Chapter Six
The Next Day
Gale is coming home today, which is why mother and Prim are running around in a mad rush, getting ready to greet him at the station with the rest of District 12, while I stay in bed. I think Primrose is suspicious. Mother told her that I have the flu, but Prim knows that having the flu isn't a big enough reason for me to stay in bed. For someone so young, she has always been able to read me like an open book.
"Gale is going to be so sad when he sees that you're not there to greet him," Prim says as I finish braiding her hair.
"I don't feel too good. Mother has already said that she is going to tell him to come visit me. It's not like he's not going to see me," I reply, tugging on her hair a little.
"Ow," she yelps.
"Oops," I say, unapologetically. "Sorry."
"You seem a little weird," Prim states.
"Is that so?" I ask, tying a band around the end of her braid.
"Yeah. You're being nice to mother."
"I've always been nice to her," I reply, even though we both know that's not true.
"Something isn't right. You wouldn't just one day forgive her, Katniss. Something must've happened," Prim says.
I sigh. "Prim," I say, a warning in my tone.
"Okay, okay. I won't ask questions. We need to go to the station now, anyway," she says, and jumps to her feet.
"Katniss," mother calls from downstairs. "Will you be okay while we're gone?" Prim narrows her eyes at me, even more suspicious now.
"I'll be fine. You won't be gone long, I'm sure," I call back.
Prim and my mother leave a few minutes later and I slump against the pillows with a big sigh. It's so hard acting like I'm okay in front of Prim when I am far from it. I feel depressed, sick, weak, and guilty.
I want to go hunting, or at least for a walk, but instead I have to stay in bed and dwell on the thoughts of my dead baby and Gale being in love with me. I decide to think about Gale for now, as it's a less depressing topic than the other.
What am I going to say to him? I've never lied to Gale. I hate to hurt his feelings, but I know I'm going to hurt him with whatever I say or do. I might as well tell him the truth and get it over with.
I can hear the loud crowd at the train station from my bedroom. Gale has brought excitement and hope to the district. Winning the Hunger Games means that the district in which the victor was born has extra food and supplies for a year, something that is much needed in District 12, where you can starve to death in safety.
People are calling for Gale and cheering him on. I bet he doesn't like the attention, he was never one for big displays in public. I wonder what he's going to think when he sees only Prim and my mother waiting for him. I slowly pull back the bed covers and walk to the small window.
I can just about see the large crowd at the station and I watch for a while as they scream and wave their arms, before I turn away, reaching for the old plant book and then heading back into bed.
I started working on it with Prim a couple of nights ago as I thought it would help take my mind off things for a little while. Ever since, I've made a point of adding something to the book each day.
I'm busy writing about 'Nightlock', a poisonous berry that could kill you before you even swallowed the deadly fruit, when I hear mother and Prim arrive home.
"She's in her room," I hear mother say from downstairs, and I straighten up, my eyes widening in shock. I didn't think he would come over immediately. I was hoping to prepare something to say so I don't say something that will offend him. I guess it is too late now.
I can hear him on the stairs even though his tread is almost as quiet as mine. He knocks gently on my door, but opens it without waiting for my reply. I close the plant book and place it on my bedside table before letting my eyes meet his.
He's changed. I can tell that just by looking at him. His eyes are sad, with dark circles surrounding them, hinting at lack of sleep. I bet he has horrific nightmares. I have nightmares about the arena and I haven't even experienced it firsthand.
"Hi," I whisper, not really knowing what to say or do, but not wanting the silence to drag on any longer.
He smiles, though it doesn't reach his grey eyes. I wonder if he expected me to run into his arms, to hug him and kiss him and tell him that I love him. I don't do any of that.
I suddenly feel guilty. He's my best friend, he won the Hunger Games, shouldn't I at least act happy? I'm glad he is home but, right now, my mind is constantly occupied by other thoughts. I force a smile onto my lips and pat the space beside me on the bed.
"I'm so glad you're home," I whisper, tears filling my eyes.
He walks over and takes a seat next to me.
"Did you... Did you see my interview with Caesar?" he asks, his quiet tone hinting at his nervousness.
I nod my head, indicating that I did see the broadcast.
I don't want to disappoint him by telling him that I don't love him. Gale can act untouchable and strong in front of anyone else, but I can read him like an open book. "I know you probably don't like how I broadcasted my feelings to the whole of Panem but I... I need to know, Katniss."
I look away from him, unable to look into his desperate eyes any longer.
"I'm sorry, Gale," I whisper. "About everything; the Games, me… I just can't. You're like a brother to me."
I see him nod out of the corner of my eyes as he takes in my words, but I also see him lower his head as he drops his shoulders. I turn to face him and place my trembling hands on his cheeks.
"You will marry a girl that loves you with all her heart one day, Gale. I promise you that. But that girl isn't me. I will be the best friend that is jealous of the girl that takes up all of your time. You'll forget about me."
He closes his eyes at my touch and let's out a long sigh. He leans forward until our foreheads are pressed together and I hold my breath.
Please, don't kiss me, I think.
"I missed you," he whispers, wrapping his arms around me.
"I missed you, too," I say, a single tear sliding down my cheek. I open my blurry eyes to see that he is also crying - a sight I never thought I would see. Gale is probably the strongest person I know. The only emotion I am used to seeing from him his anger. His anger I can deal with, we both have that trait. His sadness, on the other hand...
