Chapter Three: Starman
"What?" Curt snapped, pushing the man away. Something just didn't sound right, that word didn't seem to relate anything sexy.
A soft chuckle came out of Brian's mouth. "Oh, I'm sorry. My mistake… Gullible? Yes, that's a word you might recognize."
Was he fucking teasing him?
Even if Curt was used to confronting situations like this one, he had never come up with some useful system not to get involved. He always got carried away, every damn time. Maybe it was Brian's manipulative skills, or the fact that Curt couldn't keep anything to himself. One way or another, it only took a few words to rile him up.
Not even trying to calm his temper, Curt tangled the fabric of the man's shirt in his fingers and slammed the tease-fuck against the wall.
Brian squeezed his eyes closed, letting a sharp moan of pain escape from his mouth- sending a shock of adrenaline through Curt's body. But then he quickly recovered, and was now staring at the blond- a hint of nervousness hiding in his gaze. Brian would never show it, but Curt could see straight through him and sense his own feelings in the other man's body.
"What will you do next?" asked the Brit, brushing his lips against his. "Hit me? Wouldn't that be innovative?"
In one abrupt move, Curt trapped Brian's wrists, earning a fleeting look of surprise in the Londoner's face.
Curt studied Brian's eyes for a minute. Those words… were nothing but a cry of desperation.. "Why do you want me to hurt you?"
The smallest hint of panic faded Brian's smile. Even if fear wasn't exactly the reaction he was looking for, it was something. "Don't be ridiculous."
"Is it easier that way? Having an excuse?"
Brian's eyes shifted to Curt, eyeing him warily."Let go of me," he finished flatly, trying to break Curt's grip.
The man chuckled. " Seriously?" he raised an eyebrow. "Come on, you're strong enough to push me away."
"No, I'm not."
What?
"And you're the one who's pushing."
"You need me to."
Brian's eyes shifted to Curt's. "No, I don't. I don't need you, I never did."
"Good," Curt replied.
Brian frowned slightly.
"It means you wanted me."
"Well…yes. Don't you see it? You are a wonderful distraction," Brian remarked with an evident look.
"Distraction?" Curt repeated in disgust, immediately releasing the man who was now approaching the blond against his will, his eyes glowing.
Brian sighed sharply. "Of course I wanted you," he responded, his previously weak voice now steady. "I still do, and I probably will too. But… that's all you've gotten from me," Brian continued, his eyes burning with success. "Or anyone for that matter," he smirked. "You're so… easy…" he added, reaching out to caress Curt's cheek.
The man rapidly slapped his hand away, feeling the dizziness taking over, his guts pushing their way out as though he was going through fucking withdrawal all over again. He needed to get the fuck out of there, now.
"Touch me and I'll I put a gun in your fucking mouth," he managed to say firmly.
Brian smirked knowingly. "Interesting choice…"
Had he really been that fucking stupid? Running back to someone who knew exactly what to say or do to make him feel miserable? What the hell had gotten into his mind?
Brian wasn't the same- he had gotten worse. There was nothing left, nothing that would make it worth it.
"You're miserable," Curt responded coldly while his eyes struggled not to water. "You're still fucking miserable," he went on, smiling bitterly. "How does it feel, Brian? How does it feel knowing that four fucking years passed by and you're nothing but a bigger monster?"
"Am I blushing?"
"You must be in so much pain."
Brian remained silent, his smile gradually cracking. His fingers slowly curled into a fist. "You have no idea how I feel."
"You're right. There's no pain anymore. There's nothing there- no light, no life!" Curt's ragged voice demanded. "Do you even know how you feel?"
He was empty, soulless. A walking misery. The Brian he had known, and loved…was now gone. It was better to fucking deal with it once and for all.
"Shut up," Brian's voice came out strangled, his body hanging on his hate to keep from collapsing to the floor and never getting up. He was right- Curt was right. Why pretend he wasn't? Why pretend there was any hope left? Every word felt like a cold sharp knife, stabbing him right in his weakness. He needed to get out of there, and the only thing his brain could figure was to climb up the stairs and into his bedroom.
"You're the one who's pathetic!" yelled Curt from the bottom floor, each footfall resounding on the steps before he walked in the room. "Who the fuck are you to tell me I'm worthless when you don't even exist?!" the blond continued, oblivious of the consequences. Fuck that, he was probably well aware and couldn't care less.
Frozen, unable to utter a word, Brian swallowed painfully.
