"I'll never break your heart
I'll never make you cry
I'd rather die than live without you
I'll give you all of me"
Chapter 26
I cannot wait this party to be over and to have Arizona in my arms and say her how much I love her too. "You look really happy." I jump out of my own thoughts at mom's comment. she smiles warmly looking at Arizona, who is talking to Adi sitting on the bar stool. "Did you like the party?" I ask mom wrapping my arm around her shoulders. "Yes, I do." Then suddenly she asks, "are you planning to join back to university?" Mom looks at me hopefully.
"Yes."
"What about Arizona?"
"I talked with the dean of graduate school. Arizona too applied before coming here. Although she missed the deadline, an internal reference helps."
"Did you talk to her about this?"
"Why do you ask this?" I ask carefully.
"Because I heard Adi asking Arizona about her grad school plan and she seemed not to be sure yet."
"She just needs a little push… and the dean already informed this morning about the acceptance of the application. Arizona will get a formal email maybe tomorrow." I say casually.
"NO, Calliope. It does not work in this way. You cannot push her always. You have inherited this bad quality from your dad that you take decisions without asking other people involved into your actions." Mom states seriously.
"Oh…ma stop it. I…." Before I finished saying, I heard dad's voice on microphone.
"Now it's time to your dad's party speech." Mom jokes. Dad always gives a small welcome speech in parties. Both of us walk near to the center stage.
"Thank you all you for coming and cheering up Lucia." Then dad looks at me and continues, "I have one more reason for this get together…I would like to announce Calliope's, my eldest daughter's engagement with George…." My head has started spinning and I literally cannot listen to anything what he says. I quickly look back to the bar stand. Arizona is still sitting and from this distance I really don't recognize her expression. "Mom, did you know about this?" From my mom's expression, I know that this is equally shocking for her too.
I quickly glance at Adi who has reached by my side by this time. "Adi, what should I do?" I ask her scared.
"Just play with this for a while." She whispers, little lost.
"NO! Calliope, this is why, I was asking you to talk to Carlos…" Mom panicks.
I see Aria too is looking at me. I somehow again look back trying to meet Arizona's eyes. But, I see her no where.
"Callie, she has gone to her room. You certainly don't expect her to experience somebody else stealing her love."
I start retreating, "Adi, I need to talk to her and I cannot let this engagement take place."
"You go to her." Mom assures me.
"No, Aunt Lucia… we cannot do this big drama in front of 300 people. It'll be very embarrassing for uncle Carlos." Adi then pulls me clasping my wrist, "Cal, just go through this… this is nothing… you can just throw that ring away." Before, I can answer Adi almost drags me to the center stage.
And I even clearly do not know how I have managed to go through the entire ceremony. In my mind, there is only one person, I care about, I worry about.
I knock at the door, but there is no reply from inside. Once I try to twist the door handle, I see that she has not closed it yet. After taking a long breath, I open the door guardedly. All the lights are switched off and but the room is not that dark due to the light coming from window. She is standing in front of the window. Hesitantly, I motion myself towards her and stop just behind her. I know she has gathered my presence already, but prefers to keep quiet.
I'm feeling so disoriented right now- in front of my eyes, I see my life being scattered. The life, which I want only with my kiddo and no one else.
"I don't fit in this dress…" She nods her head in negative. "I simply don't." Arizona suddenly breaks the silence.
"Yes, you are right."
"What…what are you doing?" She asks in confusion finding me unzipping the back of her dress,
"I'm helping you to get out of this dress." I unzip the dress and completely pull it down. "It was a mistake requesting you to put on this." She simply steps out from the dress and goes near the closet to get her pajama. From distance, I see her dressed up and then she sits at the edge of the bed backing me.
"Arizona, I'll tell everything to dad tomorrow morning. I promise." I sit at the other end of the bed.
"Calliope…." She lies back on the bed, "don't make the promises you can't keep." She says tiredly.
"I can. Please." I do not know how to convince her.
"Since there was no promise so far, I can live with that." Arizona sounds so mechanic that I don't feel anything in her tone.
"Let me explain." I beg.
"It was all mistake coming here. You know we are never meant to be together." I can hear how shakily she leaves her breath, as if she has been holding one for a while. Then she turns on her side putting her back to me. I do not know if I'm allowed to touch her now. She is behaving too composed outwardly, but I know that her heart is breaking in million of pieces right now. I can hear them breaking, but I do not know how to gather them, now. Not thinking much, I press myself against her putting my face on my shoulder. It takes every ounce of me not letting myself sinking into her softness. Then, she starts sobbing, as I feel her shaking body against mine. I have never seen her like this vulnerable before. I have always seen her putting on the bravest mask ever.