The emptiness he feels, I have no idea how to deal with.
"Did you do okay? Looking after everyone? Was there enough to eat?" he asks.
"Yeah. We were fine but we all wanted you back. I was so scared, Gale. I thought I had lost you. I may not feel the way you do, but I love you enough that if you had died a piece of me would have died with you."
"I'm here, and I'm not leaving any of you again, I promise. It was so horrible, Catnip. Being there, having to try hard not to get attached to anyone. It was so hard. And Delly..." I tighten my hold on him as he trails off.
He needs comforting.
I wonder how long it has been since he let out all of his anger and sadness.
"You don't have to be strong anymore, Gale. You've held it in while you were in the Capitol but you're home now. Let it all out," I whisper. And he does. He sobs loudly, and the sound makes my heart ache for him.
I rock Gale in my arms, hating what he had to go through in the Capitol. Nobody deserves the fate of fighting in the Games. Gale looks up and quickly wipes his eyes before he brushes a tear from my own cheek. "How have you been, Catnip?" he asks, seemingly calm enough to talk again.
I try to smile but I know it probably looks more like a grimace. I shrug. "It's been hard," is all I say.
"I know. But how have you been? What's the matter? Why are you in bed?" he asks, sniffing a little and wiping his nose on his sleeve.
I swallow hard. "I'm fine. I just have the flu," I say, forcing myself to meet his eyes.
"That's bullshit, Catnip. The flu has never stopped you before. Death wouldn't stop you from getting up."
"It really is the flu," I lie, but I know it's no use. I've never lied to Gale and he has known me long enough to know when I am keeping something from him.
"You're a terrible liar, Katniss," he says, his voice firm. The use of my name, and not the silly nickname he normally uses, makes me wince. I pull the bed covers up a little higher, sinking into my pillows. He frowns and I can tell he's suspicious. He looks at me - really looks at me - and I can practically see the gears turning in his head as he takes in my pale skin and red eyes.
"What's going on? Tell me," he nearly begs.
I clear my throat and stare at my hands, trying to think of something to say.
"I've just been really unwell lately."
"Is it something serious? Are you okay?" he asks, panic now in his voice.
"No. It's not deadly. I'm fine."
Someone knocks on the door and I sigh in relief at the interruption. "Come in."
My mother walks in, carrying a glass containing the liquid that eases the cramps. "Here. I thought it would be time for another one," she says, and hands me the glass. I nod and take it, immediately taking a large gulp.
"What's the matter with her?" Gale asks my mother, hoping to get more out of her.
"She has the flu," she says, but I can tell by the way Gale's shoulders drop that he doesn't believe her either.
I finish the drink and hand the glass back to my mother before wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. I continue to look away from Gale, before he brings his hand up to turn my face, gently forcing me to look him in the eye.
"Gale," I start, my bottom lip quivering. "Please... Just drop it."
"I can't. Not when I know it must be something serious," he says, and I know he won't give in.
"But..." I trail off. "I can't... I don't know what to say." I take a deep breath. "The night you were reaped…"
His eyes widen as I trail off, pausing to consider my next sentence. "Did something happen? Did someone hurt you?"
"No! No, Gale. Nobody touched me. I mean, nobody hurt me."
"So, what did happen?" Gale asks, still not relenting. Tears yet again fill my eyes and I let out a deep sigh. Why is it that I am forever crying? How long will it take for my hormones to get back to normal? How long will it take to forget about what happened?
I know, even now, that I will never forget.
"I can't stop crying," I angrily mutter, burying my head in my hands, my trembling fingers tugging at my hair.
"Calm down," my mother whispers, placing a hand on my shoulder.
"I can't!" I yell, and then immediately feel guilty. She has been so understanding and caring, and now I am yelling at her. "I'm sorry. I just… I hate feeling like this."
"Like what?" Gale snaps, his voice conveying his annoyance.
"Sick and tired and..." I trail off again as I leave the bed. I start pacing back and forth as my head spins with all the thoughts torturing my mind.
Gale chuckles and runs a hand through his messy hair. "My mother was like that during the first few months she was carrying Posy. Everything made her cry. Dad would always have to watch what he said around her. Are you sure you're not pregnant?" Gale jokes, a real, teasing smile taking over his lips.
I stiffen, my face growing pale, my hands becoming all clammy. My mother's lips form a straight line as she looks away from me. One glance at Gale's face and I know he's noticed our reactions. He abruptly stands up, looks to my mother, then back at me. "Are you… No. You wouldn't... You couldn't be. Right?"
I shake my head, unable to form any words. My knees buckle under my weight and I drop to the floor, burying my head in my hands as a loud sob escapes my lips. "It's all my fault!"
"Katniss, no. We have talked about this. What happened isn't your fault. It wasn't meant to be," mother says, lowering herself beside me so she can wrap her arms around my thin frame.
"What's going on? I'm so confused. Somebody tell me what is going on!" Gale yells.
"Katniss," my mother starts, rocking me in her arms like she would a baby. "She had a miscarriage."
I hear a gasp; a soft, quiet noise... too gentle to be Gale.
I look up, and my eyes find her standing in the doorway, shock evident in her pale eyes.
"Prim," I choke out. I try to think of what I can say to her, to Gale. But before I can say anything more, she turns on her heel and runs from the room, and I am left staring at the spot where she once stood.