"What's wrong, you fucking hypocrite? What? It hurts? Oh, wait. I forgot- you're fucking robot," the words kept coming.
Brian's gaze was locked on carpeted floor, all traces of laugh and pride were gone and replaced with burning tears he wouldn't let fall.
Humiliated.
There wasn't any other word that would describe him better. Curt had gotten to him once again...How could he allow this? It didn't matter if he was right, he still didn't have the right to throw it in Brian's face. Bloody fucking bastard. But even if every logical sense told him that anger was the comprehensible reaction, he felt something that he hadn't in many years... The feeling he feared the most... A deep, inescapable sadness.
"Brian?" the man heard Curt's voice turning softer.
But he never replied.
And even if Curt should have headed the fuck out of there, he wasn't about to give up that easily this time. No- if Brian had issues with him, he would have to say so. If he wanted him out, he would have to throw him out himself.
Or so Curt thought.
The following days were filled with gloom and indifference- they both refused to utter a word. Even Brian's little exchanges out of nothing but good manners were missing, and Curt knew that wasn't a good sign. However, this meant he wasn't planning on asking him to leave- although, well...maybe he was flat out showing him.
A whole week passed by... Nothing. Curt was already losing it.- He had so much to say, but sure as fuck wasn't going to talk to someone who didn't care to listen. Still... how long would this silent treatment last? The blond man wasn't exactly patient to say the least, and Brian was really giving him a hard time. They didn't even stay in the same room for longer than five minutes, and if they did, it felt even worse.
But even if Brian was an icy motherfucker- or at least acting like one- he wasn't completely oblivious -which would have been a good sign before, but now it was actually the worst part since he looked so...different. Bad different.
Sometimes Curt would glance over him just to discover a hidden look of...misery. Brian, however, would never even attempt to shift his eyes to Curt, not that he knew of, at least.
They would brush their shoulders together while climbing up the stairs and pretend no one was there, trying to delay the thunderstorm yet to come. Building the anger up in their minds, poisoning themselves with unspoken words and dry tears.
A few long days later, while Brian was making his usual cup of tea and stuff- Curt decided to speak up.
"You know..." He scratched the back of his head in nervousness as he stood up from the couch, facing the blue-haired man's back. "We didn't use to think about things this much..."
The man didn't turn around, but his hands stopped moving over the sink.
"Maybe that's why we had something so..."
Curt expected Brian to finish the sentence, but he didn't. So he tried again.
"Do you even remember?"
"Don't you get it?" Brian responded after a few minutes, his voice dry enough to show Curt he wasn't going along with this. "There's no 'we' anymore."
"I think I got that...given that this is the first time you're fucking talking to me."
The man sighed. "I have nothing to say.
"Bullshit."
But the fucker simply chuckled, which was seriously annoying.
"What the fuck are you laughing at?"
"I simply...find the fact that you think that you know me so well quite amusing."
Curt sighed, trying to keep himself calm. "Alright, if I don't know shit- tell me."
Brian simply laughed louder. "You really don't want me to." And with that, the Brit had finally turned around.
"Come on," he defied him. " Spit it out."
After taking a sip of his tea and propping his elbows on the counter calmly, the man complied."Alright." He was the one asking for it, so...if it hurt him it would be entirely Curt's fault, for Brian had been careful enough not to say a word- besides the fact that he didn't wantto.
"I cared for you," he said firmly, and Curt seemed to ice over. He was expecting almost anything but Brian showing him any kind of affection. " I really did. I actually trusted you."
"I know but-"
"No, you don't."
Clearly Curt had no clue how nearly impossible it was for Brian to even begin to think about trusting someone.
"Okay, maybe I don't know that but I know you still do."
"It's seriously impossible to talk to you. You don't listen."
"Yeah, I do. You don't trust me, that's okay. But you do care for me, otherwise why am I here?"
"I have no idea. You should be gone by now, should have run away when it got tough. Like you always do."
"Tough? Really? You think 'tough' is fair? I was fucking miserable, Brian."
Brian's shell cracked. "Well, so was I. And yet here I am, am I not?"
"Fuck, no. This is not what you were... I had no fucking idea what happened to him."
"You scared him away."
A mix of regret and surprise flashed on Curt's face, while his body made its way closer to the man in front of him. "Shit. Brian…"
He stepped back. "Back off."
"It wasn't fucking easy but –"
"I know, I don't care."
Curt's melancholic eyes looked up to Brian. "There was no choice, man. We were a fucking mess." A sad smile curled his lips. "We still are."
