In the days that passed after their beach adventures Cas found himself utterly and completely married to his phone. For someone that had gone virtually his entirely life without the need for friends, he was certainly learning quickly what it was to need. Between Charlie and Dean there was a near constant stream of notifications buzzing away in his pocket. They would comment snarkily on nearly everything that they encountered. One day there was a picture of Dean outside of a restaurant proclaiming that they had the world's largest burgers. The accompanying text said, Dare me.
Charlie sent a picture of herself at the mall dressed in what had to be the most garish outfit she could find. It was bright yellow and littered in what looked like bee patches. She wore a bemused expression in her dressing room selfie that seemed to ask, does this work and should I buy it. Her accompanying text said, Dare me.
Both he and Dean replied back with adamant Nos and corresponding reasons for them when she tried to "make them see reason." Cas had not made it back to the city as often as he had wanted, and he had wanted to participate in their daring game. He had literally nothing around his home though that was worthy of the photo. He puttered around his room and put things in boxes. Occasionally, his mom would pop in and chat with him. Some days he spent in his office, typing away or editing anything that wasn't Lucy's manuscript. He did open it and that may have been a generous enough act for the day.
He laughed as a thought overtook him. He angled the mouse cursor over the file on his screen and took a selfie of himself looking fearful in front of it. He sent it to Dean and Charlie with the message, Dare me.
Charlie replied back immediately, No, Cas. Don't do it. It is the very portal to hell.
Dean replied just after Charlie. I don't get it.
This lead to a lengthy discussion with just Dean about Lucy and Michael. Dean already knew a little, but he needed more of the recent details. They had ended that conversation by making arrangements for later in the week. Dean would borrow the truck and come on out to the country to help Cas move. He was practically ready to go right then and there, but he knew that his mom needed to be eased into it just a little more.
His phone buzzed again. This time though it wasn't Dean. Missouri had messaged him back. He had sent her a message late the night before concerning the dreams and a desire to meet up for coffee. He worried that she would not want to get together. After all it had been some time since their last conversation. He opened the message and felt a smile tugging at his lips. Of course I want to meet up. Meet me at Peets. She sent him an address too.
What time?
How about 11?
Perfect. Cas looked at the time, and although he had plenty to spare, he thought that he might be able to squeeze in a random, completely serendipitous meet up with a certain firefighter if he got going soon.
He messaged Dean. You doing anything later? I am meeting someone in the city today, but after the meeting I might have some spare time?
Dean replied back right away. Wish I could, but work.
Cas tried another tactic. You have to eat sometime.
Yeah, eating at the station. Really can't make it work, sorry.
:( Cas felt funny texting back the emoticon the moment that he did it, but sometimes that is all that one has to convey feelings that can't have words attached to them. He was unhappy, about the lack of a meet up, but equally so, he did not want to make Dean feel bad about it. He hoped that this conveyed disappointment without blame.
Ah, now I feel bad.
Sorry, :) It was an effort. Hopefully, it worked. I'll send you pictures of me eating all of Ash's awesome cooking then. Be envious Winchester.
Dean didn't reply right away. When he did it was just an emoticon. :P
It was slowly becoming obvious to Cas that his father was beginning to think of the Jaguar as more Cas' car than his own. Cas mentioned going into the city and Chuck immediately tossed him the keys. There wasn't even a question about it. He wondered if he could seal the deal on the car and just buy it off of him before he moved to the city. The late morning sun was shining on him with bright promise as he drove into the city. He decided not to show up too early, since Dean wasn't available. Luck was on his side in other ways though. There was a parking spot right in front of Peets. He smiled as he hopped out of the car and strolled into the packed place. Missouri was already there, tipping a warm mug to her lips. She saw him and waved him over.
"You look amazing." Cas leaned down and gave her a hug.
She hugged him back and said, "I was about to say the same thing about you. Where did that pasty boy go that was taking up space in my ward?"
"Haha, I wasn't that pasty. A day at the beach certainly did add some color though." He looked down at his arms which were much more golden than they had been the week before. "I'm gonna go put in an order and then I'll be right back." He took care of his coffee order and added a danish for good measure. He returned to the table and leaned back into his chair.
