished giving Dean the tour of the offices." He kissed her on the cheek. It was easier this way. He knew that she meant well. It wouldn't kill him to just be nice about it all.
"Your parents just showed us some very adorable baby pictures." Mary chimed in from over by Cas' bed.
Cas' face fell a little. "No, mom. You didn't."
"Just a couple." Becky sounded quite pleased with the experience.
Cas looked at Mary and said, "I'm so sorry about that."
Mary came over to him and rested a hand on his shoulder. "Obviously, we enjoyed it. Your family is delightful." She turned back to her family. "We should let you have your room back."
Mary's word apparently was law, as John, Ruby and Cas' parents moved out of the room. Ruby stayed somewhat near them as the rest made their way down the stairs. "Would love to hang with you two for a bit."
"Seen enough of my baby pictures?" Cas asked Ruby as he motioned to the room. Dean and Ruby moved into the room again. Cas followed them in and sat on the edge of his bed. Ruby propped herself up on the window sill. Dean sat on the rolly office chair that was next to Cas' very sparse desk.
"Like Mary said, the pictures were enjoyable. You had the cutest little bum." Ruby smirked over at him.
"Oh God, this is Hell." Cas flopped back onto the bed and covered his eyes.
"Could be worse, Cas. Coulda been full frontal." Dean laughed.
"Oh, we totally got that view too. Cas is definitely circumcised." Ruby looked like she was enjoying this.
"I'm going to kill my mom. Seriously, going to kill her."
Ruby laughed even more. "You are well and truly loved by them, your parents. You should really try not to be mad. I was just having fun at your expense."
Dean got up and plopped down on the other side of the bed from Cas. "I guess I can kinda see why you might want to move to the city."
"Thanks. I am seriously going to be there tomorrow, even if I can't get a tour set up. A few hours tomorrow morning and I'll be more than ready for a break." Cas rolled onto his side and propped his head up with his hand.
Ruby had her purse settled on her lap. She rummaged around in it a bit and pulled out a silver flask. She unscrewed the top and tipped it back. She looked at them both while she drank and lowered it back. "What? You aren't the only one that gets through the days with a little something extra." She held out the flask to Dean then. "You know you want it."
Dean took it and wiped off the top with his t-shirt before tipping back a bit too. He looked at Ruby and said, "Whoa, what the Hell is this?"
"Just whiskey." She smiled though and Cas was left wondering if it wasn't something more. Dean took another swig.
"That ain't just whiskey, but it is damn good." He leaned toward Cas and held out the flask. "Ya want some?"
Cas took the flask and took a small sip. He didn't wipe off the top first. The alcohol, whatever it was, was powerful. He choked a little. "Whoa, is right." Somehow, this small act between them made them soften a little, grow more noticeably comfortable. Ruby got up and tossed herself on the end of the bed next to Dean. She reached out and Cas handed her the flask. She took another swig before twisting the cap back on.
Cas reached back and grabbed a second pillow and tossed it to Ruby. "Here." She scrunched it up and laid on it. Dean moved up a bit and had his back to the post at the end of the bed. "So my mom didn't overwhelm you too much?"
"Nope. She was nice. I just followed John and Mary around as she showed them stuff. I enjoyed the tour. Glad to be here now. I haven't been much for socializing, and this was about the full extent of what I am willing to do." She pushed her cheek into the pillow a little so that only half of her face peaked out.
"Maybe you should have followed us for the outside tour." Dean gave her a gentle pat.
"Nah, didn't want to intrude." She looked back at Dean.
"How would that be intruding?" Dean wrinkled his brows together, and Cas curled up more at the top of his bed.
"Oh, you know." She went back to pressing her cheek into the pillow. "Sam would have liked this party," she muttered.
"Yeah, Sam liked everything though, so that's not saying much." Dean pulled his legs more up onto the bed.
"Was he a social butterfly?" Cas asked while watching Dean and Ruby for signs of discomfort.
"He was." Dean looked off at the wall of Cas' old posters. "Dude, some of these posters are like collector's items."
Cas noted the change of subject and went with it. "Nah, most are just knock-offs of the originals."
"Not that one." Dean pointed at the actual vintage Star Wars poster carefully framed and hanging over his dresser.
"You're not wrong there. Yeah, my dad and I saw it together in the theaters when they rereleased it. It holds a bit of the old sentimental value." Cas stared at it a moment then looked back at Dean.
"That's older than the re-release though, isn't it?" Ruby chimed in.
"Yes. My dad got it for me some time ago. I think he thought that it was the last gift he would ever get me." Cas felt odd sharing the detail, but he went on. "I had some troubles with the ticker, landed me in the hospital. Doc told the fam that they needed to make peace or some shit that got them all worked up. Mom was crying all the time. Even Michael looked like he was being dragged through hot coals. Felt sorry for Anna while she tried to cope with her feelings with her kids hanging off her legs. But dad, that one was the one that really got me. He came in at night and sat by my bed. He thought I was sleeping, and he sang me a song. I didn't even know that he sang, yet there he was, doing his thing. I started crying. He noticed and apologized for waking me up."
"Poor guy," Ruby said, a hint of sorrow underlying her tone.
"Yeah, well, the next morning he shows up with this." Cas pointed at the poster. "He said that he had wanted to wait until my birthday to give it to me, but that he was never good at holding in surprises. I knew that what he really meant was that he thought I wouldn't make it that long."