"What do you want, then? And what did you want?"
"Oh, shit. Are we back on that?"
"No, Curt. Listen to me- what made you go through all those dreadful situations? If you think I'm a psychopath with no feelings, why are you still here ? What do you want? Weren't you... miserable enough? Why do you still look for me? Am I some sort of sick obsession to you? Heroin wasn't killing you enough?"
Curt let his eyelids drop closed. "You know what? He said before his eyes would open again. "I think I need to... go out for a while."
Sure you do.
Brian turned away since the conversation had reached its end. "That's fine."
"I want you to come with me."
Brian frowned.
Seriously? Did Curt not know him at all? What was he trying to pull here? There was nothing the man could say or do that would even make Brian consider opening up again. It simply wasn't worth it Curt didn't seem to care for anything Brian had to say and yet he insisted on attempting to pull words out of him. It was pointless.
And this only reminded him of why he had let him go in the first place- because no matter how their relationship had ended up, or why, he had allowed that ending and there was a reason. Thousands of them, but now he was thinking about something specific- just how…selfish Curt was. And how he didn't care enough to make the effort to calm the hell down every time things upset him.
No, he would simply shout and curse him as long as Brian allowed him to and then act offended if Brian didn't stand for it. Of course, because he had nothing to do with anything. Ever. And how Brian dare question his reaction when Curt was definitely the reasonable one? Of course the only reason Brian ever opened his mouth was to piss Curt off. That was his only goal, for sure.
Hell, Curt didn't even know him enough to realize how bloody difficult it was for Brian to be around him again. Or he did, but he simply didn't care. All Curt truly cared was that Brian cared for him. If he still had feelings, that would work- obviously. Because Brian's thoughts and feelings aside from that one simply didn't count. They weren't as important, and who could ever dare think otherwise?
Not only Curt had gone away, he had… betrayed him.
No, it wasn't an overreaction. Brian had carefully analyzed the facts before coming to such conclusion.
Curt had convinced and showed Brian that he was trustworthy. And that Brian didn't need to pretend or hide anything from him. He didn't need the make up or the glittering costumes, he didn't need those fancy ass words – as Curtcalled them- or any money. He could finallyrelax. Let his guard down. For Curt had been the only person he didn't fear of.
For a while, Brian felt as though he could really be himself, for the first time since he had been a child. Curt would never… hurt him. He'd attempt to, of course- that was his nature. But he never got to actually do it, since it was nothing but a raw impulse he couldn't hold back. Plus, those were never sincere words. They were nothing but a bluff, and Brian could easily spot it.
He actually liked it somehow- it reminded him just how… genuine Curt was.
But then… he had not only taken this persona away from him, but once had had gotten enough information, he had held his most inner thoughts and vulnerabilities against him. Even if he had promised he wouldn't. Curt had sworn to Brian he would never use Brian's weaknesses in order to hurt him. Well, he lied. And not only to hurt him. To leave him. He had actually taken Brian's scars and turned them into a reason to walk away.
Perhaps he had been wrong about Curt all along. Maybe he had never been… fantastic or even good. Maybe Brian had been so desperate to find someone that he had built him up and Curt was nothing like he had imagined.
It made perfect sense, actually- Brian had built an entire new personality, was it beyond the realm of possibility that he had idealized Curt to be what he needed? And then maybe Curt didn't know him at all… Maybe all Curt had ever been was a manic depressive, drug-addicted rock star. Just like all the rest of them. Nothing special.
Well…if what Brian was thinking was true, then the always predictable man he knew and didn't love anymore would simply burst out once he told him.
"I won't. And… with all honesty- I don't want you to come back."
"What?"
There he was again. Yes, nothing but a delusion.
"I just… I can't fucking-"
The words flew from Curt's lips but Brian couldn't hear anything. His mind scolded him for not realizing this long ago- he could have saved himself from so many troubles… But then, somewhere between the endless insults and the frantic body language, Curt stopped talking.
Brian took a moment from his mental deductions to look at Curt, who was staring at the floor- silently.
Well…?
"I get it," the blond muttered softly, looking up. There was no trace of anger or any irony in his eyes. He actually looked quite… honest. "Sure, I should have known."
Brian's eyes widened slightly in surprise. The more he studied Curt, the harder it became to recognize him. He looked so… calm. Not even sad, but simply steady.
Who was this man?
Curt sighed as a sweet smile arched his lips. Wait, what? "I went too far, huh?"
