Chapter Five

The Next Morning

I've slept in late. I know this as soon as I wake. I slowly sit up and rub my eyes. I pull the bed covers back only to find spots of blood covering the sheets. My eyes widen as I remember last night and what had happened.

This is a nightmare. It has to be. I must still be sleeping.

Mother comes into the room and I pull the covers over me again, covering my naked frame and not being able to let my eyes meet hers. She must be so disappointed in me. I wonder if she's holding her anger in because she knows I have lost the baby. She walks over to stand beside the bed.

"Here," she whispers, and I look up far enough to see a glass full of some kind of liquid in her hand. "It will help with the cramps."

I nod and silently take the glass from her. I take a few sips as she pulls the bed covers off me. I put the glass on the bedside table once I have finished and I stand up.

"I have already made you a bath. If you want me to, I'll help wash you down again," my mother says, her voice still a whisper. I nod, before I silently leave the room.

The steam coming from the wash basin looks inviting and I quickly lower myself into the water. The hot water soothes me, making the painful cramps weaken. I sigh and lean my head against the wall, trying to hold back the relentless tears.

I force myself to wash, though all I want to do is curl up in a ball and go to sleep. Mother comes in to check on me a while later, and kneels beside the wash basin and washes my hair for me, gently massaging soap into my tangled locks.

"I'd rather talk about it now and get it over with," I find myself saying, as she begins to rinse the bubbles from my hair.

"I'm not entirely sure what to say. I'm disappointed, of course," she says in a quiet voice.

"I know," I whisper. "I didn't think you'd find out this way."

"I lost a baby once," she says, and I turn to look at her. I didn't know this. "It was before Prim. Your father and I were so excited." She has a small, sad smile on her lips as she talks to me. "I felt terribly guilty when it happened. I thought it was my fault, that I did something wrong. But it wasn't my fault. Your father told me that over and over. It just wasn't meant to be." We look at each other in silence for a while, before my mother speaks again. "How far along?"

"Ten weeks," I whisper.

"Gale's?"

"No," I reply.

There's a pause. Of course, her first assumption would be that it was his child.

"You don't have to tell me," she says. "I just want you to be careful next time."

"There won't be a next time," I reply, my voice quiet.

"Oh," is all she says.

I can just imagine how curious she is. A part of me wants to tell her. I haven't talked to anyone about that night.

"It was the night of the reaping," I admit, my voice a tiny whisper. "I was upset. I know that's not an excuse to just go and do anything."

"He took advantage of you?"

My eyes look right into hers. "No. I basically threw myself at him. He said that we should stop. I didn't listen." I lower my head, my eyes watching the cooling water. "He was Delly's friend."

"Does he know…"

"About the baby?" I shake my head. "No, and I'd like to keep it that way."

"Were you ever going to tell him?" she asks.

"I don't know. It would have ruined his life. It doesn't matter now, anyway. It's dead." I wince a little. "It's for the best. It would have only caused trouble."

"A baby is a gift, Katniss," my mother says.

"I never wanted this. I have never been one to want marriage and children. It's funny, I hated the thing inside me, wished it would just die and, now that it has, I feel disgusting."

We don't speak again until I am back in bed, wrapped up in a cocoon of blankets. Mother, to my surprise, climbs in behind me and starts brushing my hair with a comb.

"I should get up and go hunting," I say.

"No. You have to rest for a few days," mother replies.

"I can't. It will just make me think about things that I don't want to think about. Besides, Gale's coming home tomorrow and he'll ask why I'm stuck in bed."

"We will just tell him that you are feeling unwell. You need to rest, Katniss," my mother tells me in a firm voice. I nod in understanding.

"But what about Gale's family? How will they get food?" I ask.

"Hazelle and I had a talk yesterday and she said that she has leftover food to last them until Gale comes home. They will be moving into Victor's Village tomorrow, then they will never have to worry about food again."

I nod again, relieved that Gale's family won't have to go without any longer. I change the subject.

"No one needs to know about this."

"Okay. But..."

"What? You can ask me. I know you're curious," I say. I guess she deserves some answers.

"Do you and this boy talk?" she asks.

"No, not really. We never talked until that night," I explain, as my eyes lower to my stomach.

"If you had told me about that night I could have given you something," she tells me. "You wouldn't have had to go through this."

"I was scared. I didn't think about the consequences of my actions. And my periods are so irregular that I thought... I don't know."

"I'm disappointed that you didn't come to me, but everybody makes mistakes, Katniss. You shouldn't feel guilty. I know that we haven't been on the best terms but you still could have talked to me."

"I'm sorry," I whisper, feeling weaker than ever, as the tears flow freely down my cheeks. "I'm sorry about the way I have treated you. It's not your fault you became ill after dad died."

"I shouldn't have left you and Prim. You had to grow up so fast. I'm so sorry, Katniss," my mother whispers, and presses a kiss to my forehead. "I won't ever leave you like that again. I promise."

I squeeze my eyes shut and turn to wrap my arms around her.

"I do love you, my child," she says as she holds me to her chest. A sob escapes past my lips, not letting me return the words. I cry for the baby I have lost. I cry for Gale. I cry because I finally have my mother back. I have despised her for so long for leaving Prim and I to fend for ourselves.

But she is here now, when I need her most, and that is what matters.