"So you have to tell me about these crazy dreams that you've been having." She rested her chin on her hands and stared out at him with absolute focus. She was wearing a lavender bandana over her head that somewhat contained the mass of deep brown hair that flowed out the back. She looked so much more relaxed this way than she had in the starchy hospital environment. Her white shirt was a billowy thing that reminded Cas of summer in clothing form. He wondered if it was unfair to share his dark dreams with this lovely summer woman.
"I'm not sure that I will sound at all sane sharing any of it. In fact, I am thinking that it would be better if we just visit without talk of creepy dreams and cold spots." Cas took a sip of his coffee.
"Oh, sweety. I think that you have me confused with someone else. I have total interest in this little story of yours. Now spill." She reached over and picked a small chunk of Cas' pastry and tossed it into her mouth.
"Well, okay then." Cas took another sip of the coffee then said, "So the dreams are becoming more vivid. I've seen Sam in his office. I've seen the fire. I've seen him on dates with his fiance. I mean, in the dreams, it is like I am living his life. The things I've seen seem real. I honestly don't know if I should be worried. They are not like my other dreams."
"Where did dream Sam work?"
"He seemed to be in an ultra modern skyrise. He worked on the 20th floor. He was somehow connected with finance or banking. He was maybe an accountant. His fiance worked on the floor above him."
"Where did real Sam work?"
Cas took a piece of the pastry and a sip of coffee before answering. "I don't know the exact location, but he had the same kind of job as dream Sam. It is possible that I am just dreaming these things because I have met the family and I feel guilty."
Missouri let his words sit there for a moment before she responded. "Maybe you should go see the real building. Then at least you would know if this was more than guilt." She sipped her coffee. "Also, you shouldn't feel guilty. I know that's sort of like saying don't be sad to someone that is sad, but really, you didn't know him, and you couldn't have prevented his death."
And he knew this. He really did, but like she said, it was impossible to turn off the feeling. "I'm not sure where the building is though."
"Well, that would be easy enough to find." She pulled out her phone and did a search. She turned the phone to him a moment later. "That looks like the address. What do you say to a little field trip?"
"I'm game." They finished off their pastry and carried their drinks out to the street. Missouri lead the way. Cas ambled along at her side.
"You said that you've been feeling cold spots at home too, like at the hospital?"
"Yes. They happen at night and while I type the story of the dream. Sometimes they happen when Dean is around." Missouri was a fast walker. He had to pick up his pace.
"Dean is Sam's brother?"
"Yes. Do you think that he is causing the cold?" Cas couldn't come right out and say it, but what he meant was do you think that Sam's spirit is there because Dean is there.
Missouri turned a corner and Cas fell into step a little better at her side. She stopped a moment and said, "I don't know. Some days I'm not sure I believe in this stuff. Other days it makes all the sense in the world. Today is a day in which I believe in ghosts, I guess. How 'bout if I just say that It seems plausible."
"Fair enough." They continued on their way. Several blocks later and they had come to the construction tape and chain link fence barrier that surrounded Sam's former office. Just past the fence was an added wooden barrier that shielded the area a little more, making it maybe less of an eyesore for passersby. He looked up though at the hulking mass of what remained of the building. It was clear that a fire had occurred, but the outside of the building was still rather in tact. He reached over to Missouri and gripped her arm. He felt the muscles in his legs give a little. His heart was beating rapidly in his chest. His breathing was more of a series of gasps.
"Cas, sweety. You are having a bit of a panic attack, I think." She rested her hand on his, which was still gripping her arm. "Look at me and let me be your anchor."
Cas turned his eyes from the building to her. He was still picturing it though, the window with the glass missing. He knew if he counted it up from the ground that it would be the 20th floor. He pushed that back though and stared at Missouri. Her face was serious, but welcoming. "I'm okay." He breathed out.
"Just keep breathing. Focus on that. Let's focus on other things too." She moved her hand out to his other arm and rubbed soothing circles there. "Did I tell you about the devil cat that I adopted the other day?"
"No."