Yes, as a matter of fact you did. Again.
"That's okay. I… understand."
"Alright," replied Brian, trying his best to conceal the 'what on Earth is going on?' in his voice and disguise as a safer 'glad you agree' tone. Questioning tones led to demands for answers, which led to Curt not leaving.
Curt's feet moved two inches closer to Brian and just when the man's body tightened, the blond stepped back.
With an…unreadable look on his face- which was exasperating- Curt's eyes stared at the British man's for the longest minute Brian had ever experienced.
And then, leaving no traces of guilt or resentment- Curt Wild was once again gone. And as hard and flat-out incoherent as it may sound, Brian felt once again as he had made a dreadful mistake.
And, as it turned out, he had.
For over an entire month, Brian's usual activities and efforts to repair some of the harm of his economic situation had been constantly interrupted by the nagging idea of a completely different scenario where Curt hadn't been thrown out of the house.
Being apart from him, Brian had had the time and space to put himself through some serious reflection and while he wasn't entirely sure he had been wrong about forcing Curt to leave, the truth was that he as well was mindful of the fact that it didn't feel like the right decision.
Which didn't make sense, and that was exactly what disturbed Brian. Curt had broken into his house to force him into some sort of reconciliation and he didn't even have the courage to say so. On top of that, he had confused Brian once again, using some of his manipulative skills to make him think Brian also wanted to reconsider their situation- which he didn't.
Well, that wasn't quite fair. Brian knew he still felt something regarding Curt, or he would never allow him into his house. Actually, that wasn't fair either- he had...strong feelings for him- which he didn't appreciate at all- but truth was truth. And the moment Brian began lying to himself, his demons would take over once again. That's something Brian had learned recently- he would have to catch himself right in the act of lying or confusing his own mind. It was as though a dark enchanting presence wandered around, waiting for Brian to let his guard down.
And once he had acknowledged so, Brian remembered the last time he had seen Curt in such different way.
The blond had been unusually understanding, and hadn't attempted to give it another try. No, he had perceived Brian's feelings and found out there was no room for another chance. Unless he left.
In addition, Curt hadn't called. Not even once since he had crossed the door, which was also atypical. But then it showed him just how respectful he was being.
And as much as Brian hated it, every day that passed by was only increasing his anxiety.
Actually, removing the dark shadows that often clouded Brian's righteous thoughts- and finally being honest with himself- Brian missed Curt. And he… yes, he needed to talk to him.
Contacting him wouldn't be an issue. He knew plenty of people who had Curt's number- Jack, among many others from the industry. Which was fortunate, since Brian had been wanting to meet with him from the moment Curt told him the man could provide a fairly good chance to save his belongings.
He still had the option to call Jerry, but that didn't seem quite likely. He didn't want to see him again and he doubted Jerry would collaborate in any way after their little chat. As Brian rifled through the possibilities, Mandy came to mind- but that wasn't really a choice. He hadn't spoken to her in years, and calling her to ask for the phone number of the man for whom he had left her seemed so...inappropriate.
He still didn't know what would he call Curt for. He certainly didn't want to give Curt- or himself- false hopes. Also, he didn't know how would Curt react.
However, Brian knew Curt enough to know that the fact that he had given up on them didn't really mean he was over Brian. If he was wrong about that, it was simple to clarify. He only needed to know if Curt was still in town, and whether or not it was purely business or for personal reasons.
That answer was probably one Jack could grant him, which meant this man was the best alternative.
As Brian walked into the old familiar building, he couldn't help but fill his mind with endless memories- both bad and good- of those golden times he had left behind. Maybe performing some gigs for a year or two didn't sound like such a dreadful idea after all.
"Brian? Come in," a soft voice responded after Brian had knocked on the metallic door three times. A tall, elegant figure moved towards the visitor as he entered the dressing room. "Brian, darling. You don't age- do you?"
Brian smiled carefully. He vaguely remembered Jack- he knew he had run into him at some point when he was young, but he didn't really recall the details.
Nevertheless, he knew how brilliant the man was, and the influence he represented in the music industry and in London itself.
But, personally speaking- he knew Jack more because of how Curt had mentioned him on numerous occasions than for anything else.
"Nice to see you again," Brian replied as he shook hands with him. "It's been some time."
The red-haired man lit a long thin cigarette and made his way back to the chesterfield. "Please, have a seat."
Brian nodded, resting his body next to Jack.
"May I help you?" the refined man inquired.
