Let's not even talk about how I don't update. I had 4 projects 3 big test one paper and I'm scheduled for work more now. I just * exasperated sigh* I'll update when I can. If anyone is even reading this anymore XD without further ado (did I spell that right?)

Chapter 4: Monster

Chung Sieker December 23, 2014

The feelings are ebbing away. I am becoming numb from the torture of my emotions. Why do I go everyday? Why can I not overcome? ...Guilt. I adore her, cherish her, would put her over any other, and this shall be my demise. The guilt doesn't care, doesn't notice anything; it takes over when it pleases. When we went Christmas shopping all together not even a week ago it was last year repeating itself.

The group has slightly adjusted to no Elesis: they now get her presents first. Afterwards we eat and branch off to do shopping, or rather they do shopping...

Is such my fate am I bound to repeat all my pains? My mother dies while I'm still very small. Then my father too disappears, and Rena cares for me. Elesis becomes my first friend since his death. She is a fiery spirit that brings such warmth, and she is gone. Why? Becuase it is my fate!? Becuase something detest me!? Becuase I-because something- ...is wrong-

I started the day willing to shop but everywhere there is Elesis: those flowers would look great in her room, she said she like shoes like that, there's that training mat she wanted for stretching, on and on I agonize about what should be, on and on. I can't conceal much more guilt, the pain of loss consuming me, so I hide myself away in Elesis's favorite bookstore in the back trying to read and forget and read and read and continually I do this for more than an hour when I hear a monotone voice lean over me. "Chung the mall will close very shortly. It is time to leave," Eve says, and Add strolls up both oblivious to my searing heart. " Didn't get much did ya? Welp you're gonna have to come back on your own. I guess you could just make us all paper snowflakes though" he said in his usually snarky tone, and I was done. I could not stay near people then, for never had I wanted to act out in senseless violence. I needed cold air and no company. Mummblin some response about going to a different store I leave the two there.

I am angry, jealous of them. Add was crazy at first yes. He practically studied everything possible about Eve because of his nasod interest, but some where in there he has come to strongly care for her, and followers her endlessly. She does not care. She does not want a lap dog. T hough she has adjusted to him, she pretty mush just ignores him. They could be easily happily together. They could BE together. Elesis is unreachable to me, and for who knows how long!

Once the cold winter air bites me I began to regain some control over myself, and keep walking to nowhere in particular. This is not how I should be! I am not sn angry person! I love everyone in the gang! What is going on with me! What are my emotions doing! Then I stopped unable to keep going I just stand there, and sink to my knees burrying my face, my sorrows, my insanity, in my hands. I do not move for a long time.

I heat something approaching. I recognise the music I hear playing. It is tool's parabola, and I know from sharing a wall with Raven that it is him. He stops behind me. Doesn't say a word. He lifts me up, and we simply walk back to his car. For a longer time still we listen to his music, and I understand him a little more. He has only told Rena what truly happened to him, but I know at first seeing her gave him great pain. He has overcome his obstacle of emotions, and in his own way he is helping me with mine. Finally we are full circle and parabola plays again, this time though, I pay close attention to it, and a small clearing has broken the constan fog of my mind. He drove us home.

This year went so much like last that first year. This time though I drove to the mall, and was able to drive home. Being the only one home I decided to recover my very fragile sanity by taking a long shower. With the hot water rushing over me I began to relax. The only problem with relaxing is that emotions sink in faster.

The pain reclaims me. I feel an empty void in my chest. It is not That it lets things out, but it keeps things out, keeps me hollow...and threatens to consume me. Just as last year I sank to my knees, only this time in a hot shower rather than in the winter night, only this time there would be no Raven. I am consumed in it.

It is not until the water is cold and I hear the front door open that I leave the shower. Barely stumbling to my room I close the door and curl up into a neat ball to warm up faster, but the void is not gone. "What is wrong with me? Why do o have no control? How could I have let that happen to Elesis? I wasn't protecting her. Even now I am useless," such are my thoughts in this time because the self-loathing and pity command me as such.

All right g'night morning afternoon eveyone I tried to make this chapter longer sorry I didn't do any editing :/