"Well, let's just say that not all kittens are adorable little rays of sunshine. I haven't named the critter yet, but I am thinking that I might call her Beelzebub. My friend was trying to find homes for all of her cat's babies. They weren't exactly babies anymore. They were more like almost a year old. I took one look at little devil cat and agreed to the adoption. Even at a year old, she was pretty dang cute and still a little kittenish. She was great the first night. By night two, she had clawed up the edge of my couch and pissed in my sock drawer. Now that'll teach me for leaving the thing open, but really."
Cas was calm now. "You gonna keep her?"
"Well, now what kind of person would I be if I didn't. Responsibilities matter. You don't just cast them aside when they prove difficult." She was still rubbing his arm a little.
"I really am okay now. Thanks for this." He waved his hand out at his side.
"So, you think that you can tell me what happened?"
"The window was like it was in my dream, the building too. I've never been here. I couldn't have known what it would look like."
"Then I guess that maybe Sam is trying to tell you something." They walked away from the building, and Cas could not bring himself to look at it again. In his mind it was still burning. Sam was in there. They got back to Cas' car and Missouri leaned up against the door. "What if we do a little research into this? Say we look into the cause of the fire, the building itself, and all of that."
"To what end?"
"Maybe it's what Sam wants us to do. You said that you dream about him every night, and that every night you end up writing the dream out like a story. Sam must want you to do that. He wants you to see something. Who knows, maybe even he doesn't know yet what he is trying to show you. Maybe you are both figuring it out together."
Cas ran his hand up through his hair, messing it up immensely in the process. "Maybe." He looked at Missouri as he thought it through. "I don't know why he would think that I have any power of deduction in this. He'd be better off haunting someone else, someone like Dean maybe."
"Maybe it isn't about choice, Cas." Missouri looked at him and then tapped his chest with one long lavender painted fingernail. "Maybe it is about your heart. Maybe your heart is the only thing that can pick up on his message." She tipped her head back and laughed. "God, I sound ridiculous. You see, this is why I shouldn't believe in ghosts, and you shouldn't either. It makes us sound crazy."
Cas laughed a little too. "Too bad I already believe in them."
"Yeah, too bad for both of us. Tell you what, I'll look into the fire and such, and you do the same. We can meet up and compare notes later in the week."
Cas came off of his car and said, "It'll have to be next week. I'm moving into the city in a few days."
"Even better. I'll come over to your new place and critique your choices."
"Perfect. I'll make you lunch. It'll give me an excuse to entertain." He started to head for his side of the car, but Missouri stopped him. She wrapped him up in a hug that felt like a warm blanket, all affection and comfort.
"You call me if anything else comes up that bothers you. Promise not to judge." She let him go and he made his way to his door.
"I will. I'll likely just call once I am in the apartment, because I'll be too excited to just sit in there without company." He gave her a little wave. "Bye."
"Drive safely." She walked away from him, down the sidewalk. He headed off toward the other end of town. He figured it was roughly lunch time and he could maybe get a small burger and fries before heading home.
When he walked into the diner, he was shocked to see Dean hunched over a newspaper in one of the window booths. He walked over and leaned on the back of the bench seat facing him and said, "So, you found time for lunch, huh?"
"Yeah, well your little sad emoticon was motivating. Sit." He put the paper aside and pointed at the seat. Cas obeyed and Ellen came around with drinks, iced tea for Cas and a water for Dean.
"Dean ordered you a burger and fries. Was he right?" Ellen asked with a hand to his back.
"Yep. Looks like you know me well, Dean." He smiled over at Dean and got a grin back.
"Well, then you won't hardly have to wait then." She turned to Dean and added. "I should be able to get you out of here before the hour is up."
She walked away and Cas asked, "You get an hour?"
"Well, less. I got here about ten minutes ago. Called Ellen to see if you had come in yet about an hour ago." He was running his fingers through the condensation on the sides of his water glass.
Cas watched his fingers intently then let his gaze trail over his arms and up to his face. Dean was in his work clothes. Cas decided that he hadn't seen nearly enough of this outfit. The t-shirt had the stationhouse logo on it in white. The shirt was a deep navy blue, tight and Cas thought maybe a size too small. He had on his work pants that were held up with suspenders. Cas had not realized how much he liked suspenders before this moment. He felt his mouth opening and words formed. "You should be required to wear that outfit on the daily."
