"This love for you engorges
my heart that pounds so hard
How can I control these emotions?
when they tear down my every guard?"

Chapter 10

After the awkward bathroom incident, I immediately realize I should not have been this vulnerable in front her, especially when I know nothing is going to happen. Maybe meeting with Arizona again would give me the closure; I need to get over her. From little distance I notice Arizona is talking with another girl. I let her enjoy in her own way and I start mingling in the social to get to know other people.

After Dinner Arizona comes to me and sits beside me. She doesn't say anything and neither do I. After sometime, I notice that she has broken all the toothpicks on the table and it seems albeit unconsciously.

"Are you okay?"

"Ha? Yeah, I'm fine." That means she is not okay. Whenever she says fine that means she is not okay. Then I see she is stamping on her knees. I start laughing looking at her. She has not changed that much over the time. Of course, now she manages to talk and mingle, but those typical nervous behaviors are still there.

"Can I drop you home?" Suddenly she asks.

"What?" Oh, this is the thing for what she has been acting so weird. "I'm okay. I'll find somebody else." I try to avoid.

"Okay." She quickly gets up making me little upset. She should have asked me for one more time. However, I know her. She is she- even if she wants, she would not be able to ask me for one more time.

"Okay, drop me home." I too get up with her.

"So, not planning to find out somebody else?" She teases me. I see that my decision to go with her has made her happy. Her eyes are twinkling.

"Nah! I remember, you are at my service today." I tease her back while walking after her.

"Eh! This is the last time you are getting this service."

I stop suddenly. She has told me exactly the same thing back in Canada while messaging my head.

"What?" Arizona asks finding me stop walking abruptly.

"Nothing. Let's go." I shake my head.

While riding the car, the wind starts blowing hard. It seems that it's going to rain tonight. I always love raining and I know she does too. I lean tiredly on the seat concentrating on watching the preparation of a rainy night.

This seems surreal to me. Arizona is driving tearing the dark night while it is about to rain. There are few rain drops while the wind is blowing so hard. I look at her. How am I going to survive not having her in my life? I know, I will not find anybody else whom I can love the way I love this girl.

"Do you still hate thunderstorm?" I ask her.

"yeah!" Arizona laughs softly. Wind is making her messy hair messier. I never have known that somebody can look so adorable with this messy hair. I don't think she ever combs them. I wish, I could touch them once more. Her hair is the first thing which I liked. They are so soft, so gorgeous and so messy to trap me in them for forever.

"Dr. Torres?" When I open my eyes, I see Arizona is leaning on me. Oh! I have fallen asleep in the car.

"hmm?"

She leans more on me. "You are home."

I feel like, I'm still sleeping. I tug her loose hair behind her ear. "I know, I'm home." Then she leans up. I slowly get down from the car. Without saying anything, I start walking towards my university apartment. Once I reach to my apartment door, I hear she starts her car. I feel like I'm really at home, for the first time in years.

Next morning, as soon as I enter the class, I find that Arizona has set up the class.

"Hey, ready for the class?" She asks.

"You?" I ask her back while setting my laptop. I don't know what else to say.

While teaching the class, I notice the girl who was talking to Arizona last night is also in my class and she is making constant eye contact with Arizona, which is distracting me. Once the class is over, that girl quickly runs towards Arizona and says something on her ear. I see how big Arizona smiles.

"Hey, you are really a good lecturer." The girl comes to talk to me. Arizona is standing beside her.

"Thank you. May I know your name?"

"Neesha." Then she suddenly laces her hands with Arizona's right in front of me.

"Okay! Nice meeting you." I start walking out of the classroom.

This is going to be so annoying now. If Neesha is her girlfriend, I don't think I'm ready to handle that. I try to remember what she told me last night. But, she behaved like this years back also, which meant nothing to her. So, maybe I just should let all these go.

"We have not talked about the class yet, Dr. Torres?" Arizona asks me entering into the room.

"Have a look at the course outline and set up the emails with the students. Ask me if you have any questions?" I just reply her dryly.

"I mean, what are your expectations from me?"

"I have no expectations from you" I blurt out little loud and instantly realize this is not the answer of her question. I'm doing something else.

"I'm talking about the course." Arizona slowly states.

"Just help me communicating with the students who do not know French. That's it!" I stare at her.

Arizona lowers down her eyes. "Okay, see you tomorrow morning, then." But she turns back from the door and says, "Can I ask you something?"

The tone she has in her voice is enough to break me down. I still try to walk tall, "yes."

"Do you hate me?"

Do I hate her? I literally spent four years of my life loving her, thinking about her, wishing to meet her just once to let her know how much I am incomplete within her. Now she asks me this question. What should I tell her? Should I tell her that I wish I could hate you? My life would be so easier if I could hate Arizona. Of course, I'm mad at her, but there is no way that I hate her- not at least in this life time.

Maybe, I have been silent for a while searching for an answer. She nods and leaves my room. Soon after she leaves I start running after her because I just want to tell her that I don't hate her, never.

After walking for two minutes, I see Arizona talking with Neesha. Before I take the turn towards her, I hear, Neesha telling her, "you know that I love you, right?" I stop right then and there. "You can tell me why you are upset."

I don't want to listen anything else. I just take a step back and bang on something behind of me. Arizona immediately turns and sees me. It takes ages to come back to my room. I even don't know how I have managed coming back to my room on my own. I can feel how heavy my feet are.

Before I sit, Arizona enters after me.

"This is…"

"I'm sorry. I had no intention to overhear anything." I cut her in backing her and pretending to find something on the table.

"Neesha…I mean…she is my…"

"I get this, Ms. Robbins. You don't have to explain. " Now I turn. Even though I know I have no right to be angry on her, I cannot control my temper anymore. I feel like betrayed which I know is not true. "These are all your 'private' matters, so I don't need to know what you are doing with whom."

"Really? You are so pressed about all these, aren't you? What I told you years back…"

"What you told me years back matters nothing to me. Please don't be in the delusion about anything. Things are changed, I told you last night too."

"Okay. Good." She stares at me with piercing eyes. Her look scared me years back also, as if she could see everything hidden in my heart and brain. Suddenly she becomes very cold. "Anything else?"

"Just keep your personal stuff out of my class. I'll be grateful for that."

"I know how to keep my personal stuff away from work." Arizona's voice is becoming stone cold.

"Good for both of us."

There she leaves slamming the door behind her.

How fool I have been. She has a girlfriend and here I'm pretending as if I have any right on her to be angry. I start crying with everything I have. On this very moment, I realize that how foolishly I actually have believed that a 19 year old girl will wait for ages for me. I did. I never dated anybody after Arizona left. I spent my days thinking about her. I comprehend that I need to move on from her and move on from my past. I just need a little time.