"But you did." Dean reached over and gave his leg a pat. Cas hadn't realized it, but he had a single tear that had escaped. It ran down his cheek and off into the bed. He swiped at his face with his arm and pasted on a smile.
"Yeah. That I did, thanks to Sam." He felt bad about tossing them back into the discomfort of talking about Sam, but he needed them to know that he was grateful, that Sam meant something to him now too.
"How come you don't have a dog?" Ruby asked from somewhere out of left field.
"Wow, random much?" Dean said.
"Not random at all. I just want to know how a totally cool dude like Cas here doesn't have a dog. Cool dudes have dogs, and I see no evidence of a dog here." Ruby smiled over at Cas.
"I don't have a dog," Dean said.
"I rest my case. Cool dudes have dogs." She smirked.
"Wow, Ruby, just wow." Dean donned an air of the offended.
"I don't have a dog either, Dean, so I guess neither of us can be defined as cool." Cas laughed.
"You want to get a dog though, huh?"
"I hadn't considered it. My family was concerned that having a dog would be too much added responsibility given the situation we were in already. Other pets were fine. Lower maintenance was the mantra concerning them." Cas sat up and hugged his legs to him, a mirror of Dean's posture.
"Well, there's a reason I'm asking." Ruby rolled back onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. Sam was a dog guy, like totally, completely smitten with the little buggers. He and I were going to adopt one after the wedding. We didn't want to go get a dog just to abandon it while we were on our honeymoon. Well, I was just thinking maybe you would be a dog person too."
"I wouldn't mind getting a dog. I kinda need to figure out the living sitch first. Your place allow dogs, Dean?"
"Maybe. I never checked. I didn't have the dog love that Sam had."
"More of a cat person?" Cas smiled a half grin that went to his eyes and saw that Dean was smiling back.
"Maybe, a little. I like that they don't give a shit, knock your stuff right off the counter if they just get a little punk ass urge to."
"They say people's pets take after their owners." Mary's voice came from the doorway. They all sat up a little more then and stared off at her. "Oh, don't mind me."
"Didn't see you there, mom." Dean got up then and walked over to her and planted a kiss on her cheek. "You saying I'm kinda like a punk ass cat?"
"You know it. I remember when you were a kid, and you use to sit in your high chair. I'd set a bottle on the tray and you'd just, all casual like, reach out and sweep it off to the floor." She wrinkled her nose up at him. "You taught your little brother that too. So, yeah, you are most definitely a punk ass...cat."
"Sammy had skills though. I swear that kid could fling his bottle across the room like he had some sort of superpower or something. Then he'd laugh and laugh. Maybe he was secretly a cat person too, Ruby."
"Nope, total sweetheart just like a puppy, unlike you, you surly old cat." She got up and gave him a hug and Cas watched the warmth and affection that was going on in his doorway. He wondered if, in time, Ruby wouldn't become a cat person. He got up then.
"Well, I actually came to fetch you both. John and I are thinking that we will head back home now. Becky invited us back next week for dinner. I think that it might be our turn to host though."
"Oh, mom loves company. You said yes, right?" Cas thought that maybe this might make dinner a less awkward affair.
She smiled at Cas with a look of pure affection. She walked over to him and gave him a hug. "Of course." When she let him go she turned slowly to Ruby and Dean. "You both are coming too."
"Of course," Dean and Ruby replied in unison.
"Well, we better get going. Your dad's already grumbling about how early he has to get up tomorrow. I swear, it's like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders or something." She sighed and Dean linked an arm around her waist as they stepped into the hall.
"I'll walk you all out." Cas stepped out behind them, and followed them down the stairs. His mom and dad were at the bottom of the stairs with Dean's dad. They all said their protracted goodbyes with promises to work out dinner plans later in the week. Cas kept smiling on the way out to the porch. "So, tomorrow?" He said it more like a question toward Dean's retreating back.
Dean let go of his mom's waist, and she continued on to the car. Cas' parents retreated to the inside of the house and the guests that were still there. "You just call me when you are ready for lunch. Actually, text me when you get to the apartment. I might be able to do the tour with you, if we don't get a call at the station."
"I won't hold you to it, but I'll definitely text you. Thanks again, even if it doesn't work out." Cas toed at the top step of the porch and averted his eyes a little.
"What do you think won't work out?" Cas looked up at him. Dean was watching him, waiting for an answer.
"I don't know. They might not have any availability, or whatnot." He went back to rubbing his foot along the step. "Lots of things might not work out. I just wanted you to know that I was grateful for this little bit anyway."
"Just so you know, it may be weird and stuff, but I'm not going anywhere whether you decide to get the place or not, so don't lose my number." Cas glanced back up at him and Dean added, "Unless you feel like this is too weird for you."
"Nope, totally not weird." Dean looked at him skeptically. "Uh, I mean, weird, but not too weird." His lip quirked up into another lopsided grin. "Skedaddle, your family's waiting for you."
"Skedaddle huh?" Dean said as he backed down the steps. "Is that how you country folks say goodbye?"
"I ain't a bit country, but yeah." Dean smiled still as he turned to the car that was waiting for him. Cas gave him a little half-hearted wave and watched as they drove off. He wrapped his arms around himself as he turned back to the house, a little chill in the night air seemed to cover him as he made his way back into the party and the warmth of his home.