"Huh?" Dean tipped his head a little and one brow raised up with the question.
"Uh, shit." Cas realized that his thoughts had become words. Shit, those were out loud words. Why? Shit, shit, shit. What can I say that sounds exactly like that, but not like I am...I don't even know what I am doing. Yes, actually I do. Stare at the table. It is a fascinating table full of gold flecks like the ones in Dean's eyes. Shit, brain shut the hell up. Table, safe! Not Dean, table!
"You okay?" Cas looked up at him as he spoke the words. Dean bit his bottom lip, and Good God, stop doing that.
"I'm fine." Cas looked back at the table again.
"Sure you are." Cas looked back up at that. Dean looked away. Thankfully Ellen came back with the burgers. Cas ate like he was starving. He wasn't, but the act of eating gave his mouth something to do that wasn't part of an elaborate confession.
Dean was wolfing down his food too. Cas flicked on his phone to see how much more time Dean had left. Looked like fifteen minutes. "Mind if I walk you back to work." Damnit, that sounded like something you say to a date. Dean is not a date.
"You sure you don't have other important things to do, like reading Lucy's manuscript?" Dean popped a french fry into his mouth.
"Wow, not doing that until the last possible minute. I will likely put that off until well after my move. You should come over when I do inevitably read it. I'll share choice passages, and you can go out and get me liquor when I need it."
"It's really that bad?" Dean looked amused.
"So bad. I will likely need to be very drunk to get through it." He laughed.
"Then count me in. I'll make dinner and bring the finest whiskey I can obtain at the Gas-n-Sip." Dean reached over to snag french fries from Cas' plate since he had finished his own. Cas swatted his hand away.
"Mine." Dean still managed to get a couple.
"Well, if you are walking me back, we better get going." Dean stood up and tossed some bills on the table.
"You put that money away, Dean Winchester." Ellen called out from behind the counter. "You too, Cas." Cas was already throwing down money on the table too.
Dean turned Cas by grabbing his shoulder. "Make a break for it before she can make us take it back." They rushed out the door just as Ellen was making her way to them. They were out of the diner and down the street before she could get to them. "Good. She never takes a payment from me willingly. It's like she thinks I can't afford it or something."
"I'd guess that she is just not wanting to charge you 'cause you are family. It's a love thing." They slowed up now that they were far enough away from the diner and Ellen. Their steps were in sync, and Cas' arm brushed against Dean's with each step. "Thanks for meeting up with me. I'll have to remember the power of the sad emoticon where you are concerned." Cas looked over at Dean and smiled.
Dean smiled back and shoulder bumped Cas as they walked. Cas lost his step a little, but he fell back into Dean's shoulder with a reciprocal bump a few steps later. "It was nice to get out for a bit." Their knuckles brushed against each other lightly as they walked. Cas felt his stomach stir a little with each moment of contact. His heart kicked up the pace. He tried to focus on the sound of their footsteps and the scent of the not so distant lake that was blowing toward them from up the street. Dean's hand seemed to flare out a little at his side. Cas mirrored the movement, thinking that it felt like an invitation. It's not.
Now their fingers brushed a little with each step, the warm presence of Dean's fingers at his side the only thing that he could think about. He took a deep breath. Dean did the same. Cas let one of his fingers stretch out just a little. For several steps it rested on the back of Dean's hand. Then Dean quickened the pace so that he was ahead of him. He spun around and walked backwards. Facing him, yet keeping up the speed. "You want the tour of the station?" They got to the front of the building and Dean stopped walking. Cas came to a halt close to him.
"I would, but I need to get back. I have a little more packing to do and work that I put off to come here."
"Oh, another time then." Dean looked happy regardless. His face was warm. He leaned a little like he was maybe going to hug Cas goodbye. Instead he stiffened up and gave him a bro-slap on his shoulder. "See you in a few days with the truck."
Cas rubbed his shoulder and said, "Yeah. I'd be ready tonight if I thought that my mom would be okay with it."
"Well, I gotta give my dad more notice anyway. It's just three days. It'll fly by." Dean moved off to the door. "See ya, Cas."