"As a matter of fact, you can. Curt mentioned-"
"My offer, isn't it?" Jack interrupted.
"Precisely, I've been taking it into consideration and I think it might be a good opportunity for both of us."
"That was my intention, yes. But I sense there's something else that dragged you here."
"Do you?" Brian asked condescendingly at what Jack was trying to pass as remarkable assumptions.
"Yes. It's only evident. You've known about my proposal for some time now, but you never or attempted to reach me, until today… What is it that has changed?"
Brian felt slightly uncomfortable with Jack's accurate words. "You're one perceptive man, I must say." Clearly, you have got me all figured out, don't you? You should be proud.
Jack smiled faintly, letting the burned cigarette fall into the ashtray. "I also know we don't have the bond that's necessary for you to explain your reasons, which is why I'm not going to ask for them. Go ahead, tell me whatever is that you came here for."
Brian bit down his lip, he didn't really appreciate Jack's pointless bragging but he needed to keep himself nonchalant enough to find out what he needed. "I thought you might know where to contact Curt Wild."
Jack chuckled. "Is the last name really necessary, love?"
Brian was confused. He remembered his relationship with Curt had been extremely public. Still, it wasn't enough reason for the tone of Jack's voice- as though he resented Brian for something- which was ridiculous. He barely knew this man.
"Do you?" Brian carefully pressed, forcing himself to remain pleasant. His manners were the only reason why he hadn't offended Jack.
Jack stood up. "Of course- he's my star."
Something told Brian that even if that phrase was actually true- Curt was the most profitable artist he represented- there was a different connotation. Maybe… fondness?
"Is he still in London?" Brian finally remembered to ask.
Jack moved towards a small table and opened a wooden box, taking a little piece of paper and handing it to Brian. "I haven't heard from him since his last performance, but if he is, here's where he might be staying."
"I appreciate it."
"Although I don't know why," the man went on, his voice becoming completely interrogating. "Why should I?"
Brian wasn't about to tell him his current situation with Curt, especially not to this man who was a question mark he didn't care to resolve.
"All I'm going to ask you is to be careful- he's not in a good place at the moment."
"Who are you to dare giving me such advice?" said Brian with a steady look and a furrowed brow.
"Someone who cares for him, as opposed to yourself."
Brian's features relaxed. "Oh," he exclaimed. Evidently, Jack had strong feelings for Curt but as far as Brian knew, Jack knew nothing about the blond. "I take it that's enough reason to withdraw your offer?"
"Brian, above all circumstances- I'm a professional," finished Jack while extending his hand with his personal card in it.
And I'm still a good asset, am I not? That's exactly what Brian needed right now, another businessman. Well, he actually did- he was bankrupt.
"Glad we agree," Brian concealed. As much as he hated the idea of depending on someone, reality gave him some irrefutable good points. "I will give you a call."
But Jack's call wasn't the important matter. Brian had another call in mind, and he still hadn't figured out an excuse. Although an excuse didn't seem right, if he started it all based on a lie, things would definitely go the wrong way again.
Certainly he wouldn't call to tell Curt he missed him- that was childish. But he could call to ask how was he, since he was worried for real about that. Even more since he had heard Jack's words:
'He's not in a good place at the moment'.
The fact that Curt felt like he couldn't count on Brian made him feel rather guilty. It was the message he had given him, really. Curt had no reasons to believe Brian was still there for him in any way. But he apparently had reasons to think so regarding Jack.
This didn't make Brian feel jealous as much as remorseful. He should have told Curt he could still count on him, no matter the circumstances. The truth was Brian didn't care helping him, he actually wanted to. The fact that their relationship was rather broken didn't mean he had lost his friend. And Brian had completely forgotten to make that point.
Curt hadn't, now that he thought about it. As soon as he had become aware of Brian's money troubles, he had offered help and actually turned it into a real solution. Curt was still there for him, no matter what.
Brian knew he had to make that call.
As he dialed the number written on the carefully clipped piece of paper, Brian hated how vulnerable he felt. It wasn't such a big deal, and yet he felt so jittery…
The first two rings made Brian reconsider the very idea, but then the lack of a third warned him it was already too late.
"Yeah?"
There was something Brian hadn't had in mind- how difficult it would be to hear Curt's voice again and keep a nonchant tone himself.
"Yeah?" An impatient tone followed.
Brian also hadn't predicted that the words would catch in his throat, leaving the line in silence. It was alright, he hadn't spoken yet, so he could just as easily hang-
"...Brian?" a cautious voice muttered.