"Don't you trust me, baby girl?" I need to know that still she has faith in us. I cannot see her like this in front of my own eyes, because of my own coward behaviour. My lips trail across her moist cheek.
"You claim that you love me, right?" She whispers.
"I do…I really." She cuts me in, "do you even know my middle name?"
I try to look at her in the little light of the room. I do not know where she is coming from. "Do you who were my parents? How were they? How did I grow up?"
"Arizona… I don't need to know all these to love you." I say strongly.
She suddenly pushes me a little and gets up to get her laptop from the side table. I too get up to see what she is doing.
"What are you doing?" I ask when I see her opening the ticket manager page. I fear, she must have been thinking to leave. Instead replying me, she clicks few buttons and closes the lid of the laptop. "I'm leaving tomorrow. I just have confirmed my ticket." She looks at me and stares at me for new seconds. My eyes must be full of water, as I she starts wiping them.
"Arizona, please don't leave. I didn't know that dad was about to do this? He doesn't know what we are to each other?"
"What are we to each other?" She asks gently.
She lays back. I immediately lean on her and few drops of my tears drop on her face. Her gaze shuffles between my eyes and my mouth. I give a kiss on her forehead. The kind of kiss, which is not sexual. This is full of assurance that I want her, only her. I'm ready to fight back. "You are my woman and I'm yours. Nobody in this world can ever change that." I whisper fighting my tears back.
Before I lean up, I hear her murmuring, "why do you smell so good?"
"Ha?" I lean little up and look down at her.
"I cannot believe that I'll not be the one who will smell you every night." She says without any emotion.
"Please…" She stops me, "George was so right. Woman like you can be only in my dream…and I could only be one of your desires….nothing more than this."
"Did he tell this to you? when?" I sit on leaving her. "When did he tell those to you?" I ask her angrily.
She also gets up and takes my left hand and looks at that with piercing eyes. Once she looks up, I see blue eyes are full of aching, "this is a beautiful ring, Calliope… I could never buy this expensive ring for you."
"You want to buy a ring for me?" I'm astonished. If we would not be in the middle of all these, I would have started jumping right now.
"I saw a beautiful ring in one of the fancy shops back home and I thought about you." Her face is so solemn. I don't know how to respond to her. I'm even not sure, if all these she is telling me out of grief or she means them. "Would you have said yes, if I would have a ring?" she asks. Once this question rolls down from her mouth, instantly I know what I should do right now. I take the ring off and throw this to some distant corner of the room. Both of we hear a dang sound. I pull her on me and make her settle down on my lap. I snake around her waist and hide my face in her chest- I feel her soft breasts against my cheek burning me out of desire. After few stray moments, I feel she also has returned my hug. "You cannot run away anymore. You are done with running away. And yes, I would like to know more about your past, but I'll know it living the present with you."
She doesn't reply, but I can feel her increasing heartbeat against my ear. "Are you listening?"
I pull out myself from her chest and look up. "What will you do?" She whispers softly, washing over my lips with her hot breath. "We'll leave tomorrow. And your application has been accepted."
"Calliope?" She caresses my cheek with the back of her fingers. "Your dad?"
"If you would have proposed me, I would have said yes. I would always say yes to you." I don't care about my dad anymore.
"You would?" There is a small smile playing in the corner of her mouth.
Instead answering, I unlock her long hair from the clutch, letting it spread on her back. "I think, before falling for you, first I fell in love with your hair." I whisper tugging the loose hairs from her face to the back of her ears. "What else did you fall in love?" She asks looking down tightening her clasps around my shoulder. "Your wit."
I give a feather kiss on her chin. "Your awkwardness." I give another kiss on her left collarbone. In the darkness too, I feel she has goosebumps under my touch. "Your indifference towards me." Arizona pushes her hip closer to mine sitting on my lap. Then she closes the distance by covering my lips with hers. The kiss is savouring, lingering. In one kiss, as if, we live our fours years apart. I push her so that she goes on her back on the bed and I straddle her not breaking the kiss covering her body with the length of my body. Slowly, she pulls out, "this would be my first."
"This would be my first too." I add, "with a woman though." I give her a wink.
"Do you know how to do? Or should we watch some lesbian porn?" Arizona teases me biting my ears turning me on, the way, I never was in my whole life.
I pin one of hands beside her. "I guess, I would know." Saying this I slide my one hand into her panties and she grasps into the air. "Do you think that I need some training?" I start nipping her neck trailing down to her cleavage. "Am I doing right?" I ask her huskily.
Arizona does not reply, instead she pulls me in a kiss. The kind of kiss, which makes me feel that I have never kissed before. Here, today, we consummate our love for each other. love making is a cliché word for many of us, but I don't think that having sex could describe when I'm talking about my feelings with her. She is in me, in my blood, in my cells, invading every bit of me. She is the one, I want, I desire and I cherish.