"See ya, Dean." He watched as Dean slipped in past the door. "See ya," he repeated even though Dean couldn't possibly hear him.
The days passed, and Cas texted both Charlie and Dean each day. Dean's replies became shorter each day. He had asked him if everything was okay, but Dean had answered with, I have a lot to do at work if I am going to help you move. It had been his longest text. The shift in his mood was odd. Cas had felt pretty good about the way that things had gone the last time that they had met up. In fact, he had even found himself dreaming that night, and it wasn't about Sam this time. It was odd to suddenly find his mind diving down this path. He had met attractive people before, and he had managed to keep a respectable distance both mentally and physically.
Dean had managed to do something to him though. It was something in the way that he could smile, even when Cas knew that everything inside of him was crying. He missed Sam everyday in the most profound way possible, yet somehow he kept going. It was admirable. It was more than that too. Dean had also chosen to reach out to Cas. The way Cas viewed it, he was a sad sap of a guy that barely seemed to warrant a backwards glance, and then Dean shows up in his life and seems to give him no end of attention. He talks to him, makes time for him, treats him like he is the kind of person that matters. Outside of his family and Charlie, that hadn't happened.
He always chalked Charlie's attentions up to a bond forged through professional necessity. Yes, he knew that they were friends, but it was different than it had been with Dean. Dean seemed to gain nothing from their friendship. He was the giver, and Cas was the receiver. He couldn't even imagine what he could offer to Dean that would even their relationship out. He opted in the moment that this thought occurred to him to make every effort towards making Dean's life better. He would find a way to give something back, he just had to figure out what.
So, time passed like this. Cas contemplating as his family pretended that he wasn't actually moving. His father gave him little tasks. His mother tried to make plans with him for the following week. When Thursday morning finally rolled in, he was plenty ready to get this all done. He flipped his phone over when he woke up and saw that he already had a message from Dean. You ready yet?
I just woke up. When will you be here?
I'm killing time about a mile away. Tell me when to show up.
Now. I'll give you coffee and breakfast.
I need coffee. I'll be there in a few.
Cas was glad he had showered the night before. He dashed off to the bathroom to brush his teeth and run his hand through his hair. He got his moving clothes on, a pair of tan khakis paired with a black t-shirt. The pants felt loose enough to afford him the mobility that he would need to be helpful. The shirt was one of his looser shirts and rather comfortable. He could hear the truck crunching up the gravel driveway. He threw on his shoes and socks as fast as he could, then headed out the door. He leapt past the final three stairs and yanked open the front door just as Dean's fist was about to knock. "Well, hello yourself." Dean lowered his hand.
"Come in." Cas stepped back. "Coffee awaits." He directed Dean to the kitchen. His mother and father were already occupying space at the table. He pulled out a mug for Dean and set it next to the coffee pot. "Here ya go."
"Hello, Dean," Chuck said from behind his newspaper.
"Hello, sir," Dean replied.
"Eww. Not sure that title works for me. You mind calling me Chuck instead?"
"Sure, I can do that if you prefer it."
"I do."
"Come join us Dean." Becky pushed out the seat next to her and Dean took his coffee to sit down. "So, tell us what's new."
Dean seemed to contemplate his answer for a few moments. "Mostly just been working. I can't say that anything exciting has happened in my world lately."
Cas joined them and began doctoring up his coffee. "Well, you have been working a lot. Any exciting stuff happening at the station?"
"Not so much. There was a small fire in the suburbs the other day. Only minor damage, which is good. The shed was filled with old flammables. They were lucky that we got it under control before it spread."
"That's good." Cas scooped some eggs from the pan at the center of the table. His mom and dad made a hearty breakfast that morning.
"Oh, I also saved a cat from a tree yesterday. I thought that people only did that in the movies." Dean took a sip of his black coffee. He had added a spoonful of sugar. Cas filed away the information for later use.
Dean didn't eat, but he did keep the conversation flowing with Becky while Cas shoveled eggs into his mouth. He gulped down the coffee and then got up to take care of his dishes. Chuck got up then and pulled him into a hug. "Your mother and I are very happy for you. We just want you to know that." He pulled away from Cas then and handed him his keys.