How?
"Are you busy?" the man began, trying not to feel entirely pathetic.
"Not really…"
"Can we talk, then?"
Silence.
"Where?"
The fact that Curt knew Brian wouldn't discuss anything over the phone was oddly comforting.
"Do you mind giving me your address?"
It began to feel impossible to have a rational adult conversation in Brian's house.
"30 Bury Street."
"When should I…"
"Uh...I'm home right now."
"For how long?"
He definitely didn't want Curt to storm out after they've finished talking- this wasn't a conversation they could rush.
"Noon tomorrow."
"Alright. I'll be there in...half an hour, more or less."
"Okay, but- Brian?"
"Yes?"
Fuck. "Nevermind."
"...Alright."
And with that, their struggling conversation was over.
As the lift arrived at Curt's floor, Brian realized he was renting an apartment in the city. He didn't know if the man had lied to him when he first showed up, or if he had begun renting it after he had left the house. That last alternative didn't quite make sense, since Curt had told him he was in London to perform and he knew from Jack that he wasn't anymore. Then why was he still in town? Waiting around for Brian definitely wasn't enough, was it? He hoped not.
Brian knocked the door three times and waited for about twenty seconds before Curt opened the door with a soft smile. "Hey," the magnificent blond greeted him. If anything, Curt never lost his charm or his undeniable pleasant appearance.
He was now wearing a short-sleeved black t-shirt and a pair of worn jeans and they fit him...nicely. His almost dried hair was tied back with a band. To complete the picture, an almost consumed cigarette dancing on those thin lips.
"I take you live here now," Brian responded, mirroring the smile. He had thought meeting Curt would end up being a mess of confronted feelings, but it was turning out to feel quite...nice.
"Long story, come in. I'm making coffee but I can sell my principles and make you a cup of your tea stuff."
Brian's smile widened. Curt hated tea- he thought it tasted like 'watery ass'. Brian couldn't recall how many times he had scolded him about it.
"I doubt it, but it does sound nice," he replied, letting himself in. The place was quite big and just so...well, Curt. The big black couch and the gigantic telly, the strange pictures hanging on the walls and that distinct smell of black coffee and smoke. Opened bags of chips on the coffee table next to an overflowing ashtray.
Curt looked at Brian for a few seconds and then turned away, heading for the kitchen. "Be right back," he muttered from the hallway.
A few minutes later, the blond handed him a steaming cup of tea and sat right in front of him on a black armchair while holding his own cup of coffee. Cigarette still in his left hand- typical.
Brian took a quick sip of his tea and- "Oh, Lord. What did you give me?"
"Tea, asshole," replied Curt, amused.
"You do know tea water isn't supposed to boil, don't you?" Brian teased him about his lousy skills as a host.
Curt smiled again. "If you don't drink it, I swear to God-"
"I suppose I can sell my principles for a while too," Brian interrupted, taking a sip of his flavored hot water. "No, sorry. Can't do," he finished, leaving the cup on the table. It tasted like burnt misery.
Curt chuckled as he took a deep drag from his new cigarette. "You're unbelievable."
"Thank you."
"Okay, so… what's going on?" the blond inquired calmly.
"Nothing specific." Untrue. "I guess you could say I'm worried about you." Half true.
"Worried?" Curt asked sipping his coffee, Brian could only see his water-coloured eyes above the cup. "Why's that?"
"Well, Jack mentioned-"
"Oh, shit. What did that bitch tell you?"
"Alright...Didn't know you felt this way about him," said Brian with a cheerful tone he couldn't disguise.
"Oh no, don't get me wrong. Love the man, but I told him not to say a fucking word about it."
"Well, he didn't. He simply said you weren't in a good place right now. I'd like to know why."
Curt's eyes stared at Brian and then at the dark liquid for a full minute. "I don't really wanna talk about it and there's no point, anyway."
"Since when do you not want to talk?" Brian pointed out.
Curt grinned softly, heading for the pack of cigarettes on the coffee table. "I'm fine."
Brian nodded thoughtfully. It seemed strange for him to find Curt even-minded but he didn't feel uncomfortable with it. Although he did know the man was quite reserved when it came down to his own private life.
"So… How're you doing?" Curt asked lighting up his third cigarette.
It was small, but Brian knew Curt so well enough he could judge his emotional state just by watching him smoke.
It told him almost everything he wanted to know. If Curt was anxious or irritated he would rapidly light the cigarette, shove it into his mouth, and take a deep drag to calm his nerves. Sometimes he did it so quickly the thin object would fall from his hands.
If instead he was hesitant or thoughtful, it would take him a full minute to put the cigarette in his mouth- he would stare at the fire as he lit it up as if the answer he was looking for was in that small flame. Then he would close his eyes and take a short, soft drag- for he was eager to talk. But, if the man was sad...he would smoke it in less than a second, as though the nicotine could fill him up with some sort of powerful anesthesia. Or maybe it was a simple sense of self-destruction at the moment.
And finally, if the man was experiencing any sense of lust- he would light it up quickly and suck on the nicotine for dear life, funneling the raw impulsive energy in his lips, frantically blowing the smoke out not to gasp.
But when the man was feeling nothing like that, and instead he was relaxed- he wouldn't do any of those things. It was much more automatic, as it is for someone to breathe.
Exactly what Curt was doing right now. And far from irritating Brian, the man was actually sort of...enchanted by this rare behaviour. Curt used to be carefree and loose but that had been a long time ago, he almost had forgotten how he adored that shade of him.
"Brian?" Curt snapped the man back to the present. "You okay?"
"Very much," he responded, looking at Curt straight in the eye for a few seconds.
Curt lifted from the chair, completely oblivious. "Okay, good. Want a beer?"
"Sure," replied the British man, biting down on his lip- feeling oddly excited by Curt's lack of response.
Maybe it was the fact that he hadn't seen the man in over a month and all the thinking Brian had been through had allowed him to feel this way, maybe it was that Curt looked so carefreethat he wouldn't feel guilty or trapped if anything twisted the curse of events.
Or, it simply was the fact that the man was still incredibly beautiful and Brian could finally sense that fuck-it attitude, the one that he had found so irresistible in the first place.
Long story short, this Curt was much more similar to the one he had met in the beginning, and it was striking Brian in the same way it had long ago.
"I don't have the one you like but this one you don't hate," called Curt from the kitchen, heading for the living room.
"That's fine," Brian replied, taking the glass bottle. "What is that long story about?" he asked before he took a drink.
"What-? Oh, about the house, you mean?" Curt asked as he headed for his seat.
"Why don't you just sit over here?" Brian suggested nonchalantly.
"Oh, okay," Curt said as he sat next to Brian but with a good space in between them. "I still have some things that I need to take care of," Curt resumed the chat. "But we can talk about it later. Now there's something I need to know."
"And what is that?" Brian asked, moving slightly closer.
"Well, Brian- you gotta help me out here. "How is everything suddenly just...unfucked?"
The man laughed softly. "Well, I could ask you the same thing. But that's even longer than your house's story- am I right?"
Curt nodded. "I guess," he confirmed, taking a long sip from his beer.
"So… Jack told me you finished your shows, how's that working?" Brian began a new topic, which was nothing but an excuse to come even closer. Curt was purely physical, if it was something he man couldn't disguise was how his body reacted- it didn't lie.
"Oh, great. I'm kinda on holidays right now, my next gig is in a few months but Jack is trying to set us down there since it is where he lives."
"Of course." Brian nodded, sliding his body right next to Curt's. His blood thumping in his ears.
"So, I think that's fine. I mean, I don't really care where I live as long as I-" the man stopped, noticing Brian's body inches away from him. What.
"As long as you…?" Brian murmured smoothly, extending his fingers to move Curt's hair away from his face, his knuckles brushing the blond's ear as he arranged the strands behind it- a soft blow kissing the skin.
Curt tried to fight it back, but who the fuck was he kidding? He was hopeless to Brian. Hopeless to that dripping seduction, hopeless to the wet snake barely making its way between the Glam rocker's plump motherfucking lips. The fire was lit behind the cool blue of his eyes as he remained still, shivering in anticipation and hints of lingering fear. This was…still Brian. Still Demon, actually. Still the man that had hurt him and walked over his broken bones, if he was feeling dramatic. The guy with no sense of sympathy, but…those lips were now brushing his neck, inviting him. Fuck, they spoke a completely different language.
Maybe Curt and Brian weren't that…different after all. Maybe they were both cowards that spoke with their bodies and stumbled with words, some simply more refined than others. Maybe they were still…lost souls, meant to be together like cheesy love ballads, fighting their way out of their bodies to turn into space dust and explode once again- become one single starman. Create something new. Smash the world.
Maybe they were fucking destiny.