"What's this?" Cas looked at them then back at his dad.
"You know what they are. We decided that you looked better behind the wheel of that thing than I do." Chuck reached up and cupped Cas' cheek for a moment. "Love you son."
"You don't have to do this. I was gonna offer to buy her." Cas looked down at the keys in his hand.
"Well, first off the car is a boy. Second, we really want you to have it. You have been a godsend for the company and, more importantly, for our family. Besides, if we don't let you have the car, then you might not have a reliable way to drive back to us. We want to make sure that you do just that."
Becky got up then and pulled him into a hug too. "Do you want us to help you move your stuff?"
"No, mom. Dean and I have this." He kissed her cheek and added, "I'll come for dinner next week."
"I'll hold you to that." She smiled at him and stepped back. "Well, you two better get started. Your dad and I will be in the office, out of your hair. Give us a holler if you need anything. With that they made their way out. Dean got up and put his mug in the sink.
"You ready?"
"Yeah. You okay?" He added as almost an afterthought.
"Mmmfine." Dean moved off toward Cas' bedroom. Cas followed.
"Really, Dean. Talk to me."
"I said I'm fine." Dean's voice sounded rough. When they got to his room, Cas reached out to Dean, grabbing his arm.
"You're not."
"Sam's birthday's tomorrow." Dean still wasn't facing him. "I thought that I could distract myself with your move. I think that It has only made things worse." Cas moved to face him.
"We don't have to do this today, Dean. We can do it next week even. I had no clue." Cas reached out to him and rested a hand on Dean's arm.
"No, I need to do this today. Besides, I'm already here." Dean moved away from him and seemed to survey the room. "You just want the boxed up stuff, right?"
"Yeah. I'm not taking the furniture. Gonna take the poster, though." He pointed at the poster that his father had gotten him. Dean nodded in approval. "You really sure?"
"Yes, Cas. Just, talk to me, okay." Dean looked like he was on the verge of tears. He had not realized how bad things had gotten. They hadn't been talking much the last couple of days after all.
"Talk to you?"
"Yeah, like tell me stuff. Distract me from thoughts of my brother dying right in front of me. Distract me from the fact that he is not celebrating a birthday tomorrow. Tell me literally anything." Dean picked up a heavy box and Cas picked up a lighter box. He followed him out the door and down the stairs to the truck.
"I am the least exciting person to ask for a story from. I mean, my days are spent texting and reading. Not sure why you keep spending time with me."
"You're fun."
"Ha, that's a first."
"What're you talking about?" Dean waited for Cas to open the front door.
"No one ever says, 'you know who's a fun guy, that Cas fellow.'" Cas held the door out and Dean passed. "Usually, I'm kinda the guy that just does mellow things. I'm good at holding down a pillow with my head. I can consume coffee like nobody's business. I am a third degree snarkmaster."
"How does one get to be a third degree snarkmaster?"
"Practice, young one." They made their way out to the truck and put the boxes in, then made their way back to the house. "So, we need to have a movie night, once I'm settled in. You me and Charlie are gonna watch something cheesy. You down?"
"I'll pencil you in." Dean picked up another box when he got into Cas' room and then grabbed a second one to stack on top of it. "I don't think that you needed a truck for this move. You have like, what, ten boxes? You could almost fit them all in the Jag."
"You aren't counting the furniture at Clausen's. Could you even imagine me trying to load any of that in the back of the Jag? It would be hilarious." Cas picked up a heavy box. It had his books in it. Dean watched him strain a little as he lifted it. He set down his boxes and took Cas' box from him.
"Go take the top box from my stack." Dean nodded.
Cas obeyed, and Dean walked over to the remaining box and set his new box on the top. He scooped both up together and carried them downstairs. Dean had strong arms that kept Cas' focus. He was starting to grow concerned with the amount of time that he now spent contemplating the various patches of skin that Dean revealed to the outside air. The arms were a favorite point of focus. They were broad and seemed to be powerful in a way that was also capable. He could imagine him at work hauling out the hoses, the ladders, or even just poised to do those things. He spent a lot of time imagining these things actually. It had been part of the reason that he had not been able to let himself tour the station the other day. Too much of a good thing, he had thought again.