Or maybe Curt was being stupid again.
So…yeah, the blond remained still. In panic, in lust. In fucking love? It both scared him and thrilled him to his toes. Brian was right, he did want something else, he had seen it right from the start- hadn't he? Maybe he fucking wanted everything. Maybe he hadn't forgotten the first years. The first kisses, the first fucks. Maybe he still cared. Maybe…he could forgive him.
Before the blond could realize how dumb, how fucking innocent, naive, Brian would say, all these book-like thoughts were, his body had spoken away. He didn't even control the firm hands that abruptly took Brian's doll face- desperately grabbing a taste of that goddamn poisonous fruit.
"This is it?" Curt gasped for breath, pushing Brian down on the leather couch and smashing their mouths together in a low growl, grasping a handful of blue locks and shivering at the moan he got of response. "You're not fucking playing me, are ya?" the fear spoke even as the blond's hands tore apart Brian's fancy shirt. Fucking queen. He found his tongue lapping at Brian's chest like the starving dog this false god turned him into. "Brian."
Brian was lost for words, all he could do was shake his head. All he could do was writhe under Curt's smoldering, piercing eyes. What was it in those broken pieces of shimmering glass that reduced him to stammering, silent pleas?
"No," Curt growled, pressing their foreheads together as their heaving chests. "Say this is not bullshit, man." The desire, it was killing him. Eating his loins like burning acid, but he needed to know. He couldn't risk this again. He was fine now. Sure, he wasn't happy, but he wasn't surviving anymore. He wasn't living a goddamn fiction. And he didn't itend to.
Brian let his fingers run through the precious blond's hair, staring back at the creature with baithed breath. "I don't know," was the most honest answer he cound pant out, swallowing hard. His eyes shutting to hide himself from oncoming reality.
"Yeah, you do," Curt argued, pressing his lips to Brian's in a painful, begging kiss. Fuck. So soft. "You came back because you give a fuck, because you don't? Talk to me," the blond demanded, not for that stopping himself from diving into Brian's plush mouth with all the force of his muscles. "Come on, it's me."
It was. Brian knew. He had to try. He had to clean off the make up. "I…" The British man's words were interrupted by a sharp moan at Curt's digging teeth in his neck. His heart dangerously close to burst from his chest. "I still…" Love you. Christ, it felt good right.
Curt nodded frantically, tearing the rest of Brian's shirt away and fumbling with that silver belt. He looked down. His silver belt. Memories of childish battles drowning his brain. "Please fucking say it," he growled, grasping the man's chin- his eyes locking, quickly searching into Brian's for an answer. "You didn't forget," he put desperate words in the man's mouth."You are not fucking gone?"
"You pity me," Brian snapped, but his voice cracked, his hands gripped Curt's face and his slender spine arched up for a violent kiss, a kiss with enough intensity to funnel the aching want to both let this man take him right here like an animal and break his bloody, perfect jaw.
Curt breathed heavily. "I'm-"
"Don't-" He didn't want excuses.
"I'm so fucking sorry," Curt cut through, taken Brian by surprise. His body froze. The fire, liquid, still intact.
"You are?" Brian's voice sounded incredulous to his very own ears.
"You have no fucking idea," the blond insisted, pressing their hips together with a sharp gasp in need to feel him closer.
Brian stared up at Curt's honest gaze, watering. The calm sea in those eyes now a turmoil. "I was scared," the man's shell broke.
Curt nodded quickly. "I know, baby, I-"
Brian felt every inch of his body shivering in memories of being called such way, his fingers curling tightly in Curt's half-tied hair. Thin locks framing his face. "You deserve so much better."
"Shut the fuck up," Curt hissed, pressing their foreheads together so hard it hurt. It needed to. "Don't fucking let it, alright? I'm here, you're here, don't bring that shit back."
Brian swallowed, nodding, trembling. "It's too late, Curt, I-" He was dead inside. There was nothing left to give. It wasn't fair.
"No it's not," Curt insisted, flashing the man a quick, reassuring grin before devouring Brian's neck with an overwhelmed growl. "You're still here, I can tell."
"How?" Brian moaned, clawing down Curt's back and holding from his shoulders for dear life, eliciting another exquisite groan from the creature that broke through the man's barriers like waves broke through the shore.
Curt shot back up, a raw smile soothing the fresh pleasure on his sweaty face. "I'll show ya."
Author's Note: It's been forever, I know, but if any of you are still out there, stick with me- something's coming.