They made the trek up and back a couple of additional times. They talked less, but Dean seemed to be okay with it. He was smiling at least. Cas started singing a little as they came down the stairs, something he had been listening to the other night while he got ready for bed. "Behind Blue Eyes" was a bit melancholy, but it had a way of sticking in one's head. They put the final boxes into the truck, and he was just finishing the final chorus. They wandered back into the house and to the kitchen. He opened the fridge and pulled out a bottled water, tossing it to Dean as he came to stand against the counter across from him. "You okay, Cas?"
"Yeah." He drummed at the counter behind him while Dean drank his water, his throat bobbing with each swallow.
"Sad song."
"What?"
"That song you were singing. It is a sad song." Dean walked over to the sink and opened the door beneath it where he found the recycling bin.
"Yeah, I guess it is. I was listening to it yesterday. My mom's been sad, which in turn makes me feel a little bad, I guess. Kinda feel like a bad guy for putting her through this. She just wanted to keep me for a little while."
Dean reached over and gave his shoulder a good natured squeeze. "She understands though, and you aren't a bad guy for wanting to have a life outside of your parent's home."
"I know." He pushed off of the counter and said, "Enough of this emo shit. Let's get going."
Dean grinned at him. "We have been a tad emo huh?"
"Well, not me. I'm a little ray of sunshine." Cas walked off ahead of him and added, "I'm just gonna go tell them goodbye. You might want to wait out at the truck so that you don't see just how emo that is." He turned back to Dean's grin and laughed a little. Dean wandered off to the truck and Cas took care of the final goodbyes out in the barn office.
The move had been smooth. They had unloaded the truck, driven to Clausen's, and returned with all of the furniture. Dean made it all seem so easy to move. By the end though, there was just the bedroom furniture to unload, and that had actually been a challenge. "You want to take the front end or the back?" Dean had asked. Cas had opted for the front, thinking that it would keep Dean from being stuck walking backwards while lifting the massive thing.
"I am regretting getting a bigger mattress now. I swear I don't need a queen sized mattress. I barely even entertain myself in bed." Cas shifted a little and got a better grip on the thing.
Dean started laughing. "That may have been a bit T.M.I., Cas."
"I'm serious. I don't need a big-ass mattress. This is fucking heavy."
"Stop your whining. You need a big-ass mattress. You are a grown ass man, and twin beds are for kids. They're like one step away from bunkbeds." Dean took his next step a little too fast and Cas lost his grip on the mattress a little. They got back to the apartment door and had to really maneuver to get the mattress in the space. It was the final piece though, so once it was laying on the floor, Cas threw himself down on it in a dead heap. Dean did the same right next to him.
"I'm going to sleep like the dead tonight." Cas muttered, face down into the mattress.
Dean said, "Fuck that. I'm gonna sleep like the dead right now. You were right. It was stupid heavy."
Cas laughed into the mattress and felt Dean shift next to him. He didn't look up though. He didn't want to do anything that would disturb this perfect moment. A few minutes later and he could hear Dean's breathing level out into something peaceful. He turned his head a little toward him and cracked open an eye. Dean was asleep, his lips parted a little. He watched him for a few moments, God, you are a beautiful person, Dean Winchester. He closed his eyes with that thought and drifted off into a dreamless sleep.
It had been awkward when they woke up many hours later, Dean's hand tangled up in Cas' hair. Cas had noted it before opening his eyes. Dean woke up and jerked his hand back like he had done something reprehensible with it. Cas opened his eyes when it happened and Dean just muttered some apology. He had made some excuse or another about needing to get home. Yeah, it was awkward. Despite that though, Cas lived in a repeating memory loop that started and stopped just a few moments before Dean realized where his hand was.
He didn't see him for the rest of the day. Charlie came over though and helped him set up his place. They put the bed together so that it was no longer just a mattress on the floor. They set up the bookcases that Dean had helped him pick out. Charlie found a prime location for "Cat that Waves." Late in the afternoon, she stood at his window and asked, "So, what are they doing down there?"
He walked up to her side and looked down. "Oh, must be the courtyard party that Dean was going on about." There was a worker up on a ladder positioning some little paper lanterns across the expanse of the courtyard.
"It looks nice. I think you picked a good place. It's funny how opposite it is from your brother's place." Michael's place was more than just an opposite. It was downright ridiculous. It was some sort of ultra modern penthouse, designed to impress. Most of his paycheck likely went to the mortgage on the place. Cas couldn't even imagine living there. This was cozy and right for him. He looked back at his dining room table and chairs with their mismatched colors and thought about how out of place something like that would be in Michael's place or even Lucy's.
In addition to the bookcases that he added to the purchase pile the other day, he had also added a small table for the record player that Dean had purchased for him. He and Charlie had selected several albums to listen to during the course of the day. "Thanks for helping me get it all together today."
"My pleasure. Surprised that Dean didn't come by today." She took a seat on his new couch and plucked up her beer from the coaster that Cas forced her to use.
"He's going through some stuff. Today's Sam's birthday. I texted him earlier, but he never replied. Thought about stopping by, but I didn't want to be invasive."
"Oh, that's gotta be tough."
"Yeah."
"Maybe he went home to be with his family. They probably made plans to go through it all together." She tipped back some beer, and Cas sat next to her.
"Maybe. I just can't shake the idea that he was planning to just spend it alone in his apartment. He's not one to share much when he is depressed, so I can't picture him going to his parents to have a big group cry."
"Well, you can only do so much. Sometimes we gotta let the people that we care about just make their way through the muck, be there on the other side when they need us to pull them up to the dry land."
"And that, my dear, is why you are a writer."
They finished off the beer, ate lunch, and even set up his electronics. Charlie was rather handy in that department. He was good enough at some things, but not once it got too technical. When the first quiet notes of a band floated up to them past the closed window, they knew that the evening had come and with it the courtyard party.
"Should we go mingle?" Charlie asked as they both got up to investigate by the window. The early night sky made the lanterns look like something out of a fairy tale. There were already groups forming up down below. There was the inviting scent of food and the muffled sound of many conversations happening simultaneously.
"Would it sound completely anti-social if I said no?"
She smiled at him and said, "I think that it would be perfectly fine."
"I just feel beat, and I don't want that to be the first impression that I provide to any of the new neighbors. Plus, I kinda thought that it would be more enjoyable going with both you and Dean." He reached down to the bottom of the window and pulled up at the frame. Just outside of his window was a little fire escape balcony. Charlie leaned past him.
"We could sit out there and listen to the band while we eat dinner."
"Sounds like a good compromise." He got their to-go containers from the kitchen and two new beers. Charlie was already out on the fire escape, legs hanging over the side. The sight made his stomach do a little flippy thing. He knew that she was perfectly safe, but the idea that she was so close to the edge was a bit upsetting to his nerves.
"Grab us a blanket for when it gets cold."
He handed her the food and beer and retrieved a blanket. He joined her and did his best not to think about her legs hanging over the edge. The band started kicking up the music. People started dancing. Cas pushed aside his fear of falling and settled in next to her, letting his legs hang over the edge too. They ate and drank in quiet camaraderie. It had always been this way with Charlie, comfortable even in silence.
There was a small group of women at the edge of the party. They were animated and their laughter chorused up to the balcony like it was part of the music that the band was making. Charlie seemed to notice them too. "They're having fun," Cas mused out loud.
"Yeah, Dean is entertaining," she replied.
"Huh?" He hadn't seen Dean.
Charlie pointed at him on the edge of the group. One of the women had extracted herself from the cluster to press herself to his side. Cas felt his muscles tense up a little. Dean looked like the exact opposite of one that was suffering from depression. He was all smiles and occasional bursts of loud laughter. "Poor thing," Charlie said.
He turned to her. "What do you mean? He looks like he's plenty happy."
"He's not. Look at his eyes when he thinks they aren't looking." He wasn't sure how she could see his eyes from this distance, but he made an effort to concentrate on that. Instead, he saw something else. His mouth curled down in something most would see as a smile. It wasn't one though. It was the smile that Dean would put on when he was feeling too serious. It was a cover. By the end of the night, Dean and the woman snaked their way out of the crowds, and Cas was left feeling a little worse than he had felt before. At least she'll distract him.